Hey all, my girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago and yes I am heart broken, we'd been together for a year now. It's an LDR, I made this topic http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162972/ but the thing is, very few people look in there compared to here and I'm looking for a quick answer, even just one to give me a thought. Please read what I wrote there, and then know this, I want to win her back because I truly do love her and I don't want to go on without her. She spends all of her time with me, if she didn't have feelings for me, why would she bother talking to me..? Thanks in advance for anyone who'll respond, I'm going to call her tonight and I need to know if it'll be smart to bring up my feelings for her even though she asked me not to..
So she picked on you to see what your reaction was and when it wasn't what she wanted, she dumped you. **** her. I'm sure she's gorgeous but don't waste your time with girls who play mind games. You're young. REALIZE that there will be more, and better ones.
Also to allanDR, she didn't 'test' me, she never felt this way, but she expected more out of me, and I didn't give it. It's not about looks or I'd not gotten into an LDR, and after she broke up with me, she told me everything and it was so simple and hit me so directly and harshly and I know it was mistakes of mine to change myself for her because she loved me for who I was.. I just need to show her that I can be myself hopefully. She's had relationships before but she never got close to anyone, I'm the first she got close to (of about 6, she got tired of physical relationships) so I doubt feelings could fade like that..
Also to allanDR, she didn't 'test' me, she never felt this way, but she expected more out of me, and I didn't give it. It's not about looks or I'd not gotten into an LDR, and after she broke up with me, she told me everything and it was so simple and hit me so directly and harshly and I know it was mistakes of mine to change myself for her because she loved me for who I was.. I just need to show her that I can be myself hopefully. She's had relationships before but she never got close to anyone, I'm the first she got close to (of about 6, she got tired of physical relationships) so I doubt feelings could fade like that..
Then I wish you the best of luck, but I don't know what advice to give.
Just know that you'll be fine, and this will only help you in the future.
With that said, you cant 'win' people back. You cant make some one want to be with you if they dont want to. I'm sure you don't want to go on without her (no one likes being dumped), but you CAN go on without her. Dont let this make you feel that your life is over because you lost a girlfriend. Most relationships DON'T work out. Very few people married the first 2-3 people they fell in love with, but you learn from each experience and end up a better partner because of it.
I would not only advise against bringing up you feelings or the relationship, but I would go one step further and tell you to stop talking to her all together. I really think the only reason she's talking to you now is guilt. I'm sorry to even have to say that, but you cant read into anything she does right now. If she wanted to be together, you wouldnt be in this situation. I know how bad it sucks, I'm there right now myself. But no contact is almost forcing me to heal. You should just avoid her all together and let things sort themselves out. Youre not going to be able to say or do anything to make her want to be with you again unless she misses you. She cant miss you if youre still around...
Just know that you'll be fine, and this will only help you in the future.
With that said, you cant 'win' people back. You cant make some one want to be with you if they dont want to. I'm sure you don't want to go on without her (no one likes being dumped), but you CAN go on without her. Dont let this make you feel that your life is over because you lost a girlfriend. Most relationships DON'T work out. Very few people married the first 2-3 people they fell in love with, but you learn from each experience and end up a better partner because of it.
I would not only advise against bringing up you feelings or the relationship, but I would go one step further and tell you to stop talking to her all together. I really think the only reason she's talking to you now is guilt. I'm sorry to even have to say that, but you cant read into anything she does right now. If she wanted to be together, you wouldnt be in this situation. I know how bad it sucks, I'm there right now myself. But no contact is almost forcing me to heal. You should just avoid her all together and let things sort themselves out. Youre not going to be able to say or do anything to make her want to be with you again unless she misses you. She cant miss you if youre still around...
That is very true so I'm pretty much narrowed down to two things I can do right now.
The first would be to stop all contact and see if she comes to me, knowing that if she doesn't, then she really doesn't care...
The second is to keep talking with her but about normal things, as a friend.
Right now, literally just coming off of the break-up, it's extremely difficult to stop talking to her, I actually tried to yesterday. Whenever we've talked the past three days, I've never started anything, It's always something she says and every once in a while I'd put in my comment and after she's said a lot I'll say something, but not about me, not anymore.
