YES!!!
My divorce (and decision leading up to it) was probably the worst time of my life -- about 3 years, total. And there will likely also always be a part that is sad about it.
But, YES!!! It was the right decision (as I deep-down knew at the time.) I am glad that I trusted my Intuition, and didn't give in to my fears and confusion.
__________________
"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol
Oh heavens yes. Since the divorce I have been happier and more social. I like running my own life rather than trying to keep track of two (and being wrong more than right). When I was married I noticed some annual up-and-down patterns in my mood (related to holidays and birthdays), but now that I'm divorced the emotional dips have gone away.
When I was married I was on some allergy medication to live with her cats; after the divorce I found out that one med can cause feelings of depression and suicide. Do I know if that was my problem, or even part of my problem? No. Do I blame the meds? No. Right now I am drug free, cat free, wife free, and happy, and I wouldn't want to go back ever.
The best judge of major decisions like divorce (or marriage or moving or switching jobs etc.) is that "gut feeling". In my case my gut told me that it was time to get out of my marriage. And afterwards my gut tells me that it was right to get out. I hope I'm not making this sound easy or fun, because following through with the decision to get divorced is difficult, and actually getting divorced is a pain in the butt no matter how amicable the parties think they are.
My love life is non existent now, but who cares it was non existent for the last few years of being married too, so things haven't gotten any worse in that department!
My supportive friends and family members have taken me aside from time to time and told me I am "taking my divorce well". So apparently my new happiness is obvious to others too.
Well she left me, not the other way around, and NO I am not happier. Divorce was final September 2006, we seperated September 2005. Haven't been happy since. If anything miss her as much as I did when she first left, I've just learned how to hide it...
It is never easy when there are children involved. It is a process and at various points the pressure lifts. Yes of course there are so many aspects in my life that are much better now. My career has taken off in the direction I have wanted it to for years. The relationship with my children has significantly improved. I look much better and dress much smarter. My love life is great. I just hope that my house sells soon!
It is never easy when there are children involved. It is a process and at various points the pressure lifts. Yes of course there are so many aspects in my life that are much better now. My career has taken off in the direction I have wanted it to for years. The relationship with my children has significantly improved. I look much better and dress much smarter. My love life is great. I just hope that my house sells soon!
It is multi-faceted!
Nomad1
I agree. I think many would answer "Yes, but..."
In my case, the "but" would be simply that it took me a while to get there. It took a while to figure out my relationship with my son. It took a while to understand that I was still going to be involved as co-parents with my exW. It took a while to get over that weird feeling everytime I drove up to what used to be "our" house. It took a while to get comfortable living by myself. And it definitely took a while to get my finances back on track. YMMV...
Too soon to say.. hasn't been a year since the divorce was final. She left me and it's usally harder in the dumped. No doubt things will turn around eventually.
__________________
Whatever you project, the world will reflect... right back at you.
I'm seven years out from divorce now. My ex left after 25 years for her high school boyfriend. Am I happier now? No. There is much more to the answer than a single word answer though.
It's been long enough that I do no miss her anymore. Or.. love her, orwant her. Or need her. All that ended shortly after she moved out.
What I do miss is companionship. I miss the "highs" of the "good times". I miss being a part of something.
I don't miss the arguments, or the pain, or the sense that nothing was ever good enough.
Time does heal many wounds. A couple of years ago I realized that I had to really consentrate to remember the bad stuff, while the good stuff was right there up front. That was a real shock. Turns out it was a good thing though, smiling at a fun rememberance is always better than waking up thinking "I'm sad" every morning.
I'm seven years out from divorce now. My ex left after 25 years for her high school boyfriend. Am I happier now? No. There is much more to the answer than a single word answer though.
It's been long enough that I do no miss her anymore. Or.. love her, orwant her. Or need her. All that ended shortly after she moved out.
What I do miss is companionship. I miss the "highs" of the "good times". I miss being a part of something.
I don't miss the arguments, or the pain, or the sense that nothing was ever good enough.
