OK.. so here I am at the REAL beginning of NC. More or less imposed by MW. It's not that I wanted the "affair" to continue, no not at all. And yes, I agree, our "relationship" just could not go any further the way it was. ***to recap briefly: Have been with MW for 4 years now, got foundout exactly a year ago. She never left me, and we have gotten busted a few more times, even around 4 months ago, BUT, she is still there*****
Anyway, obviously I have been spinning, but mainly OK.. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round where for 1 hour I am OK, and then for 2 hours I am not. Here is what she has said to me: "I need to do this on my own. I need time to find myself, to make decisions for me and my children without you standing right there. This will be very hard, BUT, I have to do it this way. You are my Joy, you are the future that I desire. It is the present that is killing me. So, let me go. Let me go take care of this, the right way..." etc, etc...
I realize it is the only way, I do, but I don't want to cry about it anymore. I don't want to "wait" anymore. I do not want to be "patient, loving, kind, hopeful, caring" or any of these things I have been all of this time. My mind says that I want to let this go, but my heart still struggles with HOW to do so..
How have you handled break ups in your past? That should give you a start, at least.
The other part of it is also simple...NOT EASY...but simple.
Don't wait for her. That doesn't mean that you've got to go find someone else...but you need to admit, TO YOURSELF...finally...that your relationship with her is OVER AND DONE WITH.
Stop focusing on the "what ifs"...start recognizing that its DONE...hell...act like she'd dead if that helps you get past it. No more thinking about what the future might hold with her...there is no future with her. Accept that for what it is...you've grieved for it already I think (but if you haven't, then do so)...and pick up your life and move on.
I'm glad to hear this happen, SD. Seriously, I've been saying all along that "partial NC" doesn't do anything but HURT. It never gives you the chance to move on. It never gives you the space and time to heal.
I hope it starts for you now.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
I just feel as if I have wasted 4 years of my life now. EVERYTHING has been stripped away from me regarding our "relationship". It is dead. That is not how a "couple" should turn out. As far as break-ups in the past, they have been warranted, a decision was made. Love was lost. Hurt was present. This is not the case here. I love here. And I have no doubt that she loves me as well. AND, I do not believe for a second that she is "going back to H". First, she never left, but I am talking emotinally. I left her a v/m last week "accepting" this, and explaining how i felt, that there would always be "something" to prevent movement. She told me a story once about how 2 people fell deeply in love and re-connected 14 years later.. F*** that! I am 41, so I really don't look forward to re-connecting at 55. OH WAUT, I CAN SEE IT NOW. I TAKE HER ON OUR FIRST "NEW" DATE WITH MY AARP COUPONS....
I also believe that she is being totally sincere. That she needed a break from it all. I can't imagine the pressure that was laying on her. H came down about a month 1/2 ago and said that the are going to Divorce.. But nothing since. She has seen an Attorney, but again, nothing since. She has simply wrapped herself around her children through their summer. And NO, would it be "wise" to be seeing me if the was a Divorce pending?? absolutely not. Maybe she is telling me the truth. That this needs to happen without me. Because if it were true, then that is absolutely how it should happen. I should not be a "burden" on her shoulders right now, right? She should be able to count on my understanding, right?
Do you see me on this merry-go-round?
"What if" she's saying and doing this so that its better for the divorce? "What if" she got divorced like her H said that they would? "What if"...
Everytime you "what if"...you hold yourself in the same position you've been for the last four years...those "wasted" four years you've referred to.
SHOULD she be able to count on your understanding???? Why? Why should she? At the end of the day, she's screwed you AND her H around in this whole thing. She's not held up EITHER end of the deal...she's not remained faithful to her H...she's not left him for you...
Heck...imho, its WAAAAAY past the time for understanding from you...its time for some righteous anger and some serious "Time to take care of STAMPDADDY" feelings instead of living in the "what ifs" and "I understands".
From my perspective, she's wallowing in self-pity, and she's expecting someone to take care of all of this mess she created. She doesn't want to deal with it...she's not taking ANY real action...she's staying right where she's at.
Dude...if she wanted something to change...she would have CHANGED IT ALREADY.
Time to wake up and smell the cake-eater.
Heck...I'm getting angry, and this isn't even my problem!
