[lyingeyes]

I don't know where or how to post this. I ama long time lurker to this site. Maybe this should be posted in infedility forum but there are too many BS there that are hurting and I don't want to add to their pain. I need help and I don't know where to turn. No one in my life knows my complete story. NOt my family nor my friends. I am living a lie.

I am not married but might as well be- I have lived with my bf for six years been together for seven. We live as though married (or used to) but he is afraid of commitment and has put off marrying me. I care about him though I don't know why i do what I do. He did cheat on me twice. Once when we were first dating he was seeing a MW and she would not leave her husband. so he was sort of exiting that relationship when he met me. I let that one go even though it hurt. He cheated on me again about four years ago. THis is when I began my double life. I started seeing a guy that i had a lot in common with. Started off as friends comforting eachother and turned into more. HE thought I left my bf. My OM provides me with things my bf does not- attention, affection, someone who wants to spend al of his free time with me. For the last 3 years, I kept him at arms length. Giving him just enough hope to keep him around. After about two years of this he left me. ANd I thought i should be relieved as I could never bring myself to end it with either one. I did feel relief at first but then I felt so so alone! I wanted him back in the worst way but he had moved on.

So I tried to repair things with my bf. He was actually happy with only being required to do the bare minimum for me I think and did not like my new neediness. So I actually looked for another OM!!! Crazy I know. A few ,mths later OM wanted me back. I went. I am not cheating for sexual satisfaction. I do sleep with both of them but never on the same day. OM and I dated for 8 months before I had sex with him. I guess I am cheating to fill some void within myself. I am hooked and I think I need both of them in my life to be complete, to be happy, I probably do not deserve to be happy. I do not want to hurt anyone. I am aware what I am doing is selfish!!! I know this. BUt both of these men have hurt me as well, and while i dont' want them to hurt me-I guess i tell myself that since both have cheated on me (OM slept with two other women and I found out about it even though he and I were supposed to be exclusive (ironic huh). So neither is totally innocent in this picture. I can't say they deserve what I am doing to them because I'm not doing this out of malice. But just out of some need to make myself whole. But there is obviously something broken inside of me.

I have so much to say that it is all coming rushing out and I probably dont' make much sense. Basically now my OM has become my primary relationship. I have gone as far as taking trips with him and staying with him on the weekends and during the week. He does not know of my bf. In the last year, my OM has become more important in my life and I've tried to leave my bf. But I still have strong feelings for him and am worried I will be making a mistake if I leave him. OM wants me to get married. He has made a lot of mistakes in his past (cheating) so maybe we deserve eachtoher. I truly am living a double life. I want to be able to leave my bf for OM but I just dont know how.

[Owl]

This is really simple.

Dump your boyfriend. Tell him the truth...that you've been cheating on him with different men for the last four years, and that someone has replaced him.

He'll be hurt, he'll be angry...but he'll be out of your life and free you up to be with your OM.

What's stopping you?

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Owl. You wanted to marry your bf but he is putting off marriage. Just tell him that you want to be someone's wife, that is important to you. He can't offer you that, and the OM can.

I know it'll be hard to do, but you need to do this, for your own sanity as well as your bf's and the OM. To live a double life must be stressful and dramatic, the lies, betrayal, hiding and knowing you're hurting two men, though one (your bf) doesn't know about your affair.

Seek counselling to help you get strong enough so you can make the right choice for you.

[lkjh]

Grow up and stop blaming other people for your problems!!! You chose to stay and you honestly want us to believe your BF is satisfied with your relationship. Why didn't you try sitting down with him and tell him in plain English what you need. You are too immature to be in a relationship with anyone right now if you honestly believe its your boyfriends job to make you complete. For 3 of the 6 years you have been seeing another guy and you wonder why your BF doesn't want to marry you.

[bentnotbroken]

Aren't you lying to both of them? Man up and tell the truth. If you don't want the bf tell him and leave. If you don't tell the om the truth, you'll probably loose him too.