After being here and participating in some discussions, looking at those marriages I have been involved with, and just through general information I hear or read... I really wonder, if people understand what a marriage is about. I wonder if they are too shortsighted and/or unready for what such a union entails. Do they live more so in a fairy tale than they realize? Are we even teaching our children anymore how to be a good spouse?
It is sad how bad people treat marriages (both from influences within and outside of the marriage) and the vows they say. It seems more like shows than anything real. A couple say they will love and cherish and obey (before anyone starts crying about how much of a slaver I am, or how I desire to mistreat my wife when I get married, REALLY GET TO UNDERSTAND THE WORD AND CONCEPT BEFORE YOU START BLESSING ME OUT! And if you think you got it or still are having problem with why I use the word, ASK ME WHAT MY IDEA ON THE WORD AND HOW IT RELATES TO MARRIAGE!), but do they REALLY understand what they are getting into? Have they taken the necessary steps to ensure a better chance at a successful union (a successful union being when one or both of the pair have died).
I mean, lets be honest... We really don't plan on being married like our fore-parents did. Most unions nowadays are to individuals living together as individuals than they are two individuals living together to become one entity. We teach ourselves we don't have to lose ourselves to our spouses (which on a basic, self-protective level, I would agree) or in our marriages in order to be married, but yet more and more people get divorced because, they can't see eye-to-eye. A certain habit has become a total annoyance and now we want to run. It seems like too many get married based on their dreams, but when the realities come to light, we don't want to face them.
To many get married based on the concept of "I love you" and chemistry. When, while important, really has little to do with why too people should get married. No, love and affection are actually insubstantial concepts that are made solid by DOING. This doing is an active process that requires a lot of parts, but the most important part is it being done with the honest attempt to make real to the other person, that which is in your heart, without a selfish motive or an attempt at a deceit. Surprisingly, more marriages than not of olden times had little to do with love initially, and more to do with finding someone who is going to be on the same page as you. But, through time and effort, love grew and grew and grew. And the more each learned to enjoy the good and accept the bad, this made marriages more successful than the thought which seems prevalent today; the thought that being married to this person will make me happy.
And so I wonder...
1) What does the vows mean to you? Are they real or fiction? Do they mean anything to you (please explain)?
2) What are your concepts of marriage? What does it really mean to you?
3) How many of you who are or were married, after you got married realized you really did not know what you were in for?
4) Do you believe that it is important to take certain steps prior to marriage to help have better odds for the survival of the marriage (i.e. you and your spouse getting to know each other's family and friends, counseling, sitting down and seriously discussing what are your expectations from the marriage, etc.)? If so, what are they?
5) What are the things you think are a must in a marriage?
1) What does the vows mean to you? Are they real or fiction? Do they mean anything to you (please explain)?
The vows to me are my word. They bind me to a standard to uphold. They are also a guideline for me to measure my actions and the actions of my spouse against should a need arise. And since I never make a vow half-heartedly, this makes the vows very real to me and mean everything to me as a man.
2) What are your concepts of marriage? What does it really mean to you?
I think marriage is about two people working on mutual grounds to achieve various goals in life. It is a very simple word that defines a very complex process for which two entities are suppose to be seen as one. Marriage means I am taking on a unique expression of love of another. It is possibly the ultimate version of "do onto others as you would have them do onto you." And that another person is now a physical, mental, and spiritual extension of myself. So, just like I would do whatever is good to protect myself, I am going to do more so for my spouse.
3) How many of you who are or were married, after you got married realized you really did not know what you were in for? What would you suggest to those of us who are one day getting married or hope to?
4) Do you believe that it is important to take certain steps prior to marriage to help have better odds for the survival of the marriage (i.e. you and your spouse getting to know each other's family and friends, counseling, sitting down and seriously discussing what are your expectations from the marriage, etc.)? If so, what are they?
I believe a successful marriage requires...
1) A high level of trust and openness.
2) A some common ground and desires.
3) Pre-marriage counseling and a few couples retreats.
4) A prior discussion about marriage before hand.
5) No eloping! I think it is important that family and friends get to intermingle with the spouse before hand so that you can also get some feed back from others who might see things you don't. Besides, I doubt really close family members and friends want to be forced to love a stranger.
6) Check things out about your SO before you get married. Check on things like finances, criminal background, and medical history.
5) What are the things you think are a must in a marriage?
1) Continual growth, nurturing, and maturity.
