Hello everyone,

I have a GF who is from a foreign country. She is currently living with me and we are "testing the waters" to see if marriage is where things are headed. One very small issue has come up and I want to know if I should be upset.

She likes to log into a bulletin board that is dedicated to women from her country who have married Americans. She told me she reads it to learn things like recipes, about our banking system, cleaning products, etc. However, several times I have sat with her and asked her she was reading and 99% of the messages she reads is about how terrible deciding to marry and American was. Every message is about how this husband is a drug addict and this husband is a wife beater and this husband is an alcoholic and this husband didn't pay taxes for 20 years.

I mentioned to her that it made me very uncomfortable that she spent so much time reading all of these horror stories. In my mind it puts too many doubts in her head since the site only seems to focus on these horror stories. She said that she knows I am not like any of these guys and she just enjoys reading the site.

The day after I mentioned it made me feel uncomfortable she was back reading the site again. This time I confronted her and told her I really did not like her reading all of these terrible stories about marriages to Americans. I asked her "if you know it makes me feel uncomfortable when you read this site and you know I don't want you to read these aweful stories, why do you continue reading them?" Her answer was "it's my favorite site and I know you are different".

I told her I didn't care if she read the site to get information about how American banks work or the differences between America and her country, but I didn't want her reading all of these depressing stories about marriages falling apart - it just seems to set the wrong tone for our relationship from the start.

Am I being overly sensitive or is she being insensitive?

Is there a compromise anyone can think of?

[velvet]

Hello everyone, I have a GF who is from a foreign country. She is currently living with me and we are "testing the waters" to see if marriage is where things are headed. One very small issue has come up and I want to know if I should be upset. She likes to log into a bulletin board that is dedicated to women from her country who have married Americans. She told me she reads it to learn things like recipes, about our banking system, cleaning products, etc. However, several times I have sat with her and asked her she was reading and 99% of the messages she reads is about how terrible deciding to marry and American was. Every message is about how this husband is a drug addict and this husband is a wife beater and this husband is an alcoholic and this husband didn't pay taxes for 20 years. I mentioned to her that it made me very uncomfortable that she spent so much time reading all of these horror stories. In my mind it puts too many doubts in her head since the site only seems to focus on these horror stories. She said that she knows I am not like any of these guys and she just enjoys reading the site. The day after I mentioned it made me feel uncomfortable she was back reading the site again. This time I confronted her and told her I really did not like her reading all of these terrible stories about marriages to Americans. I asked her "if you know it makes me feel uncomfortable

The first time I logged onto the internet. I stepped into a chat site. Well, afterwards I had to tell my man how excited I was. And well, a week later he had sold my computer in fear I would meet someone on the internet. Well here it is four years later. I have yet to meet anyone from the internet. Let her do it. She's intersted! Period.

Next time tell her you would rather her ask you the questions rather than the forum she's looking into.

My quess is that she doesnt want to mary you.. and is propably looking for excuses to end the relationship...

then again she might be in it for a greencard or something.

On an other note try to discuss and convey your feelings to her as you have done so far... try asking her if she cares at all how you feel and ask her how might it affect her if you started to read up on materials that might make her feel the same way.

Yes you should be upset your "mate" is uncaring of your emotions.

good luck

Hello everyone, I have a GF who is from a foreign country. She is currently living with me and we are "testing the waters" to see if marriage is where things are headed. One very small issue has come up and I want to know if I should be upset. She likes to log into a bulletin board that is dedicated to women from her country who have married Americans. She told me she reads it to learn things like recipes, about our banking system, cleaning products, etc. However, several times I have sat with her and asked her she was reading and 99% of the messages she reads is about how terrible deciding to marry and American was. Every message is about how this husband is a drug addict and this husband is a wife beater and this husband is an alcoholic and this husband didn't pay taxes for 20 years. I mentioned to her that it made me very uncomfortable that she spent so much time reading all of these horror stories. In my mind it puts too many doubts in her head since the site only seems to focus on these horror stories. She said that she knows I am not like any of these guys and she just enjoys reading the site. The day after I mentioned it made me feel uncomfortable she was back reading the site again. This time I confronted her and told her I really did not like her reading all of these terrible stories about marriages to Americans. I asked her "if you know it makes me feel uncomfortable when you read this site and you know I don't want you to read these aweful stories, why do you continue reading them?" Her answer was "it's my favorite site and I know you are different".

I told her I didn't care if she read the site to get information about how American banks work or the differences between America and her country, but I didn't want her reading all of these depressing stories about marriages falling apart - it just seems to set the wrong tone for our relationship from the start. Am I being overly sensitive or is she being insensitive? Is there a compromise anyone can think of?

On an other note try to discuss and convey your feelings to her as you have done so far... try asking her if she cares at all how you feel and ask her how might it affect her if you started to read up on materials that might make her feel the same way.

This is exactly what I did initially. Just now I talked to her about both of your responses. Her reply was "if you posted the same question to MY bbs you would get the exact opposite response - they would say you are being too sensitive and that this is just a cultural difference."

I told her it didn't matter if it was cultural or not - the point is it makes me uncomfortable that she reads these kinds of messages. I then said to her "you can do anything you want - I just want you to understand how I feel about it" and her response was "then I really CAN'T do anything I want because I hurt your feelings when I do."

Am I wrong or does this raise the warning flags for the rest of you?

[Tony T]

If you aren't like these people she reads about and you have a good level of self esteem, you shouldn't mind if she knocks herself out. It's cheaper than her buying the National Enquirer and paying to see just how screwed up some Americans are.

Women all over the world may be programmed to enjoy this soap opera kind of stuff.

I certainly understand why you don't want her reading this stuff and it would make me a bit uncomfortable too. It's just garbage gossip and it's authenticity can be questioned just like everything else on the Internet. They could even be fiction written by people who are bored. But you are living in a country where FREEDOM of speech and expression is a hallmark of our existence. To try to censor materials she is exposed to is UnAmerican and counter to everything we believe in.

If you are going to truly show her that you are different from those people she reads about on that message board, give her the freedom that she requires and expects from her presence in the most free country on the globe.

You may as well understand that sooner or later she will find out what some buttholes are like outside the message board through talking to friends, associates, etc. Unfortunatley, it may very well be true that many American men who are irresponsible, owe taxes, have police records, beat their women, etc., seek out foreign women for their naivete. However, they underestimate the intelligence of foreign women and their ability to quickly assess them and this country.

Be happy your lady is able to read this board. She will appreciate you a lot more as a result...unless, of course, you are hiding something from her.

God Bless America!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Am I wrong or does this raise the warning flags for the rest of you?"

You are not right or wrong...this is just how you feel. But the warning flags it raises are not about her, they're about you. To her, your attitude puts her on notice that you have some controlling tendencies that could mushroom later as she gets to know you better.

Stay out of her face and let her experience the freedoms we have grown to take for granted. You simply can't have your hands on every move she makes. If things work out, great. if they don't, that's the way it was meant to be.

But if you try to control her unduly, she will surely depart.

Of course, if she tells you she wants to see other men, starts looking a naked pictures of men on the Internet or wants to go dance at a strip club, you would have definite grounds to put your foot down. But even then, if she wanted to do those things in spite of your feelings your only recourse would be to leave her.

[sparkle]

I think this BBS will kick her BBS's butt any day...