Things with my ex have gone from good to bad. It was an amicable spilt with a hope for friendship, which has been going well for the past couple months until he's disappeared without explanation. I'm tired of doing all the work. It hurts, but whatever -- it's his loss and if he doesn't want to put in the effort, then so be it.
The problem is though emotional and mentally I am moving on, I STILL THINK HE IS SO HOT. I feel like I'm never going to find another guy so gorgeous.
Things with my ex have gone from good to bad. It was an amicable spilt with a hope for friendship, which has been going well for the past couple months until he's disappeared without explanation. I'm tired of doing all the work. It hurts, but whatever -- it's his loss and if he doesn't want to put in the effort, then so be it.
The problem is though emotional and mentally I am moving on, I STILL THINK HE IS SO HOT. I feel like I'm never going to find another guy so gorgeous.
When does this stop? Does it ever??
ugh.
It's the pedestal thing. You have him on the pedestal. You're only allowing yourself to think of the good things about him, not the bad, or the bad habits. You're idealizing him as a way of not letting go fully.
You know the sad thing is if you wanted to you probably wouldn't. But your mind + time, thouse thoughts fade away, you forget. and in essence thats moving on. Forgetting.
Part of emotional detachment is objectively seeing someone is physically attractive, but not attractive to you, even to the extent of openly complimenting them on such. You'll note I often do this here regarding my wife. There's a world full of physically beautiful (hot) people from whom I derive no physical attraction and part of letting go is having a SO join that group.
I agree, it's the "pedestal" thing. For me, familiarity will be the last thing to go, but the physical thing was pretty far down the road to indifference.
Perhaps, given what I remember of your circumstances, you got stuck in the physical part, not having the time to really get to know him, so your image of him is a combination of physical and sexual attraction, simply because there is little other emotional/spiritual/intellectual context.
In some ways, this "pedestal" phenomenon is what kept my connection and desire for my friend strong for so many years. We knew each other, but not deeply in the everyday sense, and my sexual attraction was strong, so it remained with me, so much so that, upon meeting her again after many years and her changing a great deal physically, I still had a strong sexual attraction to her, even though I likely wouldn't have given her a second glance on the street if we had never known each other. Fascinating stuff
The cure IMO is to just quietly take in the world of people around you, especially those who go out of their way to engage you and show interest. This man's "hotness" will fade, as it is merely a construct within your mind. Free your mind
It's the pedestal thing. You have him on the pedestal. You're only allowing yourself to think of the good things about him, not the bad, or the bad habits. You're idealizing him as a way of not letting go fully.
Are you out meeting/dating others?
A pedastal. I guess he is still partly up on that. I should go make a list of all the bad things about him to remind myself....
I'm trying to meet/date other people. But, you know, it's difficult! Especially, when he's so cute.
He doesnt need to be all up under you. He probably has a life and wants to live it. He disappears for a time because it's his life he isnt attached and he doesnt need to answer to anyone for it. He's not in a committed relationship. what he does should be none of your business.
That's why I prefer not to be friends with any of my exes. because they are too nosy and still catch feelings when i chill with a new female. Friends with ex make no sense to me. If you guys still got feelings for one another why be apart, why not be together. It is torture for a man to have deep feelings for a girl but he cant be with her on account she cant make up her damn mind.
PG, IMO it's counterproductive to "make a list of the bad things".....it just takes up more of your brain time being focussed on him. Rather, tell yourself that no one belongs on such a pedestal, not even you, and that we are all human and flawed. You each embraced the others totality and for whatever reason it didn't work out. He is normal. You are normal. Life goes on
Ugh! One of my biggest issues in life is "letting go." I've been reading a lot of Buddhist literature, because its idea "attachment" is all about this and how it is bad for the soul. I get it. Believe me I do. But, then there is this part of me who only wants to see the good in people and wants to believe in perfection, which, logically, I know doesn't exist.
The connection I had with this guy was everything BUT emotional. We mentally clicked, our humors clicked, we were very physically attracted to each other. But, emotionally, we're completely two different beasts (me: super-sensitive; him: emotionally distant) which is why I wasn't really heartbroken over the breakup.
I guess I feel like this is the REAL breakup. The one where we aren't friends anymore. And this hurts. We clicked so amazingly from the first minute we met as people who just GOT ALONG. We're two very particular personalities and the fact that we could talk for hours was unusual for both of us, even our friends loved each other. So, in short, I am mourning the loss of a person right now, not a lover.
Though, yes, I still think he is hot, but it's partly because I think he's so freaking smart and funny -- the things that attracted me to him in the first place. (OK, and he is tall, blonde, blue-eyed and athletic architect doesn't help matters.)
I need to learn how to let go and be ok with people coming and going from my life, but it's really the most painful thing for me to do.
Last edited by pandagirl; 23rd July 2008 at 9:29 AM.
I need to learn how to let go and be ok with people coming and going from my life, but it's really the most painful thing for me to do.
Yes, it's a function of your emotional sensitivity. My best advice is to learn to use this as a strength. Know that you're special and are fortunate that you can love deeply and become emotionally attached to another person in an elemental way. It's a gift that not all people have. Losing people, whether through life change or death, is part of being human. There is always loss. Let it hurt. Again, remember it's your strength.
Yes, it's a function of your emotional sensitivity. My best advice is to learn to use this as a strength. Know that you're special and are fortunate that you can love deeply and become emotionally attached to another person in an elemental way. It's a gift that not all people have. Losing people, whether through life change or death, is part of being human. There is always loss. Let it hurt. Again, remember it's your strength.
Aw, this kind of made me tear up. SEE HOW SENSITIVE I AM??? haha.
I know there will always be loss, but in a way, what is more frustrating is dealing with people who don't care or not able to see my point of view. All my friends tell me what a big heart I have and what a good person I am, but sometimes I just get tired of caring so much, because it causes me pain. Sometimes I feel burdened. I understand I have to learn to cope with these feelings better though.
The problem is though emotional and mentally I am moving on, I STILL THINK HE IS SO HOT. I feel like I'm never going to find another guy so gorgeous.
I struggle with this. I'm not a shallow person, but I somehow got really hooked on my ex because he is so good looking. Our sexual chemistry was off the charts and I really think it blinded me to his character. To be honest, if he weren't as good looking as he is, our relationship would never have gotten off the ground. And now I am left with similar thoughts of - what if I am never as attracted to anyone else again?
But then I have to remind myself that I've been in love four times and each time I was always physically attracted to the guy.
And I try to remind myself that a pretty package can't compensate for an ugly--or empty--core.
God not long! We dated intensely for about 1.5 months, and it's been almost 3 months since we've been friends. You know, when he broke up with me, if you guys remember, I wasn't very upset. I didn't cry or lose any sleep. I think it's because I knew he'd still be in my life and be friends that I was like: oh well!
I mean, I know give me a month, and I'll probably be fine. I realize this is not about him, but about me and my inability to "let go." I'm not sure what this says about me.
I have a similar problem with my ex. She too me is the most beautiful creature on the planet and i can't see myself ever finding anyone attractive again.. And the sex!!
I mean, I know give me a month, and I'll probably be fine. I realize this is not about him, but about me and my inability to "let go." I'm not sure what this says about me.
It says that you are human PG..
Sometimes the intensity of quick relationships can make letting go harder..
It seems you might have been invested in him quite a bit more than you realized.
I think you need a very clean break to exorcise him from you brain.
Please stop contacting him and stop trying to hold together a friendship.. it won't work and will only prolong your pain...maybe you can do the friendship thing later on but not until your feelings are in check...
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