Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
Boyfriend talks to his ex in secret and asks her out to 'talk'
Last night me and my boyfriend were out drinking. It got late, so instead of going to my house I stayed at his.
I woke up after he'd gone to work, made myself some breakfast, and decided to surf the net on his computer before I left.
I recalled him saying something about his ex contacting him via myspace mail a few weeks ago. (Important note, he hardly EVER goes on myspace) He told me she was asking him how he was, she said 'happy belated birthday' and that she said that he might not want to hear from her(she left him for someone else and was generally a coldhearted bitch). My boyfriend told me all this, and that he had told her to **** off.
So there I was at his computer, remembering him telling me this. I log onto his myspace, curious about what pathetic things she'd said in the message. What I found really shocked me.
He instigated it.
He sent her a message: 'How's life?'
She responded: "Blah blah blah this blah blah blah that,how are you and your girlfriend, how's work blah blah blah'
He responded to that saying (most of this is paraphrased and shorter than the actual message) : 'Wow, I didn't expect you to respond! Still working at the same place, boring. Me and *my name* have been together almost a year now, time really flies!'
And then he asks her more questions about her life, she responds again.
His next message to her (paraphrased mostly but pretty much completely accurate since I read it over and over again because I was in shock): 'I know this may sound creepy or odd since we haven't spoken in so long but would you like to meet up for a chat this week? It's weird I've been thinking of you lately. I fully expect to be rejected so be as brutal as you want lol.'
She said she would meet up with him.
I confronted him about it face to face when he got back from work. Went something like this...
Me: So why are you asking your ex to meet up for a chat?
Him: It was a mistake. I was drunk.
Me: You were drunk on three different days?
Him: *gets angry and talks crap*
Me: Did you meet her?
Him: No.
Me: Why did you want to meet up for a chat?
Him: I don't know.
Me: I don't believe you.
Him: Im telling you the truth. I made a mistake. I realised that later, I sorted it out and we never met up.
Me: Have you been talking to her on the phone aswell.
Him: *gets angry, breaks phone, shouts at me*
Me: Why the **** did you break your phone?
Him: I can't contact her now can I?
WTF
I left and went to my place. I talk to my friend. I call him to try and get some answers. He gets angry, I get upset, I hang up. he bombards me with calls, I finally answer. By this point I'm too tired to argue, he says he's sorry, says his stupid excuses AGAIN and asks me 'are we cool?' I say yes because I don't want to argue anymore.
Needless to say, this is very confusing. I always trusted him 100%. I literally can't BELIEVE he'd do this, neither can my best friend.
He used the you-shouldn't-be-spying-on-me card because I read his myspace but **** he's read my diary before AND my saved msn convos so he's in no place to pull that **** on me. Plus we both know eachother's passwords!
Basically, I want outsider opinions.
Here's some background on us:
We've been together for what will be a year in august. The relationship is pretty intense. He was, at one point, obsessed with me. He was suffocating, insanely jealous etc. I know he (or at least knew) he loves (or loved) me more than anyone has ever loved me. He treats me generally well although he's hot-headed (I'm a bit too to be honest) and he bitches a lot. We argue quite a lot some weeks, but always make up. We can talk for hours and enjoy eachother's company.
We lived together at his parents house until recently when I got this place. He also organised to meet his ex when I was away visiting my nan!
Argh, I needed to vent. Any thoughts? Wtf is going on with him?
all i can say... he loves you but he still thinks about his ex gf. i think personally no matter what happeneds, some what some how. youll still think about your ex. it can be in a good way or in a bad way. im sure at one point they had a very good relationship. and im sure she did thinks the he liked and dont like. my point here is this, im sure you do thinks that he doesnt like and his ex doesnt do it. and im sure his ex did somethings that he likes that you dont do for him. its going to take more years for you guys, more history together. so he'll complete forget his ex girlfriend
Argh, I needed to vent. Any thoughts? Wtf is going on with him?
Yah, cooling off period. Regain sanity. No contact.
Women really put up with this BS? I'm not talking about him contacting an ex, but the way he treated you when you confronted him. My god, my wife would cut off my johnson while I slept if I treated her like that, and she has the very expensive surgical shears to do it right
Anyway, where was I?
You have a dramatic relationship. Is this what love is supposed to feel like for you? Do you think it's healthy? Think about that during your break....
He's normally a great guy, talk AND action. This was just so unexpected. If you knew him you'd know what I mean by that. It's just... weird for him to do something like this. It's not weird, however, for him to throw an angry hissy fit. Sometime's he's more of a woman than me.
Lol at castration... I think that's just a tad extreme
Anyway, I realise people will think of their exes. I think of my ex from time to time. However I would never dream of asking him to meet up for a chat, drunk or sober. It's just not on.
My boyfriend seemed so anti-cheating (is it wrong that I see this as cheating, am I over reacting???) and would always condemn cheaters yet he does this! And not only did he do it, he actively lied about it!
