[onefunnybabe]

Greetings all,

Here's my sad little story and I'm wondering if anyone has been through this.

Today my 'best friend' said not to call him anymore. We dated back in 2003 for about 8 months and it didn't work out but we decided to be friends and there were benefits.

I've probably had a couple of boyfriends and we still remained friends (I never had sex with him when I had other boyfriends) because I was pretty clear that we were genuine friends.

Now my ex friend started seeing a woman back in January or December. I still hung out at his place maybe once or twice but then at some point he started acting weird and would cut our phone conversations short. Like he'd say "sorry going out with Deb" or what not.

He's 42 and I'm 29 and because he was previously married, he had 2 kids. He is a bit of a loner and doesn't have much of a social group.

He said on the phone today that he and his fiance don't want me to phone. I was quite shocked and surprised. I phoned him a few weeks ago and he gave me these brief answers and I knew he was mad at me. Prior to that I sent him an email saying how I didn't appreciate how rude he was being to me and that I was happy he found someone. I don't know how he took my email but I guess it upset him. He was always a rational person but I guess when it comes to women, he's probably an ass!

I don't know if she's actually his fiance now or if he was saying that.
If they have only dated for under 6 months, it's totally insane to be engaged. You should be dating at least a year before you do something like that.

I'm pretty hurt by this. My ex friend just wasn't using me for sex because he's helped me out (like helping me put up blinds in my new apt) and would be there to listen when I had things I needed to talk about.

I know I can't do anything but leave him alone because if I chase after him, it'll only drive him to her.

I don't know if he's been brainwashed by the new fiance. I never once acted in a way that was inappropriate and I was happy that he found someone.

I don't know if his new fiance gave him some ultimatum because she felt threatened by me (she's never met me). My coworkers think she's probably insecure.

I just hope he smartens up because I have no clue what kind of woman he is involved with and she may be unfortunately taking advantage of my friend. He's a bit naive.

I might also add this is his first girlfriend since dating me 5 years ago and that he probably dated one woman for about 2 or 3 weeks back in 2005 I think.

Anyone been in this situation and does anyone think he'll wake up and realize what a mistake he is making? I don't think I can approach him that easily since he's being irrational and we all know you can't rationalize with someone when they are brainwashed and irrational!

Paula

[Q_A]

Honestly, if I was marrying someone, and they were good friends with someone they used to date and had sex with I'm assuming occasionally after the fact for years and they were still having some one-on-one "quality" time alone at his place after us dating, getting serious and me proposing; I would be a little, well you know, itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny bit insecure too. The fact that you are the only "long lasting" relationship he had in years certainly doesn't help your case. The fact that there is a random women phoning her man who knows when doesn't do much good either.....

I mean you know offense..... just looking at it from the flip side of the coin.

[konfuzd]

I'm struggling with a similar situation from the new fiancee's point of view.

My bf is good friends with his first love. I have never met her, and I was initially threatened by her because I don't know the dynamic between them. When I first heard about them, I was still just casually dating my bf, so I didn't feel it was my place to say. As we got more serious, I talked to him about it, and some of my feelings. He guaranteed me that she was not a threat to me, he talks to her about me, and if she was not in another country half way around the world, he would introduce the two of us.

I felt much better after all of this. I would suggest that you mention to your friend that because you are happy for him, and if you truly want to maintain the friendship that he arranges for the two of you to meet so that she can see that you are not a threat to her and you only want to maintain friends with this guy. Be prepared that she may not be too kind to you.

If the guy values your friendship, he should be willing to make something work, otherwise you have to consider that the friendship may not have meant as much to him as it did to you.