Some of you may recall from odd postings that last year I had a bi three-way with my gay best friend, and this incredibly hot guy that we picked up. Hey, we all have our moments of wanting to experiment - lol. Never did it before, or since, and have NO regrets. If you are the type to judge bi-sexuality, or are too close-minded to understand these dynamics, then please stop reading now.
The guy that we met was incredible. 6'2", 250 pounds of Michelin Man muscle, works as a special unit cop. We are the same religion, same politics, same family background and structure, same education, same sense of humor, enjoy the same food, same music - you get the point. Core values AND social compatibility. And yes, the sexual chemistry was insane. Suffice to say we had mad passion and a great connection.
After our mad 3-way, we went out on a date. We had fun, but I could tell that he was a bit guarded and reserved. He told me later what bothers him about me is that I am the ONLY woman who has ever known his "deep dark secret" of being bi. He lives his life as a straight man, and dabbles with men when he gets the urge, and it is something he ALWAYS hides from the women he dates (and everyone else!). He said with me there was absolutely NO mystery, since I knew the biggest thing about him. Kind of like an instant reveal, and instant "too much sharing." He said it made him uncomfortable.
We didn't see each other after that night.
Since then, he appears from time to time. It has been a year and a half. He turns up in odd places - usually different online environments that we both frequent, or an odd random texting or email. Then we have a brief "how are you?" catch up kind of thing, or marvel at the irony of how we keep crossing paths. And that's it. The latest thing is that I had found out he had posted pics of he and I online. I called him out on it, and that amounted to 3 weeks of him apologizing and asking forgiveness.
Well, tonight I put an ad up on a dating site (yes, Baller is gone, and I am chosing NOT to say committed while he is away, and I don't want to talk further on that - lol). And who is on the site? Yep. This guy.
So, I couldn't help myself. I got this overwhelming urge. I sent him a text:
Me: Nice profile on xxx! Thanks for not posting my pics there. lol
Him: Ha! Thank you. and I learned my lesson about that! Well im single now, and looking for a nice girl! You on there?
Me: Yep
Him: I have not seen you...send me an email...
Me: ? Y?
Him: So I can see your profile!
Me: Im not ur type! 2 much in common and 2 much chemistry. lol. Weird. if I didn’t recognize your nickname from your email I never would have picked u out! totally 4got what u looked like.
Him: Ha! Send me a msg on there...wanna see your profile!
Well, I didn't respond. About 2 minutes later, he IM's me:
Him: you look beautiful!
Me: thanks. Did you forget what I look like?
Him: kinda. You really look beautiful though.
Me:I really didn't know it was you in the profile at all except by your email handle on it
Him: really? you didn’t know it was me? you do look great.
Me: lol. I guess you forgot I had a head. All the pics you have of me are from the neck down. lol
Him: I always thought you were beautiful.
Me: no, I seriously wouldnt have
recognized you
Him: all my pics of you are from
the neck down
Me: lol
Him: still think im attractive?!?!
Me: does it matter?
Him: yes
Me: why? you need an ego stroke from me? Im sure you get plenty of
attention
Him: no, just nice to know i guess...
Me: well Im sure plenty of women validate you
Me: my opinion doesnt rate - lol
Him: i really didnt mean for anything like that to happen by the way...hope you have forgiven me
Me: forgiven you for what?
Him: nevermind...so how have you been?
Me: no wait
Me: forgiven you for posting our pics online?
Me: or forgiven you for being an a**hat for not wanting to date me, considering we have so much in common?
Me: Im not sure which offense you mean - lol
Him: look...i didnt, i think someone used them...i did send them to someone before, but didnt post them
Him: owch...double owch...
Me: its like you show up everywhere
Me: yet, you still dont get it! lol
Me: so I am sure the young girls are loving you on xxx!
Him: easy now... just got started here... looking for something serious at this point in life... hopefully meet nice people on here!
Me: well youll do fine
Me: I have to run
Me: so, good luck on xxx!
Him: talk soon...
