The urge to cheat is stronger than the urge not to.
I haven't been on here in a long time. A quick catch up of my situation is this.
I've been having an EA for a long time, first we started out as co-workers and my excuse was that it was really hard to have N/C as we work together. Well it turns out we do not work together anymore and our situation has not changed. We talk everyday and occasionally we meet for lunch or the at the park...
We have not slept together but the more time we spent together the more I want to get physical. Not necessarily intercourse but I find it extremely difficult to keep my hands to myself. I even try to come up with scenerios where we can be alone and maybe just allow ourselves to cross the line just once.
I already know everything I am doing is wrong. I've heard it all, I know how it would affect my family and my husband. It's all bad and I know it. What I can not do is find the strength to get over this man. I've told the OM that I love him, but I really don't know if that's true or just an obsession.
I've tired so hard to end it and I can't, I can't confide in anyone in my family because I am ashamed. I've done all the "put yourself in your husbands place" & "just imagine what's going to happen when you get caught". I've thought about all of that. However I am weak and the desire to cheat is much stronger than the desire not to.
Why did you get married and what is the relationship with your husband lacking?
Try to remember the reasons you got married in the first place and talk about whatever issues have come up in your marriage with your husband. Go to see a marriage counselor and stop meeting up with the object of your temptation.
Haven't you ever done something hard before? If not, its about time you tried; you'll only be a stronger person for it and thats nothing to regret. Being a weak and dishonest person is.
That should force a resolution to the situation one way or another.
See...simple answer.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
I was in your exact situation 4 months ago. My first post here was titled "Ready to cross the line." I know just how you feel.
However, OWL is right. Tell your husband. It will cause alot of upheaval at first but it will allow you, and him, to see the bigger picture. Reality will hit you in the face. Once you face the reality of what you are dealing with your decision will be easier to make. The resolve will follow. Good Luck.
Everybody always says tell your husband. Why would I do this? It would only cause hurt and distrust for the rest of our marriage. If I told him our marriage would be in jeopardy. If I could just learn how to eliminate my feelings for this OM I would be able to solve it on my own.
I know what the underlying issues are with my husband that drove me to seek the attention of this OM, and these issues are not going to go away. I've discussed them with my H and he is not willing to accept how I feel or admit that these are true issues. In fact when I bring them up, he totally freaks out.
Someone once told me to look up Limerence & I did, this term describes me perfectly. Perhaps I don't Love this OM, perhaps he is just an obsession.
"If I told him our marriage would be in jeopardy."
Didn't you put it in jeopardy when you took on this affair with this OM? Telling him is not what put it in jeopardy.
Have you tried asking your husband to go to marriage counseling with you? You say he knows of these issues but yet doesn't want to discuss them. If he is not willing to aknowledge the issues and talk about these issues, then you're right it wont work. So maybe you should end the marriage.
Sally, to answer your question. Haven't I done anything hard before. No, I've never done anything this hard in my life. The loneliness without the OM in my life kills me. It's not the physical attraction part...it's the emotional attachment. He's been my strength for along time now. Can we not just remain friends?
I've asked my H, if he would like to go out for lunch with myself & this OM thinking that if I got the relationship out in the open and included my Husband, I could continue my friendship and keep him in my life.
If I could just learn how to eliminate my feelings for this OM I would be able to solve it on my own.
Ok, I have one idea. You and some others may not like this, but it will definitely help you and I am not trying to be smart or anything like that.
Try going to church once in a while, and read the Bible. Go to church with your husband and kids, and really try to be a good person. Know that deep down, what you are doing with OM is wrong, and that Jesus will give you the strength to do what is right and will make you strong and happy person again. Go to church, that is your first step.
How do I even start to bring up marriage couselling when he doesn't think there is anything wrong.
He is not phyically abusive but he is mentally abusive all the time everyday, not only to me but to my children. The last time I told him he freaked out soo bad it scared the H*ll out of me. He puts me down, not name calling but I can't do anything right, nothing I do pleases him. He comes home everyday and we all cringe cuz were not sure what he's going to yell at when he comes in the door. Yeah, he calms down after he's had something to eat and manages to relax a little. and then he's all lovey dovey and wants some loving.
I told him I was worried he had high blood pressure and that he should see a doctor and some anger management. If he's not putting me down or yelling at me he's riding the boys. Alot of times we can't stand to be in the same room.
When he is on Holidays, he is a totally different Guy.
If the issues in your marriage are so bad as to head towards an affair, then I recommend one of two things:
My top choice would be to tell your husband all of this so he can see how deeply you feel about the issues within the marriage. Maybe it will prompt him to take the issues more seriously and work on them with you. Yes he might be hurt and it could lead to a divorce, but that is where you'll end up by going the affair route anyway. You might as well end up in divorce court with as much or your integrity intact as possible.
Second option is to tell your husband you want a divorce if you feel so adamantly that the issues with your marriage cannot ever be resolved. Then you are free to be with whomever you want.
But one thing is for certain. Till you are able to be your own strength, you will not be able to find your way out of life's hardships without being underhanded and relying on others. You know good and well that if telling your husband will cause him hurt, an affair will be double that. So you obviously are not all that opposed to causing him emotional pain. This is passive aggression. And its high time you stopped living like that and did some thing hard. You will love yourself more for it I guarantee and you will either have earned a successful marriage or a guiltless right to find someone more suited to you.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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