I'm 18 months out of an EA with an MM who ended our 15 months relationship with sudden, crushing silence. I have cried every single day since then, and have sunk emotionally pretty much as low as one can. It's not even about him any more most days - I'm too overwhelmed with hopelessness even to rouse those feelings much of the time. On more clear eyed days I do miss him and grieve deeply the loss of my friend. Always there is the need to get past the experience without knowing precisely what the experience was because of his manner of leaving our relationship. I don't know what I'm getting over, and it's haunted me emotionally and eroded my trust in my own judgment and perception.
I'm a strong person whose life circumstances and life choices have required endurance, resiliance, independance and personal strength. But this time, I'm tired. So tired. Everything is out of place: I can't sleep properly, I've lost weight, I've gained weight, there is no colour in anything, the stresses in my life get worse because I'm too overwhelmed to attend to the simplest things. I've become isolated socially and for reasons too complicated to go into my immediate family is not a support resource I can tap.
Every day is a such a struggle to get control of the simplest things. I think about suicide, and though I would NEVER EVER actually do it it makes me sad that my life has come to this. The notion of any path from here to somewhere I once again feel peace, fulfillment, contentment, adventure, love etc. etc. seems comically fantastic.
I realize I'm describing depression, but I can't seem to find my way out this time. There are meds and counselling etc. and I've been down those roads before without much result. How do I untangle all this? How do I distill my loss into something I can understand and move past with just the little information I have? In this lonely and joyless place I've arrived at I've realized just how active a task falling out of love actually is. You have to mentally and emotionally choose it and jettison love for and loyalty to that person from your heart. This continues to be monumentally difficult for me. When I feel anything at all, I feel only grief.
I could ramble on much longer, but I'll spare you all and just ask for strength and insight from those who have been there or those who haven't but understand the place I am in anyway. Can't seem to get out. Please send hugs and GPS.
As a BS who has spent years building a life and a family, you have just described the last several years of my life. Each day is your own. Choose it as you see fit. There is actually a life out there for everyone, provided we look for a window when a door is closed. Good Luck to you, IWWH
__________________ "It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan." – Eleanor Roosevelt
81West, I've been there and to an extent still am there, although enough time has passed that I have to allow myself to feel heartbroken.
Patience, time, more time, and more patience. There is no secret. You just have to ride it out. Hopefully someone will come along for you who will push those feeling out of your heart. Hasn't happened for me, it may happen for you.
I literally feel the same pain you feel, and it isn't nice. Take deep breaths, and do what you can lady. As with all things, this too will pass eventually.
I'm 18 months out of an EA with an MM who ended our 15 months relationship with sudden, crushing silence. I have cried every single day since then, and have sunk emotionally pretty much as low as one can. It's not even about him any more most days - I'm too overwhelmed with hopelessness even to rouse those feelings much of the time. On more clear eyed days I do miss him and grieve deeply the loss of my friend. Always there is the need to get past the experience without knowing precisely what the experience was because of his manner of leaving our relationship. I don't know what I'm getting over, and it's haunted me emotionally and eroded my trust in my own judgment and perception.
I'm a strong person whose life circumstances and life choices have required endurance, resiliance, independance and personal strength. But this time, I'm tired. So tired. Everything is out of place: I can't sleep properly, I've lost weight, I've gained weight, there is no colour in anything, the stresses in my life get worse because I'm too overwhelmed to attend to the simplest things. I've become isolated socially and for reasons too complicated to go into my immediate family is not a support resource I can tap.
Every day is a such a struggle to get control of the simplest things. I think about suicide, and though I would NEVER EVER actually do it it makes me sad that my life has come to this. The notion of any path from here to somewhere I once again feel peace, fulfillment, contentment, adventure, love etc. etc. seems comically fantastic.
I realize I'm describing depression, but I can't seem to find my way out this time. There are meds and counselling etc. and I've been down those roads before without much result. How do I untangle all this? How do I distill my loss into something I can understand and move past with just the little information I have? In this lonely and joyless place I've arrived at I've realized just how active a task falling out of love actually is. You have to mentally and emotionally choose it and jettison love for and loyalty to that person from your heart. This continues to be monumentally difficult for me. When I feel anything at all, I feel only grief.
I could ramble on much longer, but I'll spare you all and just ask for strength and insight from those who have been there or those who haven't but understand the place I am in anyway. Can't seem to get out. Please send hugs and GPS.
81West,
I understand. I was right where you are a couple of weeks ago. Mine was both an EA and PA for 28 years. You need someone to talk to - if not a C then find someone who you can confide in who will not judge.
I am no where near over my Xmm - he is actually on vacation with his W right now - and I am dealing with that. The A ended May 25 and he went NC after calling the PD on July 3 - couldn't tell me himself - had to have a detective do it for him. Kept telling me right up until that day that he loved me and could never be without me in his life.
I am taking it one day at a time - actually - one hour at a time. I have NEVER been through anything like this before and I can assure you I have been in some very low places in my life but NOTHING that hurt this bad or consumed my life the way that this has. I spent an entire week where I could not even get out of bed.
