You can see my earlier post for background but basically I am trying to deal with the end of an affair. I want to make my marriage work but I need to deal with my feelings for the OM.
Four weeks ago, I said I could not leave my husband so we stopped seeing each other. But we work together and right up until the point when I said I would leave my husband to be with him, he was encouraging me to do that eg sending me texts saying he wanted to spend his life with me, telling me he loved me. He then tells me has subsequently met someone else and that he loves her. In hindsight, I realised he used exactly the same words as me in telling me he could not give me what I wanted. Though in the time all this was coming out, he told me that he had only that week opted not to do something as it would mean he would not be able to see me as much and he kissed me.
Trying to get through work this week has been terrible. He refuses to talk about us though will be quite pleasant if talking work or anything else. He knows I still love him and yesterday he was obviously happy to see me and told me I looked lovely when we were alone. Yet when I responded, he told me I was making him uncomfortable at work. His behaviour at times has almost been as if he is the one who has been hurt this week, not me.
Why does he encourage me to leave to be with him and then say he can't do it? How can he love someone else so quickly? Only 3/4 days earlier he was telling me he loved me and that was when he and I were not seeing each other. Why does he say/do things which even now indicate that he still loves me? And then get upset when I reciprocate. I even suspect that this new woman is also married.
How do I get over this? What is he trying to do?
Last edited by anne1707; 18th July 2008 at 3:20 AM..
1st... You got played. Learn to recognize it! OM never loved or cared that much about you. No long term plans... just short term booty. When you offered him a good way out... he took it.
Now... why stay married? Why would you settle for something? A better man will always be out there... so why waste your time trying to make this work?
Dont you mean that her husband deserves better? My best advice for him if he ever sees this and for all the men out there if you have a wife like this you be better off kicking her to the curb.
Anne you made this situation, you did this to yourself, I wish I could help you but I really dont condone affairs. You got played.
Bottom line. accept it and move on. Your husband is probably a cool guy and your gonna be all alone & used up. and psycologically messed up.
I know it's not want you want to hear, but what you need to hear. If anything give your husband a divorce so he can be happier in a long run.
I dont think women like you in your mind frame are meant to be good wives.... sorry.
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This gun means you are the weak and I am the tyranny of evil men, but I'm trying, I'm trying real hard to be the sheppard...
I agree totally that my husband deserves better and I do want to make our marriage work. I want to move on from all this mess.
As for saying the OM did not care, I don't believe that. This affair started nearly three years ago, he has talked of marriage, I have met his children, and only a couple of months ago he gave me the key to his house saying I could turn up and move in whenever I wanted. Up until now, he has been very loving and caring.
I want to stop feeling the way I do about him but I have unanswered questions getting in the way. I am looking for another job as I know that will help in making my marriage work. In spite of what some of you may think, I love my husband very much but there are problems we need to sort out if we are to work and part of that includes me getting over the OM.
I agree totally that my husband deserves better and I do want to make our marriage work. I want to move on from all this mess.
As for saying the OM did not care, I don't believe that. This affair started nearly three years ago, he has talked of marriage, I have met his children, and only a couple of months ago he gave me the key to his house saying I could turn up and move in whenever I wanted. Up until now, he has been very loving and caring.
I want to stop feeling the way I do about him but I have unanswered questions getting in the way. I am looking for another job as I know that will help in making my marriage work. In spite of what some of you may think, I love my husband very much but there are problems we need to sort out if we are to work and part of that includes me getting over the OM.
The minute you stop beliving that drivel and start accepting that you was used just like most OM use their victims. And really what would have gained a man who cheats with married women who uses them? I mean what would you have really gained. He was a scumbag. Your still in that dreaded fog! you need to snap outta it. That sounds pretty disgusting giving one woman who's already married a key to his house, in front of his kids, then once that's over finds someone else to play with. I bet you anything the new OW has that key now and she's met his kids.
Trust me, he's not thinking about you. Guys like that usually dont.
He did not give me the key in front of his kids. He also does not like introducing somebody to them unless it is serious so I suspect that they have not met her yet.
As for him not having loved me, I don't agree with that. However his behaviour this last week at times has been unpleasant and then it will also be as if like old times.
I don't know whether he is actually over me, or is he just trying to hurt me or what. I also cannot figure out why if he wants a full relationship (something he clearly stated he wanted with me only 2 weeks ago), does he see someone else who I think may also be married.