Earlier I asked her, "if you don't care about me anymore, why do you spend all of your time with me, why are you here with me when you could be anywhere else?" (over the internet) and her response was this: 'You're the only one who shares all(she didn't emphasize this but the word itself spoke out to me) of the same interests as me, and without you I'd be bored at home all day every day, it's nice to talk with you since there's always something interesting to say'. This tells me that despite breaking up with me, she still likes being in my company, whether she'll say so or not. Maybe I should come up with some excuse like "Internet's going out for a week" or something and see if she tries to contact me...
I want to try ignoring her, stopping to communicate with her, but I don't know how to START doing that.. I mean I know her, and if I suddenly disappear, I know she'll spend every day waiting for me, I know it, it's always been that way. So do I come up with an excuse or something?
By the way, I called about an hour ago, her mom answered the phone, I didn't say a word lol it was sooo weird, I hope she doesnt know its me, or my ex (i'm so uncomfortable saying that, but its how i have to address her now) is going to be in big trouble.. > <
A friend told me today "take everything you think you should do, and do the opposite". The things I'd been doing were as me007's link said, begging, explaining I still love her, that I need her, etc. Now the opposite I know I've never tried.. so maybe it's time to give it a go since things are already over.
It hurts to talk to her knowing we're not together anymore, but she still likes talking to me, I don't want her to feel sad that I don't want to talk with her, I really do, I just can't anymore, unless we're together.. it doesn't feel right, that's not wrong, is it? If I leave, she'll have nobody to talk to and nothing to do.. maybe she'll miss me then.. I'm thinking strongly on the blocking communication thing right now, but I hope i'm not over-thinking it. Any further advice would be much appreciated.. I still have to think about it, I don't sleep much now anyway (unhealthy, I know, but I used to fall asleep to the sound of her voice, now that I can't, it's hard). Thanks for the help so far.
She wants to keep you as 'friends' because its easier for her to get over it if you're in her life. She can keep you around to talk to until she finds some one else. And make no mistake, if she does, she wont have the time of day for you anymore. I've been there before, it's not something you want to be around for. She's holding you back for her own selfish benefit.
Here is how to start no contact (which you absolute need to do - dont be her emotional tampon if your not getting what you need in return): Do not make any attempts to contact her at all. No IM/text/call/email/letter/etc. If she tries to contact you, ignore it. You dont owe her anything, including an explination for why you dont need to talk to her anymore. She isnt going to help you feel any better, and even if you want to get her back, you've got to just make a clean break and clear your head.
I know NC is hard..I'm in it myself. And I did the begging and all that... it just confirmed his decision of breaking up with me. If you have nothing to lose, it can't hurt going NC and doing the opposite.
Staying friends is giving the benefit of still have you in her life. Can you honestly just talk to her as a friend? I'm sure at some point you'll break down and ask about the relationship or something will come up that will hurt you or get you mad.
If she contacts you just say you are busy or you can be honest and say you need some time out to yourself.
NC for awhile will help you prepare to heal and pull your feelings away so you can talk to her without your emotions getting in the way. It will give her time to miss your company and will give her time to think of what she's missing out on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beyond Eternity
That is very true so I'm pretty much narrowed down to two things I can do right now.
The first would be to stop all contact and see if she comes to me, knowing that if she doesn't, then she really doesn't care...
The second is to keep talking with her but about normal things, as a friend.
Right now, literally just coming off of the break-up, it's extremely difficult to stop talking to her, I actually tried to yesterday. Whenever we've talked the past three days, I've never started anything, It's always something she says and every once in a while I'd put in my comment and after she's said a lot I'll say something, but not about me, not anymore.
Earlier I asked her, "if you don't care about me anymore, why do you spend all of your time with me, why are you here with me when you could be anywhere else?" (over the internet) and her response was this: 'You're the only one who shares all(she didn't emphasize this but the word itself spoke out to me) of the same interests as me, and without you I'd be bored at home all day every day, it's nice to talk with you since there's always something interesting to say'. This tells me that despite breaking up with me, she still likes being in my company, whether she'll say so or not. Maybe I should come up with some excuse like "Internet's going out for a week" or something and see if she tries to contact me...