The only thing that helps is being able to talk to my therapist without being judged and posting to and reading this LS. There are some wonderful folks here - who have been down this road. Write when you can, read as often as you can. Find a book to read - there are several listed here on this LS.
Don't be afraid to talk to yourself - look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are going to be okay!
I am now able to get through at least an hour or two where I don't think about him.
Hi , I know you wrote that you tried meds before... But I would suggest you get to a docter and aleast get yourself on a very light dose. There are many different kinds. I too have been in your darkness. All I wanted to do was sleep, would not go out of the house for days, went down to a size 2.. Im 5 '9!! Almost lost my career. I went on meds for serveral months, I am not a big fan of meds, but I will say this, i was able to get out again, focus on work, eat and gain weight, now a size 6 again. They helped me regain my strength, so i could find me again.....So please, get to the doctor, sometimes in life we all could use a little help, its on temporary.... ((HUGS))
I understand. I was right where you are a couple of weeks ago. Mine was both an EA and PA for 28 years. You need someone to talk to - if not a C then find someone who you can confide in who will not judge.
I am no where near over my Xmm - he is actually on vacation with his W right now - and I am dealing with that. The A ended May 25 and he went NC after calling the PD on July 3 - couldn't tell me himself - had to have a detective do it for him. Kept telling me right up until that day that he loved me and could never be without me in his life.
I am taking it one day at a time - actually - one hour at a time. I have NEVER been through anything like this before and I can assure you I have been in some very low places in my life but NOTHING that hurt this bad or consumed my life the way that this has. I spent an entire week where I could not even get out of bed.
The only thing that helps is being able to talk to my therapist without being judged and posting to and reading this LS. There are some wonderful folks here - who have been down this road. Write when you can, read as often as you can. Find a book to read - there are several listed here on this LS.
Don't be afraid to talk to yourself - look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are going to be okay!
I am now able to get through at least an hour or two where I don't think about him.
We are here for you. Hang in there.
Kamikaze, I see you only have 93 posts! Get posting woman! Otherwise I may start asking you personal questions on this very public forum. Tell me what day your exMM gets back in town. I'm just dying to know
81west,
Please take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, visit beautiful, scenic places, and move on sweetheart. Nobody on this planet is worth the pain you are suffering now. Big hugs to you. Make your life happy.
__________________
Glamour is in the soul...
Last edited by White Flower; 11th July 2008 at 2:49 AM.
I think you need to go see your doctor immediately and he will prescribe you meds. I don't think (as you say yourself) that this is all about your exMM anymore, and the severity of the way you are feeling is completely out of kilter with the timeframe that has passed....you can always feel sad, sure, as a shock and heartbreak takes time to get over, but by now that should be one little part of you, and instead its totally ruling your life. You sound in a very bad place and depression wont go away without help, so get to the doctor, and to a counsellor.
Regular exercise will make a definite difference too due to the alterations in brain chemistry that occur when you exercise.
I would then also commit 100% to changing things about your life that get you out of this situation: volunteering, gym, new hobbies, travel, spending money on new gifts for yourself, taking a course, dating with an open mind....there's a whole incredible life out there waiting for you but right now with the depression I understand that you can't/aren't able to see or exploit any of that. Whatever you choose to do, its clear you cant continue how you are.
And the guy didnt give you closure, but....you need to move on. He's a totally toxic, selfish person and you are LUCKY to have this guy out of your life. You are LUCKY to be out of a soul destroying R with an MM...and he was NEVER your friend. Your self worth is in no way related to this man, but you seem to think this is all your worth depends on.
Kamikaze, I see you only have 93 posts! Get posting woman! Otherwise I may start asking you personal questions on this very public forum. Tell me what day your exMM gets back in town. I'm just dying to know
81west,
Please take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, visit beautiful, scenic places, and move on sweetheart. Nobody on this planet is worth the pain you are suffering now. Big hugs to you. Make your life happy.
Hi White Flower,
I have joined the LS as a full member - so, you can now send me a PM.
I was about to make that same suggestion about excersise and changing habits myself...those are some of the best steps you can take in order to treat yourself for depression and stress/anxiety.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
Kamikaze, I see you only have 93 posts! Get posting woman! Otherwise I may start asking you personal questions on this very public forum. Tell me what day your exMM gets back in town. I'm just dying to know
He may already be back - I have no idea. He will not be back at work until Monday, however. I plan to stay NC. If he wants contact he will need to contact me. He has tracked me down before - but, of course now he knows where I am.
As a BS who has spent years building a life and a family, you have just described the last several years of my life. Each day is your own. Choose it as you see fit. There is actually a life out there for everyone, provided we look for a window when a door is closed. Good Luck to you, IWWH
Thanks! I'll just leap out of bed then and seize the day, knowing how much worse BS's have it.
I think you need to go see your doctor immediately and he will prescribe you meds. I don't think (as you say yourself) that this is all about your exMM anymore, and the severity of the way you are feeling is completely out of kilter with the timeframe that has passed....you can always feel sad, sure, as a shock and heartbreak takes time to get over, but by now that should be one little part of you, and instead its totally ruling your life. You sound in a very bad place and depression wont go away without help, so get to the doctor, and to a counsellor.
