[sugarlump]

I split from my ex, who I had been dating for 8 years, a few months back. I immediately started seeing another guy - who had been in the background of my last relationship for a while, however nothing happened till after the split.

I've now split from this new guy. It just wasn't working out, on either side really.

The new guy gave me the confidence to leave my faultering relationship with my ex. He flattered me and I suppose gave me hope that there was a possibility of life after my ex.

Now that we've split, I'm feeling the pain from my last breakup, as I don't think I ever really grieved for this, plus the rejection from this one.

It hurts so bad. I'm truly struggling to cope.

Now I find myself questioning whether I made the right decision to make the split from my ex. We had a lot of issues, but what I had with him was a solid love and friendship that I could rely on above all else. I can't believe I jeopardised that for what was basically a 'grass is greener' scenario.

My ex has demanded, since our split, that to remain friends with him, on any level, I must stop seeing the new guy. I was reluctant to do so, partly because I don't like ultimatums and partly because I thought this new guy could offer me a future - I was reticent to give that up so easily, without giving it a proper shot.

Now that new guy and I have split, I so desperately want to go back to ex and salvage any friendship that may remain. However, I'm not sure if I'm being selfish in this action.

Logically I don't think we could get back together, too much has happened - and I doubt he could ever forgive me for what I've done. Plus, our big issues still remain.

I just miss his friendship and support so much. I miss him and need him in my life, even if it is just as a friend.

Could do with some words of wisdom...

[justaman99]

For one I think you need to be alone for awhile. Going from an 8 year relationship straight into a grass is greener scenario tells me that you can't just be by yourself. Have you always been in a relationship even before the 8 year? Have you ever tried to be alone?

My thinking now is that you are lonely. That is why you are looking to your ex for that support and love that he always had but you can't look him up right now. There is a VERY good chance you will find comfort in what's familiar and may push things with him again. And if I was him I would be very reluctant to give you another chance. 8 years and you started dating a new guy right away? What does that say about yourself? If you loved him this wouldn't have been possible. You mention you're questioning the break up so that part of your mind is moving in the direction of perhaps reconciliation. But it may also really be loneliness and hopelessness that you feel now that the other relationship didn't work and yes you are being extremely selfish.

Learn to be able to be alone. Try not to look for your ex to fill that void you have. It isn't fair to him and you probably hurt him especially if he knows you jumped into something else so fast. As you said, you never gave yourself time to grieve what you really lost. Don't think with your heart and your emotions right now. Try and think with your brain. Then after you have dealt with all this see where you're at.

And hey, things may have been bad on some level but 8 years is a long time. Nothing is perfect and he may forgive you who knows. Personally I wouldn't. Not after 8 years together but everyone's different.

What were these "big issues"?

I would normally be very upset at what you did and would usually express that in a response here. I was upset at my ex for dating a new guy within a week after we broke up and we only dated for 6 months or so. But for some reason I get the feeling that you just made a mistake, maybe not for breaking up with your ex, but not taking time for yourself.

-Just

[sugarlump]

Originally Posted by justaman99

Have you always been in a relationship even before the 8 year? Have you ever tried to be alone?

The 8 year was my first proper relationship. We met when I was 23-24. Never really dated before that.

But yeah, it's been a long time since I was single. The thought terrifies me at the moment. I kinda hope it would have gone better with the new guy than it did, but I only have myself to blame for that.

Originally Posted by justaman99

And hey, things may have been bad on some level but 8 years is a long time. Nothing is perfect and he may forgive you who knows. Personally I wouldn't. Not after 8 years together but everyone's different. What were these "big issues"?

We come from completely different religions and cultures.

His parent's never knew about me and it was clear they would never approve. Our relationship was part time, with him going back and forward to his family. After 8 years I needed more, I asked to progress the relationship (not to marriage, just to moving in together full time) but he couldn't and I became completely disillusioned in our future.

The new guy started to show interest, he seemed a lot like my ex. And I suppose I projected my feelings for my ex on to him. He appeared to be an uncomplicated version where a future was possible, and that's what I needed. Turns out, he's just as messed up, if not more so, than my ex.

I know I've hurt my ex badly. He's a wonderful person who is caught between two worlds. I don't blame him for his lack of commitment, I know how hard it must be for him. But at the same time if he can't make these difficult choices after all this time, I don't think he ever will.

I do think he could come to forgive me. But I don't think I could go back to where we were. It may seem selfish, but I do deserve more.

I just don't want to lose what we had, 8 years is a long time to just throw away completely. Even when I was seeing the new guy, I fought hard to maintain a friendship with the ex; to which he applied the conditions of him or the new guy.

[justaman99]

Originally Posted by sugarlump

We come from completely different religions and cultures.

His parent's never knew about me and it was clear they would never approve. Our relationship was part time, with him going back and forward to his family. After 8 years I needed more, I asked to progress the relationship (not to marriage, just to moving in together full time) but he couldn't and I became completely disillusioned in our future.

Religious and cultural differences are tough and legitimate for a break up in this case. If after 8 years he can't make the decision to pursue something more meaningful and allow his parents and his religious and cultural beliefs to block the progression then it was time to end it. I can see why it became a crossroads for you. Actually, it should have ended many years ago in my little opinion. I'm surprised you let it go for 8 years without ever knowing his parents or him continuing to hide you in the closet.

If he can't get over these differences and the love isn't there to conquer, as some say here, then it's best to move on and find that something better.

-Just

[sugarlump]

Originally Posted by justaman99

Actually, it should have ended many years ago in my little opinion. I'm surprised you let it go for 8 years without ever knowing his parents or him continuing to hide you in the closet.

You're right, I should have ended it a good few years ago. But I was so in love with him and I know he loved me too. He seemed to be coming round to the idea of building a future, I just kept thinking he need a little more time...

I threatened to leave before, unfortunately I was never strong enough to follow through. If nothing else the new guy provided me with the clarity and confidence to make that decision. I just regret that it had to get this messy.

Originally Posted by justaman99

If he can't get over these differences and the love isn't there to conquer, as some say here, then it's best to move on and find that something better.

I do need to move on. I'm not willing to wait around any longer for my ex, altho' I suspect if he made the decision to be with me full time I'd jump at the chance (new guy or no new guy).

I guess I'm just questioning whether I try and fight for the friendship. I fear whilst going NC may give me time to grieve and get over him, it will ruin any change of being friends further down the line.

For some reason his friendship is so important for me.