OMG. I do not even know what to say about this. You obviously can care less about your husband. You deserve NOTHING. You obviuosly must of told OM that you wanted to work on your marriage and he says fine c'ya and you are hurt from this? Women like you DO NOT belong in a meaningfull relationship. Your husband deserves better but it is NOT you. I can't see any remorse from you about OM. The only thing you are concerned about is his new GF. If I was your husband and knew you were doing this, I would kick your arse to the curb. Even if you weren't "played", OM moved on after you wanted to make your marriage work which is what you SHOULD have done in the first place. What a mess. The only person's feeling that should matter now is your husbands. He probably doesn't even know about the OM.
cyabye
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"A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you"
My husband does know actually. And yes, I feel terrible about what I have done to him. I don't deserve another chance but he is prepared to give me one. He is showing amazing strength of character throughout all of this and it leaves me feeling ashamed.
Ok. Does your husband know you are constantly wondering about your ex OM? Does he know you are hurting from it still? Just wait. Your husband's anger and resentment will surface once the fog clears. I promise you that. Interesting to see how this turns out if you report back.
My husband does know actually. And yes, I feel terrible about what I have done to him. I don't deserve another chance but he is prepared to give me one. He is showing amazing strength of character throughout all of this and it leaves me feeling ashamed.
I want my marriage to work.
Well, your marriage won't work if you continue to proclaim the love the OM had for you. That means you are sitll emotionally attached to your bad decision. You need to figure out why you didn''t possess the same character as your H. It is time you live up to a decent standard and not down to your base level instincts.
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Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
The ONLY way this is going to work is if you GET AWAY FROM OM.
QUIT your job if you have to...work out some other method to meet bills...SOMETHING.
Because you will NOT heal, your marriage will NOT heal as long as you're in contact with OM.
Basically...you aren't "ending" an affair with him...YOU'RE STILL IN IT.
You're still meeting with him, still talking with him about the "might have beens", still emotionally connected to him...and every day while you're doing this...you're STILL betraying your husband.
Do you REALLY want to fix your marriage? Take vacation while you're looking for your job. Take a leave of absence. Quit...do SOMETHING that gets you out from where you're at and puts a REAL end to all of this between you and OM.
Anything less at this point is just PRETENDING to end the affair and trying to make things work.
Your H deserves better than that...he's already given you a second chance...and you're already squandering that one away too.
Think about it.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
My husband does know actually. And yes, I feel terrible about what I have done to him. I don't deserve another chance but he is prepared to give me one. He is showing amazing strength of character throughout all of this and it leaves me feeling ashamed.
I want my marriage to work.
OP, that's good news
Now is a perfect time to get both of you to MC and start the process. Make the appointment today....
Within MC, both of you can work as a team to make a recovery plan. You each will have your own work. The OM was just a symptom of something else.
If you both want your marriage to work, it can. If if doesn't, MC can help you clarify those reasons. I wish you well
You can see my earlier post for background but basically I am trying to deal with the end of an affair. I want to make my marriage work but I need to deal with my feelings for the OM.
Four weeks ago, I said I could not leave my husband so we stopped seeing each other. But we work together and right up until the point when I said I would leave my husband to be with him, he was encouraging me to do that eg sending me texts saying he wanted to spend his life with me, telling me he loved me. He then tells me has subsequently met someone else and that he loves her. In hindsight, I realised he used exactly the same words as me in telling me he could not give me what I wanted. Though in the time all this was coming out, he told me that he had only that week opted not to do something as it would mean he would not be able to see me as much and he kissed me.
Trying to get through work this week has been terrible. He refuses to talk about us though will be quite pleasant if talking work or anything else. He knows I still love him and yesterday he was obviously happy to see me and told me I looked lovely when we were alone. Yet when I responded, he told me I was making him uncomfortable at work. His behaviour at times has almost been as if he is the one who has been hurt this week, not me.
Why does he encourage me to leave to be with him and then say he can't do it? How can he love someone else so quickly? Only 3/4 days earlier he was telling me he loved me and that was when he and I were not seeing each other. Why does he say/do things which even now indicate that he still loves me? And then get upset when I reciprocate. I even suspect that this new woman is also married.
How do I get over this? What is he trying to do?
Hi Anne
what hes trying to do is irrelevant
you get over this by stopping trying to understand OM and focusing on you, your husband and your marriage
i feel the questions should should be asking yourself arent why is the OM doing this, but why did you do this to your husband, why are you refusing to allow the OM to derail your attention being on your marriage, why do you need to understand him to move on? dont allow the OM to govern your thoughts any longer. Your thoughts are under your control and if you are asking these questions, you arent allowing your marriage a chance. Get thee to MC
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