Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
Would Anyone Else Feel This Way or Am I Being Unreasonable??
For you to understand the question I had to elaborate on the history.
My Husband and I have been married about 3months,(not long I know). In the beginning of our relationship, in which was 2 yrs ago, I thought, and was under the impression we were both exclusive, he had numerous hook ups and was dating (dinner, flirting all that good stuff) a lot of girls.......while he was with me. I found out later after engaged the mass of women there actually was.
Ok so we got passed all that, and we/ I have been working on the trust issue ever since. But there are still flare ups of jealousy, insecurities and distrust. (For all those people saying I shouldnt have gotten married, please save it. Im already in this for the long hall)
So, This Saturday night he went to a friends BBQ which we were both invited to. I couldnt go. I work the 3rd shift and had to keep my sleep schedule. I had no problem with him going. Ok since I did marry; what Im going to call a manwhore, I know that its always almost everytime we go out we come across someone he used to date or was involved with intimately while he was with me. This is Very uncomfortable for me and makes it very hard to move on and forget. I asked him politely bfore he left to let me know if there is anyone there he used to be "involved" with. He said yeah, in a smart ass way, "I'll report back to you." Whatever.
I get a call hours later saying that yeah a certain girl I know about that he was into, yet I never had seen was there. Did I mention it was a girl he was into while I was his supposed serious GF. I'm glad he told me however his only other choice was to lie to me about it because I was going to ask anyway later when I saw him. So he did the right thing by telling me.
After leaving me this bomb of a message for me to wake up to on my phone and then not answering his phone for 2hrs afterwards, my mind was freaking out. Finally he called and I asked if she was still there....yes she was. I asked if they had talked... he said no. (I dont believe it at all) Then when I asked where he had been for the last 2 hrs he told me in the pool, and told me that everyone including her was in the pool. Now from what he has told me about her in the past to make himself sound cool, she is a looker with a great bod. Great....shes flaunting around in her bikini Im thinking.
I asked him to leave the party for my own emotional and mental well being. By this time he had been there for about 3 hrs. I told him that if it was any other situation, like an old girl friend from 10 yrs ago, or anyone else wouldnt matter, but because this was a girl who was a part of his secret life while he was with me, (now she knew nothing of me and prob still doesnt) I told him that it brings back old emotions and trauma of what he put me through. The entire time he was there I had to re-live what he did to me. He didnt understand nor care cause he told me to get over it, shut off his phone and stayed there for another 5 hrs until 12am.
We still havent spoken, I wont talk to him, and Im hurt. Now for all those reading this long annoying post, do you think it was unreasonable for me to ask him to leave? I would have been ok with compromising on the time, but to stay there in the company of someone he knew was part of a bad time for that long was rude and insulting. Any advice or opinions would be helpful.
Oh, he tells me he wouldnt care if any old guys I used to "hang" with were around. He says he trusts. I say it must be nice to have someone to trust.
Thanks
__________________ *A nation's culture resides in the hearts and in the soul of its people*
Your and your husband's morals are incompatible. He created this situation by being dishonest with you. The result is that your self esteem has been injured. While its good of him to be honest to you now he seems insensitive to the needs that you have developed because of his past indiscretions. Are you being unreasonable? No, I don't think so.
You cannot really force him to become sensitive to you. You've expressed your needs and he has made it clear that he has no interest in accountability. You have to decide if you are willing to settle for that.
I think you're doing the right thing by not talking to him. I think you made it very clear where you stood on the situation that night, and since he chose to do what he did, I think it's on him to apologize to you or at least talk to you about it. If you do decide to speak with him, make sure that the first thing you two address is this matter.
Being as you two have gotten past his past, I think it's fair that you carry some remnants of the emotional scars, and I think it's OK that you asked him to leave. Based on what you have posted, his response was less than nice. If he had offered an explanation, a compromise, or some good reassurance, then it may have been more OK that he stayed.
Stay strong... as you said, you're in it for the long haul, and it is hard to move on from past hurt, but if he has done nothing wrong, then some sincere communication between the two of you may solve this problem. Good luck!
