Been with OM for 11 months. We are both married with children. He's married 26 yrs, I'm married 14.
Since the beginning of our relationship, I knew it was wrong and wanted out but 'fell in love' . We talked about leavign our spouses but because of our kids, decided it just wasn't the time.
Meanwhile, every day I would tell myself I was going to end it but held on another day because I enjoyed his company, the romance, the loving feeling, the attention. It was never a sex thing for either of us. Yes, we had it but not often and to me, it was average.
I broke up with him on a monthly basis (right before my period) and we'd always get back together. I'm sure you've heard this all before.
Bottom line, 11 months later and I'm pretty much done with it. I've told him, I'm tired of the cheating, lying, sneaking, disrespecting our spouses, being selfish, and all of that. What I didn't tell him was that, honestly, if I had to choose between him and my husband, I wouldn't choose him for many reasons.
Told him we should go no contact for 6 weeks so I could 'get over him' but at the end, it didn't happen. I always find myself back in his arms which surprises me since I don't have that loving feeling for him anymore. I look at him and I don't get the butterflies, I don't see him as that hot, sexy man I used to. I see him as a dear friend, someone I'm close to because of our experience.
Finally, I told him we should 'just be friends' and he was totally fine with it. He said he'd rather have me as a friend and in his life where he could see me and talk to me than nothing at all.
My question to you is, why would he want to 'just be friends'? Is it because being with me has been a habit? Is it because he's getting his emotional needs met from me and so the physical part doesn't matter to him? I don't know but would like some insight.
Also, how do I finally end it? I know that us even 'being friends' is not right and still cheating. I just want to do the right thing.
Its pretty obvious how to end it - say 'its over' and we cant be friends because we've had an A and we dont want to risk our marriages. Thats kinda obvious and you know that!
What you're really saying is, I'd like to do the right thing, but I don't really WANT to
He's probably ok with the friend thing because he values your friendship more than anything else and doesn't want to lose that. That would be my guess, anyway.
The way you end it is to tell him that you don't want to continue the affair anymore and that ending it means that all contact with him ends, too.
Because he knows that as long as you two are friends he stands a chance at hooking up with you in the future. Guys say it all the time but girls never get "he is not just a friend" is so true
My question to you is, why would he want to 'just be friends'? Is it because being with me has been a habit? Is it because he's getting his emotional needs met from me and so the physical part doesn't matter to him? I don't know but would like some insight.
He would probably welcome sex with you every opportunity he could get. Within the bounds of friendship, he can take a 'stab' at reigniting the sexual part of the relationship.
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Originally Posted by SnowWhite924
Also, how do I finally end it? I know that us even 'being friends' is not right and still cheating. I just want to do the right thing.
You will have to be clear and firm. Prior attempts to end the relationship were nothing more than an alert that menstruation was imminent.
The posters above me have given you specific suggestions for sending the message loud-and-clear.
1. My question to you is, why would he want to 'just be friends'? Is it because being with me has been a habit? Is it because he's getting his emotional needs met from me and so the physical part doesn't matter to him?
2. Also, how do I finally end it? I know that us even 'being friends' is not right and still cheating. I just want to do the right thing.
1. Because a little of something is better than a lot of nothing. He'll take what he can get. I guess it would be akin to a drowning man holding on to a piece of flotsam that keeps getting smaller and smaller - and eventually is just a tiny piece, but he knows if he lets go he will drown (ignoring the fact that he is treading water and doesn't really need to hold on). He doesn't want to let go, even if all you can offer is a tiny bit. I don't know that its a habit, so much as a 'want'. As for the physical, well - he can take care of that at home and probably sees that if given the choice of which to let go in terms of you: physical would be the easiest.
2. There is no quick or easy way to do it. It takes a quick kill: telling him that you and he cannot be together even as friends, and letting him know that 'goodbye' is permanent. Then, ask for NC. He will not be happy, and depending on his character may become vindictive.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
First, I'd like to say thank you to all of you who have responded to me. This is the first time I've shared my 'secret' with anyone. It's very comforting to have support.
I know, you are all right when you say how to end it. I knew that but when you're in the situation, it's difficult. I'm sure you all know that too.
On one hand, I feel I can move on without him, and that's what I want. But on the other hand, when it comes down to it, I find it hard to do. Even though, I don't have those 'feelings' for him anymore, I still care about him.
I know what I need to do. It's pulling the trigger that's a challenge.
You just do it. Quit being a wimp. Get mean and nasty with him and tell him you never want to see the bastard again if you have to.
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I know that us even 'being friends' is not right and still cheating. I just want to do the right thing.
There are only 2 right things to do:
1) cut the OM out of your life COMPLETELY if you want to stay married
or
2) get a divorce if you don't want to cut him out of your life, because it is disrespectful to your husband, whether a BS knows or not, for you to stay in contact with the OM.
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I jussa lil bish
I can't bring myself to be 'nasty' with him. That's just not me. But you're right, I'm a wimp! I'm going to keep reading these posts over and over until I get what I need to do finally do it!! Thx.
You don't have to be nasty, you just tell him that it would be best for you that he isn't in your life anymore. It's better for you, your marriage, the kids.. NO good can come of him being in your life, it serves no purpose.
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