Yes, I know I was confrontational. But I harbor a LOT of resentment and hurt from this guy. Even now as I type, I feel a pit in my stomach. The rejection he dealt me and aborted dating me still stings. But the reality of our dynamic is that we had crazy chemistry, and he shows up somehow in my life every few months. He hasn't dated anyone more than 3-4 months since I've met him.
The reason I am so bitter is that I KNOW he feels the same way, but I also know he is so closeted about his bisexuality, that he hates the fact that I know his secret. THE secret that he doesn't even like to admit to himself! It's intensely frustrating, because I see it as I would think he would be relieved that he met someone he so clicks with and yet fully accepts his "secret". Instead, he pushes me away since he doesn't want to admit to himself that he is bi.
I really think if we hadn't met as we did, and I didn't know about him being bi, we'd be married. lol.
Just friggin blows BIG TIME.
__________________ "He's what you call man pretty."
Wow. So this guy runs from being honest and prefers to play the mystery man. WTF is wrong with him?
Him being BI is not an issue, yet he's made it out to be one, especially with you.
You can do two things - Tell him exactly what you said here and how confused, pissed off you are, how he made you feel when he blew you off - Or just move on. But, ask yourself this, IS this guy worth the effort? He sounds kind of messed up.
What an emotional mind game...
The guy seems pretty out of it. But you're a strong girl Jilly, and it was the feelings at the time of the im that got you feeling mad. Suppose you two were to get together, I doubt that he will lead an honest life.
If he dates you he knows he can't keep it a secret that he goes sneaks and bees with guys.
So he'd rather be with someone who doesn't know so that he can still go be with a guy on the side.
Wow. So this guy runs from being honest and prefers to play the mystery man. WTF is wrong with him?
Him being BI is not an issue, yet he's made it out to be one, especially with you.
You can do two things - Tell him exactly what you said here and how confused, pissed off you are, how he made you feel when he blew you off - Or just move on. But, ask yourself this, IS this guy worth the effort? He sounds kind of messed up.
Well, he runs from accepting who he really is. His pattern is that when he feels the need to be with a guy, he dumps the girl he's dating, goes and has his fun, then finds someone new to date. Exhausting cycle.
Agreed his bisexuality was not an issue, but he certainly has made it one in his life.
I actually wrote a very honest letter to him last year telling him this AND MORE. He had not much to say on it. The whole topic he runs from. It's like he would like me to forget what I saw him do.
He is one hot mess for sure, WW.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sublime Intervention
Here's my theory. He's gay. I really think he's just downright gay and didn't want to tell you that upfront. He doesn't want to come out, of course, he wants to get married and have kids and hide the fact that he's gay for the rest of his life, even to his future wife. He doesn't want to get serious with you because you already know he digs guys in a special way, you would always know that, so it could come up later as an insecurity issue in the relationship.
So, that is why he stopped dating you before. Because he knows he can never marry you and hide his secret forever.
Could be. I'm not him, so I can't say how deep his attraction for men goes. That's a whole OTHER topic - lol. But, I do know he choses to live his life as a straight guy, who wants to get married and settle down. Thing is, he's been telling me since we met that he wants to settle down and have kids. Nothing changes.
But you're right. He hates that I know the secret.
Quote:
Originally Posted by xpaperxcutx
What an emotional mind game...
The guy seems pretty out of it. But you're a strong girl Jilly, and it was the feelings at the time of the im that got you feeling mad. Suppose you two were to get together, I doubt that he will lead an honest life.
Well, thing is X, if we were together - he wouldn't HAVE to be dishonest. I accepted his sexuality, and I wouldn't have prevented his affairs. He could have had it all - the great wife to the public, but also the one who accepts his "needs".
If he dates you he knows he can't keep it a secret that he goes sneaks and bees with guys.
So he'd rather be with someone who doesn't know so that he can still go be with a guy on the side.
Atleast taht's what I'm thinking is going on.
Well yes, exactly. Thing is, I'm not sure he understands I would have had no problem with him still seeing men. It wouldn't bother me. But his bi-ness causes him his own self-loathing and issues on its own. Who needs me enabling it, right?
That is what the issue is ultimately. Did he mention wanting to go out on the IM? It couldn't hurt just going out for a drink or something.