2) Communication, interaction, and reflection.
3) Designated time together and designated time alone.
4) No use of the word "I hate you." or threats of divorce when angry.
5) Compromise on things you can agree upon and submitting on the things you can't.
6) Respecting and cherishing each one's role and individualism they bring into the union.
7) A lot of putting your spouse above yourself.
8) Reminding yourself your spouse is an extension of you and you of them.
1) What do the vows mean to you? Are they real or fiction? Do they mean anything to you (please explain)?
oh, they're very real, both the bedrock and the parameters of the relationship I have with my husband. To break them would be to crack the foundation of our relationship ...
2) What are your concepts of marriage? What does it really mean to you?
marriage is that leap of faith you're taking with someone you won't ever really know 100 percent, but because you trust and believe in him and what you have, it's a worthwhile leap. What does it mean to me? That I've got someone who I can honestly say each and every day, "I chose you." And I'm pretty sure he can say the same thing of me ... despite the fact we *can* drive each other nuts
3) How many of you who are or were married, after you got married realized you really did not know what you were in for?
that leap of faith I was talking about? Well, it didn't take long for reality to come crashing in – especially when we were having some serious problems with his drinking – and I got to wondering what the hell I got myself into. As much as you can love and want someone, you still discover something new about them no matter how long you've been together.
4) Do you believe that it is important to take certain steps prior to marriage to help have better odds for the survival of the marriage (i.e. you and your spouse getting to know each other's family and friends, counseling, sitting down and seriously discussing what are your expectations from the marriage, etc.)? If so, what are they?
the best thing we did for our marriage was to go on a weekend marriage retreat, because I think he finally understood why I looked at marriage as I did, coming from a Mexican Catholic family. That I wasn't going to shxt-can him like his first two wives did ... I learned how to be more patient. And that weekend reinforced my thought that he was a diamond in the rough, relationship-wise. The other good thing – and this is something EVERY relationship needs to survive – is that we learned how to better communicate with each other. We learned that even though we get pissed off with each other, that bedrock of love doesn't change, it's solid.
5) What are the things you think are a must in a marriage?
companionship
forgiveness
trust
humor
patience
a willingness to put the other person first when needs be/selflessness
respect
love
laughter
curiosity/willingness to try or do new things or places
__________________ "It's the longest Hail Mary pass in the history of either football or Marys," said Rep. Barney Frank, one of the chief bailout negotiators.
Thanks for your advice. And faith is so needed, especially since we don't have crystal balls or the power of precognition that could foretell our marital futures. It is probably faith that is the key more so than love. Because we can love someone, but if we don't have faith/trust in their ability to return that kind of love we want and/or need, then its not going to work. This is why most marriages fail after an affair, the faith/trust is no longer there or the partner just can't get back up to that level were they can have that faith in that partner.
1. Without going deep into the rest of it (that would be an entire book), vows are just that and are meant and intended to be kept in my belief system and philosophy.
2. To me, marriage is the opportunity for two whole people to come together and enhance one another and their relationship.
3. I don't believe you ever know what you're in for until you're in the middle of it. That's half the challenge and the fun.
4. Friendship first!
5. Honesty, trust and friendship.
__________________
"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."
1) What does the vows mean to you? Are they real or fiction? Do they mean anything to you (please explain)?
Vows are mistakes people make. Because nobody knows what is going to happen in the future. They are not taking changes into account.
2) What are your concepts of marriage? What does it really mean to you?
Marriage is a deep connection and mutual support and understanding.
3) How many of you who are or were married, after you got married realized you really did not know what you were in for?
I knew what I was in for. And it lasted what it had to last.
4) Do you believe that it is important to take certain steps prior to marriage... If so, what are they?
I believe people should be together for as long as they want to, without any chains or expectations. That way everybody is happy and nobody gets disappointed.
I believe that attitude is the most important.
5) What are the things you think are a must in a marriage?
Nothing is a must. People get married for different reasons and all of them are important to the people involved.
WHAT DO THE VOWS MEAN TO YOU? ARE THEY REAL OR FICTION? DO THEY MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
Vows mean to me a covenant between 2 people and God. It sould mirror God's covenant with us. No matter what happens, what we do wrong, God never stops loving us or leaves us. He gets dissappointed in our actions, but he never leaves, he is patient. I believe that these bonds are real if the 2 people want them to be real, and are both going in the same direction(equally yoked). But when one person decides to lay down theire responsibility, things are going to go bad, fast. My vows meant everything. I took what he gave(and sometimes I was just as much an a*shole as he was) but I was always willing to work on impoving our relationship.
