[wannabehappy]

Problems started March 07 when I found out he was text messaging another person. We tried to work on it and both of us just kept fighting and arguing in front of the kids. This year he says he is not happy and he wants his space. We did not work on it like we planned so I understand why he was not happy. I was not happy. We had a big fight and he said he does not love me anymore cuz of me pushing him by talking about the past all the time. I dont feel the same way about him because of the hurt he made me feel but I still love him. I do not want to end my marriage I would like time apart without seeing other people. He is basically done but wants to be my friend and calls every single day and talks to me like his buddy. I want more not at this moment becuase I know we are not happy with each other. Out of all the issues and problems I am more hurt that he said the words he does not love me anymore. He gets really mad when I talk about how he hurt me (which I do alot).
I dont want to give up on my marriage I understand we need space but I feel like once he gets his space he will find someone else and move on. I dont think I could be with him ever again if he sleeps with someone else. I am trying to not bring up the past at all because we just argue and I am trying to be his "friend" like he tries to be with me. But it is hard and I get fustrated and I go off and yell and scream about the past all the time. He has not yet moved out but will be soon. I believe in second chances at love but am pretty sure he has had enough of the fighting and argueing and is done with the whole marriage. I cant bear to see him with someone else and I miss having a husband by my side.
Please any advise would be helpful. We had been together 16 years.

[Nomad1]

You can not control what he thinks/wants/does, you can only control what you do. I would stop the telephone calls completely. I would stop talking about what he may have done / said. Focus on you for now. Don't discuss the possibility of going back with him. Use the time to do what you have always wanted to do...what will be will be. If he chooses to sleep with someone else, then you can't be with him. It is his choice. About time you take control of your life and start making Your choices.

Nomad1

[Ladyjane14]

Originally Posted by wannabehappy

Problems started March 07 when I found out he was text messaging another person. We tried to work on it and both of us just kept fighting and arguing in front of the kids. This year he says he is not happy and he wants his space. We did not work on it like we planned so I understand why he was not happy. I was not happy. We had a big fight and he said he does not love me anymore cuz of me pushing him by talking about the past all the time. I dont feel the same way about him because of the hurt he made me feel but I still love him. I do not want to end my marriage I would like time apart without seeing other people. He is basically done but wants to be my friend and calls every single day and talks to me like his buddy. I want more not at this moment becuase I know we are not happy with each other. Out of all the issues and problems I am more hurt that he said the words he does not love me anymore. He gets really mad when I talk about how he hurt me (which I do alot).

Sounds to me like there's a snake in your woodpile, dear.

It's not uncommon for a cheating partner to blame-shift all the relationship problems onto a betrayed mate. It's not uncommon for cheaters to want to be your "buddy" while they're dumping you. It's not uncommon for them to say they've fallen out of love.

I think I'd look into those text messages a bit closer if I were you.

[allthingsarepossible]

Given my situation I don’t think I should be giving you any advice but for what it is worth it sounds like he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. The more you ask him to talk about it, pressure him, beg, or plead the further you are driving more away.

It’s the same thing I did to my wife. I know how you feel and how you are thinking but you need to let go and change your entire behavior. A wise man once said "if everything I do is wrong the opposite must be right, (George Castanza from Seinfeld). Seriously, I once read the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I’m not judging you, like I said I am in your same shoes and have done all those things above and know how logical they sound.

There is a good book by Michelle Weiner Davis, The Divorce Remedy, that talks a lot about this. You can get it for under $15 on amazon, and even cheaper if you don’t mine a used version. The hard part is doing what it says and having patients. I hope everything works out for you.