[Wibble]

I won't bore you with my back story - it is all somewhere here on LS - but suffice to say 3 years ago I discovered that my wife had been having a very passionate affair with a former work colleague (also married). The discovery, and subsequent ending of the affair, was very, very painful. I discovered that practically everything that I had considered special to us had been shared with him, even days out with the kids! I also discovered that they had had a "fling" (his words) when they had worked together 15 years previously.

My wife said all the "usual" things that WSs say (soulmate, true love etc) and only really understood how she had been used when she discovered he had been lying to her as well as his wife.

My problem is this:

Once she had accepted that the affair was over, she did absolutely NOTHING to help our marriage recover. She point blank refused to either tell me what had gone on, or to go to Marriage Guidance. I finally managed to force her to a counsellor 18 months later, but she stopped going after 4 sessions. It is as if she has blanked out the entire episode, and her part in it, as though merely ending the affair was proof enough of her commitment.

For me the truth I had to face was that if I wanted my marriage back, I would have to stick at it, but I feel that I am doing it alone. She doesn't realise, or choose to realise, the festering resentment I feel that she invited another man into my bed, and hasn't even tried to explain why. With every day that passes she seems to feel that the problem gets further away, but it doesn't, it just gets deeper. I cannot shake the feeling that she has only stayed with me because I was the only game in town. No-one else would want a 40-something mother of three, certainly not lover-boy.

I know 3 years seems a long time, but it sometimes seems like a heartbeat ago. A certain word or feeling will bring it FLOODING back. I know my feelings have changed - whose wouldn't? - so am I sacrificing my future happiness for my childrens current peace of mind?

I realise this sounds like a whiny, whingeing moan, and I suppose it is, but does ANYONE know if things will get better, or will I have to "change the way I think", which seems to be the thrust of most self-help books.

[Chris1479]

Well let's try to put this in context.

If you settled for a woman with 3 kids who was 40, and you yourself say you FEAR that you were her only choice, it all sounds like a case of low self esteem. Which may have led you into a time-bomb of a relationship.

I'd ask her if she cares if her kids have a father or not. She seems like the type who is used to having her cake and eating it too.

I'd demand a serious talk, don't take no for an answer. Be prepared to make decisions so she knows you mean business. This has two advantages: one, a man who makes decisions is attractive (if you still want her) two, you force her to show her hand. She has seriously screwed you and her kids over.

[Lookingforward]

Sounds like she doesn't give it that much importance and you are supposed to just suck it up and make like it never happened.

If she won't budge on that stance, then all you can do is decide if you can live your M like that.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally Posted by Wibble

I realise this sounds like a whiny, whingeing moan, and I suppose it is, but does ANYONE know if things will get better, or will I have to "change the way I think", which seems to be the thrust of most self-help books.

I know pop-psychology is cheesy ... but I heard Dr. Phil say something one time which really stuck with me. In paraphrase, 'The hurt of the betrayed partner is NEVER fully alleviated unless and until they become confident in the knowledge that their wayward spouse intimately understands the pain they've suffered.'

It sounds to me like your FWW is either unable or unwilling to truly understand the depths of your grief.

[imagine]

Put your foot down.

Why should she even respect you. You will take it. She needs to understand that there is boundaries and consequences for over stepping them.

What security do you and your kids have with this woman. Unless the whole deal is exposed by her in its full, brutal and ugly truth, there will be no chance of healing and reconciliation. That wound needs full and proper medication. The medicine is and will continue to be - radical honesty.

Look at it another way, how can you be able to properly invest into the marriage either? Tah dah!... everybody loses.

I don't know what your circumstances are... maybe she is too guilty, too ashamed, too scared, too brazen to bother dealing with the issue. Possibly a third party, such as a pastor, pro- marriage counselor etc could become involved to offer a neutral perspective.

Just don't write this off no matter how late in the game.

[stampdaddy]

Wibble...