Time does heal many wounds. A couple of years ago I realized that I had to really consentrate to remember the bad stuff, while the good stuff was right there up front. That was a real shock. Turns out it was a good thing though, smiling at a fun rememberance is always better than waking up thinking "I'm sad" every morning.
I am touched that you have come so far. I am also very happy for you, LsD. You're in a much better place. I'm glad that most people get over it eventually.
I'm seven years out from divorce now. My ex left after 25 years for her high school boyfriend. Am I happier now? No. There is much more to the answer than a single word answer though.
It's been long enough that I do no miss her anymore. Or.. love her, orwant her. Or need her. All that ended shortly after she moved out.
What I do miss is companionship. I miss the "highs" of the "good times". I miss being a part of something.
I don't miss the arguments, or the pain, or the sense that nothing was ever good enough.
Time does heal many wounds. A couple of years ago I realized that I had to really consentrate to remember the bad stuff, while the good stuff was right there up front. That was a real shock. Turns out it was a good thing though, smiling at a fun rememberance is always better than waking up thinking "I'm sad" every morning.
I'd be lying if I said that there was nothing I missed about the ex. After all, we were married for 25 years. We share five children and five, soon to be six, grandchildren. We were raised on the same small island. Our parents knew one another. We had some of the same acquaintances. We first met when I was six and she was 18 months old.
What I miss is shared experiences growing up in the sense that I could mention a name or a particular store, a class of sail boats, a theater going back to the 50s and she'd know who or what I was talking about. That could be comforting since my parents both died almost 20 years ago and I can no longer ask them; nor do I have any siblings.
But do I miss her, the person? Not in the slightest.
Am I happier than I was when I was married to her? Certainly more so than I was in the latter stages of the marriage. I'm calmer, more relaxed, less driven. I have better relationships with my children, feel better about myself and generally have far less drama in my life than I would if she was still in it.
My life is by no means perfect, nor is my current marriage, but both are far better than what was and I'm generally content.
__________________
"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."
I don't think I am 100% happier- I miss the deep connection we had as best friends... but our sexual life had become non-existant.
My ex and I had simply fallen out of love with one another... but we had a solid foundation of friendship and mutual respect that I miss a lot.
I truly think I am better off being alone than being in a loveless marriage.
I'm lonley sometimes- which is something I am often aware of. I'd say that is the toughest part of being single again.
I am close to 6 years after leaving him and I haven't been able to make a strong connection with someone since then. So, believe me when I say divorcing someone is tough- but I wouldn't change my decision.
I don't think I am 100% happier- I miss the deep connection we had as best friends... but our sexual life had become non-existant.
My ex and I had simply fallen out of love with one another... but we had a solid foundation of friendship and mutual respect that I miss a lot.
I truly think I am better off being alone than being in a loveless marriage. I'm lonley sometimes- which is something I am often aware of. I'd say that is the toughest part of being single again.
I am close to 6 years after leaving him and I haven't been able to make a strong connection with someone since then. So, believe me when I say divorcing someone is tough- but I wouldn't change my decision.
D-lish, I couldn't agree more with the bolded part of your post. In my case I don't believe there was anything I could do to keep my marriage from eventually dissolving. Outside pressure doomed the marriage 25 years before it finally collasped.
At the time I would not have described my marriage as "loveless" as I was deeply in love with my now ex wife. We got along fine, the romance had increased in intensity, and the sex was still getting better. Alas, she loved someone else more. She wanted the OM too.
In many ways it was a relief when it ended. I was able to relax, and stop being the best husband, partner, provider, and lover I could be. It was an uphill battle that I didn't know I could not win... at the time.
While no longer sad about the outcome. It is very unpleasant living with the knowledge that I literally wasted half my life in a marriage doomed to failure from the beginning.
D-lish, I couldn't agree more with the bolded part of your post. In my case I don't believe there was anything I could do to keep my marriage from eventually dissolving. Outside pressure doomed the marriage 25 years before it finally collasped.
