I would appreciate your opinions regarding marriage and being in love. While I realize that with time that feeling of being in love subsides and gives way to more stable, mature long-lasting feelings of deeper love and respect, I don’t believe that it’s supposed to disappear permanently.
I guess, what I am asking is, do you think that a person who leaves a marriage because she has fallen out of love with her spouse has made a mistake? Do you think that she has given up, and could have worked to rekindle the feeling and save the marriage?
Last edited by Gorgona; 14th July 2008 at 3:21 PM.
I would appreciate your opinions regarding marriage and being in love. While I realize that with time that feeling of being in love subsides and gives way to more stable, mature long-lasting feelings of deeper love and respect, I don’t believe that it’s supposed to disappear permanently.
I guess, what I am asking is, do you think that a person who leaves a marriage because she has fallen out of love with her spouse has made a mistake? Do you think that she has given up, and could have worked to rekindle the feeling and save the marriage?
I think that when a person makes a lifetime commitment, they are to keep it.
Yes, the butterflies in your stomach may go away, but with time and patience they will return.
There's no sunshine with rain, or laughter without pain.....crap.....I'm starting to ryhme, but you get the point....
I think someone who goes into a relationship and expects it to be primarily about "being in love" with someone isn't being realistic. Like the way the moon cycles from waning to waxing, relationships go from full-on feelings of romantic "lovey-dovey" love to a more practical kind of love, with feelings ranging mostly in-between. If love is a bedrock, a steady feeling that supports a relationship, then "in love" is the chemical high of those feelings. And frankly, trusting in that chemical high isn't very practical, because then you're only looking for the high itself, not the love ...
that said, yeah, I think someone who walks away from marriage because they're not "in love" with their spouse and refuses fight for said relationship is someone foolish enough to throw away what might very well be what they're supposed to have in life.
but hey, that's just me, someone who doesn't trust fully in chemical romance, but desires the practical bedrock because it helps me continue my leap of faith with my spouse.
mind you, there are periods when I wonder what the hell I'm doing when things get blah, but then I remember what I really want from our relationship ... and things get back on track.
__________________ "It's the longest Hail Mary pass in the history of either football or Marys," said Rep. Barney Frank, one of the chief bailout negotiators.
actually, you bring up something I've held true in my life:
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken
William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116
even the Bard talks about putting faith in the bedrock of love, and not the "being in love" chemistry thing!
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I guess, what I am asking is, do you think that a person who leaves a marriage because she has fallen out of love with her spouse has made a mistake? Do you think that she has given up, and could have worked to rekindle the feeling and save the marriage?
G, this is a pretty complex questions and you haven't given much background story to your post.
M is about more than just love. Trust, commitment, belief in the institution, common values and many other issues play a huge part in the success or failure of a M.
Can you give more details about why you are asking the question??
I think that when a person makes a lifetime commitment, they are to keep it.
Yes, the butterflies in your stomach may go away, but with time and patience they will return.
There's no sunshine with rain, or laughter without pain.....crap.....I'm starting to ryhme, but you get the point....
I do not think it is this simple. I do not think the majority of women or men who fall out of love do so because they have the "butterflys" in their stomach go away. And I also do not believe that one stays in a marriage just because they made a "commitment".
People who fall out of love are often not getting their needs met and feel like most likely they never will. So often I hear the words........because you made a vow..........well..........there is much more to the vows then just saying I do.........it is honoring and obeying and all the other things one spouse is suppose to do for one another or how they are to treat each other.
Like not getting sex in a marriage........I hear this so often..........how can you say one is to give that up for the rest of their life because they made a commitment??
Wow, what wonderful posts on marriage. I can relate to all of those as someone who is married now for 13 years but I will say that reddog you're right.
There's so much more than just honoring our vows. Each person's needs must be met. You're so right about that. Marriage is more than just blindly honoring our vows.
What good does that serve if the two people aren't meeting each other's needs?
Good post.
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sex. Ah, that famous question. And I think people put so much more emphasis on it than need be, because sex is NOT the be-all, end-all of a relationship, though it is if you're planning on making babies intentionally.
it's actually not such a horrible thing, because you learn to adjust. Sometimes kicking and screaming, with occasional flare-ups about how unfair it is to have to be the one compromising, but if the relationship is solid to begin with, you learn to make your way with little or no boinking.
IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...
sex. Ah, that famous question. And I think people put so much more emphasis on it than need be, because sex is NOT the be-all, end-all of a relationship, though it is if you're planning on making babies intentionally.
it's actually not such a horrible thing, because you learn to adjust. Sometimes kicking and screaming, with occasional flare-ups about how unfair it is to have to be the one compromising, but if the relationship is solid to begin with, you learn to make your way with little or no boinking.
IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...
Wow, it's the first time we don't agree. Or I don't agree with you at all. Not at all.
It's not about only having babies to many people. It's about closeness and intimacy. And why should someone who feels that that's what it's about (the latter) give it up? Because it's a test of some kind as to how strong your relationship is?
I couldn't disagree more. If it's important to one of you then the other should pay GREAT attention to that. And not pooh pooh that.
In my opinion it's selfish of one person to deny the one who thinks it's an important element in the marriage. Why should one person "learn" to do without as you say?
In the beginning it was an important element, no? And couples aren't always trying to have kids at the beginning either, right? So there goes that theory.
As for the last part in bold..no. In my opinion one of the TRUE tests of a relationship is how well one partner is able to give the other what they truly need to feel loved and desired.
IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...
Touche is correct. A sexless marriage is no marriage at all.
To answer the original question. What does it mean to "fall out of love"? You say that as though you have no control over it... as though its just something that happens. It's funny how people who believe that are constantly so miserable. Laziness has few perks.
sex. Ah, that famous question. And I think people put so much more emphasis on it than need be, because sex is NOT the be-all, end-all of a relationship, though it is if you're planning on making babies intentionally.
it's actually not such a horrible thing, because you learn to adjust. Sometimes kicking and screaming, with occasional flare-ups about how unfair it is to have to be the one compromising, but if the relationship is solid to begin with, you learn to make your way with little or no boinking.
IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...
So if ONE partner is disinterested the other should just suck it up for the sake of the relationship ?
Marriage isn't 50/50 or he done that or she done this, so I ain't doin' crap....
It's 100/100 unconditionally......well....unless it's a something physical like a handicap, or abuse....
sex. Ah, that famous question. And I think people put so much more emphasis on it than need be, because sex is NOT the be-all, end-all of a relationship, though it is if you're planning on making babies intentionally.
it's actually not such a horrible thing, because you learn to adjust. Sometimes kicking and screaming, with occasional flare-ups about how unfair it is to have to be the one compromising, but if the relationship is solid to begin with, you learn to make your way with little or no boinking.
IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...
Wow, that makes me want to just run out and get married. Just so I can test 'em. "Let's see how long you can be starved, my beloved life partner..."
Y'know, I think I'm gonna expand my List of Strange Creatures to include married people as well as men.
My Point, to Gorgona: If you're thinking about getting married, DON'T DO IT. It's a death trap. You'll join the long train of Dead People Walking. "Learning to adjust" and "compromising" and "settling" are just code words for giving up all hope of a fulfilling life. Don't go there!!
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o I need to expand?
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