Is this considered cheating....or being unfaithful?
Married 28 years...2 grown children. We have had some issued & separated for a while - but now we are committed to making our marriage work -(or we said we both were committed to this)
Now this question....My husband, who frequents the "bar scene"....He has several waitresses'/bartenders phone numbers in his cell phone. Not only does he call them randomly but also text messages them thruout the day. I read one reply from one of these girls (they are 25 & under) & it said something along the lines of......."OMG my middle name is blankie I could wrap you up, JK, you rock." I can fill in the lines myself with what he probably typed to her (it was one of our first cold fall days) Anyway, He says these "girls" are his friends & there is nothing wrong with him having banter & or calling them. Any input from anyone out there?
I don't consider that as cheating but flirting for sure.
Do you ever go with him to the bar? If so, how does he act around the 'regulars' (those who are in his phone)?
If it were me I'd tell him that I didn't think it was appropriate behavior for a married man to have these women texting him (or talking to him on the phone) and if he wanted to continue any form of relationship with them that you wanted to meet them and even be included. Then you can see for yourself how they act together. I'm sure you'd notice if he was acting strange or not (cover-up, etc.) so you can decide for yourself what's really going on.
but now we are committed to making our marriage work
Tell me about that, specifically. Have you broached this subject in MC? Have you ever had MC?
If you knew these women, you could then decide for yourself if contact was appropriate or not for you. But, since you don't, I think it's time you do. We always have friends over for dinner. Makes for great conversation and getting to know people
And, yes, I practice what I preach. I had a friend I had long had feelings for (longer than I've known my wife) and her boyfriend over so everyone got to know each other. I resolved those feelings and we remain friends and she and my wife get on fine, sometimes too fine
So, give it a try. He should have nothing to hide, regardless of what he's doing. Your marriage should be his first priority.
Tell him point blank...you will NOT accept that kind of behavior from him any longer.
Marriage counseling should be working to help the two of you work on your marriage...that "bar scene" is doing nothing but tearing it down.
Why should you accept this kind of behavior?????
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Is this considered cheating....or being unfaithful?
If it was behaviour that was making me uncomfortable, stressed and/or upset, I'd not even bother to try to put any more labels on it. And who cares what others might call it?
If you don't like it, time to have a chat with Hubby and remind that he is being presented with an excellent opportunity to demonstrate his commitment to you.
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"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol
I do go with him from time to time. (but during the separation, I didn't go in at all - about 6 months time) He does hug on these "girls" & smiles a big broad smile when he sees them....."Hello Sunshine" stuff like that. Tells them how cute they look...(boobs hanging out, stomach's showing etc.- they don't all dress this way, but one in particular does)
Also, I only know this information because I don't trust him still because of past issues & I check his phone, (he either erases everything from the day if he brings the phone in - or if he forgets - I go out to his truck & check after he is asleep.) I know it's inappropriate for me to check his phone but because of these past issues, when I confront him with stuff like this - he finds a way to throw it back on me or twist it around like I don't know what I'm talking about. So, I have learned to have FACTS instead of going with "instinct" when it comes to things like this.
Yes, we do still have issues to work thru- I know that - & so does he. The trust may come back - someday, but while he is doing this - it won't be coming back anytime soon. And, one more thing, he can't go one day without going into this particular bar.
It's not that I'm insecure about these young girls. They are all, for the most part dumber than boxes of rocks.....but I feel like if a 48 year old man is going to work on his marriage - why "flirt, text, call, other girls thruout the day"? EGO?
What sort of problems were you having before that made you separate? Not being nosey just trying to understand your background more and his behavior.
When he stops at this particular bar, is he going there to meet with buddies or is he stopping in for a few drinks whilst chatting with these girls?
I would definitely put my foot down now though and explain to him that this talk with the girls needs to stop completely if he is still interested in repairing your marriage from past issues. Are you both in MC?
How would your husband react if you had men texting you?
Ever ask him?
It's totally unacceptable....shoot, I won't even get in an elevator with another woman if we would be alone. I don't give rides to women if we are the only 2 in the vehicle. This has caused some embarrassing moments professionally when I refuse to do so....
Your husband is placing himself into a situation that could/is affecting the marriage.....