WHAT ARE THE CONCEPTS OF MARRIAGE? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO ME?
The concept of marriage for me is summed up in Ephesians 5:22-32. Of course most people know the first half of these verses, 22)wives submit yourself to your husbands. But that isn't all of it. There were some things put in there to protect the wife. She wasn't the only one how was supposed to submit, so was the the husband. He was told to love his wife as he loved himself. And we all know how much we love ourselves. We wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt ourselves, so why do something to hurt you spouse? It speaks of love and respect from both parties.
Love for me comes from I Corinthains 13:4-11. " Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perserveres. Love never fails." I especially like the ending to this. "When I was a child, I tlaked like a child, and I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, but when I became a man(woman)I put childish things behind me." We don't do this as adults. We are so busy keeping score of what someone did to us, we just want to get them back in some way. That's what kids do, "THEY DID SOMETHING TO ME FIRST,OR THEY MADE ME MAD AND I PUNCHED EM." I believe we do it because it is the easiest thing to do. That's what kids do, what is easiest when they don't know how to deal with a situation they don't like. But we aren't kids are we?
__________________
Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
WHAT DO THE VOWS MEAN TO YOU? ARE THEY REAL OR FICTION? DO THEY MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
Vows mean to me a covenant between 2 people and God. It should mirror God's covenant with us. No matter what happens, what we do wrong, God never stops loving us or leaves us. He gets disappointed in our actions, but he never leaves, he is patient. I believe that these bonds are real if the 2 people want them to be real, and are both going in the same direction(equally yoked). But when one person decides to lay down their responsibility, things are going to go bad, fast. My vows meant everything. I took what he gave(and sometimes I was just as much an a*shole as he was) but I was always willing to work on improving our relationship.
WHAT ARE THE CONCEPTS OF MARRIAGE? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO ME?
The concept of marriage for me is summed up in Ephesians 5:22-32. Of course most people know the first half of these verses, 22)wives submit yourself to your husbands. But that isn't all of it. There were some things put in there to protect the wife. She wasn't the only one how was supposed to submit, so was the the husband. He was told to love his wife as he loved himself. And we all know how much we love ourselves. We wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt ourselves, so why do something to hurt you spouse? It speaks of love and respect from both parties.
Love for me comes from I Corinthians 13:4-11. " Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres. Love never fails." I especially like the ending to this. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, and I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, but when I became a man(woman)I put childish things behind me." We don't do this as adults. We are so busy keeping score of what someone did to us, we just want to get them back in some way. That's what kids do, "THEY DID SOMETHING TO ME FIRST,OR THEY MADE ME MAD AND I PUNCHED EM." I believe we do it because it is the easiest thing to do. That's what kids do, what is easiest when they don't know how to deal with a situation they don't like. But we aren't kids are we?
HOW MANY OF YOU WHO ARE/WERE MARRIED REALIZED THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE IN FOR?
I think no of us knew in the beginning. We thought we were playing house. We believed that if we just did things the opposite of our parents(because of course our parents knew nothing)we would be fine. My dad told us that marriage is what you make it. And he was so right. Of course for us it was some old foggy concept. We wouldn't be like that, we were in LLLLLOOOOOVVVVVEEEE . NOT! we were in passion, in lust. We had no concept of what real love was. We thought that if the Cosby's could do it(yeah I know they aren't real, but I think most people don't have a real concept of marriage)we could do it. We didn't realize that you had to be committed to working on things when they don't go your way. I held grudges, he thought he was superior, that isn't how you make a strong successful marriage. We had not a clue. And when the first child came, Lord, we were in an even bigger mess. To immature people with a child.
SHOULD THERE BE STEPS TAKEN BEFORE MARRIAGE TO ENSURE SUCCESS.
There should be steps taken, which we did. We did the pre-marital counseling, we knew each others families very well. Two different SES, so that was a challenge that we learned to work through. But we didn't discuss the important stuff, finances, household responsibilities, what was expected from each spouse, what each ones needs where(physical, emotional, spiritual) and we talked about having children, but not child rearing duties or styles. Those are all things that made the marriage even more difficult.
WHAT DO I BELIEVE IS A MUST IN A MARRIAGE?
