[Mermaiden]

So I really deeply love a guy.
But he was deeply hurt when his fiancee left him 18 month ago before their wedding.
She used cultural differences (she is a Chinese American) as the reason.
Turns out she lied and cheated and is now MARRYING the guy she cheated on while engaged to my guy.
And she is marrying a white guy just like my guy. (Im 1/4 Japanese/ 3/4 Dutch)
ANyway he and I are very close and I know he adores me......
But she cut him so deep that he has grown distant SINCE he found out she is planning a huge wedding in Hawaii soon.
He has aske dme to snoop on her plans at first.
Finally I told him I was feeling second best and asked him if he wouldve taken her back and dumped me over last 18 months.
He admitted that even though Im a dream girl he hates having lost her and blames himself for not being sweet enough to her.
Now he has just found her wedding date and place.
He joked he feels like hoping a on plane to stop the wedding.


I DONT care if he was joking. Jokes ALWAYS have truth mixed in.
I am thinking because I am going away for work training for the next 5-6 weeks that I should go cold no contact on him.
He can miss me and wonder about me instead of just having me here adoring him while pining for his cheating dollface.

Grrr..

I do know he loves me. He just needs to know HOW MUCH.

NC best idea ?

[JustinWolf]

Go NC, let him feel it. He's just hurting himself and is going to end up in a place where he really won't like it.

[justaman99]

It's not a good feeling being cheated on. You feel violated and betrayed, used and discarded. It really ****s with your head. Sometimes we want that person back only to prove to ourselves that we are better then the guy or girl they dumped us for or cheated on us with. An ego thing perhaps.

-Just

[backto1]

I wouldn't suggest using NC to prove anything or make a point. It's not good or fair to use it on someone you plan on talking to again. Complete NC, in my opinion, should be used only as a tool to moving on.

If it really bothers you and you need some time to think without contact, at least tell him what's up first.

[justaman99]

I agree with backto1.

Regardless you don' deserve the constant talk about her, him asking you to spy on her and he still blaming himself for what happened. He hasn't let it go and when someone cheats on you and lies to you it's very hard to do. I think you should tell him to think about where he's at. Tell him to think about what he has and what he wants and that you want him to do this while you are on your trip. Tell him to work on gaining a little clarity while you are away and give him a nice big kiss.

-Just

[Mermaiden]

Originally Posted by justaman99

It's not a good feeling being cheated on. You feel violated and betrayed, used and discarded. It really ****s with your head. Sometimes we want that person back only to prove to ourselves that we are better then the guy or girl they dumped us for or cheated on us with. An ego thing perhaps.

-Just

Yes and he admits this. I'm so frustrated. He is a really good guy.
And because I have cared about him so much I have listened and helped him process his feelings for a long time. I mean he even asked me to proofread a letter he wrote her 2 months ago when he found out she was getting married.
It was so sad to read but also ticked me off that he was still so hung up...
And he has appreciated that.
But my long suffering has to stop.
He needs to just be alone and have to face these issues. Because I do care so much it is hard to leave him alone and force him to see how much he misses me.
But Im very very bright.
I know in my heart as surely as I live and breath that this is the best time to.
Instead of him spending so much time being hurt that she is getting married, he can wonder what the heck is up with me and miss me instead.
He and I have been in touch with each other every day for the last 16 months! Jesus WE should be married by now.

I mean the last straw was when he found out she had a fun girls night out to celebrate her upcoming wedding....... He said he cant stand to hear about it cause it makes him sick.

I'm certain of our love for each other. It will be SO hard for me to NOT contact him.
We have such a great rapport, but I have to do the noble thing for us both.

[Mermaiden]

Originally Posted by backto1

I wouldn't suggest using NC to prove anything or make a point. It's not good or fair to use it on someone you plan on talking to again. Complete NC, in my opinion, should be used only as a tool to moving on.

If it really bothers you and you need some time to think without contact, at least tell him what's up first.

I'm using stress and being busy with brand new job as my excuse.

[TrustInYourself]

18 months wasn't that long ago. That pain is still probably fresh in his mind and he probably didn't have time to get over her properly before he fell for you. It's like he's haunted by what he's lost.

Never hurts to get some outside professional counseling. Good luck and best wishes. If you need to chat with me privately, feel free to do so.

[Mermaiden]

So I have let him know he needs time to think and miss me and he agrees.
I also said that since we still arent totally exclusive that another guy I like keeps
writing me.

[oregonbigc]

I see your point of mentioning to him that this other guy is writing you, but he may think like you are going to head after the new guy like his last ex did. I just went through a similar situation. What's up with the asian girls ditching and moving on so quickly, how is it possible? Anyway, you obviously care a great deal about this guy and can see yourself marrying him, problem is he is not over his ex. Her getting married should help that, it gives a little bit of finality to the situation. I would guess within a couple months of that marriage, he will be moving on. Right now he may love you very much, but with his ex as a huge distraction, because of the ego involved in a break up, he can't give himself to you completely. You can choose to stick around, which may make you more sad, or you can continue the break and maybe he will come around soon after the wedding.
There is a good book called "The Mastery of Love", by Don Miguel Ruiz. You both should read it, it's like 10 bucks and 200pgs very easy read.

[TrustInYourself]

Originally Posted by Mermaiden

So I have let him know he needs time to think and miss me and he agrees.
I also said that since we still arent totally exclusive that another guy I like keeps
writing me.

That's manipulative. If you get him back, that could always backfire from both perspectives.

[Mermaiden]

Originally Posted by TrustInYourself

That's manipulative. If you get him back, that could always backfire from both perspectives.

well here is how the conversation playe dout:
me: I care about you a lot, your eone of my five top fav people ever.
him: aww
me: but you know you still are thinking about ur ex
him: yes i wish i wasnt.... i even though she contacted me but it was just some spam email with he rname. sigh
me: see i need to just be alone and let you figure things out. you can get clarity without me always around...
him: sigh, you're so great and sweet. im a bastard
me: no youre not , youre a great guy
him: well ok
me: anyway i still see you have your match personmal ad up
him: yeah its jsut for my ego, suddenly lots of girls but no one of interest
me: well xxxxx contacted me again anyway. i m really too busy though.
him: yeah who knows what happens. i want to see you soon
me: well this will force you to confront HOW you really feel
him: **** **** youre right dammit
me: enjoy The Dark Knight !!!
me: xoxoxoxoxo im alwyas here though if you have emergency
him: you're too good for me



so he threw in a line about getting lots of girls contacting him... i dont even hav emy ad up anymore... so thats why i mentioned this other guy.

[Mermaiden]

Originally Posted by oregonbigc

What's up with the asian girls ditching and moving on so quickly, how is it possible?

HEY!!!
I hope you're being funny.