I am 38, married 15 years and have three children. Husband is addicted to online porn, and we have basically been roommates. I love him, care about him, he is a good father, but doesn't meet my sexual needs or my emotional needs. We have tried counseling without success, have been basically at an impasse for a few years, busy raising kids. We have been good "business partners" at the business of our marriage.
Then one day I woke up in what I call a "midlife crisis" and realized that this relationship was no longer acceptable to me. I spoke with him about my feelings and he indicated that he was happy with our relationship and didn't see the need for any change, his feelings for me had not changed, he still loved me, etc., although he did recognize that he had "issues".
I ended up seeking out physical companionship online, and met someone immediately who was also married with kids and we began a very intimate and physcial affair, both continually professing that's all we wanted. Of course, 15 weeks later, we are going strong and it has developed into an intense emotional connection as well. Have discussed divorce, but if he did, he wife and kids would move cross country and he can't stand to be away from kids that way, and I don't blame him.
So just looking for thoughts. We both are desperate to keep kids sane and happy, but don't know if staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids is always a good thing. Be selfish and go for what I want or suck it up to keep everyone else together?
I am so sorry you are in this situation.
The advice I can give is sadly one you will not want to hear.
This affair is wrong although i totally understand why it has happened.
The affair has to end and so does your marriage, that is if you no longer find your marriage acceptable and you no longer want to be in it.
I implore you not to hurt the children, however I will say if you cannot fix your marriage then you should leave, however this affair is not the way to do it.
Get some help for yourself and remain strong and be a good person and do the right thing no mattter how much it hurts.
You comminucated how you felt to your spouse. He said things were fine. Which they obviously weren't. You both tried counseling without sucess, can you say why it wasn't a sucess?
You chose to seek out someone else instead of getting out of your unhappy marriage. You said this OM tells you his kids would be moved across the country if he left, how does he know they would be? Did his wife tell him this? Is he just assuming they would be?
How about coming clean to your husband about what you have done. Do you think he would think things weren't fine then? Maybe he would see the seriousness of how bad things are?
__________________ "The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."
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Deal with the marriage first. You are trying to fix yourself by breaking something else, and that's just not a healthy way to live. Since the marriage is not making you happy as it is, then tell your husband exactly that. Don't mince words. Tell him you either want an open marriage or a divorce because you are neither happy nor sexually satisfied. But deal with the marriage issue first.
Your H goes online for porn - you go online to find a person to have an affair with (sorry, seeking physical companionship with) - which is more destructive to the M ?
At least your H wasn't dragging yet another family into the problem......
If your H is truly addicted, he must accept and deal with that issue before he will ever be able to move forward as a husband or a father.
This is up to him. If he is a true addict, he needs to come to that realization himself. Questions is, do you care or love him enough to help him through this? If you do, then there is light at the end of the tunnel.
__________________
We all make choices, it's called free will.
I am sorry you are in this situation, I can sympathize because I also had sexless M for quite some years. H was not addicted to porn, but seemingly to masturbation and fantasy.
I did the same as you, bucked up for a long time and then finally told him how I felt. He also told me that he was okay with things as they were.
Here is where our similarities end...I don't understand...he said he liked things the way they were and so you just said "ok then" and went looking for other companionship???
What I did was tell my H that this would either get fixed or we would get a divorce. That got his attention and things have changed, gradually to be sure, but clearly. Did you not really convey to your H just how serious this was?
You should have either divorced him first or informed him at the very least that you were vulnerable to an affair. But, that isn't what you want to know. You want to know what to do now.
Tell your husband. If you want to work on your marriage, end it with your OM. If you want to be with this other man, get a divorce, even if he is not planning to do the same.
Your H got away with neglecting your needs partly because you let him...I understand very well your frustration but an A was not the answer. You owe it to all involved to come clean and let the chips fall where they fall.
Two married people with kids finding each other online and only wanting to keep it secret for their own selfish considerations does not sound to me like a great foundation for the future.
Deal with the marriage first. You are trying to fix yourself by breaking something else, and that's just not a healthy way to live. Since the marriage is not making you happy as it is, then tell your husband exactly that. Don't mince words. Tell him you either want an open marriage or a divorce because you are neither happy nor sexually satisfied. But deal with the marriage issue first.
Best advice you've gotten so far. Do you realize that, in order to make yourself happy, you've made some innocent parties miserable ? Go NC with your MM and fix or end your marriage. Anything else is just as selfish and destructive as your husband's conduct has been...
Your H goes online for porn - you go online to find a person to have an affair with (sorry, seeking physical companionship with) - which is more destructive to the M ?
At least your H wasn't dragging yet another family into the problem......
Gotta agree!
Lady, this OM just wanted you to Ride him, he's never gonna leave his wife so you two can be together! Tell your husband the TRUTH!
If I were you I would come clean about the affair and start MC. Maybe a divorce if you can't fix your problems after all of this. But First you need to tell him how far this has gone and maybe he will understand that there has been a real problem. Maybe things will be better then ever after this shake up. I really doubt there is any future with this OM, so don't make any plans based on him.
If your H is truly addicted, he must accept and deal with that issue before he will ever be able to move forward as a husband or a father.
This is up to him. If he is a true addict, he needs to come to that realization himself. Questions is, do you care or love him enough to help him through this? If you do, then there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Herenow... are we forgetting something here? Hubby is spanking his monkey online.. He's "addicted" so wifey goes online and finds someone to bang... in the flesh.
One a bad habit, or if you prefer "addiction".. the other is infidelity! The playing field isn't a level one her. Ones a fool, the others a Ho.
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? Go NC with your MM and fix or end your marriage. Anything else is just as selfish and destructive as your husband's conduct has been...
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