God first
Respect
honor
commitment
hard work
understanding
gentleness
concern for you partner and what they go through
cooperation
compromise
the willingness to apologize and forgive
communication, communication, communication
willingness to seek help when needed
fortitude
honesty
humor/fun(you have to be willing to laugh at yourselves
true partnership
and remembering how you felt the day you made those vows(that will remind you what you committed to and why you did)
WHAT DO THE VOWS MEAN TO YOU? ARE THEY REAL OR FICTION? DO THEY MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
Vows mean to me a covenant between 2 people and God. It sould mirror God's covenant with us. No matter what happens, what we do wrong, God never stops loving us or leaves us. He gets dissappointed in our actions, but he never leaves, he is patient. I believe that these bonds are real if the 2 people want them to be real, and are both going in the same direction(equally yoked). But when one person decides to lay down theire responsibility, things are going to go bad, fast. My vows meant everything. I took what he gave(and sometimes I was just as much an a*shole as he was) but I was always willing to work on impoving our relationship.
WHAT ARE THE CONCEPTS OF MARRIAGE? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO ME?
The concept of marriage for me is summed up in Ephesians 5:22-32. Of course most people know the first half of these verses, 22)wives submit yourself to your husbands. But that isn't all of it. There were some things put in there to protect the wife. She wasn't the only one how was supposed to submit, so was the the husband. He was told to love his wife as he loved himself. And we all know how much we love ourselves. We wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt ourselves, so why do something to hurt you spouse? It speaks of love and respect from both parties.
Love for me comes from I Corinthains 13:4-11. " Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perserveres. Love never fails." I especially like the ending to this. "When I was a child, I tlaked like a child, and I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, but when I became a man(woman)I put childish things behind me." We don't do this as adults. We are so busy keeping score of what someone did to us, we just want to get them back in some way. That's what kids do, "THEY DID SOMETHING TO ME FIRST,OR THEY MADE ME MAD AND I PUNCHED EM." I believe we do it because it is the easiest thing to do. That's what kids do, what is easiest when they don't know how to deal with a situation they don't like. But we aren't kids are we?
1) What does the vows mean to you? Are they real or fiction? Do they mean anything to you (please explain)?
I think 'vows' are a religious concept only... they mean nothing anymore.. since religion means nothing anymore to a lot of people..
2) What are your concepts of marriage? What does it really mean to you?
This concept is not realistic IMO.. I just can't think that two people can 'swear' to never love anyone else, and be faithful for the rest of their lives.. it's just not reasonable... IMO.
3) How many of you who are or were married, after you got married realized you really did not know what you were in for?
Never got married and never will..
4) Do you believe that it is important to take certain steps prior to marriage to help have better odds for the survival of the marriage (i.e. you and your spouse getting to know each other's family and friends, counseling, sitting down and seriously discussing what are your expectations from the marriage, etc.)? If so, what are they?
n/a
5) What are the things you think are a must in a marriage?
n/a
__________________ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
What I think gets mistaken here is though yes there is a higher divorce rate that does not mean that marriages are necc happier or unhappier than decades past. What has changed is the change in the stigma of divorce. There have always been extra maritial affairs and I would wage that there were actually alot more decades past since divorce was not an option. One just made due in the situation they were in.
Marriages were based more on financial and status reasons so the connection and loyalty was tenious. Yes they family stayed together but the affairs happened.
Marriage may be based, for many, on the words of God, but in reality it is too humans that either communicate well and are can change with the times or not. Many wax on here, with rose tinted lenses, how amazing socity was back in the day and how much more responsible people were in their marriages. But if you look at the famous authors in the previous decades, shoot look at Mary Shelly or Wordsworth, there were gender issues, gay relationships, affairs, etc. Everything we deal with right now.
What has changed is the prioritizing of happiness over status. Status was the top priority for all societies until the recent few decades. Women were groomed to find (or to be set up with) the right husband. Men were groomed with the same idea though each sex had different ideals. It was about advancing each family through the marriage union.
Yes I think our society has issues and we still have a long way to go to happy and healthy unions but I chuckle at the poetic musings of days long gone. They are are really no different than today. Humans are humans and these issues are fundamental issues. There is nothing special about today that hasn't been lamented, argued, fought for/against, etc in centuries past.
The ID versus the EGO has always created drama and thusly amazing acts of literature, art, and war.
