My wife of 23 years and the mom of my 3 kids had an affair with a local guy that we both knew. Her affair carried on for about a year, and as a result of me finding out (I found the birthday card he gave her and confronted her on it. She spilled her guts) we separated for 2 years. Now we are back trying to sort out this awful mess, and to get things back on track. We have a counsellor who seems ok, I dont really know if I'm convinced, I've never been to a shrink or a counsellor before and I dont know what to expect.
Anyway, my point.... I cannot get the images of the two of them together. I cannot stop thinking about him touching my wife, seeing her naked, being inside her and doing the things that she promised were our pleasures and our secrets and our joys. She went to galleries with him, to the movies, to bars and concerts. She gave him our life on a plate.
Every day I see him, and everyday I hurt again. I do not own her, but we made a promise. And she broke that promise, and with it my heart. Moving house is not an option, my job involves a lot of travelling over seas, but I have to be based where we are for logistics reasons.
How do I squash the pain. Will I ever get through this? I have forgiven her, because I know that what she did was one of those things. I hate that she has done it, and I hope that it never happens again. I cannot trust her, I want to, but everything she does arouses suspicions. When she goes out with her friends I am nearly driven to distraction wondering what she is really doing. Because she became a master of deception. She lied about getting the groceries, about paying the utilities, about needing time on her own (when she was living it up with him in motels). She has offered me her email details, and her cell-phone records, but she is too clever, and she knows how to disguise and hide things. I presume that she has multiple email adresses and probably another cell-phone in work. She could show me anything and I would never truely believe her.
She forgot that she was a mother, she was consumed by the passions and she betrayed me and our 3 children. I know that she is a good person. But I really dont know how to rebuild.
I am so saddened by this entire affair that there are times that I dont want to go on. I want the world to stop. It is like suffocating. My children keep me alive. I dont have any friends or family that I can talk to, her friends were my friends, but since her affair I only look at them as being as complicent in the entire mess. They knew and protected her.
There are many factors in our relationship that made us get to the point of her affair, but I never deserved what I got. The nose rubbing in the dirt, her disregard for me. Her disrespect. Her lack of loyalty.
And now, I would like to move on. I would like my soulmate back. I have been reading these forums for ages now, and something thats come up was that she should basically suck up to me.... do everything that she can to let me know, but I'm not as stupid as I was in the past. I could see through that in a second. But I dont want her to beat herself up, I think that she is forgiving herself too, and thats a great thing.
Sorry for the long post... its been a very long three years of my life. And as she sits in the kitchen talking to her mom, and I am in the den typing this, I feel as if its going to be a very very long time before I am comfortable with her and her actions.
I know what I'm going to type isn't as simple to do: I think that you deserve much better than this. I think that you should just separate completely from your spouse.
But I know that might sound cliche, but I think it would be best if you concentrated on getting your happiness back together. On the other hand, if that means working things out with your spouse, that's also up to you. You could try to work things out - after all, that's a central part of relationships/marriages.
I hope this was helpful :s Sorry if it doesn't help much
If you want a new life together with her (and it would have to be new, since the old one brings such pain to you)...make it a BRAND new life.
Move to a new city. Get a complete and total fresh start. Make it impossible for OM to 'find her by accident'. Make it impossible for the affair to "accidentally restart'.
New jobs, new location, new home...complete and total fresh start.
Tough? Heck yeah...but can you think of any other way for you to turn this around? For this to be a "new marriage" for the two of you?
__________________
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Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
My wife of 23 years and the mom of my 3 kids had an affair with a local guy that we both knew. Her affair carried on for about a year, and as a result of me finding out (I found the birthday card he gave her and confronted her on it. She spilled her guts) we separated for 2 years. Now we are back trying to sort out this awful mess, and to get things back on track. We have a counsellor who seems ok, I dont really know if I'm convinced, I've never been to a shrink or a counsellor before and I dont know what to expect.
Anyway, my point.... I cannot get the images of the two of them together. I cannot stop thinking about him touching my wife, seeing her naked, being inside her and doing the things that she promised were our pleasures and our secrets and our joys. She went to galleries with him, to the movies, to bars and concerts. She gave him our life on a plate.
Sorry to say, you will never get those images out of your head. I'm sure, if you stayed with her, there would come a day where you don't think about it all the time, but you still will from time to time.
Only way to get rid of those images is to lose the cheater.
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How do I squash the pain.
By divorcing her.
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Will I ever get through this? I have forgiven her, because I know that what she did was one of those things.
One of what things???
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I hate that she has done it, and I hope that it never happens again. I cannot trust her
Then why did you forgive her?
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I want to, but everything she does arouses suspicions. When she goes out with her friends I am nearly driven to distraction wondering what she is really doing.
Well she needs to make up for what she has done. Someone who has cheated has no business going out with friends. At least going out with friends doing things like going to bars, nightclubs, or staying out late drinking.
is she doing any of those things? If so, then sorry to say, she has no interest in doing right by you and making this up to you.
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She forgot that she was a mother, she was consumed by the passions and she betrayed me and our 3 children. I know that she is a good person. But I really dont know how to rebuild.
