I wasn't sure where to put this post or if I should even post it on LS. I guess it is just something that I had to get off my chest, so I put it here.
After a few hours of staring into space at my place, I remembered something a military psychologist once said in his lecture. Writing assignments can be therapeutical in cases of PTSD, so I figured I would also give it a try in my situation because I don't know how to deal with it.
So I wrote this summary of what turned out to be the worst day in my life in the hopes of being able to restructure my thoughts and feelings and thus regaining control of my life. And this is what caused all these self-doubts, shame, hurt, regret and devastation I am experiencing today:
I got a call this morning at work that burst that precious little bubble that was my life. The call was from the father of my first gf informing me that his daughter had died from some kind of bone marrow disorder. I don't recall much of the conversation with her father, I wasn't able to focus. I had a total breakdown of composure, like all my training never even existed. I am used to pressure and I have also had my fair share of experiences with death, but I completely lost it this time.
I had never stopped loving her and I always regretted that it never worked out between us. But that was my own damned fault and it has been over five years since we had seen or even talked to each other. We had a short exchange of emails a couple of months after our break-up, but no contact since. This shouldn't affect me this much, at least not to the point of powerlessness. I mean after more than five years, that doesn't seem to be right and I feel like I don't have the right to feel the way I do. I don't know if that makes sense.
But I can't accept that she is dead. I had thought a lot about her in the past, even more so this last year. I guess I always had hoped against my better judgement that one day we would cross paths again and we would have a "and they all lived happily ever after" fairytale ending. This is no longer an option and the full weight of that reality has now come crushing down on me.
After the conversation ended, I went straight to the bathroom and threw up. It's been a very long time since I felt that bad, hadn't thrown up more than twice in the last 15 years. I am sick to my stomach and all sorts of images are popping up in my head (good and bad), but at the same time I feel empty. When I got back, my co-workers called my boss because I "looked as pale as death". My boss then asked me what happened and after I told her, she told me to go home and take a few days off and that she would either take my place and do the audit (which I should have done) tomorrow herself or postpone it.
I will never be able to look at my workplace the same way again. This is the place where it all started. We were both interns here when we met. I had so many good memories of this place and I was so happy here with her. That played a part in my decision to take this job offer when it came along after I had just finished uni. Now this place is also a reminder of her death and the pain that I feel.
Once in my car and on the way home, I had to stop twice on what is usally a 10 minute ride because I was shaking and crying uncontrollably.
When I finally got home, I had trouble opening my mailbox because I couldn't handle that little key because my hands were shaking. And in my frustration, I kicked that mailbox repeatedly. Unfortunately, the pole is made of steel and I hurt my foot in the process. So I spent the rest of the morning at my orthopaedist to find out if my foot was broken. The drive again interrupted because I had to cry.
The only lucky break I got today was that my foot isn't broken, but it is badly bruised and I had a laceration and now I am on crutches. I am angry at myself for being such a mess and even more so for not controlling my anger and kicking that stupid mailbox. Sadly enough, the physical pain serves as a reminder that all this isn't just a nightmare.
Right now, I am still a mess and my emotions are still in charge and I don't like it one bit, that isn't me. But I can't regain my composure for more than a few minutes when I am alone before I lose it again. However, there is some slight progress. I regain control a bit longer now every time I try and I managed not to have a breakdown at the orthopaedist.
I still have no idea how her father managed to contact me and I didn't ask him. In fact, I didn't ask a single question during the whole conversation. Her father always liked me and he must have sensed that I was in no shape to deal with this. I don't like feeling sorry for myself, especially in such a situation where other people have so many more and more severe problems than I do. I can't even begin to think how her father and the rest of her family are feeling and then I act like a wimpy coward. And I am so ashamed for that.
I unplugged/turned off my phones and I need to figure out a way to get myself ready for the funeral on friday. Her father gave me his number and he offered that I can talk to him if I want or that we could talk after the funeral.
But I am not ready to talk to him right now. I do want to talk to him after the funeral. but I don't know what I will find at the funeral. How was her lifer after us? Will there be a bf or even a grieving husband and kids?
