[griff]

I am the adoptive mom to a 7 year old boy who was physically abused for the first 3 1/2 years of his life.

While he doesn't remember very many of the incidents he knows it happened. He has one vivid memory of the last incident.

He's a great kid, but you can see how the abuse affected him. He cannot do anything on his own. He has to be "told". No free thinking. Everything he does he has to be prompted to do.

He has ideas and thoughts, but he can't ever act on them. He's still very afraid of "if I'm wrong, I may get hurt". I don't believe he still thinks this, but it's habit for him. He holds everything back. He will talk to me about things, but I just don't know what to do.

If he gets into any sort of trouble he shuts down totally. I can't scold him or put him in time out or anything. We do not use any sort of physical punishment with him, but he still thinks it 'could' happen. At least that's my thoughts. I honestly don't know what he's thinking as he doesn't think. He just shuts down totally.

We have tried play therapy and it didn't do anything for him. He never once even told the therapist he was abused as a small child. I know there is a lack of vocabulary at his age, but he knew he was "hurt".

I'm sure this is all confusing, but I am really struggling with how to raise him the right way. I want to be able to reach him and draw him out. We get very teeny tiny glimpses of who he is on the inside. He's a sweet, gentle and funny guy. He just holds back so much of himself.

He has been with us since he was 3 1/2. He has not seen the abuser since that time. He has come a long way, he no longer instantly wets himself if he hears of someone who has the same name as his abuser.

Any advice on what I should do for him? Please do share things that I should NEVER do, I don't want to inadvertently hurt him either!


Thanks!
Griffin

[D-Lish]

You have a very kind heart to be opening your home and life to this lil guy.

His story is a heart wrenching one- and one I have heard far too many times. My first career I was a Child and Youth worker, I did it for about 8 years- working with toddlers to teens.

One thing to keep in mind is that he will always be affected by the trauma of his past. He was abused during his formative years, so he will carry the weight of that abuse with him through life. That's not saying that the damage has been done and there is nothing anyone can do about it though.

What he needs is constant re-inforcement from you that his physical and emotional health is safe. This is something you can talk to him about...
Sometimes we had success with kids writing up small contracts the sizes of posters they could hang on their wall. Include the things he wants on the poster and let him colour and decorate it.

These are my rights!
1) No one has the right to hit me or scream at me.
2) If I do something wrong, we will talk about it without yelling.
3) I have the right to ask for help whenever I need it.
4) I have a right to feel safe in my own house...
And so on and so forth...

It's something that even though he may not be able to read just yet, But he will understand- it's just something tangible...and it remains in plain view... it's also something he has participated in, which is healthy for him to be a part of.

Feeling safe is going to be a huge recovery process for him.... And it sounds as if you are making progress and gains with that. Kids respond great to repetition and boundaries... and praise of course.

If he was ever locked into small spaces or left alone for long periods of time- time outs may need to be altered so he doesn't associate doing something wrong with his past abuse.

I am not sure if he was physically and sexually abused- but sexual abuse is a slightly tougher trauma to heal from.

It's never too early to talk to him and talk a lot, to tell them that they are loved and cherished.
We used to tell the kids everyday that no one had a right to hit them or hurt them.

You are going about it the right way- it just takes a lot of time to undo some of the damage that has been done. He's lucky to have you!

[katie1487]

does he understand that what happened to him was wrong and should not have happened?

if so then there is no reason for you not to teach him what he cant do (of course you are right about the physical punishment being a no no ) as this is very important in his development.

do you have any support? someone to talk to when you are unsure?

[Lizzie60]

He is a very lucky little guy to have you..

My advice : love him... unconditionally.

One little trick I used with my son when he was younger...

Get a little pouch with small figurine(s) or beads (different colours) (let's say 2) in it.. tell him that this is his little 'secrets' pouch.. he can tell those figurines/beads all this good and bad secrets... when he's happy and when he's sad... (one for the happy stuff, and one for the sad stuff)..

Or tell him to tell those figurines, every night, what went well and what went wrong during his day...

This might help him to vent some of his sadness/frustrations out and to help him put his feelings into words or thoughts.

[katie1487]

although i think the above reply is very sweet and would be a great idea with any other child..

with your son i think its important that he feels he can come to you or someone close to him to share his feelings (especialy the negative ones).
so he can learn to trust again.

[Lizzie60]

Originally Posted by tigerlilly080

although i think the above reply is very sweet and would be a great idea with any other child..

with your son i think its important that he feels he can come to you or someone close to him to share his feelings (especialy the negative ones).
so he can learn to trust again.

Of course this doesn,t replace the parent/child communication.. but it could be a good way for him to vent.. she could also 'help' him with this.. meaning she could be present for the 'secrets ceremony'... if he wants her to.. of course.. this has to be done in a very respectful manner.. kids need to know that you respect them and you will support them no matter what.

[griff]

Thanks!

He was physically abused. No sexual abuse.

We talk about being safe and all that goes with it. He is aware that what he went through is wrong. We talk about how it's never ok for anyone to hit/hurt another person like that. We talk about how before he wasn't safe, but he his now. I know he doesn't understand all of it. I am trying to lay down a foundation with him. He has come a long ways but there is so much more to go through.

