I've been married for about 5 years. In that time I've gone from a size 6 to a 12. I know that I've gained weight. We have alot of parties and the food and drinking has really packed it on me.
My husband has recently told me that the reason that we don't have sex (for months at a time) is because my weight bothers him and I don't turn him on anymore.
I can't tell you how deep this cut into my soul. I've started purging if I overeat and mostly eating not very much.
I feel so tired and feel very badly.
I'm sorry, I'm probably not typing very clearly. I didn't want to tell anyone that I know. I love my husband more than anything, but lately, I just want to hide from him. I don't want for him to see me. I'm upset if he walks in when I'm bathing or dressing. I want to hide my body from him.
I'm so unhappy now. I would rather puke everyday and not gain weight than have him not want me sexually. He says that he loves me, but I don't feel that he does. I don't feel anything really.
I don't really have a question. I just wanted to vent and tell someone what was going on. Any well wishes, dieting tips or similar stories would be appreciated. I'll be eagerly reading responses. Thank you if you read all of this.
your husband is being a jackass, plain and simple. You could be incapacitated, you could be caught up in some horrific disease, you could be suffering from a chronic illness … and all he can think about is a bit of weight gain? That's what 30 pounds, tops?
see here, pamela, you and I both know that you are capable of losing that small amount of weight with a sensible diet and exercise plan, but once you do, he'll still be saying jerkish things. And you really need to call him on that, making you feel shtty for putting on a few pounds, because he'll get it into his head that whenever you're "displeasing" him, all he has to do is mention your weight. Don't fall for that crap, you deserve much better than that, but you won't get it if you don't let him in on it, you know?
as for feeling bad(ly), you're probably in a mild funk, and understandably so. Best thing you can do is to stop letting his words be responsible for your self-esteem. Yes, you want to be attractive to the man you love, but if he can't see past the obvious, he's a jackass. And you can tell him Quank said so
this man is NOT worth you developing an eating disorder over. Especially when you've probably stood by his side over HIS lesser qualities.
don't do this to yourself, honey, don't sell yourself short because he's choosing to be insensitive.
__________________ I think my favorite phrase at this moment is, "Shut your piehole!" It doesn't really refer to anything nasty, but it sure does sound rude.
another thought: lose the weight sensibly, then give him the cold shoulder when Mr. Happy comes a-knocking. And let him know that he doesn't deserve your hoo-hoo after being such a jackass, that you can't bring yourself to boink him because ... well, because he's lacking something. Stupid game, I know, and I shouldn't be advising this, but dammit, it makes me mad when people pull the weight card when they ought to try to be understanding and positive about helping you achieve a goal!
I totally understand where you are coming from and I am sorry he is making you feel so bad. My H doesn't turn me down for sex b/c of my weight but I do get tired of hearing how I need to loose 30lbs.
This is what I would do and it's probably wrong but it just the way I am. When he does decide he wants sex (and he will) tell him when he actually grows a dick you will have sex w/ him.
This pisses me off for you. Just b/c you aren't a size 6 anymore doesn't mean he should be treating you like crap. He should be happy w/ you no matter what size you are. And a 12 is NOT fat!
My H has gained more weight than I have since we got M but I still want to have sex w/ him b/c I want to be near him, and please him, and well, I love sex.
Thank you all for replying. Usually I wouldn't put up with this kind of thing. I guess I just feel badly because I feel fat. A part of me feels that maybe he is right. Maybe I am gross. I've tried to talk to him about it and he says that I should get over it.
He says that he is overweight too and he just had to say enough is enough for both of us. However, for me, it isn't that simple. I feel horrible and inadequate. It would be one thing if he encouraged me and we still had sex, but it is quite another to feel critized and lonely.
He does so many other nice things for me. This is the only area where we are having trouble.
Hey Hun, I know how badly you must feel about what your husband has said. Going about losing weight through the purging method is the wrong way to go about this.
I developed an eating disorder in my early 30's because my ex husbands mother used to critizise my weight. I'm 5'7 and I had normally been about 130 for most of my adult life... I got up to about 150 at one point in our marriage and she really got on my case with her insults. It stressed me out to the point where I simply stopped eating. We proceeded to a divorce following that (he cheated), and I subsequently lost more than 50 lbs. I was always self conscious of my body- especially as a teen... but having someone validate my worst personal insecurity sent me into a really dangerous state of mind. I got as low as 95lbs for a time, and I still felt like I had to lose more at that time.
