I've just come across some intelligence and supporting documentation that over the past couple of months, my wife (of over 13 years) and best friend (of over 22 years) have been cheating on me. I won't go through what the "intelligence" and "supporting documentation" were, but they were concrete enough to prove that they have been cheating on me behind my back.
My wife and I have 3 kids, financially secure, and live your typical American suburban life. It hasn't always been the best of times, as we've gone through our ups and downs from time to time, but we've always managed to work through it. The last conflict that we had was about two months ago. I would typically refer to my best friend through these times as he has always done so in the past. What caught me off guard this time around was that come to know it, this supposedly best friend of mine has used this opportunity (the most recent conflict) to get together with my wife. I can't really tell if it was done in a malicious manner or intentionally. What matters to me now is that it has happened.
I just found out the concrete facts this morning and over the past few hours, my head has been fuming, so many questions running around my, frustrated at what could have caused this, etc. Tomorrow is the 4th of July and we are suppose to have a small shindig to celebrate the holiday, where the best friend will also be coming over. I'm not sure what to do at this point, confront the best friend and/or wife? I've been leaning towards just driving over to his house or even when he comes over tomorrow and bash him around a few times, but I know that violence will nowhere.
How do I move on? It would seem to make sense to either leave the marriage, or salvage it for the sake of the family? At this point, I could care less about my friendship of 22 years with the "best friend". Has anyone come across this situation? I'm trying to find the best way to deal with this. Many thanks.
Wow, just wow. Your going to be spending the 4th of July with a group that includes the man who has been inserting his penis into your wife? That's a recepit for disaster.
Unless you have the nerves of a rock and the self control of Jesus, I would suggest that you find a reason to miss the gathering.
The visuals alone that would dance through my head (I posess an imagination) would be more thanI could deal with safely. I suggest that yuo watch carefully where the two of them go.
Well, let's just hope that user handle isn't your real name....
My advice is simple. I'd contact an attorney immediately and become conversant with my legal options and responsibilities in my jurisdiction.
Secondly, I would refrain from creating any scene of confrontation until determining my legal options. Then, as appropriate, proceed and request that contact end and request MC to mediate/assist with the marriage.
I am so sorry for you. I would immediately contact the OM's wife and expose it now. I would also demand that your wife and you get tested for STD's. I would also consider talking to an attorney to understand what your options are. There has to be consequences to her actions. I would expose to her parents and siblings as well.
This is such a double betrayal. It shows she has no respect for you and your relationship. It is unbelievably cruel. She invites her lover and your best friend to come over for the 4th. I sorry but I think she is getting a perverse thrill makeing you look like a complete fool. She is getting off humiliating you. She is a real piece of work. Unbelievable.
Whoa....rash actions, especially prior/during holiday gatherings....let's take a breath here.
OP, is the friend married? I didn't see that.
IMO, acting impulsively on emotion can backfire. I know, since I've done it enough to see the negative results
Here's my suggestions....
If this means making yourself scarce during the "shindig", then so be it. You have to, although it is very difficult right now, look at the big picture. I'd purposely be under-buying the beer so I'd have to make repetitive beer runs (or something similar). Another alternative is to "get sick" and cancel the party. If you have another trusted friend who knows your dynamic/history well, get him involved. Have him run interference. Get suggestions and support. I know how I'd be for a friend who needed me at such a time. No judgement, just get everyone through the day.
Then, come next week, get legal advice as how best to proceed.
You need to cancel this because I dont think you will be able to fake it all day.
Then, the person you need to confront is your wife. She is the one that really betrayed you and your marriage. Deal with the friend at a later time.
This is more common than you would believe. The feeling of competition between good friends, of both sexes, can be intense. Many of my H's friends have hit on me over the years. In your wife's case, this may have come at a time when she was feeling unsexy (three kids will do that to a woman) and maybe not getting the kind of attention that made her feel desirable. Your friend, with a male's seek the weak one in the herd mentality, knew your wife wasn't happy because of what you told him and he may have used her vulnerability against her.
YOu'll get a good sense of things when you talk to your wife. If she is ashamed, breaks down and begs forgiveness you may be looking at the scenario I just described. If she is defiant and says she loves him, then you clearly have even bigger problems.
This is very new. We will be here for you to help as you navigate these waters. But do yourself a favor and give this some time to shake out. Don't make any impulsive decisions or actions now because you may well come to regret it.
So here is a question....have you been totally faithful to your wife over the 13 years of marriage?
Been faithful as one could be. The closest I've ever come across not being faithful was visiting a strip club with a bunch of friends and getting a few lap dances.
So far, I'm leaning towards following SmartGirls recommendation and talk this through my wife.
carhill - The best friend is not married. He was married at one time, but got divorced. Guess what, his wife cheated on him and left him. So does this mean that he is trying to gain revenge?
Thank you all so far for your contributions. A couple more hours before the wife gets home......
Do you really want to stay with a cheating wife? You know that once a cheater, always a cheater! If I were you, I would round up the finances, do whatever is necessary to safeguard your interest. Get a lawyer and plan ahead, for you and your children. Invite your friend for dinner and confront both of them. Don't waste anymore time on her or him. Move on!
carhill - The best friend is not married. He was married at one time, but got divorced. Guess what, his wife cheated on him and left him. So does this mean that he is trying to gain revenge?
I would try not to project any meanings or motivations onto actions which were taken. This takes away from the important matters of the day, that being your M and your children.
I also like Nomad1's idea of quiet confrontation of only the parties involved. Do what you need to do regarding tomorrow's party, but keep your knowledge under wraps until you're fully apprised of your options and obligations. Knowledge is power in such instances, and decisions made at the beginning can have far-reaching ramifications.
I don't envy your position, but, indeed, the sun will rise again and you will go on breathing. Take some comfort in that and give the yung-uns an especially big hug and kiss tonight. Remember how fortunate you truly are
This is getting ridictulous. Cancel the party... you live in the house too, you have every right to cancel the party. Tell your wife you have discovered the affair. Take appropriate actions. Personally that would be filing for divorce. I have no idea what you will do.
Then CALL your best friend, tell him you are aware of they way he betrayed your friendship, and that you won't be going to any Fishing Trips, Demolition Derby's or Rodeo's with him anymore. Your friendship is over.
Time to take a look at your future as a part time single Father.
I so agree. Allowing your wife to continue to throw a party at your home with her lover and your former best friend coming over would be the height of stupidity. I cannot believe that your wife would want to do this. If she did then you know how little respect she has for you and she could care less about your humiliation. My friend, if the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would allow you to bring your lover and her former best friend who betrayed her to a party at your home?.... OH Please!!
OK, it's an anonymous forum with an OP who has chosen a real-sounding name as a handle...
What the heck, let's read the evidence
I'm assuming your children are young, so what happens next is going to have a huge impact on them. If anger is what motivates you, think twice, or even three times before saying or doing anything.
Emotion speaking without the benefit of intellect can become your greatest enemy, and that enemy is you. Be careful out there
There is something else you might wish to consider. What type of person deliberately engages in a sexual affair with the husband's best friend? What type of person would engage in such humiliating and destructive behavior toward her husband? It is totally demeaning and cruel. She know what she was doing and she knew how this would destroy you. What kind of person does this?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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