You knowingly married a liar, a cheater, a manwhore. And he thought nothing of doing those things, and you, despite how you felt about it, accepted his behavior in order to marry him.
You can't expect him to change just because he signed a marriage license. Change requires a sincere desire and a lot of effort. You can expect him to do exactly as he is doing - disregarding your feelings for his own pleasure - because that's what he's always done.
Asking him to leave the part was reasonable. Expecting him to take your feelings into account and doing the honorable thing is foolish - he's never taken the high road before, and it's not likely he's going to start now.
I don't think not talking to him will do much, to be honest. He may eventually say what you want him to say, but it won't change who he is on the inside and how he believes he should behave.
In the beginning of our relationship, in which was 2 yrs ago, I thought, and was under the impression we were both exclusive, he had numerous hook ups and was dating (dinner, flirting all that good stuff) a lot of girls.......while he was with me. I found out later after engaged the mass of women there actually was.
Alibi, in what way did he lead you to believe that you were exclusive? Was it outright lying, lying by omission (you expressing exclusivity, him avoiding the question) or did you not have the exclusivity discussion, therefore, made an assumption?
I wont talk to him, and Im hurt. ... do you think it was unreasonable for me to ask him to leave?
No, given the lack of trust that exists between you, you were not unreasonable to ask him to leave. And it really doesn't matter if he would have been okay with it, if the situation was reversed. After all, YOU have not given him any reason to distrust.
I understand that you are hurt, disappointed and distressed. And 'total withdrawal' is how I used to try to cope with such feelings, too. But, while it did fulfill my (unconscious/denied) need and desire to "punish the offending party", it ultimately did not fulfill my real need and desire to be treated with love, respect, dignity and acceptance. It was ineffective in helping me get what I really wanted.
__________________
"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol
For all those people saying I shouldnt have gotten married, please save it. Im already in this for the long hall.
The word is "haul," first and foremost.
Secondly, you're not a victim - you're a volunteer. As NoraJane said (and thank God someone said it) you walked into this knowing full well who you were marrying. You knew full well that he has zero regard for you and zero respect as well. Your post reeks of it - just the way he sneers at you and talks down to you like your a needy, whiney pain in his butt.
So great - you're in it for the long 'hall.'
How's that working for you?
It's kind of hard to get out my crying towel for you when you walked into this with your eyes wide open. Then, you're telling everyone here to 'save it' because you don't want us to point out the PAINFULLY obvious mistake you made in marrying this creep.
Okay, shutting off the phone and staying for 5 more hours was rude and inappropriate behavior.
On the other had, I can see how there might be another side to this story which may look something like this: You said, "I thought, and was under the impression we were both exclusive." You don't say he actually told you he was seeing you exclusively, so it appears you just assumed he was being exclusive because that is what you would do.
When you discovered you had assumed wrong, "we/ I have been working on the trust issue ever since. But there are still flare ups of jealousy, insecurities and distrust." So now, even though he never indicated he was exclusive with you and therefore never violated your trust, you have been treating him with jealousy, insecurity, and destrust anyway for his failure to be faithful to your uncommunicated assumtion.
So from the point of view where he didn't do anything to give you cause to mistrust him, be insecure, or jealous, yet you have been treating him that way anyway, he now gets this phone call and hears:
"Not answering his phone for 2hrs afterwards, my mind was freaking out. (controlling, he needs to answer to you at all times) ... I asked if they had talked... he said no. (I dont believe it at all) (unjustified distrust) ...shes flaunting around in her bikini Im thinking (insecurity)... I asked him to leave the party for my own emotional and mental well being. (unreasonable demand for him to sacrifice his social relationships for your irrational insecurity)... I told him that if it was any other situation, like an old girl friend from 10 yrs ago, or anyone else wouldn't matter (attempt to rationalze why the demand isn't really unreasonable, also likely untrue with this level of distrust and insecurity)... The entire time he was there I had to re-live what he did to me. (blaming him for your own failure to communicate your assumtion)... He didnt understand nor care cause he told me to get over it, shut off his phone and stayed there for another 5 hrs until 12am (he finally gets fed up and behaves a little unreasonably himself).
