im totally confused. one day i think, yea i could marry this girl, and the next day i just want to break up with her. actually those thoughts happen within hours of eachother, probably have been happening for a year or two, in a now 4.5 year relationship. We are both recently out of college and living togeather. we both work full time.
I love this girl, and i am getting a lot of pressure to marry her (pressure from her), but i feel like if we get married it will surly end in divorce. I think this way because at this point from living with her for about a year now, it really hasn't been all that great, not bad really, but not all that great. if things have gotten boring now, how can they possibly get better after getting married. I'm 24 and feel like i'm not ready for marriage anyway. I also feel like I cannot break up with her, seems like such a waist after 4+ years. btw this is my only girlfriend and i am also feeling like i need to get out more and experience more.
any body else been here, done that? what's the best thing to do.
I honestly would have to say, "Follow your own heart."
To get married because that feels like the logical "next step" isn't the way to go. Nor is it wise to get married just to "validate" the past 4+ years.
Yes, it is going to be difficult and challenging and traumatizing to end your long-term relationship. Increase that a thousandfold, for some idea of how it will be if you get married under such a cloud of not wanting to get married at all.
You seem to have clearly heard what your heart is saying about what you want to do...and must do for yourself. It is not "selfish", it is life-preserving to listen to and follow your heart.
Best of luck. It is a difficult position to be in. The inner conflict seems to be coming more from not wanting to do what you know you must, rather than not knowing what you must do.
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"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol
Sounds to me like you've already answered your own questions by that post. Definitely don't marry this girl...not at this point! You'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. You'll have to decide if you still want to be with her but definitely no marriage right now. You'll need to discuss things with her. Tell her she needs to back off on the pressure (in a nice way of course).
Sounds to me like you've already answered your own questions by that post. Definitely don't marry this girl...not at this point! You'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. You'll have to decide if you still want to be with her but definitely no marriage right now. You'll need to discuss things with her. Tell her she needs to back off on the pressure (in a nice way of course).
To go along with this, have you tried talking to her about all these things? Communication is VERY important in a relationship and if you are having issues why not lay them out on the table?
It's possible that she will hurt by what you are telling her, but telling her in a way that is constructive and understanding, might help motivate her to work harder to make the relationship work out.
The most important thing though is: Do you WANT this relationship to work out? Are you willing to work through problems and issues that come up? If you feel that the two of you aren't compatible then it's possible that a marriage may end up in divorce. If you are having problems COMMUNICATING (telling her in a constructive way your concerns that will benefit the relationship) then you have a much better chance of working things out.
Like I said, it's a question of whether you WANT to try to work things out.
im totally confused. one day i think, yea i could marry this girl, and the next day i just want to break up with her. actually those thoughts happen within hours of eachother, probably have been happening for a year or two, in a now 4.5 year relationship. We are both recently out of college and living togeather. we both work full time.
I love this girl, and i am getting a lot of pressure to marry her (pressure from her), but i feel like if we get married it will surly end in divorce. I think this way because at this point from living with her for about a year now, it really hasn't been all that great, not bad really, but not all that great. if things have gotten boring now, how can they possibly get better after getting married. I'm 24 and feel like i'm not ready for marriage anyway. I also feel like I cannot break up with her, seems like such a waist after 4+ years. btw this is my only girlfriend and i am also feeling like i need to get out more and experience more.
any body else been here, done that? what's the best thing to do.
If you're already bored after only living together for a year, get the hell out!!
I would have to agree with the general opinion of all previous relies and say that getting married is not going to spice anything up, make anything worthwhile, or get rid of your doubt. I would say that if you break up, those past 4 years would become your experience, and only serve as a learning experience for the next relationship. Follow your gut, and find your own way through life. Breaking up will be rough, but it won't last forever. Like ripping off a band aid.
Getting married will certainly not help anything. You clearly have run out of gas with this relationship and now you stay because it's familiar and comfortable. Cut and run now. It's only fair to you both that you do it now before it becomes 5 years, then 6 years, then 7 years and you wake up one day at 29 and think "dear God, I just completely wasted my 20s". Travel, move, do whatever, but DON'T get married.
Friendly PS - It's really hard to read posts that have no capitalization, punctuation or spelling checks. Text messaging and IMing will be the death of proper English! You're a smart college grad - you can do better than that! =)
I remember a discussion with my ex husband approximately 20 years ago that we could either break up or get married. We married, and now we're divorcing. I've had one of my feet out the door the whole time and so has he. Not a good situation.
When it's right, you'll know it. Don't consider 4 years a waste, consider it time well invested in getting to know a good friend. Try to remain friends if you can, and get on with your life. Who knows, you may still face her at the altar one day.
If you're already bored after only living together for a year, get the hell out!!
I totally agree!
Quote:
I also feel like I cannot break up with her, seems like such a waist after 4+ years.
I thought that way at your age. But imagine looking back on 20 years of a dull boring marriage & thinking what a waste. 4+ years of a girlfriend is nothing compared to that!
If you feel this way now, you're going to be miserable a few years after you marry her. If I were you, I'd break off the relationship. When you want to marry someone, that person is the one you can't see yourself without. She's obviously looking for marriage, and from what you've written you don't think she's "the one." You should let her have the chance to find someone who does want to marry her.
Don't marry her to validate the years you've spent together. You'll just waste more years of your life.
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