First of all, unfortunately I am an OM just seemily ending a 4 year relationship with a MW who I am in NC with.. I am watching (and have been for over a year now) the same thing go on with her and her H. Same ages, roughly, and I have been trying to figure out the WHY'S as well.. I don't really have any advise per se, but I do see several reasons on both sides of the coin to STAY or GO... Regarding the kids, I am sure you wonder "what is best?" Is it really best just to stay together for the "sake" of the kids? What are they REALLY seeing? Are they seeing happy parents? DO they see loving parents? Would it be better to see their parents happy even if it meant a temporary adjustment period (I am NOT making light of the pain and turmoil of a divorce).. What good does it do to just "rip the pages off of a calendar week after week, month after month and now in your case, year after year, living basically separate lives under the same roof? And you bet, she will become numb to the affair as if it didnt ever happen, which is BS (bullsh*t). That is my perspective, and I hope it is OK, even though I am a OM.. If it's not, please let me know.. Thanks
***for what it's worth, I thought MW was on her way out of her Marriage, and now I feel extremely guilty regarding her H if she "stays"...

[imagine]

I meant to say that a third party intervention may have to be reattempted.

Motivation for your wife should in no way be threats of separation or divorce. Threats are toothless and weak. Should she refuse discussion, consider what I now say... Apart from the adultery, she has appeared to have emotionally abandoned the marriage. Divorce her. Get your life back.

Should you choose the longer and less certain route , you may want to investigate the His needs Her needs manual for expert advice.

Either way, good luck to you man!

[bentnotbroken]

You can't fix a marriage alone. You can only do your part. If she isn't willing to put in the effort, what else can you do?

[smartgirl]

For a marriage to be viable, both partners need to fully participate, respect the other partner and care how the other partner feels. It doesn't sound like your wife is doing any of these things.

If you are willing to stay in this marriage no matter how she behaves, then yes, you have no choice but to "get over it" or continue to suffer or to leave and try and rebuild your life.

I believe it is impossible to just get over something this painful if the WS will not be a full participant in the recovery effort. She has refused. That is a good sign that you marriage is in name only from her standpoint.

I don't think you could be expected to continue on in such a one-sided relationship. You are unhappy and I'm sure the children notice. This kind of unhappiness can become an infection in the household and I don't think you want that for your children. They need to see a strong father figure, not just one who sacrifices himself.

That leads to option 3 - rebuilding your life. Show your children that they should never stay in a bad relationship. They should do what you have done to this date - negotiate, work, love, be patient - but at some point you just have to realize that you can't fix a relationship single handedly. You have tried to get your wife to work on this and she won't. Don't be a martyr or a doormat - stand up for yourself and let your children know you are doing that for yourself and for them.

I'm very sorry if this sounds harsh given your sadness. And I hate having to suggest pulling the plug because I truly believe in forgiveness and second chances. But those things have got to be earned. You should go to counselling alone to help you make this transition.

[OpenBook]

Originally Posted by Wibble

I cannot shake the feeling that she has only stayed with me because I was the only game in town. No-one else would want a 40-something mother of three, certainly not lover-boy... so am I sacrificing my future happiness for my childrens current peace of mind?

Yup.

Nobody else is sticking around for her. Why should you?

I'm serious. Maybe if you answered that question to yourself, you would have greater clarity about what you should do. Why are you still sticking around??

[Mr. Lucky]

Originally Posted by Wibble

She doesn't realise, or choose to realise, the festering resentment I feel that she invited another man into my bed, and hasn't even tried to explain why.

Even though I was (like you) a BS, I came to understand that the "why" is never going to answered to your satisfaction. Think about it, what reason could she possibly give you that you would accept as sufficient motivation for her conduct ? If you or your M is going to recover, you eventually have to let that one go...

Mr. Lucky

[Darth Vader]

Wibble, I have to agree with the other posters. You tried, she don't want to work on anything. I suggest that you Divorce her. She may be shocked into reality, but, from the sounds of your wife, I don't think so. Protect your assets, divide the house, sell it, whatever! Move on MAN!

[silktricks]

One person can neither build nor rebuild a marriage. If she refuses to work with you to make a real marriage, as opposed to the farce you had while she was playing around with another guy - then why should you stay with her? What would you be staying for? The children? No. Life is short, you need to spend some of it on yourself.

Good luck.

[Lizzie60]

What I would do if I were in your shoes...

Knowing she's already emotionally out of the M.. I would stay for the sake of the children (if that's what you want) and have an A outside.. find someone you can bond with ... this might work..

But I'm only saying what I would do..

[J2FT1]

Wibble, put your foot down, for your children at least, if not for your manhood.