A 48yo married man with lady friends aged 25 and under? Please. Huge red flag. Taking into account all other details you have mentioned about him, he's definitely on his way to cheat, if he hasn't done so already..
Curiously, does H go to the bar to hang out with his male friends? If not, why not just stock the bar at home and he can unwind there? I'm H's age and, yeah, I enjoy it when my wife and I go out to socialize at clubs/bars, etc, but I don't see any good reason why I would go places like that alone, save for meeting up with a group of male friends.
I'll be honest. Your H likes the ego feed he gets from these young women flirting with him and titillating him with their nubile bodies. It's perfectly normal. He had/has to make the cognitive choice to prioritize his marriage above his base instincts. That's part of being an evolved human being.
Tell me, would he care if you left tomorrow? His actions (obviously we don't know the whole story) tell me it doesn't really matter to him. Happy to be wrong
Is this considered cheating....or being unfaithful?
Married 28 years...2 grown children. We have had some issued & separated for a while - but now we are committed to making our marriage work -(or we said we both were committed to this)
Now this question....My husband, who frequents the "bar scene"....He has several waitresses'/bartenders phone numbers in his cell phone. Not only does he call them randomly but also text messages them thruout the day. I read one reply from one of these girls (they are 25 & under) & it said something along the lines of......."OMG my middle name is blankie I could wrap you up, JK, you rock." I can fill in the lines myself with what he probably typed to her (it was one of our first cold fall days) Anyway, He says these "girls" are his friends & there is nothing wrong with him having banter & or calling them. Any input from anyone out there?
Your husband is a cheating dog and a jackass. Plain and simple.
Is this considered cheating....or being unfaithful?
To me, there's a fairly easy standard to apply. And that is, would your husband do the same thing if you were standing right there? With you present, would he be having a conversation with this young lady that ended with "my middle name is blankie I could wrap you up"?
Yes, its his EGO. You may have other problems in your marriage, but this kind of thing almost always seems to be about ego.
I realize of course that a 48 yo man may be attractive to a very few 20-25 yo women. But your husband does not sound like the successful, father figureish, financially independent man so many women can be attracted to. He goes to this bar on a DAILY basis. Chances are very good they see him for what he is: a lonely middle aged man trying to fit into a younger crowd, who may tip - if not well, then at least daily. Take some comfort in the fact that these women work there - they are being paid. He is the only daily volunteer. It is not unusual for a bar regular to feel like one of the crowd or family of employees . However, they probably see him in a different light.
Anything your H does that makes you uncomfortable is wrong. It is OK that you check his phone - I would tell him since he apparently needs to be monitored. I would also point out all of the above described and tell him he is making a complete jackass of himself. I would add that this desperateness to fit in makes him unattractive in your eyes. He is 48 years old. Find another hobby.
This is just me, and if you are intent on putting a stop to this while working on other issues - I would go to the bar, speak to the girls and apologize for my husbands leach like behavior and ask them not to particpate. All with a smile and a wink.
As I read all of these posts - I can't help but chuckle. One, because these 'girls' think he is a pretty great guy. He tips VERY well. I know that's part of why they think he's great. And the reality of it is He really IS a nice man -to other people - But most girls in that age group are looking for sugar daddies......So, maybe they would think he fits the bill. And 2ndly - I know I'll get lots of responses on this little addition - Our daughter also works there.--- I don't think they say to her that her dad is texting them....I'd hope they could be a little descrete in that area.
We have been in MC....but quit when I moved back home (yes, I moved out for a while) I was told that things were better - or would be. I went home mostly for financial reasons....Neither of us is "estatically happy" about being back together. It's just more convenient. He gets to be in "Do as you please land" during the day & has a wife to come home to in the evenings.....
And in answer to your question "What would he say If I did that" I can tell you he would not care ONE BIT....Not one bit. I guess I bounce this question off of you because he has always played head games with me & even now I am letting him do it again. He twists & turns things so that it makes me look like I"m crazy. I always second guess my decisions. Another reason why I left & came back.........
Oh & answering the other question - Yes he does go there to meet his buddies - Whom all but a very few are married...the rest are single. And, NO I doubt very much that these other married men have these girlie's phone numbers in their cell phone.
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