I want to try ignoring her, stopping to communicate with her, but I don't know how to START doing that.. I mean I know her, and if I suddenly disappear, I know she'll spend every day waiting for me, I know it, it's always been that way. So do I come up with an excuse or something?
By the way, I called about an hour ago, her mom answered the phone, I didn't say a word lol it was sooo weird, I hope she doesnt know its me, or my ex (i'm so uncomfortable saying that, but its how i have to address her now) is going to be in big trouble.. > <
A friend told me today "take everything you think you should do, and do the opposite". The things I'd been doing were as me007's link said, begging, explaining I still love her, that I need her, etc. Now the opposite I know I've never tried.. so maybe it's time to give it a go since things are already over.
It hurts to talk to her knowing we're not together anymore, but she still likes talking to me, I don't want her to feel sad that I don't want to talk with her, I really do, I just can't anymore, unless we're together.. it doesn't feel right, that's not wrong, is it? If I leave, she'll have nobody to talk to and nothing to do.. maybe she'll miss me then.. I'm thinking strongly on the blocking communication thing right now, but I hope i'm not over-thinking it. Any further advice would be much appreciated.. I still have to think about it, I don't sleep much now anyway (unhealthy, I know, but I used to fall asleep to the sound of her voice, now that I can't, it's hard). Thanks for the help so far.
I know NC is hard..I'm in it myself. And I did the begging and all that... it just confirmed his decision of breaking up with me. If you have nothing to lose, it can't hurt going NC and doing the opposite.
Staying friends is giving the benefit of still have you in her life. Can you honestly just talk to her as a friend? I'm sure at some point you'll break down and ask about the relationship or something will come up that will hurt you or get you mad.
If she contacts you just say you are busy or you can be honest and say you need some time out to yourself.
NC for awhile will help you prepare to heal and pull your feelings away so you can talk to her without your emotions getting in the way. It will give her time to miss your company and will give her time to think of what she's missing out on.
Right on point.
__________________
Don't make someone a priority if they make you an option.
Alright it was very hard to me, but I just went my first day without contact. Last night I did try to call as I said I would but something happened, and instead of her, her mom picked up the phone. This is the last I know of anything happening with her, since yesterday I haven't said a word. The whole day I literally had to keep myself busy because my heart wanted to come online here to be with her, but I held strong, I need to do this. Just a minute ago, I signed in to check if she'd sent any messages (we always left each other messages if the other wasn't there). To be honest, I didn't expect anything seeing as I feel horrible right now. But to my surprise, she said "even though you're not my boyfriend anymore, I miss you and I really hope you're okay, I'm worried about you.. and worried would be putting it in a subtle way" before she had to go she said "I have to go now, I really wish we could have talked today, but more importantly, I hope you're alright". This hit me, I found myself forming a light smile for the first time in a week! Although I know that this is too soon to start talking to her again.. if she misses me one day, she's only had one day to think on what we had for one year.
Now I'm wondering how long it will be until she tells me she still has feelings, or brings up the relationship itself... I have worry on my mind though, is there such thing as: being gone too long (she can't phone me because right now she doesn't have the money to do so, she's paying back a loan and for school and I doubt she'll be able to call even though she will eventually badly want to), is there any way that she'll reminisce in old feelings and memories, and then, hmm I guess what I'm really asking is, is there any way that she'd stop or give up because she thinks I'm not coming back? (as in contacting her) I want to get more out of her, but I don't want her to give up or just stop... because I fear she may really move on if she does.
One last thing, she also said "It's not like you to be gone for a whole day... I really do wonder where you are" I'm not sure if that has significance as well but it might if she's actually talking about me.
Last edited by Beyond Eternity; 2nd September 2008 at 11:09 PM..
Thanks for the response sedgwick but if you'd read the rest of the topic, that was the night before and I pretty much had to do hold everything in because I wasn't able to tell her anyway. This was actually good though, I fear something else may have gone wrong.