I have no idea and those questions haunt me right now. I always wanted her to be happy, so I should be happy if she found love again and had a family of her own. It is pathetic but I am not so sure that I could handle that after the way I lost it today.
I am thinking small steps, one at a time will get me into a more presentable state of mind but I don't have the time for that. Only two days until the funeral, but I need to be there. Now that darkness sets in, I wonder if I will find some sleep tonight. I doubt it, but at least this dreadful day will soon be over and tomorrow will be a new, and hopefully better day.
For the people who actually took the time to read through all my drivel, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I read your post and I have a theory on why this is affecting you so much. You said you've seen your share of death, and who knows what else you may have experienced, maybe this event is causing you to feel past pain as well as this new pain all at once. It is curiose that her father found a way to contact you, that is really nice. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and activly change your thinking. Don't get in the mind set that your work is a place to feel sad because you met her there. Good luck in waking up from this nightmare.
For the people who actually took the time to read through all my drivel, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
It certainly wasn't drivel, and I hope it was helpful to you to write it out.
First of all, my heart goes out to you. I bet a lot of people here can relate to those residual feelings following the break-up of an important relationship. Even years later. Who won't read your post and think "how would I react if I got a phone call to say that X had died? How would I feel, after not having seen them in so long?"
I hope you will go to her funeral. There's no such thing as having "less right to grieve". Grieving isn't a right that you can only exercise under certain circumstances; it's an automatic response to loss. You're having to face the loss (from the world) of someone who mattered a great deal to you - and in respect of whom you still harboured certain hopes. Even if the only realistic hope was that at some point in the future your paths would cross.
Now you have to deal with the knowledge that that isn't going to happen, and I guess that knowledge is going to hit you over and over in the next few days. And the pain of it will feel fresh each time. So I also hope you take up her dad's offer to talk some of this through once you've had time to think a bit (and, of course, he's had time to recover from the immediate aftermath). He's a link to a past that you might need to explore a bit over the next few weeks. You'll probably want to know a bit about her life after the two of you broke up. Fill in that gap.
I'm guessing that this event will probably force you to something of a crossroads in your life where you have no option to make changes. Changes that might have been a long time coming. I wish you all the best.
I am so sorry for your loss, stock. Because even though it's been awhile since the two of you were "two of you," sometimes you have that strong bond with someone, and grieving their loss is a normal process. Simply because you had that connection, you know?
the only advice I can offer is that to move past your grief, you have to move through it. Take however long you need to heal; being in touch with her daddy will heal the both of you, because obviously you meant enough to this girl that her dad knew how to contact you. Find comfort – and happiness, too – in your common bond. It won't be strange or weird, but something you can provide each other during this tough time.
other advice is to not make any drastic decisions about your work or your life at this point, because you're operating on your generators right now and what seems like a good idea now really isn't in retrospect. Going to a workplace you shared will be incredibly hard, but don't let the grief allow you to focus on the pain, but let it remind you that y'all were full of hope for the future as interns together. Maybe you'll move on, but don't let it be your hurt making that decision.
lo siento,
quank
__________________ I think my favorite phrase at this moment is, "Shut your piehole!" It doesn't really refer to anything nasty, but it sure does sound rude.
other advice is to not make any drastic decisions about your work or your life at this point, because you're operating on your generators right now and what seems like a good idea now really isn't in retrospect. Going to a workplace you shared will be incredibly hard, but don't let the grief allow you to focus on the pain, but let it remind you that y'all were full of hope for the future as interns together. Maybe you'll move on, but don't let it be your hurt making that decision.
lo siento,
quank
That's a really good point, Quankanne. I read over my post again and thought "sh*t, that wasn't the greatest advice I ever gave - re the making changes bit." Changes do sometimes come after loss, but you're absolutely right. The time when you're grieving is not the best time to make life changing decisions. I'm glad you said it.
change in itself isn't the problem, just the timing of it is. If he had an opportunity to move/leave that he was already considering, then it could be beneficial. However, making a life-changing decision while you're depressed can bite you on the butt.
so, I think we BOTH have given food for thought, TM!
Stockalone, I am so sorry to read this. Your pain comes through with every word you've written. Hopefully, posting here will help with the numbness you are feeling right now. If this site, if us users can help you with the pain is only for you to decide.