I don't know if this is actually the case, but it appears maybe you didn't communicate your assumtions, and when you found out your fiancee had different ideas and values about sex and dating than you did, you said "we got passed all that" but you really didn't, you married him anyway, and now you keep throwing your own mistakes and assumptions n his face as if they were his fault.
Not trying to be harsh here or blame you, I just wanted to point out that there could be another side to this story.
Okay, shutting off the phone and staying for 5 more hours was rude and inappropriate behavior.
On the other had, I can see how there might be another side to this story which may look something like this: You said, "I thought, and was under the impression we were both exclusive." You don't say he actually told you he was seeing you exclusively, so it appears you just assumed he was being exclusive because that is what you would do.
When you discovered you had assumed wrong, "we/ I have been working on the trust issue ever since. But there are still flare ups of jealousy, insecurities and distrust." So now, even though he never indicated he was exclusive with you and therefore never violated your trust, you have been treating him with jealousy, insecurity, and destrust anyway for his failure to be faithful to your uncommunicated assumtion.
So from the point of view where he didn't do anything to give you cause to mistrust him, be insecure, or jealous, yet you have been treating him that way anyway, he now gets this phone call and hears:
"Not answering his phone for 2hrs afterwards, my mind was freaking out. (controlling, he needs to answer to you at all times) ... I asked if they had talked... he said no. (I dont believe it at all) (unjustified distrust) ...shes flaunting around in her bikini Im thinking (insecurity)... I asked him to leave the party for my own emotional and mental well being. (unreasonable demand for him to sacrifice his social relationships for your irrational insecurity)... I told him that if it was any other situation, like an old girl friend from 10 yrs ago, or anyone else wouldn't matter (attempt to rationalze why the demand isn't really unreasonable, also likely untrue with this level of distrust and insecurity)... The entire time he was there I had to re-live what he did to me. (blaming him for your own failure to communicate your assumtion)... He didnt understand nor care cause he told me to get over it, shut off his phone and stayed there for another 5 hrs until 12am (he finally gets fed up and behaves a little unreasonably himself).
I don't know if this is actually the case, but it appears maybe you didn't communicate your assumtions, and when you found out your fiancee had different ideas and values about sex and dating than you did, you said "we got passed all that" but you really didn't, you married him anyway, and now you keep throwing your own mistakes and assumptions n his face as if they were his fault.
Not trying to be harsh here or blame you, I just wanted to point out that there could be another side to this story.
I actually agree with this. It's not clear what kind of arrangement you had before your marriage. How did this revelation come about, anyway? Did he tell you or did you find out on your own that he was dating other women before your marriage?
I can understand why you might feel insecure and distrustful, but I also think your behavior is a little over the top. I think it's unreasonable to get upset with him simply because an ex is at the same party. He also has no control over what she wears. If he has a lot of ex girlfriends who happen to run along the same social circles as he, you're going to drive yourself nuts with jealousy.
When you shut down, refuse to be intimate, and attempt to control another person this way, it is going to backfire. It will simply drive that person away more. I'm not saying that your fears and insecurities aren't justified to some degree, but you can't spend the rest of your marriage this way...
I
When you shut down, refuse to be intimate, and attempt to control another person this way, it is going to backfire. It will simply drive that person away more. I'm not saying that your fears and insecurities aren't justified to some degree, but you can't spend the rest of your marriage this way...
I agree with you and understand what your saying however, I cant control the way I feel. I dont know why I feel insecure with this but I do. I dont know how to fix it. Ive tried. Also, In the beginning I made it very clear that exclusive was exactly that. There was no mis-understanding. At that time he just didnt care. He was able to get away with it. He has stated that to me before when we've had conversations. But dont you think that the attraction and lust for her would come back when he see's her. I mean I know if I was to see a person I was interested in at one point in time, I remember them by our relationship we had whether it be intimate or just friends. I typed this in a hurry so I hope it makes sense.