That is where I DO wind up on the other side of my merry-go-round. I am trying and praying to leep me there longer, and it is working.. Eventually, I will stay there. Because you are right, and even she admits: SHE HAS DONE NOTHING either way. Here is my statement: "There are 2 of us in this "relationship", ME and YOU. Will I cant do a damned thing, and if I do, it causes problems for US.. And, well YOU won't do anything.. So, WE are pretty much nothing. And I will be damned if I am going to wait on HIM to dicatate where my life goes...
There IS no relationship. There isn't a her and you...there's just YOU, taking care of YOU, doing what YOU want/need to do.
She could never fully invest in a "her and you"...because she was also still (and still is to some degree) investing in a "her and her husband". It might not be much...but that's still the boat anchor that's prevented any forward movement.
The sooner you cut the rope on that anchor...the sooner you'll sail off and take care of yourself.
You don't have any choice on "waiting on HIM" as long as she's still CHOOSING to stay where she's MARRIED TO HIM. Its not optional...he's got say in your relationship for as long as he's part of the equation.
Why do you think that BS's INSIST the the OM/OW be cut loose as soon as possible????? Its the same thing...they don't want a 3rd party in THEIR relationship.
You're in that same triangle.
You need to get out of that triangle...and be an arrow pointed in YOUR OWN DIRECTION. Not dependent upon EITHER of the other two.
That's why I've kept harping on changing contact info and all to PREVENT you from staying in this situation.
The sooner you finally stop letting yourself get engaged...the sooner you can REALLY start to heal.
Stop the 'what ifs'...stop the "might have beens"...start seeing the "aint gonna happens" and the "this is where I need to go from here's".
I really am trying.. It is working. It is the hardest thing I have ever been faced with. And I can feel the tide changing. And it is very sad to think about how I cold end up feeling about her after i get there.. But, maybe I wont even think about her.. Boy, would that be nice, impossible, but nice. Just this past weekend, I spent all weekend in her freakin back yard at a Baseball Tournament.. from around 9am to 6 both days. Same fields here kids play on.. That sucked... BUT, it was a step... Made me mad, actually. Made me hate her for doing this to me
Hi SDiddy been thinking about you lately!! So glad to see you are coming into your own, I think you are coming around and this is good to see, painful, but ultimately good for you. Provided you are still intent on turning that page then you are on the right path.
I'm afraid the merry-go-round is common, it is not going to stop entirely until you become indifferent and can actually move on but it will slow down if you help it. Everytime you come by to post I do see progress and if you stay focused it will only keep getting you further down the line. The pain does become a duller ache as time passes, but you need that time to heal an it has to be with her in sight.
Allow yourself to feel negative emotions for her SD really allow yourself the luxury of thinking ill thoughts about her. Are you suppressing ill thoughts of her? Don't do that, be fair to yourself and try to balance things out, dig up your feelings of frustration and really allow yourself to feel those emotions. It's ok to feel anger rather than sorrow. It has to be balanced, do love her, do miss her do yern for her, but counter that with your feelings of resentment. It breaks the pattern in your brain and it really helps. What you want is to stop aching, don't you?
__________________ Stupidity follows me, but I run much faster...
That sucked... BUT, it was a step... Made me mad, actually. Made me hate her for doing this to me
GOOD!! This is good SD. Of course I don't advocate hating people, but it is important to balance out your emotions. You had been leaning too much towards the other way and at this point it would be to your own detriment to only focus on that, and we (by we I mean you and your super strength ) need to get you out of this dark cloud. Once you are out you will be able to feel naturally again and handle all the emtions. But for now you have to help those tendencies to only see the good because your brain is accustomed to pain right now and it tends to want to stay there.
woops and in my last post I meant
Quote:
The pain does become a duller ache as time passes, but you need that time to heal an it has to be with her in sight.
If the NC can really stick and both of you abide by it, YOU will feel better as time goes on. It's like you have no choice...I know this is corny and cliche, but time does heal all wounds..That and keeping busy, focussing on you, your kids, work, friends, family.. Oh and ofcourse all of us at LS.
Sorry that you're in alot of pain and I hope someday soon you can get a "feeling good" streak going.
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) need to get you out of this dark cloud. Once you are out you will be able to feel naturally again and handle all the emtions. But for now you have to help those tendencies to only see the good because your brain is accustomed to pain right now and it tends to want to stay there. 
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