I like the poster idea, I'll try that.

He's an extrodinary child! He has come so far in his recovery, but I know there is so much there that he doesn't know.

We adopted him and his younger sister through the foster care system. Just before the adoption took place my husband and I were given the file that they had on him and it had all the details of the abuse. I have NEVER cried so hard in my life. I have NEVER been so angry in my life at what was done to him.

I thank God every day that he is safe and in my life. He blesses me every day!

I just want to do what's best for him. I don't know anything about what it takes to recover from abuse and I feel like I am fumbling in the dark most of the time!!!!

[D-Lish]

Originally Posted by griff

Thanks!

He was physically abused. No sexual abuse.

We talk about being safe and all that goes with it. He is aware that what he went through is wrong. We talk about how it's never ok for anyone to hit/hurt another person like that. We talk about how before he wasn't safe, but he his now. I know he doesn't understand all of it. I am trying to lay down a foundation with him. He has come a long ways but there is so much more to go through.

I like the poster idea, I'll try that.

He's an extrodinary child! He has come so far in his recovery, but I know there is so much there that he doesn't know.

We adopted him and his younger sister through the foster care system. Just before the adoption took place my husband and I were given the file that they had on him and it had all the details of the abuse. I have NEVER cried so hard in my life. I have NEVER been so angry in my life at what was done to him.

I thank God every day that he is safe and in my life. He blesses me every day!

I just want to do what's best for him. I don't know anything about what it takes to recover from abuse and I feel like I am fumbling in the dark most of the time!!!!

I don't think that kids actually ever fully recover from being abused.... I think they learn to deal with it in healthy or non-healthy ways as adults based on the influences they encounter following such a traumatic experience.

Sounds to me like you have provided them with a healthy, stable and loving home in which to thrive.

You've done the right thing by reassuring them that they are safe from harm. Believe me when I tell you that will go a long way in terms of long term recovery.

You'd think it would be easier to undue 3 1/2 years of abuse with 4 years of stability... but it doesn't work that way.

The worst case I ever oversaw was a 7 year old girl who became a crown ward because her mother was a crack addicted prostitute who used to pimp out her 7 year old and 4 year old daughters to tricks. The 7 year old had become used to looking after her lil sis- so one morning she woke up, found her mother passed out drunk on the couch and decided to make breakfast. The mother had left the coil burner on the night before, and the little girl crawled up on to the stove to grab the cereal above the stove and ended up catching her leg on fire. The mother was so drunk, she didn't wake up to the screams- and a neighbour heard it and came over and called the ambulance. The poor little girl had to endure years and years of corrective surgery and skin grafts and the damage was so extensive that to this day her one leg is shorter than the other and her lower half of her body is covered in burns.

The girl was 14 when I took on her case and I had to actually spend time doing family therapy with this girl and her mother.... so I had to sit in a room with that poor excuse for a parent. The sad, sad thing was that this girl lived her life pining for her mother's love and approval. She'd miss visits and phone calls, and this teen still loved that horrible woman. It broke my heart.

Sorry to highjack your post- it just brought back memories of some of the horrifying cases I saw in the system.

Your lil ones are fortunate to have someone stable and loving who is willing to take them in and give them hope. That's what you have given these kids- hope and chance for a normal future. I'm glad they didn't stay in the system.

As much as you think you are stumbling around trying to figure things out... It sounds to me like you are doing excellent work with these kids. Just the fact that you care enough to make their life better is so admirable.

[quankanne]

griff, you and your husband have beautiful hearts to adopt these children to ensure they'd have the kind of love they'd need to live healthy, happy lives ... I like d-lish's poster of rights suggestion, because it vocalizes what needs to said to a child who has never had that in his/her life. And helps them to build their self-esteem because they know they're not valueless objects, but little people deserving of great love. Every child needs this kind of reassurance, even when they become young adults looking to make their mark in the world.

a thousand blessings on you two for sharing your live this way,
quank

[griff]

Thanks! Really we're not all that special. At least I don't think so! My husband and I suffered through 12 years of infertility and 2 miscarriages and 1 still birth. Adoption was the next step. International is too expensive and I don't believe our domestic program is ethical. So the only other option was foster care.

Yes the state makes you go through hours and hours of classes on how to take care of these children, but let me tell you it's crap. They do not prepare you for the hours of crying these children do (out of total fear). They do not prepare you for squat!

I have been trying to find anything online about how to care for my son as a survivor and the information is limited. All I have been able to find is prevention stuff. Too late for that. I am very thankful that y'all have helped me out here.

If I can drill one thing into his head is that he's safe and loved here no matter what! I think he's getting that!

Oh and it's interesting that you mentioned undoing 3 1/2 years of abuse by him being here 4 years. I went through a period of time where I thought it would work that way. Then I realized to pull my head out of my rear and think about it!!! He may always hold back. I just really want to draw him out and give him the confidence to take a leap.

I can't wait for a day he mouths off to me! Now that will be a great day!