Also, In the beginning I made it very clear that exclusive was exactly that. There was no mis-understanding. At that time he just didnt care. He was able to get away with it. He has stated that to me before when we've had conversations.
Well, that changes things somewhat from my perspective. So you got yourself into a relationship "for the long haul" with someone who has been willing to be unfaithful if he can get away with it. Not a real great scenario, but here you are and you can't change the past.
So... you willing to be in a relationship for the long haul with a man who cheats? If so, a lot of men would love a relationship with a woman who is willing to tolerate their cheating, but I don't think you'd be posting here if that was the case.
If you are not willing to be in a relationship with a cheater, I suppose you could be controlling, insecure, and distrustful so he knows you will always be policing him and watiching to catch him screwing up. He will either stay in line becuase he is afraid you'll catch him, or he'll grow resentful and figure what the heck, you treat him this way already, so he may as well get the benefits of cheating if he is already suffering the consequences. Alternatively, you could decide that acting like your husband's parole officer instead of his spouse is not the best strategy for improving your marriage, and force yourself to give him the freedom to demonstrate if he will chose to be fatihful or not. Yes, he just might take advantage of that freedom to be unfaithful to you... but eventually the truth will come out and then you will know you only have two choices, be in a relationship with an unfaithful partner or leave. Of course, this is much easier advice to give on a message board that to have to live out in a relationship.
Also, In the beginning I made it very clear that exclusive was exactly that. There was no mis-understanding. At that time he just didnt care. He was able to get away with it. He has stated that to me before when we've had conversations. .
What did he do to make you want to marry him??
I know you are fully aware that he will cheat again...right??
(For all those people saying I shouldnt have gotten married, please save it. Im already in this for the long hall)
<snip>
Now for all those reading this long annoying post, do you think it was unreasonable for me to ask him to leave? I would have been ok with compromising on the time, but to stay there in the company of someone he knew was part of a bad time for that long was rude and insulting. Any advice or opinions would be helpful.
It wasn't an unreasonable expectation in general but it was an unreasonable expectation in your particular circumstance. I doubt he looks back on that period as a "bad time," he was having a ball himself. He has no empathy for you there.
Being in this for the long haul means you have to come to accept him for what he is 100%. He isn't changing and you can only successfully change yourself. Imagine for yourself how he will respond in tough times, financial difficulties, birth of children, etc. How will he handle the stresses life will throw at both of you?
I think you can well imagine how it is going to be. Staying for the long haul means preparing yourself now and developing a support system that you can rely on in the future. Chances are he won't be there for you. This is the side of himself shown to you and accepted by you -- for better or worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by norajane
You knowingly married a liar, a cheater, a manwhore. And he thought nothing of doing those things, and you, despite how you felt about it, accepted his behavior in order to marry him.
You can't expect him to change just because he signed a marriage license. Change requires a sincere desire and a lot of effort. You can expect him to do exactly as he is doing - disregarding your feelings for his own pleasure - because that's what he's always done.
Asking him to leave the part was reasonable. Expecting him to take your feelings into account and doing the honorable thing is foolish - he's never taken the high road before, and it's not likely he's going to start now.
I don't think not talking to him will do much, to be honest. He may eventually say what you want him to say, but it won't change who he is on the inside and how he believes he should behave.
Well spoken Nora.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alibi
I agree with you and understand what your saying however, I cant control the way I feel. I dont know why I feel insecure with this but I do. I dont know how to fix it. Ive tried. Also, In the beginning I made it very clear that exclusive was exactly that. There was no mis-understanding. At that time he just didnt care. He was able to get away with it. He has stated that to me before when we've had conversations.
However long it takes, controlling the way you feel is the only part of this you can do. You can't control him, you can't make him stop, you can't make him care; only he can do that and he hasn't shown any willingness to do so.
Are You sure You really love each other?
Even if You do, You don't seem to share the same views on life. From what You're saying it might be near impossible to make it work.
If You had so many issues after just two years of relationship, think how it may look in the future.
I would seriously consider divorce.
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Would Anyone Else Feel This Way or Am I Being Unreasonable??
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