My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years, we have a daughter and another baby on the way. I am seven months pregnant so sexually speaking we were not having sex because we both felt weird about the baby.
A few weeks back I found an AIM message to his cousin telling him about a woman he was suppose to meet but she wussed out. I confronted him about it and his responce was so calm that I belived him (he said it was a joke) at first I didn't of course but as we talked I decided not to make a big deal of it specially since it is amazing how stupid some guys can be at times.
I had a funny feeling the entire time so I installed a keylogger on his computer, I was hoping to find harmless porn and nothing more, I was wrong... I found him posting online and seeking women to have sex with. He didn't actually get a chance to do so and we talked about it and decided that there where oviously some problems in our relationship we needed to address. I became more sexually open with him, letting him know everything I was in the mood (which is quiet often), I was more affectionate, loving, encouraging, and made sure to tell him how attracted I am to him.
Everything was going great where out of the blue comes this girl to send him an email asking him to have casual sex, she is a local here in the area so I was devastated when I read his response "wow, yes we can do whatever it takes, as long as we are discrete about it because I have a hard time getting away lately, I love my wife and don't want to hurt her but I need some release" I was devastated, here I am putting myself out to him giving him as much head and sex as he wants (and I'm not bad but I have to admit the pregnancy doesn't help with the freakiness factor which is what we both used to enjoy so much).
He now tells me that he wants someone to just f&ck and that it is nothing wrong with me but he just wants sex with a stranger, no strings attached, no drama, I keep telling him there is no way i could ever accept that it is not me, I'm the type of woman who is 100% devoted to her spouse and wants the same, I am open and listen good, I am usually willing to try just about everything intimatelly as long as it does not involve other people.
I am at a point of no return I have lost all self respect for him and I don't fell like I love him anymore the way I used to, honestly I am more afraid of being alone and my children growing up fatherless. I feel that he put so much presure on me to let him have an affair that he will do it eventually even though he says he will try not to. Now he said he wants to work out and get in shape, it makes me wonder why and I'm scared but I don't know what to do.
I do not believe in dating once you have had kids, if we split up I will be alone until my children have grown up and more than likely I will end up alone for the rest of my life but I don't want my children exposed to any type of danger, so if I'm not with their dad I don't think I'll ever look for someone else as much as I would want to be loved.
I'm scared and confused and wished I knew what to do. He said he wants to work things out but it is still something he needs and he is unhappy but does not want to put his selfish needs ahead of my happiness.
Right, well, I'm kinda torn about this, because on the one hand, in my opinion, we as people are not actually 'programmed' to be monogamous and stick to one partner. Any kind of fidelity in a relationship, is imposed by socio-religious, cultural and ethical rules and regulations.
Because we're so intellectual, intelligent and so-called "superior" as human beings, we actually conveniently forget that we're mammals, believe it or not. A form of animal that surprisingly, has instincts, needs and habits, like any other animal on the planet. We just think we're at the top of everything because we can read, write and do long division....
That said, he's being a deekhead and a fookwit.
He's thinking with his trouser friend, and as far as I can tell, showing a callous disregard for you as his partner, and mother of his children.
If he wants to sleep around and be discreet about it - he's going the wrong way about it.
His behaviour is appalling and if he's made a voluntary commitment to you to be with you and to be your partner, then this is just beyond the pale.
You know, I used to have a neighbour who had three children under 7, who had this problem with her partner. So one day, he came home, and found the locks changed, and all his stuff on the front drive.
She yelled out of the window at him:
"You wanna F**k around? Go live with her then!"
She made it on her own. She had no family support that was close by, she had a part-time job, but she got financial support for the kids from him, and held her head up high.
Big respect to her.
If you have no trust in him, and no respect - what else do you have?
And don't say you love him, because it's not 'complete'.
He has absolutely no respect for you or your feelings, so in my opinion, this won't improve, you'll always be suspicious, and you'll never believe a word he ever says again.
Life need not end if you were to kick him to the kerb.
Life might just begin.
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
Like I said in your other post, I say you should split. Don't be so hard on yourself though about the no dating with kids issue. If that's your belief, fine, but you don't deserve to be alone so I think you should reconsider that down the line. Good luck.
What a depressing story. This guy is almost certainly going to cheat. I would leave. But man, after reading so many stories like this on here, I am starting to think that a woman who leaves a cheating husband has nothing more to look forward to but more cheating men -- unless she chooses to be with a woman. That's starting to look like the only sensible choice to me.
Personally, for me, cheating is a deal-breaker. To me, if you cheat, you have broken your marriage vows and the marriage is over. Period, end of story. How can you have respect for someone who does this to you? I would definitely leave, even with the child and child on the way. Why wouldn't you want to date with kids?
Yes he has an "urge" that every reader can relate to. It is a natural urge. We all have it.
The problem is in not being willing or able to suppress that urge in favor of something that is more important to you - your life with your family. Actually, the inability to suppress that urge to me shows that either his family is not more important to him, or that he is...an inferior instance of the species!!!
Obviously, you cannot accept this. You need to lay it on the line with him. He has a choice to make. A simple one. F**k a stranger or keep his family. Make it clear that you do not have him on a leash. He is free to f**k a stranger, and you are free to seek a divorce.
I think that him even having the nerve to ask for this would be enough to send me packing...but you never know for sure until you are actually in a situation...
... He is free to f**k a stranger, and you are free to seek a divorce....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunnysideup
To me, if you cheat, you have broken your marriage vows and the marriage is over.
They're not married....
They've been together 9 years, but they're not legally bound, as it were....
I think this is what he thinks gives him carte blanche to eventually put it where it don't belong....
Impaky, I'm sure the law will still allow for you to gain support for yourself and your two children, even if you're not married. If his name is on the birth certificate, he has responsibilities, and should be made to face them.
Maybe if you confront him with his utter stupidity, he migh have a bit of a wake-up call.... (but I doubt it.... )
They're not married....
They've been together 9 years, but they're not legally bound, as it were....
I think this is what he thinks gives him carte blanche to eventually put it where it don't belong....
Impaky, I'm sure the law will still allow for you to gain support for yourself and your two children, even if you're not married. If his name is on the birth certificate, he has responsibilities, and should be made to face them.
Maybe if you confront him with his utter stupidity, he migh have a bit of a wake-up call.... (but I doubt it.... )
divorce, separation, calling it quits, giving him the ol' heave ho, whatever...point is, losing her.
Depending on where they live, they could be common law anyway, I think that kicks in somewhere between 7-10 years...
Either way, yes indeedy he has a legal obligation to the kids, and to her if they are common law...
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This guy is almost certainly going to cheat. I would leave. But man, after reading so many stories like this on here, I am starting to think that a woman who leaves a cheating husband has nothing more to look forward to but more cheating men -- unless she chooses to be with a woman. That's starting to look like the only sensible choice to me.
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