What I think gets mistaken here is though yes there is a higher divorce rate that does not mean that marriages are necc happier or unhappier than decades past. What has changed is the change in the stigma of divorce. There have always been extra maritial affairs and I would wage that there were actually alot more decades past since divorce was not an option. One just made due in the situation they were in.
Marriages were based more on financial and status reasons so the connection and loyalty was tenious. Yes they family stayed together but the affairs happened.
Marriage may be based, for many, on the words of God, but in reality it is too humans that either communicate well and are can change with the times or not. Many wax on here, with rose tinted lenses, how amazing socity was back in the day and how much more responsible people were in their marriages. But if you look at the famous authors in the previous decades, shoot look at Mary Shelly or Wordsworth, there were gender issues, gay relationships, affairs, etc. Everything we deal with right now.
What has changed is the prioritizing of happiness over status. Status was the top priority for all societies until the recent few decades. Women were groomed to find (or to be set up with) the right husband. Men were groomed with the same idea though each sex had different ideals. It was about advancing each family through the marriage union.
Yes I think our society has issues and we still have a long way to go to happy and healthy unions but I chuckle at the poetic musings of days long gone. They are are really no different than today. Humans are humans and these issues are fundamental issues. There is nothing special about today that hasn't been lamented, argued, fought for/against, etc in centuries past.
The ID versus the EGO has always created drama and thusly amazing acts of literature, art, and war.
Yes, for centuries before and it will continue for centuries after.
1) What does the vows mean to you? Are they real or fiction? Do they mean anything to you (please explain)?
Vows are mistakes people make. Because nobody knows what is going to happen in the future. They are not taking changes into account.
No one knows the future. And if we are suppose to make a decision of entering ANY vow (which is the same contract, lease, application or what have you) based on our ability to foresee the future or take into account, EVERY change that happens in the universe, then your right, it is a big mistake. But it is good thing I don't have the power of precognition... how much fun would life be then?
2) What are your concepts of marriage? What does it really mean to you?
Marriage is a deep connection and mutual support and understanding.
3) How many of you who are or were married, after you got married realized you really did not know what you were in for?
I knew what I was in for. And it lasted what it had to last.
4) Do you believe that it is important to take certain steps prior to marriage... If so, what are they?
I believe people should be together for as long as they want to, without any chains or expectations. That way everybody is happy and nobody gets disappointed.
If I had to live like that, then I would not enjoy life. These are the ideals that people who are afraid to live, afraid to take a chance, afraid to be hurt use to define happiness. But, I'll tell you from time immortal, how can one distinguished from what makes someone happy? How can one really determine if they are happy without having sadness or loss? It would be like a me playing chess against an opponent that has no hope in winning. It is those very "chains of expectation" that makes life worth living and loving.
I believe that attitude is the most important.
5) What are the things you think are a must in a marriage?
Nothing is a must. People get married for different reasons and all of them are important to the people involved.
So it is okay that spouse does not have honesty to you? Or that they lie to you, especially on things of life and death? Is it okay they decide that they don't want to work?
Marriage is no different than any other contract we sign. All it is is a binding of what and how the marriage will be conducted. Now, what each partner does is us their talents and abilities to live up to those words. Just like an employee signs a contract with a company, it is expected that for their pay and benefits, this person will show up on time, do their job to the best of their ability, adopt to the way of the company, and to grow with the company. Failing to do so limits the growth of that company (yes one person can affect the growth of any company) and thus the growth of that employee. And vice versa, the more the employee grows, hopefully the company can grow with the employee. Now if the employees is a constant failure and it would be wiser to let that person go, that employee is fired. Or if something happens within that company and that employee can no longer work there, they leave. This is no different with marriage. The company and employee is are those spouses among each other.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
) but I was always willing to work on impoving our relationship.
)we would be fine. My dad told us that marriage is what you make it. And he was so right. Of course for us it was some old foggy concept. We wouldn't be like that, we were in LLLLLOOOOOVVVVVEEEE
. NOT! we were in passion, in lust. We had no concept of what real love was. We thought that if the Cosby's could do it(yeah I know they aren't real, but I think most people don't have a real concept of marriage)we could do it. We didn't realize that you had to be committed to working on things when they don't go your way. I held grudges, he thought he was superior, that isn't how you make a strong successful marriage. We had not a clue. And when the first child came, Lord, we were in an even bigger mess. To immature people with a child.
Linear Mode