At the time I would not have described my marriage as "loveless" as I was deeply in love with my now ex wife. We got along fine, the romance had increased in intensity, and the sex was still getting better. Alas, she loved someone else more. She wanted the OM too.
In many ways it was a relief when it ended. I was able to relax, and stop being the best husband, partner, provider, and lover I could be. It was an uphill battle that I didn't know I could not win... at the time.
While no longer sad about the outcome. It is very unpleasant living with the knowledge that I literally wasted half my life in a marriage doomed to failure from the beginning.
But don't you think that with all of the lessons learned that you are now a better person? Don't dwell on being the victim. Look to the future now and make it great. I promise to do the same.
But don't you think that with all of the lessons learned that you are now a better person? Don't dwell on being the victim. Look to the future now and make it great. I promise to do the same.
WF, I've never been a victim! And I don't believe I ever felt that way. I felt I was wronged. I lost.
As for being a "better person", I'm not sure that it matters. Furthermore, wasn't I a "better person" when I was fully engaged in providing for my family, with two children. Being protector, and role model? Confidant and security for two helpless little people?
That was my finest hour. Protecting my children from the consequences of a premature divorce from their mother. My ex was not a very good mother. She was much to involved in her own life to be 100% invested in theirs. I realized this early on. She was never the Mama Bear. I always knew that that was my job. HIndsight proved me correct.
She wasn't a "Bad" mother either. She just wasn't cut out to be a good or great one. Childhood trama had left her incapable of deep emotion with any of us. It took a long time for this to become clear.
I was built to be a father (abet a gruff, strict, teddy bear dad) and a husband. My success was being the leader of a team. When the team broke up (kids were adults) there was no longer a reason for my ex to stay. She exited as soon as her and her lover could arrainge it. She didn't need the stregnth and security I brought to the table anymore. She needed to be young again, a teenager in love. She fully accomplished her goal.
No, I don't think I'm a better person now. I believe I'm different, more guarded, more careful, less open and accomodating. Before I viewed what was "possible" and reached for it. Now, I am cautious, fearful of what "could" happen, and defend myself first. Yes people do change.
WF, I've never been a victim! And I don't believe I ever felt that way. I felt I was wronged. I lost.
As for being a "better person", I'm not sure that it matters. Furthermore, wasn't I a "better person" when I was fully engaged in providing for my family, with two children. Being protector, and role model? Confidant and security for two helpless little people?
That was my finest hour. Protecting my children from the consequences of a premature divorce from their mother. My ex was not a very good mother. She was much to involved in her own life to be 100% invested in theirs. I realized this early on. She was never the Mama Bear. I always knew that that was my job. HIndsight proved me correct.
She wasn't a "Bad" mother either. She just wasn't cut out to be a good or great one. Childhood trama had left her incapable of deep emotion with any of us. It took a long time for this to become clear.
I was built to be a father (abet a gruff, strict, teddy bear dad) and a husband. My success was being the leader of a team. When the team broke up (kids were adults) there was no longer a reason for my ex to stay. She exited as soon as her and her lover could arrainge it. She didn't need the stregnth and security I brought to the table anymore. She needed to be young again, a teenager in love. She fully accomplished her goal.
No, I don't think I'm a better person now. I believe I'm different, more guarded, more careful, less open and accomodating. Before I viewed what was "possible" and reached for it. Now, I am cautious, fearful of what "could" happen, and defend myself first. Yes people do change.
Hmm. I suppose I expect all people to understand that 'better' can mean enlightened, stronger, more knowledgable, etc. You have more experience now to, yes, guard and protect yourself. And yes, you were a great person then and did not deserve what you got but I do believe all of us, if we continue to learn and grow and refuse stagnation, get better over time.
I am concerned that you say that you are less open and accomodating now. Don't let the one bite make you twice as shy.
You know I've been through hell lately but I won't hold back from giving my best to my future love just because I've been bitten.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Happier? Hell yeah!
Linear Mode