I don't want you to lose perspective the way I did. The purging will play havoc on your body. Diet and exercise is the only way to go about losing weight... and you have to do so moderately- no more than 2-3 lbs a week.
A size 12 isn't a big size! Does your husband even recognize that his words have prompted you to throw up? He's partaking in the drinking and dinner parties himself! If he truly wants to help, he needs to offer you support and his unconditional love.
I know how deeply words can affect a person. I was so messed up by my monster-in-law's comments that I used to stare in the mirror at 95lbs and think I had to lose more. But I implore you not to play around with your health like this.
Just the fact that you are purging makes me worry about you. I'd talk to your husband about what you've been doing behind closed doors and ask him to support you in making a lifestyle change... Maybe that starts with both of you giving up the drinking and dinner party lifestyle for a while.
If you want to lose weight- don't turn to a fad diet, weight loss pills, starving yourself, or binging and purging behaviour.
I think there is a kind way to talk to your partner about your health- and there is a cruel way- your husband chose a cruel way. I feel for you- I know how damaging that kind of criticism can be. But I really want you to think about a healthier way of going about this.
Wow, I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. I empathize completely. I've been gaining and losing the same 20 pounds my entire adult life and know what a difference it makes to a person's self-esteem to be at the high or low end of their range.
Everyone's body is different, and losing unwanted pounds can be a bigger psychological issue than a physical one. That said, the only way I ever lost weight for a significant period of time was to cut out refined sugar and white flour, which are bad for you in any case. The usual suspects pack it on me every time: baked goods like doughnuts, cookies and good bread. It's hard to give them up, but it really does help.
Also, kicking your good-for-nothing husband's *** sideways might help, too. Just sayin' . . .
Start walking together, join a gym, or a club then you two can play tennis or squash as a couple. A good workout and it's for you two to be alone.
Exercise is one thing, but changing eating habits are another, this is something you both can encourage eachother about and hopefully eat healthier and less portions.
As for your self esteem - Speak someone about this because it's obvious too that your H is not helping. He should be loving and supportive, reguardless of your weight!
He can't help the way he feels... It's not like he can convince himself to find you attractive because he "should".
I respect him for being honest about it. Doesn't sound like he's made any demands or ultimatums, just told it like it is.
It's up to you to decide if losing the weight is something you're prepared to do. If not, then you should both move on.
Not eating, or throwing up is the worst way you could possibly do it (aside from meth!). Everyone knows they need to eat healthier and exercise... there's no way around it if you want to lose weight.
__________________
LovelyBird says: "your husband deserve many heavy good slap in his face."
your husband is being a jackass, plain and simple. You could be incapacitated, you could be caught up in some horrific disease, you could be suffering from a chronic illness … and all he can think about is a bit of weight gain? That's what 30 pounds, tops?
see here, pamela, you and I both know that you are capable of losing that small amount of weight with a sensible diet and exercise plan, but once you do, he'll still be saying jerkish things. And you really need to call him on that, making you feel shtty for putting on a few pounds, because he'll get it into his head that whenever you're "displeasing" him, all he has to do is mention your weight. Don't fall for that crap, you deserve much better than that, but you won't get it if you don't let him in on it, you know?
as for feeling bad(ly), you're probably in a mild funk, and understandably so. Best thing you can do is to stop letting his words be responsible for your self-esteem. Yes, you want to be attractive to the man you love, but if he can't see past the obvious, he's a jackass. And you can tell him Quank said so
this man is NOT worth you developing an eating disorder over. Especially when you've probably stood by his side over HIS lesser qualities.
don't do this to yourself, honey, don't sell yourself short because he's choosing to be insensitive.
Why in the @#$#$@#$ world is this guy a Jackass?????? Because he doesnt feel attracted to his wife because she has gained a lot of weight???
Do you have balls??? Are you a man?? Is your favorite show Oprah?? Well, guess what........one of men's top needs is attraction. So you crucify him because he tells the truth? Was he not suppose to be honest or is he evil because he feels that way????
Size 6 to size 12........I have no idea how much weight that is..........if it was 15 or 20 pounds.........that is one thing.........if it is alot, say 30+.......that is alot. What about 70lbs? Or 120? When would it bother you? At what weight would you still be attracted and would there be a weight when even you would be honest and say you do not find your wife physcially attractive.
To the original poster. Do not dwell in misery........exercise and eat better..........and again, not sure how much weight your talking about.........purging is no answer and you know that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and work at it.