Don't feel bad about feeling so deeply. It shows that you have a warm, open heart. And your ex knew this, or else your father never would have called you. Take solace from the thought that you were important for her, so much that even after 5 years of no contact, her father called you to let you know.
You are griefing now for two people, the lovely girl you lost and yourself and the possible future you were, secretly, hoping for. You have to let go of a beloved and hope at the same time. It is no wonder that you are feeling the way you do.
Again, don't surpress those feelings out of shame.
There is no advice, at least not from me. All I can offer is an open ear and the hope that you will get through this.
I know exactly what you are going through. I lost an ex three months after we broke up. He died in a tragic skiing accident. I found out by reading it in the local newspaper.
He contacted me two weeks before he died, and I was out and never returned his call. I am haunted to this day by what he wanted to say.
I attended his funeral and saw his parents, who were so happy to see me.
We kept in touch with each other for several years and as it often happens, we drifted apart.
His death was a life altering event for me. There is a saying that goes something like this "from great pain comes great growth" and this was the case for me.
From his death, I have learned that people will come and go in your life, and no matter how long they stay, they leave an indelible stamp on it.
Please don't feel bad about losing control over your emotions. That's what grief is. You can't control it, nor should you. Feel what you are feeling and don't fight it. By engaging in these emotions, you are healing yourself.
I agree with the other poster about past stresses and pain coming out now. I used to be a flight attendant based in NY and I developed debilitating anxiety episodes while flying after 9/11. I would start shaking right in the middle of the cabin and I couldn't control my body. It didn't make sense to me. I was grieving over the attacks, and the upheaval it brought to my life, but I was not afraid of terrorists 6 months after the event.
I went to counseling and discovered that I was experiencing the pain of a trauma that had happened years ago.
Do not make your pain worse by labeling yourself "weak" or a "coward".
I hope you allow yourself to cry and feel... Don't try to control yourself too much at this point. You're allowed to be devastated. It's OK to cry and to get angry.
I hope you find comfort and peace in the arms of your friends.
__________________
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." - Douglas Adams
Stock, I'm at a loss for words. I lost an ex a couple years ago, I found out when I coincidentally happened to click on my hometown's online newspaper and saw an announcement for his funeral. He was a police officer killed in the line of duty by a drunk driver. Part of the highway is now named after him. Sadly, I found out about his death minutes before his memorial service was set to begin, and I was over 400 miles away. I've never really felt like I got the chance to say goodbye.
Anyway, I understand the pain you're experiencing. Please believe that while it seems impossible now, you will heal.
(((HUGS)))
__________________
...and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
I am really sorry for the loss. I can tell how much pain you are in. I think you should be yourself and it's ok to show how sad you are at the funeral instead of worrying so much about what her father and others will think. It's a time where grief is expected and not a concealed expression to show false strength. They will be there to support you and you them.
I think you should stop thinking about what-if's - the fantasy you had of being together again was only a fantasy, and there's nothing you can do to change the reality. Don't regret not having made contact with her. She obviously cared a lot about you and probably told her father before she died, to contact you so you could be at the funeral.
Don't beat yourself up wondering if she had a husband and kids and what they will think of you greiving at the funeral. She obviously had boyfriends and a life before whoever she was last with, and for you to show your feelings is a sign that she had people who cared that much about her.
Just be yourself, share and show your emotions and get the support you need from her friends and family to heal. Don't associate your workplace with death but instead choose to associate it as the place you once worked together with fond memories. It's up to you how to interpret and label things and places and using death is the one thing in your post that will show you are feeling sorry for yourself and not being positive.
You seem to have a great boss. Women tend to be more sensitive - I doubt a male boss would say it's ok to take a few days off just because one of the employees was sad. Feel fortunate for the employer you have, for the fact that her father cared enough in his sorrow to contact you, and take care of yourself. Hope your foot heals soon!
__________________ ~Ignorance is bliss. ~Failure is success if we learn from it. -Malcolm Forbes ~Those willing to sacrifice freedom for safety deserve & shall receive neither. -Benjamin Franklin
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