Regular exercise will make a definite difference too due to the alterations in brain chemistry that occur when you exercise.
I would then also commit 100% to changing things about your life that get you out of this situation: volunteering, gym, new hobbies, travel, spending money on new gifts for yourself, taking a course, dating with an open mind....there's a whole incredible life out there waiting for you but right now with the depression I understand that you can't/aren't able to see or exploit any of that. Whatever you choose to do, its clear you cant continue how you are.
And the guy didnt give you closure, but....you need to move on. He's a totally toxic, selfish person and you are LUCKY to have this guy out of your life. You are LUCKY to be out of a soul destroying R with an MM...and he was NEVER your friend. Your self worth is in no way related to this man, but you seem to think this is all your worth depends on.
Good luck!
Thanks TS. Such good advice. However...
When this first happened last year I was confused, devastated, empty and numb all at once. I knew I needed some serious self care to make it through and come out the other side stronger and wiser. When I couldn't sleep I went out and pampered myself with two new pillows and one of those tempurpedic-like foam toppers, and some linen spray. A couple hundred dollars, but it helped.
I bought a book about mending a broken heart in 30 days and followed all the steps. One day assigned a project for a sense of accomplishment, so I organized my shed and spent several hundred dollars on shelving and other tool organizers. It looked great and was a project long overdue. I bought and read another book on abandonment.
I started going to my gym (YMCA) regularly and paid for the enhanced membership that gave me access to an adult only change room with a hot tub, steamroom and other little luxuries. I changed my eating and arrived over time at a place of greatly improved health and fitness. I took up ice skating again after a couple of decades, and really enjoyed the late fall and early winter more than I have in years.
I needed something concretely new in my life to divide the past from future, so I redid my kitchen and dining room - painted walls and cupboards, changed hardware, art, accessories, added some glass shelving and bought new dining furniture. It was a much needed change, though a bit pricey for my single mom budget.
I enrolled in a couple of courses from a distace ed university towards a degree I'd like to get someday - another $1000 dollars on credit. I volunteered to create a website for a local non profit group and met with them extensively.
I took up cold process soap making after buying and loving a luxurious handmade bar at a farmer's market, and dove into a wonderful, challenging and rewarding new hobby. I spent some time nurturing a friendship with a new female friend to try to break the social isolation I feel away from work.
I was still somewhat numb and still crying parts of every day, but after almost a year I decided I was ready to date again. So I did. And that's when I crashed, utterly and completely. I was not over him, this very specific individual, and the special relationship we had. He would not be replaced easily, and perhaps not ever. I was not over the vertigo of being jettisoned without warning or explanation. My trust in my own judgement and my ability to let others in had been critically damagaed. The wounds have been cumulative over a lifetime, but this experience was the straw that broke the camel's back.
So the last six months have been a slow and terrible slide backwards into this dark and hopeless place. I will do all the healing things again, but they are too much work to do again and find a core of the problem remains unsolved. I've got to untangle this and file this experience away with some kind of narrative I can believe so I stop fighting it in my own head.
81West, I've been there and to an extent still am there, although enough time has passed that I have to allow myself to feel heartbroken.
Patience, time, more time, and more patience. There is no secret. You just have to ride it out. Hopefully someone will come along for you who will push those feeling out of your heart. Hasn't happened for me, it may happen for you.
I literally feel the same pain you feel, and it isn't nice. Take deep breaths, and do what you can lady. As with all things, this too will pass eventually.
Thanks LsD. I have always sensed some similarities between you and I even though our situations are quite different. I have found that getting over the person and getting over the experience as a whole two different things. Like you're over your ex wife, but what amounts in a way to a theft of a huge chunk of your life still affects you and your faith in your own decisions and future.
28 years! Just wanted to send you some hugs back for your own situation. Thanks for taking the time to try to help me while you've got so much happening in your own life. Your empathy and understanding mean a lot to me.
To everyone else who posted here, thank you so much. I need so much just to say some of this out loud so I can untangle it. Your thoughts are very helpful. I need to get this stuff out of the echo chamber of my head, distilled, and then filed away for good. I need to be able to say "I need help" and believe it will be there.
<puts hands on 81's shoulders, looks her in the eyes sternly>
I know what it is like to be in a depressed state, but do listen to what the others have said.
You tried it before. Well, get more support and try it again!!!
If you don't do something positive, things will get worst. You can't let things get worst.
You are on a precipice (sp?). Reach for positive change slowly and you will receive it. Accept the negative, wallowing feelings, and you WILL deteriorate RAPIDLY.
We care about you and want you to get better. This isn't about MM. This is about YOU. Somewhere in your life you are reliving the "poor, poor" 81 feelings. SHAKE IT OFF. You are TOO valuable to live in the past.
Call a doctor NOW!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!
__________________ Don't flag me, 'cause I'm honest...
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Each day is your own. Choose it as you see fit. There is actually a life out there for everyone, provided we look for a window when a door is closed. Good Luck to you, IWWH
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