Good people don't cheat on their spouses and kids.
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I am so saddened by this entire affair that there are times that I dont want to go on. I want the world to stop. It is like suffocating. My children keep me alive. I dont have any friends or family that I can talk to, her friends were my friends, but since her affair I only look at them as being as complicent in the entire mess. They knew and protected her.
Your kids knew and protected her??? Are you kidding?? I think I'd have to disown my children for that. Have your kids ever apologized for keeping this from you?
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There are many factors in our relationship that made us get to the point of her affair, but I never deserved what I got. The nose rubbing in the dirt, her disregard for me. Her disrespect. Her lack of loyalty.
Nose rubbing? Did she rub her affair in your nose? If so, I serisously don't know why you are with her. If she rubbed your nose in the affair, then she is a certified b!tch and NOT a good person as you say.
but need clarification on what you meant with that statement.
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And now, I would like to move on. I would like my soulmate back.
I hate to say this, but she betrayed you, and spread her legs for another man. She is not your soulmate.
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I have been reading these forums for ages now, and something thats come up was that she should basically suck up to me.... do everything that she can to let me know, but I'm not as stupid as I was in the past. I could see through that in a second. But I dont want her to beat herself up, I think that she is forgiving herself too, and thats a great thing.
If she is still partying with friends, then she hasn't changed and isn't doing what she can to let you know she won't do it again.
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Sorry for the long post... its been a very long three years of my life. And as she sits in the kitchen talking to her mom, and I am in the den typing this, I feel as if its going to be a very very long time before I am comfortable with her and her actions.
Please help.
Honestly man, why do you still want her if she is still exhibiting suspicious behavior and still whooping it up with her girlfriends?
Have you considered divorce? I think too many people stay in a bad M because of economics, being comfortable with the family in one unit.
but I can tell you right now, you will go mad with your suspicions, the fact you can't trust her, and her inability to prove to you that she has changed when she is still exhibiting the same behaviors when she cheated.
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I am so saddened by this entire affair that there are times that I dont want to go on. I want the world to stop. It is like suffocating. My children keep me alive. I dont have any friends or family that I can talk to, her friends were my friends, but since her affair I only look at them as being as complicent in the entire mess. They knew and protected her.
Your kids knew and protected her??? Are you kidding?? I think I'd have to disown my children for that. Have your kids ever apologized for keeping this from you?
There was a period there. It's the friends that he sees as having known and protected her, not his kids.
__________________
Never attribute to malice what is adequately explained by stupidity. You'll live longer and your blood pressure will thank you
It's the friends that he sees as having known and protected her, not his kids.
Thank you T for the correct interpretation.
I just dont know what to do. Can anybody ever forgive and forget a cheat? Is it possible? I want to, I really want to, but I dont know if I can. There is so much that I would love to share with her, but its all been tarnished with a horrible horribel feeling of betrayal, shame and disloyalty.
Let me get this straight. Your wife was screwing another man for a year, putting your health at risk for STD's and totally humiliating you and disrespecting your marriage. You say you forgave her for this because it is just one of those things? How can you say this? It is not just one of those things? If the roles were reversed and you screwed another woman for a year behind your wife's back, do you honestly think your wife would say: Well it just one of those things?
Why would you wish to stay with someone who would do this to you for a year? Clearly she has the ability to lie and cheat on you and you did not have a clue for a year? Clearly she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
I just dont know what to do. Can anybody ever forgive and forget a cheat? Is it possible? I want to, I really want to, but I dont know if I can. There is so much that I would love to share with her, but its all been tarnished with a horrible horribel feeling of betrayal, shame and disloyalty.
My heart is so heavy, my soul so low.
If she's giving you doubts now, I'd divorce her PRONTO! Chances are she's been Banging this OM all during the separation, and may still be doing it, but, just doing it underground. Were you still faithful even during the separation? Does her family know what she's been up to? Oh, and these things don't "Just Happen"! The WS wants it to happen! There's No Excuse for cheating, NONE!
If you Divorce her, just make sure your assests like your house, bank accounts, pension plan and 401k are protected, go for sole custody of the children as well! You shouldn't have to pay for her affair!
Last edited by Darth Vader; 13th September 2008 at 4:23 PM..
Listen friend, first let's get out of the idea good and evil. All humans are both, we can show our concept of good and bad actions to different people at different times. The real issue here is trust.
Trust that she broke 2 yrs ago for a year getting down with another man. The kicker here is that she would never of confessed of the evidence wasn't right in your face you've also felt you've lost people that you would of called friends as you feel they knew and should of said something.
(This is what's cruel about things these days people decide not to say anything as it's "not their business" yet they are happy to take that BBQ invitation but not happy to tell you your partner is cheating)
I know you have children but try to put them aside for a second and think. Exactly why did you get back with her? were you unable to find someone else during that time, I guess you couldn't fully get over her or maybe you're back with her for the sake of the children (shakes head always a bad idea?)
Taking someone back means you need to be able to wipe the slate clean, you wont fully forget but she should be doing everything in her power to earn back your trust.
