My boyfriend and I have had several ups and downs and we have learned from them, and I believe they have made us stronger each time. We have been together for almost 4 years (oct 2 is our anniversary). We have even lived together for the duration of our relationship, share finances and maintain a home together.
We talk about our future and when we want children and when we sell our house, we are planning to have one built for us. But we rarely mention marriage. I have expressed that this is a big part of our future and if we are planning all of these things, I want that first. Last feburary we got into an arguement over commitment and how I feel that his views on our relationship are no more than boyfriend/girlfriend even though we share all of these things together. The arguement ended in me getting emotional and expressing to him how important marraige is to me and how I feel like he is afraid to tie himself down to 1 person for the rest of his life. (because he doesnt believe in divorce). His response to this was that he knows I have been waiting for him to propose to me, and that he planned to do it sometime this year (he says he wants to get a "nice" ring, not the first thing he sees, so he has to have the funds to do so) and he is not sure how to do it and that he is scared.
I felt a little better knowing that he was simply afraid of how to propose rather than the idea of it all so I kind of dropped the issue. But I havent seen any changes. I know that he has had plenty of "funds" to do so but uses that to soup up his truck, and buy the latest accessory for his rifle and all that so it makes me think that he is just making excuses. I asked him the other day if he wanted me to get the day off of work in october to do something special with me and he shrugged me off.
I kind of feel like I am overreacting, but is this typical behavior?
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"I believe that everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let them go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so you will eventually trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe
You're already married. You cohabit physically and emotionally and presumably own your current home jointly. Why would he want to complicate things with a marriage license?
We just had a thread on this....I'll post a link....here it is:
There is alot of helpful advise on that thread! I want to talk to him about how I feel, but everytime I try to talk to him, he feels like I am attacking him and trying to MAKE him listen to what it is that i have to say. He doesnt like to TALK or share his feelings with anyone (or at least me anyway).
I know exactly how that girl feels because I myself am only 23 and he is 25.
It wouldnt be so bad for me except that we talk about our future ALL the time. He even went so far as telling me that he wants to go on a week cruise for our honey moon (WE HAVENT EVEN PLANNED A WEDDING!). This really confuses me.
You know, my wife says the same thing (I'm attacking her when I'm telling her how her behaviors affect me). A really big help has been MC. It's taught me how to communicate my feelings better (I did before but not clearly) and how to listen better. Also, the MC reinforces the reality that she needs to hear my perspective, something which she naturally prefers to avoid. Maybe your BF could benefit, even though you're not married.
I dont think he would go for that. He feels like as long as we are not talking about our problems everything is ok. Maybe thats not normal, but it is not reason enough for me to leave him because he doesnt want to go to MC. Can you give me some advice on how to approach him (since you had a similar situation)?
I know he loves me without a doubt. But he knows I am very opinionated and he feels that if he tries to tell me how he feels that I am going to judge or even try to force my opinion on him. So when we have a problem he just shuts off from me and refuses to talk about it and by the next day he has swept it under the rug. I know this is not healthy, but I just dont know how to get through to him.
Other than all of this, he is a great man to me, he takes care of me and he is there for me when I need him and I dont want this to cause many problems down the road (if he ever does decide to ask me to marry him).
I have told him that I want marriage and a family, and I am not asking him to have kids right away, I just feel like he has commitment issues that he is not telling me about and if thats the case, I might have to walk away.
I just want to know if tis is typical behaivor for a man, or do you think he is making excuses. I am not in a rush to get married, I just want the solid commitment from him. I want to know that I am all he wants and that he loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me. I mean i know he loves me but he is not the kind of person to say it or show too much affection. I dont want to feel like he has settled and if only with me because he is comfortable.
Part of a healthy relationship is meeting each other's reasonable needs and desires. Asking to work on communicating differences and perspectives is not an unreasonable request, nor is expressing expectations regarding your committed relationship. You should not have all the responsibility in this regard, which is what you'll have if you end up "chasing" him all the time on these subjects.
People are in relationships because they get something from them and the relationship makes them feel valued, accepted, and loved. No one "makes" either of you stay. You want to.
I didn't deal with all this stuff until well into my marriage, not because I didn't want to but because circumstances made it impossible for me to do it sooner. In a perfect world, my mom wouldn't have gotten Alzheimer's and my wife and I would've gone to PMC before getting married. Could, would, shoulda... don't be me. Stand firm for your needs and risk being alone. I'm here telling you it's a better path ....
Mainly how to communicate better. I've never had issues expressing my emotions; conversely, women have found such expressions to be offputting. MC is teaching me how to dial back that kind of intimacy to become more "normal". It's a work in progress
What did you learn when you went to MC? I just want to know how to get him to open up to me a little without having to pry him open. You know??
to piggyback on what Carhill say, I would say that MC is beneficial for couples having issues with communication. I have worked with a few married couples before and I always try to reiterate that no relationship is "normal" or "perfect." There are always going to be kinks to work out, always that are thrown at you. Couples who are compatible fight. That's just life. So I'm glad to hear that you are working on communication in MC carhill, because I think that is helpful in any marriage, even happily married couples can always use some fine tuning.
Yeah, great example last night....wife walks up and says "oh, btw, I'm going out Friday night with (her girlfriend and hubby) to see the new X-files movie. I know you're not interested in that stuff and probably don't want to go, but I wanted to let you know".
My external response? I nodded my head. In the past, I would've been pissed off, since we do things with this couple all the time, not to mention I found the presumption that she'd not even check with me to see if I did want to go to be offensive. Last night was not the time (no work night is, for her) to talk about such things, so I'll pick a more opportune moment. It also allows me to calm my impulse to reach for my lawyer's number, which was my immediate response. Interesting how that works This is exactly what MC does, if one wants it to. It provides clarity ....
Last edited by carhill; 23rd July 2008 at 12:59 PM.
Well that would be fine if he was willing to go, but he does not think we need it.
Just like with the movie with you carhill he is off work tomorrow, and we went out to dinner with OUR couple this evening, and he doesnt feel the need to tell me what he is doing on his days off, and one of our friends happened to mention something about a fishing trip that is tomorrow that they had been planning on for a while, its not like I care, but still. i feel like he thinks he leads a seperate life when I am not around. Like its ok to do whatever because I am not there. My initial respose is to get upset because he doesnt feel the need to tell me these things, but i dont, I stay quiet.
like I said before, he doesnt feel like we have to talk about anything at all. I feel wrong if I dont tell him what I am doing or where I am going. And if we argue or something goes wrong he shuts down and wont say anything. I just want him to be open with me. I guess i could suggest it and just see what he says. But if i know him, he will say something like this "If we cant do this without counsling then why bother at all"
Maybe he just isnt ready to be in such a commited relationship and the thought of marraige scares him, yet he is comfortable where he is at and just makes excuses as to why he cant propose to me so he can keep things the way they are.
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