I know I am gonna get totally slated for this. It's a while since I posted on here and initially it was because involved with a MM. V traumatic and something I know I will NEVER repeat. Still, what I am doing now is even worse.
I say "doing now" but it's kind of over. I have been with my BF for a couple of years now. I guess it was a bit of a rebound R from MM but it was working well. He is SO good for me and cares for me like no one else ever has. So....why can I not stop myself cheating? Ok, I haven't slept with anyone else - just kissing and stuff - but of course that is STILL cheating. I had a couple of one off kisses and then started a fling with someone recently (funnily enough with an ex-friend of MM). Luckily for me, this OM has had the sense to end things now as he knows all about my past experience and knows how messy it can get.
The weird thing is that years ago I wouldn't have dreamed of EVER cheating. I even went out with someone for three years who I never loved and was faithful to him. For some reason, I feel I have real commitment issues.
I can put no blame on my BF (not that there is EVER a good enough reason for cheating - not happy? Then LEAVE!) Ok, things have been a bit strained for one reason and another but I am certainly not lacking in love and affection at home. If I'm honest I get a real buzz out of the flirting (not the sneaking around though, I now take my hat off to ex-MM that he managed that for so long!) BF and I are due to get married. Although I had never wanted to marry I was really excited but now I am scared that I won't be able to be faithful. V immature I know - I just need to get some willpower. And I know it's definitely NOT about the sex.
Of course, I could go on and on and on but nothing can excuse what I am doing. I just wanted to give a bit of background. I am certainly not after any sympathy as what I am doing (or have been doing) is totally wrong - SIMPLE AS. I just want to see whether there is any one else who has been in my position. Please bear in mind that I don't think I am in love with these guys when I cheat or that I want to leave my BF for them. I don't know. It's pathetic.
Thanks in advance.
PS All bashing will be taken on the chin. I am fully expecting it!
__________________ "Women fake orgasms - men fake whole relationships" - Sharon Stone
If you are planning on getting married then without a doubt you must tell your boyfriend what has been going on. He has a right to know this so he can make an informed judgement of whether or not he wishes to pursue a marriage with you. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect your boyfriend to be honest with you? What you are doing is terribly disrespectful to your boyfriend. Either you have a relationship built on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. The choice is yours.
Obviously your not in any state to be in a relationship if you feel you have to find some satisfaction in others to fufill your needs. And to think this poor guy actually wants to commit to you after you basically disrespect every single part of him by doing it. Your post doesn't even ring like it bothers you. You need to see a professional to get your **** together. If you don't tell you guy, I hope to God he comes on here and sees it. He should know before he commits to a serial cheater. That's about the most ****ed up post I've seen on here in awhile.
I guess Sharons quote is a lie in this case as well, You are obviously faking your relationship....go figure heh.....(shakes head)
I'm with Bryanp, it wouldn't be even close to right to go forward with the M unless you let the bf know what he's in for. Not fair at all. You can marry him and be the best wife, faithful as all-get-out, and he'll still be blindsided if he learns of your pre-nuptial necking with the neighbors.
Perhaps other than a sexual addiction, you have a deep need for approval, and just one fella's approval won't do. Do you still feel attractive even if nobody is lusting after you? Maybe a bit of work on self-approval is in order. Just a thought. I don't know you or anything.
Whatever you do, don't get married. You're not ready to settle down and be with one guy.
Maybe the guy you're with now IS the rebound guy, even though you've been with him for a while now. You seem to want and need attention, flirty and otherwise from other men - Not good when you could be getting married.
Be honest with him - Allow him the chance to decide if he wants to stick it out with you or break up. Not saying anything isn't going to DO anything because there's no consquence to your behaviour.
Perhaps you keep doing it because you have a poor self esteem. You don't think you're good enough. You don't think you deserve to be with a good guy and you don't think you deserve to be loved hence you don't trust when someone genuinely loves and cares about you. You find ways to sabotage it. You seek out non-substanstive and unhealthy relationships with men for example, your affair with a MM because you don't feel you deserve anything healthy. A person with low self esteem is not particularly choosy about who they give themselves to. Everything is a free for all, every penis is welcome as long as someone...ANYONE..is paying attention to them, that's all they care about. Part of it is also your selfishness, self-absorption and narcissism. You don't think about other people's feelings or care who you hurt, i.e., your boyfriend, as long as you get your fix.