I have an update that I need help trying to understand. This is the 2nd day, only the 2nd (but try thinking in the perspective that we always spent every single day together, at the least, four hours, even if we had a fight or something, we were always together and tried to work it out) day I'm completely ignoring her messages and calls. Going with the whole no-contact thing. Usually around this time every week she has to go meet her family to have a little gathering, so I know she won't be online. Knowing this, I snuck on to check if she sent any messages. She tells me she regrets breaking up with me, that she has thought a lot on it. (I think I should tell you, when she "thinks" on something, it's not for fifteen minutes or an hour, it's for hours, usually in a row) She then went on to tell me that I am a truly wonderful person (as opposed to the last month of calling me an a-hole and a horrible boyfriend), and that she feels truly happy deep inside to have me, which makes her feel even worse for breaking up with me. Then there were a LOT (more than 20) of messages telling me she misses me and feels bad and lonely without me, that she's worried to death about me. Then she said "maybe you're clearing out your thoughts, but I don't know, I have no way of knowing... I just hope you're truly alright" and this is good, because she's catching on that it's probably just me thinking things over, since it's not like me at all to go on without her, ever.
I don't think it will be much longer until she tells me she still loves me... my question is, how much longer should I go without contact her? It's clear she has feelings for me but like I said, she's the toughest person ever, especially for a girl and she just couldn't show it anymore during the relationship, but deep inside I had a feeling she still felt deeply for me. These messages are proving it more and more, and I don't want her to feel lonely forever, because it's clear we both still care for each other. So how long should I keep this going? I honestly miss her so much and it hurts to keep away from her, I've the biggest urge and temptation to talk to her, but I know I can't just yet or I'll ruin everything I've set up so far. Thanks in advance, the sooner I get replies, the easier I'll sleep at night, which is still not very long... I find myself dreadfully tired all day as a result.
It's an addiction leaving your body. I talked to my bf everyday for hours and hours for over 2 years...we'd start talking from the evening till sunrise we'd still be talking.
If she's the one to say she wants to try and talk things over and get back together go NC for 2 weeks, if she doesn't say anything about regretting her decision or getting back together make it a month. Mark it off on your calendar. If she calls, stay friendly and happy so she doesn't think you are being a jerk doing this. If she said "you are clearing out your thoughts" then she should be understanding if you say you are taking time out to yourself.
One of the reasons you said she broke up with you was she felt you didn't stand up for yourself..maybe this is showing her you are standing up for yourself and won't always be around just to keep her company till someone better comes around. Make sure she misses YOU and not just missing someone to talk to.
The thing is, I never told her that, or anything at all really. I just disappeared, didn't show up the next day after I was supposed to call her at night (which I did but as I said, she couldn't speak). She thinks I might be clearing out my thoughts but she's very unsure in the way she sounded in her messages.
The bad thing about the calls is, she can't afford to call me right now and probably won't be able to for at least 1-2 months. On the other hand, I can afford to call her right now if I wanted to... well I do want to, but I can't.
I personally think two weeks is a bit long, then again it's far too early to judge. It's been two days so far and I guess I'll find out after... a week. We've never gone that long without talking, not even when she went on vacation with her family for three weeks, we stayed in touch almost every day. I want her to know I'm alright, but I don't want to look eager to talk to her and if I message her back, I know I'll be giving that wrong impression.
It's very true the last bit you mentioned, I am showing I have guts and can stand up to my own self by doing this. Also, you're right, I need to wait until she clearly shows she misses me, and not the fun in talking with me. Yesterday she told me she only talks to me, she misses talking to me even if we're not going out. Today she told me she still thinks I'm a wonderful guy, the most caring and loving guy in her whole life and she said "I'm stupid for ending the relationship, I wish I didn't." Then she stressed very highly that she misses me and hopes that I'm alright. I think one week is enough.. but maybe that's just how I feel right now... I'm going to wait and see how much more comes out of her, she's going to have to give me more for the way she acted for the last month before dumping me. Thanks for the help me007, I'll post an update if something happens that I need some advice or help on.
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