Just as a life-note: People often actively condemn behaviors which they fear in themselves. It's like, by vocalizing it repeatedly, they talk themselves into believing the reality of the statements.
Yes, he sounds difficult and complex but that has the other side of caring and sensitive, I presume. The part about breaking the phone is a bit immature, IMO. I hope you can work on that stuff with him.
Just process things for what they are. IMO, let your actions show your patience but that you have boundaries and he needs to respect them to continue to have you in his life.
Woke up feeling... well, like this is all surreal. Strange. I don't feel depressed like I'm supposed to, I guess. I feel numb. And I've lost more faith in humanity.
I thought he was different. I thought he had morals. I guess it's stupid to think anyone can be perfect like that. I guess every person in the world is a lying cheating selfish twat.
What gets me is his stupid 'I was drunk' excuse, which he won't back down on. I just want the truth. I want to know WHY he wanted to meet her. I can take it.
Going to a party tonight. Just want to distract myself from this bollocks.
The one reality which you can count on is that everyone, myself and yourself included, is human and flawed. None of us is perfect, not even by our own standards. I think looking at things through those glasses really helps. Not as an excuse but to accept and decide if the flaws are something we can live with (in others) or change (in ourselves). I think relationships are great flaw identifiers. I know my M has been such for myself.
Maybe he wanted to meet up with her because he needs closure of some sort? Sometimes the big "what did I do for her to leave/cheat, what's wrong with me, what could I have done differently?" questions never go away in one's head until you have that final goodbye/meeting. He just might not know how to say it out loud to you or put it into words....he may not even know the "why" other than he just needs that closure...
Just my 2 cents.
I will add that regardless.....his reaction to it was unacceptable. And because of his reaction there might be more to the story. But, needing closure could be part of it.
There's no reason for anyone to, 'meet up' or have any type of contact with their ex-partner(s), unless there are legal issues involved.
Something sound's fishy in this situation and you had every right to approach him. How would he like it if you, while under the influence, contacted your ex-boyfriend and insisted that you talk in person? Would it be a one way street or would he be okay with it?
P.S. - Closure, is the worst excuse one would use to see their Ex, especially after a year's time. I don't buy or play that crap when it comes to relationships. They're marked, 'x' for a reason.
He's normally a great guy, talk AND action. This was just so unexpected. If you knew him you'd know what I mean by that. It's just... weird for him to do something like this. It's not weird, however, for him to throw an angry hissy fit. Sometime's he's more of a woman than me.
Lol at castration... I think that's just a tad extreme
Anyway, I realise people will think of their exes. I think of my ex from time to time. However I would never dream of asking him to meet up for a chat, drunk or sober. It's just not on.
My boyfriend seemed so anti-cheating (is it wrong that I see this as cheating, am I over reacting???) and would always condemn cheaters yet he does this! And not only did he do it, he actively lied about it!
I don't think it's cheating, since they didn't even meet up, let alone have any physical contact. He didn't say he loved her or anything like that, so it was not "emotional cheating" either (whatever that is). What makes you see it as cheating? I agree that it's out of line, and enough for you to think seriously about ending things, but it's at most a possible precursor to potential cheating, rather than the act itself.
Why did he do it? IMO it's pretty obvious - something is lacking in the relationship, there is something missing which he doesn't get from you, or something he does get but hates (e.g. drama, nagging, whatever) hence his desire to reach out to his ex. If you want to stay together, then you need to find out what that is as address it, otherwise the relationship is doomed.
If you look honestly at the relationship from his perspective, what do you think might be amiss?
I'd also consider that his reactions are drama-filled and over the top. Sure you want to put up with this? In my experience, relationships with frequent drama and arguments are never happy and always break up or end with both people miserable and often cheating.
Wow! What the hell is going on with the universe??? At 1.30am (while at the party) I got a text from MY ex! WTF????
He said: 'Hey how are you doing? I haven't seen or heard from you in ages!'
Obviously I haven't replied. But seriously, do I have a joke life or what?
Thanks for all the opinions guys. Urgh. Although I really wanted to have no contact with my boyfriend, I have to. I'm still settling into my new flat and hav to go back and forth for various **** that i need.
It's like, I can't be angry about this, because he gets angrier, and I hate it.
Tomorrow, I'm getting ALL of my stuff out of his room and then ignoring him. He needs to learn that he can't treat me this way.
My ex did something similar. He sent his ex a text message when he was drunk saying he missed having sex with her, the feeling of her on top of him and asked if they could meet up (presumably for sex). Then, when I confronted him about it he got really angry at me because he said he was "just drunk." To appease me he removed her from his friends list on facebook and deleted her number from his phone. Later I found out he had re-added her and had called her again in secret.
Four months later I ended up cheating on him. Of course my behavior wasn't justified, but what he did dealt a serious blow to my trust and feelings.
I would be very wary if I were in your shoes. The fact that he doesn't seem to get what he did wrong is a major red flag.
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There's a starman waiting in the sky...he'd like to come and meet us but he thinks he'd blow our minds... -David Bowie
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