I. agree you need professional help.
And you need to leave your boyfriend become you make him another hurt, bitter and jaded LS poster who can't get over the fact that his girlfriend/wife is a serial cheater.
Don't do that to another human being, it screws with people in ways you can never imagine. Ask anyone who's ever been cheated on. That sh*t just stays with you.
Last edited by manugeorge; 19th September 2008 at 2:43 AM..
I AGREE I need to grow up. I AGREE I shouldn't be getting married. I AGREE my BF deserves better, without a doubt. I am no better than the MM I was previously involved with. I AGREE that it's all f*cked up too.
I am definitely NOT a sex-addict. I haven't had sex with anyone else and mostly, with sex, I can take it or leave it. I have great sex with my BF, the best by far that I have ever had.
Yes, I guess it IS an attention thing. I have always had problems with food, poor body image, etc, but this is no excuse. I AM seeing a counsellor and I am hoping this will help me to become a better person as I appreciate that what I am doing is extremely selfish and self-absorbed.
WWIU, I knew I could rely on you for some good advice, although I could NEVER tell my BF. I used to be a firm believer in confessing but the way I see it now is that all it would do is alleviate MY guilt and would not do my BF any favours whatsoever. If it was me I would rather be kept in the dark than have to deal with the fact that someone has cheated on me. Still, that's just me. Manugeorge - your advice was very constructive too and I appreciate it. Thanks.
As for the person who said I didn't appear to be in any way sorry, I apologise if that's the way I come across. If I wasn't sorry and didn't feel I needed help then I wouldn't have posted on here in the first place. I was fully open to all the bashing and knew that would be what would happen which is nothing less than I deserve. I just wanted my post to be 'to the point' and not to sound self-pitying.
Last edited by PoshPrincess; 19th September 2008 at 8:03 AM..
Reason: typos
Posh, you knew what kind of answers you would get, because I am guessing that you were telling yourself the same things. The question is WHY do you cheat.
Even though it is just kissing and not actual sex, it seems to me that you are afraid that the day is coming that you will go all the way. And you are hoping to catch it before it becomes a major problem.
It is not just about this guy. I agree, you should break up with him if you do not love him enough to be committed to him. However, I think there just may be something to the idea that you enjoy the thrill of cheating.
When you were with your MM, it was all secretive and exciting. No, you did not like that you had to be secretive yet it added something to the relationship, yes?
Now this normal relationship can get kinda boring, and a momentary thrill can be had by sneaking around again. I may be way off, but that was my first impression.
What about alcohol? Does all of your flirting and cheating happen while you are intoxicated and at a bar?
Back off from a serious relationship until you have figured yourself out. It will be less painful that way.
__________________ “Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." --Unknown
Last edited by JamesM; 19th September 2008 at 10:07 AM..
a) he's the wrong guy and he's kind of boring you...no spark or chemistry so you go out and flirt to get it
b) you love being the center of attention-your username says it all
So just split up with him...job done. Then you can go out and flirt and have fun. The problem is that you'e being selfish and trying to have both-step up and do the right thing and end it, have fun with cute guys that you are more attracted to, then life will be a whole lot simpler for everyone.
WWIU, I knew I could rely on you for some good advice, although I could NEVER tell my BF. I used to be a firm believer in confessing but the way I see it now is that all it would do is alleviate MY guilt and would not do my BF any favours whatsoever. If it was me I would rather be kept in the dark than have to deal with the fact that someone has cheated on me. Still, that's just me. Manugeorge - your advice was very constructive too and I appreciate it. Thanks.
If you're definately going to end it, then there's no point in pouring salt into the wound. It's only if you plan on staying with him, he need to know the truth so HE can decide if he wants to be with you.
By not telling him, you're taking a chance of someone else mentioning it to him. Anyway, you do what you feel is best in that reguards, telling or not telling - But you DO need to let him know that you're not ready to get married..Possibly walk away from him.
Get therapy and pray that someday you don't have a son that brings someone home for you to met who does the same type of things. You can end it, you have all the control. Get help.
__________________
Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
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Why can't I have some self-control?
) BF and I are due to get married. Although I had never wanted to marry I was really excited but now I am scared that I won't be able to be faithful. V immature I know - I just need to get some willpower. And I know it's definitely NOT about the sex.
- Sharon Stone
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