I grew up around my father always calling my mom horrible fat names and my mom therefore having an eating disorder for a very long time. i ended up having an eating disorder. I am ok now. but I understand the damage this can do. it was very painful to watch my mom go through it.
when my own husband commented how i should stop eating cookies onto my 110lb frame (I'm only 5') i snapped at him to make sure it would never ever become a problem. Men are jackasses. i am learning this more and more with marriage.
i have also learned that we cannot LET them treat us badly.
the best advice i have (I'm a massage therapist going to school for holistic nutrition) is to focus on yourself. take this time to build up yourself. do not spend the energy hating yourself or hating him. spend your energy POSITIVEly, eating right (cut out ALL proccessed foods, dairy, white sugar, and flour if possible), exercising daily, and kicking butt. give yourself messages of love.
eating disorders make it seem like there will be progress, but you are doing damage to your body and you are actually SLOWING down your metabolism. it takes time, but eat 6 meals a day, smaller and smarter. eat REAL food. and tell your husband to shut the hell up.
masturbate. you dont need him. yes, I'm being blunt. but its true. go get yourself a vibrator and dont shy away from the skin your in.. accept it for what it is. accept yourself and be honest. then you can move productively from there on.
one of the best revenges a woman can have is looking sexy... and then once you get there you may realize that your better off without him. just focus on yourself. build your self-confidence and everything else will follow.
take the lead from other women like Susan Powter who had that bleached buzz cut, who was the 'housewife who finally got smart'.
I agree with Enema that your H was just being honest, but he definitely could have told you in a gentler way. The part that makes me think you two have more problems going on is the way he said to you to "get over it". To me that speaks volumes of a lack of respect going on in your marriage. Have you two ever seen a counselor? I think even the healthiest relationships can become more fulfilling with just a little bit of counseling, and that the smallest problems can be resolved before causing deeper issues with the perspective of someone who can give an objective view on your marriage.
As far as not having sex because of your weight, I think you need to make a couple decisions. If you want to lose weight, that's great if doing so would bring back your sex life. If it doesn't, there might be other issues involved that are making your husband not want sex. If you don't want to lose weight or can't lose weight, you have to make a decision whether or not you want to stay in a sexless marriage. Personally, I would not be able to put up with that. You have to realize that not everyone thinks like your husband and you could probably find someone else who would be comfortable with your weight.
I grew up around my father always calling my mom horrible fat names and my mom therefore having an eating disorder for a very long time. i ended up having an eating disorder. I am ok now. but I understand the damage this can do. it was very painful to watch my mom go through it.
when my own husband commented how i should stop eating cookies onto my 110lb frame (I'm only 5') i snapped at him to make sure it would never ever become a problem. Men are jackasses. i am learning this more and more with marriage.
i have also learned that we cannot LET them treat us badly.
the best advice i have (I'm a massage therapist going to school for holistic nutrition) is to focus on yourself. take this time to build up yourself. do not spend the energy hating yourself or hating him. spend your energy POSITIVEly, eating right (cut out ALL proccessed foods, dairy, white sugar, and flour if possible), exercising daily, and kicking butt. give yourself messages of love.
eating disorders make it seem like there will be progress, but you are doing damage to your body and you are actually SLOWING down your metabolism. it takes time, but eat 6 meals a day, smaller and smarter. eat REAL food. and tell your husband to shut the hell up.
masturbate. you dont need him. yes, I'm being blunt. but its true. go get yourself a vibrator and dont shy away from the skin your in.. accept it for what it is. accept yourself and be honest. then you can move productively from there on.
one of the best revenges a woman can have is looking sexy... and then once you get there you may realize that your better off without him. just focus on yourself. build your self-confidence and everything else will follow.
take the lead from other women like Susan Powter who had that bleached buzz cut, who was the 'housewife who finally got smart'.
We are women, hear us roar.
be strong. ; )
You are using examples that I believe do not fit the norm. Of course no man should complain about a 110 pound woman eating cookies. And the spouse should try to discuss the subject as delicately as possible.
But for the husband who has 120 pound wife when married and hits up towards 200 pounds or so..........for those husbands........are they jackasses too?
What was your mothers eating disorder?? If it was medical, sure, common sense would say it is out of her control. But again, most times this is not the case. It is lack of exercise and eating to much.
These situations are a no win situation for the man. He is suppose to ignore the fact and love her for the way she is on the inside. Bull Sh_t!
Best revenge hah? if she was getting back into the dating seen she would do it, but not for her current husband. So you can lure another guy in so you can get fat again.
I would think the same if it were a fat husband and wife in shape. Spouses owe it to there partner to be in "decent" shape.
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