Still waiting for that second chance? Maybe you're waiting for the wrong thing.
My ex came back after nearly 4 months and when I saw her again, and remembered everything she had put me through the day she left me (cheating, heart-break, chaos...lies, childish games, etc.), I realized that I didn't want HER back...it was something else.
For months, especially during the NC period, I had been idolizing her as this beautiful goddess of virtues and love who would see her mistakes and come running back into my arms.
Of course all I was doing was putting not only her but our relationship up on a pedestal. My mind was making things up that did not reflect the reality of the situation.
When I saw her, and learned that she was enjoying a coke habit and was happily "playing the field" and had decided that responsiblity to others was not to her liking, well, that pedestal came crashing down.
It was like a giant weight had been taken off my shoulders. I sure as hell did NOT want her back! At one point she was my sweetheart and I was going to marry her, but ultimately there is no way I want anything to do with her now.
The hurt and the pain and the constant wondering had nothing to do with her. It was that damn pedestal!
I'm sure this doesn't work for everyone, but take my story as an example of how you probably don't want a second chance. Get a new pedestal and put someone who deserves it up there.
__________________ "Your freedom ends where my nose begins" - Pierre E. Trudeau
I hear you, brother. I was actually relieved when my ex broke up with me, but for some reason, 8 months later, I had transformed the image of her in my mind into some unattainable goddess whom I was never worthy of. I think we all need to step back and take a sledgehammer to all our pedestals.
I am incredibly envious of those of you whose exes cheated on them and lied. So much easier to destroy that pedestal when you've been wronged in concrete betrayals. As for me, my ex was/is highly narcissistic, and pushed me away subtly with insults and degradation. Much more difficult to realize the reality of that situation, than if she had f*cked me over in a more obvious way.
Regardless, I wouldn't want to be with her again either.
Try for a second to imagine how hard it is to recover when there are no reasons for splitting, save for differences in personality.
I am incredibly envious of those of you whose exes cheated on them and lied. So much easier to destroy that pedestal when you've been wronged in concrete betrayals. As for me, my ex was/is highly narcissistic, and pushed me away subtly with insults and degradation. Much more difficult to realize the reality of that situation, than if she had f*cked me over in a more obvious way.
Regardless, I wouldn't want to be with her again either.
Try for a second to imagine how hard it is to recover when there are no reasons for splitting, save for differences in personality.
Try for a second to imagine how hard it is to recover when there are no reasons for splitting, save for differences in personality.
I don't have to imagine it, either. I lived it in my 2005 breakup. Took close to 1.5 years to be totally over him - and we only dated for 6 months!
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Then would you agree or not? Would you rather be cheated on or pushed away?
Being cheated on should, in theory, make it easier to knock the person off the pedestal and move on more quickly. But right now I'm not sure I'm coping much better than you are, kiz; you're seeing me struggle with the pedestal issue even though E lied to and cheated on me.
I don't mean to minimize what you're going through, not one little bit. My 2005 breakup was devastating. I couldn't pin what went wrong on anything specific, and I went in circles for MONTHS trying to sort it all out. What ended up helping me get over him was, sadly, time. Time and finally dating someone new who treated me really well (having met lots of frogs before I met him!).
Then would you agree or not? Would you rather be cheated on or pushed away?
What's it matter? If they sleep with someone else, they are disrespecting the relationship and it's over in their mind. If they push you away, they are disrespecting the relationship and it's over in their mind.
No difference. Same s**t different pile.
I've been reading your other posts kizik and you were doing well but now you seem so despondent. That's okay, I guess that's what happens. But don't despair you're off to school in a couple of months! Make the summer fun.
I've been reading your other posts kizik and you were doing well but now you seem so despondent. That's okay, I guess that's what happens. But don't despair you're off to school in a couple of months! Make the summer fun.
Thanks for the encouragement ATP. You're right, I am often despondent and optimistic in the same day. Such is recovery. I'm not going to lie and say I'm doing great when I'm not. However, there are hours in the day when I am doing great.
The best part of what's happening with me is that the pedestal has been kicked out from under the ex's feet. Anger has helped.
I am incredibly envious of those of you whose exes cheated on them and lied. So much easier to destroy that pedestal when you've been wronged in concrete betrayals. As for me, my ex was/is highly narcissistic, and pushed me away subtly with insults and degradation. Much more difficult to realize the reality of that situation, than if she had f*cked me over in a more obvious way.
You know, I often AM grateful that my ex acted like a jerk (he didn't cheat but acted pretty crappily on the spectrum of things) - at least intellectually, it gave me a definitive reason not to want him, and an easy three-liner explanation to give to people, who could then immediately nod sympathetically and say, 'my gosh, what an immature ****'. I knew pretty early on there was no way I could be with him. But it still doesn't make things easy, nor does it erase all questions from the mind. THere is still a bleeding out of emotions over time, and it's weirdly frustrating to not be 'over' the person ('over' all the good times) while objectively knowing they were not such a nice person.
THere is still a bleeding out of emotions over time, and it's weirdly frustrating to not be 'over' the person ('over' all the good times) while objectively knowing they were not such a nice person.
I had a ex try to make me into a friend & was becoming distant. I didn't understand it because I knew she still loved me, but it turns out she was cheating on me for like 6 months and decieded she wanted to explore the new guy.
When I found out, I was destroyed mentally, I would rather I had not known, but I suppose I am happy I know because it only tells me the type of person my ex truely was.
A back stabbing, young whore who lies & deceives people.
Very nice. I guess it does help when they give you something to villainize themselves with!
I am incredibly envious of those of you whose exes cheated on them and lied. So much easier to destroy that pedestal when you've been wronged in concrete betrayals. As for me, my ex was/is highly narcissistic, and pushed me away subtly with insults and degradation. Much more difficult to realize the reality of that situation, than if she had f*cked me over in a more obvious way.
Regardless, I wouldn't want to be with her again either.
Try for a second to imagine how hard it is to recover when there are no reasons for splitting, save for differences in personality.
This has been my challenge as well. I'd love it if my ex was doing drugs and being irresponsible and selfish. I wish she was someone I actually didn't enjoy being around, instead of someone I could never have around enough. In the end it does seem to boil down to one thing: how do you feel about yourself in light of what happened, whatever it was.
__________________
-------- First there is a phone call, then there is no phone call, then there is.
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