[gd26]

Hi all,

I am wondering... if you go NC with someone, does it allow you to still be friends in the future? Or would the person just think you have 'issues' and be upset with you for ignoring him/her and not want to be friends at a later time?

I am 20 days NC already and don't feel like breaking it now. This guy and I were never in a relationship. In the beginning he was interested in me, and soon after I reciprocated interest... but I made the mistake of liking him too much and being a bit clingy, which scared him off, and now he just wants to be friends. He told me 20 days ago that I was being clingy and he needed space... so I haven't contacted him since. He wrote me a quick email over a week ago, but I haven't responded (it was just a generic "I'm doing well, life is great, thanks for giving me space, I'll chat with you later" email that doesn't really require a response, as he didn't ask about how I was doing in it). I have moved out of the sadness phase and am moving into the anger phase now (he really didn't do anything wrong to me per se, I just feel upset for being a string along). So if he writes me again and I don't respond, it would be pretty obvious that I'm ignoring him. Even though I want to get over him now, I don't want to close the door to possible friendship later.... but I am not emotionally able to write to him again to tell him that I want to go NC. The thought of contacting him again (after he told me I was being too clingy) makes me sick to my stomach. After 20 days NC, I don't want to go back there. Yet I don't want to act too 'weird' by ignoring him so that we can never be friends later either... I want to keep the door open.

Thoughts?

[BCCA]

You said it yourself, you're not there emotionally yet to be his friend. You wouldnt be doing anyone a favor by being in contact with him until you are completely healed from the situation. There is no timetable, its whenever you feel ready. Im sure if you reached out to him at a later date and explained your need for space and time to heal, he will understand. It's really better for the both of you to take some time out to get over things.

[gd26]

I am not planning on calling him or initiating email further (not unless he did a complete 180 change of attitude with me). His comments about me being clingy bruised my ego, so I certainly have pulled away entirely. It's just that I know sooner or later he will call or email me again, so I don't know how to respond to that.

I don't perceive him to be the clingy type at all... so I know that if I ignored him a few times, he would just move on with his life. However, later if I tried to explain why I felt the need to ignore him, so that we could be friends... then again it would be like I was pursuing him, giving him the upper hand once again to dictate things on his terms, and I'd be dismissed as someone with 'drama'. I just don't know what the appropriate way to handle this is.

I realize that I don't make him sound very nice here... in fact, he is a great guy, which is why I want to be friends in the first place. I am just tired emotionally.

[D-Lish]

I think the appropriate way to handle it is to continue to live your life as who you are- not pining over what you did or didn't do "right" to keep the relationship alive. The bottom line is that the compatibility wasn't there- and that's no one's fault.

People don't complete us- we complete ourselves. I suspect that once you get over this- you really won't want to be friends with him. Accepting friendship when you have a crush on someone is accepting second best- and you deserve better.

They call it a crush- because it literally "crushes" us when it's not reciprocated. I wouldn't be concerned about trying to be friends- I think we cling to the notion of friendship with someone we have romantic feelings for because we think we can either change how they feel about us, or we are willing to settle for less than a relationship.

You can't win either way. I'd continue with NC- accept that this is not your problem- it's his. It's not rejection, it's a matter of incompatibility.

[sid3]

very true. Listen to D, she's right on the money.

[gd26]

Thanks D, your advice does make a lot of sense. I hadn't really thought about it as a matter of incompatibility, but that is an interesting perspective, which helps.

I do pine a bit over the mistakes I made... thinking 'if only I hadn't gotten insecure or clingy, then he would still be wanting me as much as he used to'. It's hard to not feel regret over the past and not wanting another chance to redo things. So I agree that I just need to realize that I'm not perfect and quit giving myself a hard time.