No, not at all did he! That's the thing that pisses me off. Also annoyed the hell out of me that he asked me flat out if I still found him attractive. WTF? In all seriousness, few women WOULDN'T find him attractive and he knows it. Honestly, he's more handsome than I remembered. I sent his pics from the profile to my best friend (the gay one) and even said he didn't remember him being that beautiful. Ok, Im rambling on the beauty of the man who doesn't want me - lol.
Believe me, Sublime, if he even HINTED at seeing me, I would have been all over it. One hot mess that he is and all... He just doesn't want to date me.
Ugh. This blows. It's sucks when you have a real connection with someone, but for whatever reason, it can't work out.
Just remember that his reaction towards you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. And unfortunately, you have no power over that.
Still, I'm sorry.
Aw, thanks PG. And I know you're right. If it was about me, then he would be happy with someone else by now. King of the 3-4 month relationships is all he can handle, then he has to go get his GUY on, then he starts all over with some new chick. Pity he can't see that what would set him free is right in front of him.
Then again, maybe he feels that if he was with me, my acceptance and tolerance of his lifestyle might leave the door TOO open, and he's afraid of who or what he would become with no boundaries placed on him. Know what I mean? Like I'd be a gateway to him REALLY acting out. Who the hell knows. All I know if that he has now ruined my online dating experience on that site. Fuc*er.
Seems like you could get him to be mono. Not sure what the big deal is for him.
LOL. Would you please talk to him?
And no, I couldn't get him to be straight, nor would I want to. It's odd, Johan. PLENTY of guys I meet, date and want to change. This one - I was so accepting of his bisexuality. To me, it was just another part of him, and I have always been ridiculously smitten by everything about it. His bi-ness was just part of the package, I guess.
His big deal is that since he won't cheat on a GF, he always dumps them when he needs to get some di*k, so at this rate, and this pattern, he will continue to have 3 month relationships, drop them, go fling with some dude, then start up to find a new woman and start it all over again.
Johan - why do you think he was asking me if I still found him attractive? What was that about? Ego? I didn't see the point of it.
Silly girl. He wanted to start something up with you again. You just stiff-armed him.
How do you figure that? He made NO moves to do so! Believe me, Johan. This guy has my number, address, email and a variety of nude pics to whet his appetite from our steamy night together. He has had plenty of opportunities to reconnect.
Deep breath, Bean. lol
OK, how did you get the feeling that he was trying to start something up with me? Am I THAT clueless and blinded by rage?
Him: you look beautiful!(unsolicited).
You: blah, forget, blah, blah
Him: You really look beautiful though.
You: blah, profile, blah, blah
Him: blah, blah, blah... you do look great.
You: blah, pictures, blah, blah
Him: I always thought you were beautiful.
...
Him: still think im attractive?!?! (i.e. would you...?)
You: does it matter?
Him: yes
You: blah, ego insult, blah, blah
Him: [ah! Got it! Never mind.]
Him: you look beautiful!(unsolicited).
You: blah, forget, blah, blah
Him: You really look beautiful though.
You: blah, profile, blah, blah
Him: blah, blah, blah... you do look great.
You: blah, pictures, blah, blah
Him: I always thought you were beautiful.
...
Him: still think im attractive?!?! (i.e. would you...?)
You: does it matter?
Him: yes
You: blah, ego insult, blah, blah
Him: [ah! Got it! Never mind.]
LOL. Thanks for bolding it out for me. It's always good to get a (rational) perspective other than my own.
Honestly, I was always a little mistrustful of his flattery, as I think a bit of it is tied to making sure he doesn't piss me off so that I "out" him. When I found out he posted our pics online, he knew I was wicked pissed, and he was after me for weeks to ensure I wasn't tweaking. I just felt it was more about keeping me calm, than really being upset I was mad. Maybe fair, maybe not.
But when I said I wasn't his type since we had too much chemistry and too much in common, he had a golden moment to refute that and make a move. He also had a chance to make a move when I brought up his experience on the dating site. I think he had a few good chances to say something beside I was pretty. Bleh.
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