[Midway Monster]

A friend/ coworker of mine is married and expecting in Nov. She has been married for almost two years and has two kids from her first marriage. Some of the things she is planning/doing already though really upset me. I am curious what other people think about these things.

1. She bought a house and is now having a baby with her husband of two years but they both keep seperate checking accounts. She talks as if her money is HER money not her FAMILIES money in which this child is being brought into. She always talks in terms of he bought this or I bought this for the baby never WE bought this.

2. She is about to bring a new baby into this world and is already financially strapped for cash. Most of the time she will have only 10 - 30 dollars in her checking account. That said she still goes out and buys her husband and kids new video games all of the time. She also tells me about totally unrealistic goals like they are going to add onto their house in a few years.

3. She is already buying a 1,000 dollar bunkbed set for her boys so the baby girl can have its own room. I asked her how she is going to pay for it and she said she got a deal with no payments for 1 year and is already planning on spending her 2009 tax return on it half way through 2008.

4. She is always showing me money or doing things/going places her husband does not know about. She is not cheating on him at all but still keeps a strong sense of independence even though they are about to have a little one. Five bucks here or ther is fine but when you have a couple hundred dollars your spouse does not know about I find that odd. She tells me this is her emergency money he does not know about in case she really needs something.

I know in this day and age people have different kinds of relationships. Open marriages, swingers, common law, etc but when you have a kid together it seems to me alot of that stuff just cannot be a part of your life. You have to grow up and act like a responsible adult. I know a lot of this is none of my business but she confides in me all of the time and asks me my opinion. If I tell her what she does not want to hear she blows me off. I do not know how a person can have a marriage like she does and bring a child into it. As it is now her two boys are hers and they do what she wants. He is good with them (helps with homework, goes to games, p/u from school) but I think they look at him as more of a friend than a father figure. I foresee a lot of double standards and problems arising in the future.
To make matters worse this womans mother is a flat out bitch and treats her like crap and uses her kids against her. She is always underminding her in front of them on purpose. If she says anything her mother curses her out or does not talk to her. She relies on her financial to some regard and cannot really say anything. Her husband hates the women (I dont blame him) and has already said that she will not tell him what to do with his child. I can already see the fireworks now.
I feel for my friend but at the same time am pissed off at the way she lives her marriage and life all together. My wife and I are expecting to and we just live very differently. We really have no secrets and if our checking account goes under 2,000 I freak out. I pay my bills first then have a good time. Our two daughters will most likely be buddies but I do not want my child to live the way they do.

[blair08]

Some people have to do what they feel works best for their marriage. My hubby and I have joint accounts, BUT I have one of my own. He knows about it though. The reason is, I do consultant work on the side and its a seperate account. I pull from it when I want to buy a little something for myself or something for the house etc. People need to have some kind of independence even if they are married, they are still indviduals. As far as your friend goes, from now on if she asks for your opinon only to blow you off, then tell her you don't feel comfortable in giving your opinon anymore if she is going to not even take into consideration what you have to say. A true friend isn't going to just blow you off.

[demrea]

id say its none of your business how her marriage and finances are structured.

if she is living a lifestyle that is not consistent with your moral standards, then you can decide to not be friends. other than that, do what you want in your relationship and mind your business. just because you have a certain perspective does not make it right, it only makes it "right" for you.

i wish people would mind their own business.

[Midway Monster]

I am very close friends with this person though and I find her lifestyle to be self destructive. Would you stand by and watch a friend who goes out and parties and becomes an alcohlic or druggie kill themselves because that is not your type of lifestyle and they should be left alone. In the end she is an adult and has to do what she wants to but it is very frustrating sitting on the sidelines watching someone make stupid choices. I cherish our friendship but just want to smack some sense into her sometimes.

[PandorasBox]

Originally Posted by Midway Monster

I am very close friends with this person though and I find her lifestyle to be self destructive. Would you stand by and watch a friend who goes out and parties and becomes an alcohlic or druggie kill themselves because that is not your type of lifestyle and they should be left alone. In the end she is an adult and has to do what she wants to but it is very frustrating sitting on the sidelines watching someone make stupid choices. I cherish our friendship but just want to smack some sense into her sometimes.

All you can do is be there for her, IF its what you want to do. You can give her your opinons when she asks for them, but if they fall on def ears, then maybe she will have to learn things the hard way.

No one wants to see a friend fall on their face, but sometimes it might take that to get them to wake up. If you feel she isn't listening to you, or you can't bare to watch her destroy herself and family, you could always walk away from the friendship if it bothers you, espcially if you feel you're going around and around in circles.

What do you think she would do, if the shoe were on the other foot?

[demrea]

Originally Posted by Midway Monster

I am very close friends with this person though and I find her lifestyle to be self destructive. Would you stand by and watch a friend who goes out and parties and becomes an alcohlic or druggie kill themselves because that is not your type of lifestyle and they should be left alone. In the end she is an adult and has to do what she wants to but it is very frustrating sitting on the sidelines watching someone make stupid choices. I cherish our friendship but just want to smack some sense into her sometimes.

well you are entitled to your opinion, but i dont equate her banking structure to be on the level of drug abuse.

if my friend was abusing drugs, i would consider if it was impacting their ability to care for their children or if she was putting lives in danger. if none of those were present but i wasnt comfortable being around a druggie, i would tell that friend exactly that.

at the end of the day, a person's marriage and finances are not for you to judge whether or not it is being destructive. you can only decide for yourself and if you feel her choices are not aligned with your moral beliefs, you are free to break off the relationship.

otherwise, MYOB is the rule.