The problem is you're second guessing everything she's offering (emails, phone) and why because she was skilled enough to fool you for a year email and phone records are cake. You are not in the stage to forgive sadly IMO I would walk before these trust issues you have destroy you both infront of the children again. Best you say you tried and seperate then live and resent her further infront of the children who will pick it up.
I do agree though that if you want this to work it would probably be a good idea to move if you can afford to especially if this guy is still around. It will be a constant reminder and if she disagrees she better have a good reason if she truely wants this to work . She may use the children as a means to not move (they have friends here etc etc) don't worry about the kids they will adapt and you can remind her well all I have here is bad memories of the things you did with him I'm reminded everyday of the betrayal etc etc.
This is of course your choice, you will choose what needs to be done. This is just my opinion.
Best of luck. If you ask me though seems she only got back because the guy and or nobody else wanted to shack up with someone with 3 kids.
If I was you as said above I would get your assets in order give some family members some temporary "GIFTS" and file those papers because ... damn 1 year doing intimate and romantic things with another man nuh-uh do not pass go, do not collect 200.
From what I read.. she screwed for over a year.. now she wants the M to work.. you have forgiven her and she has forgiven herself..
That being said, you HAVE to put that behind you... otherwise it will be impossible to move on with your marriage.
There is no 'miracle' cure.. only time will heal the pain.. I know it must be extremely hard for someone who has been cheated to trust her/him again... but if you want to stay with her.. you need to forget the whole thing.. don't let the dark thoughts take over.. change your mind.. meditate.. go for a walk.. it is easier said than done .. but for your own sanity and happiness as well as hers.. you have to put that behind you.
__________________ "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet" - Mae West
lizzie 60, thank you - thats the closet that I have come to hearing something that I want to.
To all the others, thank you too for your input. I want to be part of the group that survives this. I want to put it behind me, its hard... real hard thats all..
Youre all right - she cheated... she did wrong. But shes a good person. Shes been a good wife and mother. She was in a real bad place for a while, and chose the wrong way to deal with it. (no sit I hear you say!)
Its my choice to forgive her, again, youre right, if the shoe was on the other foot this would be a very different discussion that we'd be having, and I can imagine the abuse that she'd be yellin at me. But its not, my reality is this. Its very hard to tell you the full story, because its long, and I want to get past it. I want a fresh start. I want to get back the wife I knew, and the life I had. I want this horribel feeling to go, and I want to feel happy.
heres a few parts to the story:
*She was lost - kind of like a breakdown I guess.
*Her affair was with this other guy. He is a serial cheater and she says used her. (I'm not stupid... she wasnt raped or anything, she chose to screw the slimeball.)
*it went on for a year and only ended because I busted her.
*we both saw other people in the time that we were seperated. I met a lovely single mom but it didnt work out. She (my wife) was seeing several people, I dont know the exact details and I dont want to.
*Her offering me her cellfone records and emails etc is BS, I know that - she is very able to fake them and use them to fool me again...so its a hollow and useless thing.
*she is keeping an on-line blog and I've seen the things that she wants/needs of me and I am a million miles from them at the moment... but her patients is low and she expects me to be able to say I Love You just like that, and I cant.
it all sucks big time, and I really wish that none of this had ever happened, but it did, and this is my world.
Thanks guys, for all your words, both what I want to hear, and what I dont.... Its all good to see.
I think it is heart rending that you want to try again.
I have been married twice. the first time, there were no kids. H had a brief affair- and we were apart for a year. In that time I dated but found we wanted to try again.
It was hard, and if I am honest I am I ever really forgot although I did forgive.- we lasted another 3-4 years after the reconciliation.
2nd time it was me who fell off the fidelity ladder. I still feel guilty. cos yes, I still believe I am basically a good decent person. I just made a mistake. H did not want to try again, I think he was glad he could end the R with me to blame without seeing how his neglect had contributed ( he was depressed for a number of years)
I suffered because my parents split cos my dad could not keep it in his pants. I did not want that for my kids and wish we had found a way to sort things out as you are trying to do.
as for mobiles/ e-mails etc, you are right, if someone wants to deceive you they will. It is getting your M to the state where she would not want to think about it . There are no guarantees. But those advocating divorce don't figure that that does not end the pain. If anything it prolongs it. Good luck
Its my choice to forgive her, again, youre right, if the shoe was on the other foot this would be a very different discussion that we'd be having, and I can imagine the abuse that she'd be yellin at me.
Have you brought this up with her? This sounds like a double standard right there! If you haven't brought it up, I think you need to. You can't and shouldn't be expected to "just get over it" like someone here has stated, because you'll never actually get over it, all those images and stuff! What, does your wife think that? If she's thinking this way, that tells you that she really doesn't care about your feelings and well being at all, at the same time she doesn't want to accept the consequences or responsibilities of her actions!
You're settling for her crap! Why settle for someone who does that trumatic kind of abuse to not only you, but, also to her children? Man, you gotta get away from her, you deserve much better than your cheater that you have for a wife. She'll probably end up doing this to you again.
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You shouldn't have to pay for her affair!
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet" - Mae West
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