I joined this sight because I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends/family about my dilemma. I hope that I can get some advice or at least a reality check here So here it goes...
My husband of 10 years has been caught 5 times during the course of our marriage on single's sites. About 6 years ago I found a profile on Cupid.com without a picture but very real information about him and our life. I confronted him about it an he claimed that he was hacking a program that required him (for authentification purposes) to go to this site. Yeah, I was a big dummy, (although I never fully believed his story) and we went along our merry way. Since then, I occasionally check his cookies and more often than not, I find that he has visited a multitude of porn sites. When I confront him, he a accuses me of being psycho and paranoid, (wouldn't you be?) Then he gives me 1000 reasons why these sites were in his history, (pop-ups mainly.) So today I tried to track down a profile for him...and found one on Adulxxxxxxxer.com. It stated, "looking for rendez-vous with mysterious woman" however I couldn't read the rest. I obviously have no way of viewing the rest of the info. without paying for a subscription.
Any thoughts, advice? We have a daughter and aside from this dilemma, have a pretty poor relationship. He works all of the time and never participates in outings or family affairs. And when he is home, he is always on his computer (hmm, red flag?)
All of the signs are there, and I know what I have to do but I'm really scared. I would really like to have solid evidence that he is in fact cheating before I move forward.
Please help!!!
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd July 2008 at 1:27 AM..
May I ask why it is you're staying? For your daughters sake?
Its been 5 different times and he is still on these sites even after you questioned him about it? He is going to keep doing this, because he has no reason not too. By you staying you're allowing him to continue with this kind of behavior.
How much have you really put your foot down about the issue? Does he really know or care that he might have a wife and daughter to lose over all these issues? Have you suggested marriage counseling for you both? Do you feel he would go? He has disrespected you and the marriage as whole by continuing to do this, don't allow it any longer. Figure out what you truly want to do.
__________________ "If you're tired of beating that same dead horse....then just stop!"
Its unacceptable behavior and I have to wonder why it is, there have been 5 times this has gone on. Its kind of like you're turning the other cheek even though you know what he is doing, because to me, some kind of action should have been taken earlier on. Either by seeking out help, or getting out of the marriage.
__________________
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Thats a good question. Yes, mainly for our daughter. And yes, I've suggested counseling MANY times. And he refuses. I guess I'm not putting my foot down because he makes me feel like I am the one being unreasonable. And I have problems with jealously...I feel a little brainwashed.
And it doesn't help that I can't talk to anyone...I think a wake up call is in order! Thanks so much for your advice...I am slowly feeling a little empowerment.
Thats a good question. Yes, mainly for our daughter. And yes, I've suggested counseling MANY times. And he refuses. I guess I'm not putting my foot down because he makes me feel like I am the one being unreasonable. And I have problems with jealously...I feel a little brainwashed.
And it doesn't help that I can't talk to anyone...I think a wake up call is in order! Thanks so much for your advice...I am slowly feeling a little empowerment.
Of course he is going to make you feel like you're being unreasonable, he is doing something he shouldn't, so he is trying to justify it by making you feel bad or making you question how you feel about it.
If he refuses to go to counseling you still could go. You need someone to help guide you in a better direction on what you should do. Never stay for the sake of a child, it does far more damage in the long run, than if you do stay. Kids know when their parents aren't happy, and it just can teach them that a relationship is supposed to be like that. I would think you would want better for your daughter. Good luck and feel free to continue to post here.
mojo, I am getting the picture that you really need to be absolutely disgusted by him in order to leave. If you do go on those sites and bait him as another woman you will forever change your view of him and finally have a clearer picture of who he is. It is simply amazing to me that he was willing to leave his profile up after you caught him, he is bad news.
I've thought of doing this. And you are absolutely right- If it was all in front of me, in B&W, I would surely leave. On another note, is it possible to retrieve chat files on ichat?
I don't think you have to pay for that site just to chat to others. You may have to for special privlages for things maybe, but not just to chat. Do you know his user name? If so, you could do like someone esle suggested and create you a user name and go in and chat to him and get alot more info that way about what he will or wont do, or what he is into etc.
However, I would think that the fact this has been on going even after he knew you knew should be enough for you to see things aren't good, and his intentions are not focused on your marriage.
__________________ "When things get you down, make the best of your own life rather than worrying about what everyone else thinks!" ~Dita Von Teese~
With the Adulxxxxxxxxder site, you are required to join to access any profile or contact info. I guess I'll be joining. Another interesting tidbit...he never lets me see his banking activity, (another long story.) So for all I know, he pays for numerous subscriptions. No one likes to admit they're weak, but if the shoes fits, I'll wear it! I think I'm afraid of being 32 and alone so I put up with behavior that I know is unacceptable.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd July 2008 at 1:28 AM..
With the Adultfriendfinder site, you are required to join to access any profile or contact info. I guess I'll be joining. Another interesting tidbit...he never lets me see his banking activity, (another long story.) So for all I know, he pays for numerous subscriptions. No one likes to admit they're weak, but if the shoes fits, I'll wear it! I think I'm afraid of being 32 and alone so I put up with behavior that I know is unacceptable.
You don't have access to the banking activity either? You're married you have rights to that, and any good lawyer will tell you that too. Dating sites and, not letting you see the bank activity, huge red flags! Since he is not sharing the bank busines swith you, it might not just be subscriptions to these places he is paying for either.
Please don't stay for fear of being alone. By staying and putting up with that behavior you are saying to yourself you have no self respect and would rather be used like a doormat than getting out of it. Think more of yourself and child. Please keep us up to date on things.
With the Adultfriendfinder site, you are required to join to access any profile or contact info. I guess I'll be joining. Another interesting tidbit...he never lets me see his banking activity, (another long story.) So for all I know, he pays for numerous subscriptions. No one likes to admit they're weak, but if the shoes fits, I'll wear it! I think I'm afraid of being 32 and alone so I put up with behavior that I know is unacceptable.
How is he keeping the banking info away from you? Go to the bank and request it. I am sure there is a way for you to get hold of the banking records.
We have separate checking accounts because he is horrible at managing money. After about 2 or 3 overdrafts from our account I decided to create my own checking account. He gives me a check for the bills every month, and I pay them. Wow, I have been blind for the past 10 years! It's pretty embarrassing!
With the Adultfriendfinder site, you are required to join to access any profile or contact info. I guess I'll be joining.
Why would you join? You don't just have the smoking gun already, you have the bullets, the shells and the ballistic's test !!! This search for further proof is just stalling on your part to avoid dealing with the truth. See a lawyer tomorrow, find out what your rights are and get going before you're dealing with STD's or other like issues...
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
So here it goes...
!!! This search for further proof is just stalling on your part to avoid dealing with the truth. See a lawyer tomorrow, find out what your rights are and get going before you're dealing with STD's or other like issues...
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