[Accidental_OW]

That's what my Granny would say when someone was trying to play the Martyr- and that's exactly what I feel like my MM is doing when he starts waving his kids around as an excuse for the reason that things are not progressing forward...

I have 2 beautifully balanced kids- both of of whom are the "product of divorce"...though it was hard at the the time, my ExH and I did a very good job making sure they were well loved...afterwards my kids said "I am SO glad you got a divorce- you both are happier people!"

I love children- and my MM has even tried to convince me that perhaps we could have one together- of which I am not keen on at my age! Needless, as much as I admire his responsibility to his kids- I am bleeding tired of having their happiness/well being waved about me like a bloody guilt flag! Seriously- I love them because I love HIM but they are NOT my responsibility! He says he doesn't want to make them a "statistic" and I respect that- so DON'T! Stay in a lonely, loveless marriage and show them how miserable love can be!

However- I do not want to be a "statistic" either...my life is more than a cliche ("they rarely leave their wives for the OW")...

The bottom line is that I just wanted to rant and see if anyone else feels the same...Seriously- If he waves his kids at me again I will be hard pressed not to put my foot in his face!

[Billie63]

I'm going to presume that when you broke up with your husband, you stayed with the kids while your husband moved out?

For the majority of men, it is they who have to move ot while mum, as the main carer, stays home with the kids.

It is possible that the physical act of leaving the marital home is more traumatic than you give credit for. And that when the man leaves, it is like leaving his kids - like he's abandoning them.

But you're right - let him stay in a loveless marriage. You could always make that decision for him.

[Accidental_OW]

Actually, I co-parent my kids with my Ex- we both moved to new homes- just a few blocks away. My kids were 9 &14- a bit older, they switched homes every Friday for a week...and saw us both unlimited inbetween. They would ride the school bus to mine during his week until he got home from worrk and would pick them up.

I do not devalue the act of leaving your children- and if he wants to stay, then by all means stay! I will not stay in his marriage for his kids.

I can't make his choices but I can make mine.

[GreenEyedLady]

Have you told him how you feel?

You don't give much background on your R with him, so I can't really give much advice.

All I know is that my partner left and we're living together now, so I don't give much creedence to the notion that they rarely leave.

In order for him to leave his W, he has to have NO romantic love left for her and be miserable at home. If neither one of these is true, he's not going anywhere.

What do you tell him when he tells you he can't leave the kids? Alot of the time, the OW makes his M livable. If you're out of his life, what do you think would happen?

[scaredinlove]

My kids are "product of Divorce" too and they are fine. I do understand he might worry about them cause I did the same, I stayed years unhappy because I thought I should stay married for the kids. BIG MISTAKE!

My kids are happier now that we are divorced and there is no a constant war in the house.

MMs leave for their OW but it may take years... Every story is different.

Like GEL said..Tell him how you few and go for there.

[OWoman]

Originally Posted by Billie63

I'm going to presume that when you broke up with your husband, you stayed with the kids while your husband moved out?

For the majority of men, it is they who have to move ot while mum, as the main carer, stays home with the kids.

I've no idea where you live Billie, but certainly where I live that's not the case. Default is shared (equal) custody, unless it's in the children's best interest for majority custody (or in extreme cases, full custody) to go to one or the other parent. In fact, of recent divorces among my friends, more fathers than mothers have gotten majority custody, with a couple of fathers getting full custody and no fathers I know getting less than equal custody. Perhaps I'm just more likely to befriend hands-on fathers, but if I include colleagues in that sample the picture is much the same. I'm sure it differs from country to country and circumstance to circumstance, but I'd very much doubt if "the majority of men" these days found themselves in that position.

My MM sees much more of his kids since he left the M. Not only because they spend the majority of their time with him rather than with their mother, but because when he's with them now he's WITH them, rather than them keeping a low profile to avoid getting caught in the cross-fire. Soon after the split he was told how happy they were that they were actually getting to know him as a person for the first time, really - and I remember the same experience with my father after my parents split. It was as if they stopped being "the parents" and each took on their own character and became individuals.

AOW, I hope after your MM's two months NC he's clearer on what he wants and able to consider his children's best interests beyond the stereotypes and cliches.