[mcgintygirl]

I am possibly going to take a job in the city my ex lives in. I lived there myself for 5 years and then moved about an hour away for a job for 4 year. I knew my ex for 10 years as a friend, and were exclusive for one year. We always were into each other but it was complicated b/c it was awkward as many, many years before I dated his best friend in our young college years (nothing serious). During our 1 year relationship (we spent exclusive time together on and off before that as well in the 10 years)... we never told friends that knew his friend/my college ex. As the relationship progressed I felt like a secret and eventually my emotions due to stress at work and personal ones ended it all. Eventually I spoke up and told my old ex (now friend) about what happened b/c he'd always ask, I felt such an injustice being so dishonest. The 1 year guy started his MD school in town and a week after ditching me picked up a new chic who he remains with 9 months later. It should be noted before me he was in a 3 year relationship that ended poorly and the year we were together was an emotional struggle... We went from friends and my unconditional support to lovers.

Anyways, the past is over, he's happy .. possibly. My issue is I am looking to move back to my old grounds but feel very uncomfortable that there is such hate still between us. In 9 months as we sorted our emotions, he went from being nice one minute to cold and back and forth. Most recently wasn't playing cheerleader for his ego and said why I wouldn't try and hook up with him if we met for lunch. He in turn freaked out, offended by my reasons telling me that I'm crazy if I thought he'd want to hang out, email or text me after reading that. I was just being honest, fair and **** laying it out and not boosting his ego.

All his friends are childhood buddies, they stick together, they don't hate me but he does. I don't plan to hang out with them much and the one who hates me is barely around them.

PROBLEM: I just feel very uncomfortable going back. There is a chance I would be taking a job at the university (in the undergrad area) that he is in MD school at. This is b/c I take night grad courses that and it would help my tuition.

I just feel overwhelmed by being hated and with nerves. I'm sorry my spirit has been broken lately, its been rough at my job that is going under.

Please advise.. Sometimes our heads are foggy.

xoxoxoxo!

[sailing]

Hi mcgintygirl,

I'm in a similar situation in that I will shortly move to the same city as my ex. It is well over a year since he dumped me for a new relationship, and I haven't had any contact with him apart from a chance meeting last autumn. I should perhaps write my own post but here goes:

At the time of the break-up, I was already planning a move but put it off, needless to say. I have tried various temporary alternatives in the meantime and, recently, another opportunity to move to the city in question arose. Without going into detail, it would be stupid of me to turn it down. Also, at this point, I feel like I put my life on hold because of the break-up, and that to do so any longer would make me a martyr of misplaced loyalty.

As the moving date approaches, I too feel increasingly uncomfortable. I've begun to dread another encounter. I'm worried about a set-back; I don't want to get angry or jealous again and what if - god forbid - a small part of me actually wants to get back togehter with him, even though it's clearly doomed?

I'm also worried about what it will look like to him. If we meet, however dignifiedly I try to walk away, to him it could look like I'm slinking off into the shadows. I don't want to allow him the satisfaction of thinking I haven't let go, so I've toyed with the idea of explaining the opportunity but, a) I really don't want any contact, and b) he could read into that what he wants anyway. The ultimate challenge might be for me to accept that he can think whatever he wants about me, I just have to keep moving on without defending myself.

I looked at some of your old posts too and it seems like you have approached this situation from different angles for a while now. Where are you with it at the moment? More appropriately, how do you now view the exclusive relationship - do you regret it? You are obviously still in contact and I know you say you don't want to hook up with him, etc, but you're bound to still be hurt and offended by him replacing you. I get the feeling that you are having a hard time accepting or taking his new relationship seriously because of how he has described her, or is that off the mark?

To clear the fog, you could start with asking yourself some of the following. Are you going to be able to catch up with old friends or make a fresh start outside his close circle? Do you share any of my worries, or would you actually appreciate meeting your ex? Are you hoping for a confrontation and if so, are you looking for answers, reassurance or to rekindle the platonic friendship? Could you accept however he acts towards or sees you? Also, be honest with yourself about any hidden motives on your part. You say you've been feeling down lately, and if you look to him to "fix" that, it could end up making you feel worse.

Good luck!

[mcgintygirl]

Originally Posted by sailing

I looked at some of your old posts too and it seems like you have approached this situation from different angles for a while now. Where are you with it at the moment? More appropriately, how do you now view the exclusive relationship - do you regret it? You are obviously still in contact and I know you say you don't want to hook up with him, etc, but you're bound to still be hurt and offended by him replacing you. I get the feeling that you are having a hard time accepting or taking his new relationship seriously because of how he has described her, or is that off the mark?

To clear the fog, you could start with asking yourself some of the following. Are you going to be able to catch up with old friends or make a fresh start outside his close circle? Do you share any of my worries, or would you actually appreciate meeting your ex? Are you hoping for a confrontation and if so, are you looking for answers, reassurance or to rekindle the platonic friendship? Could you accept however he acts towards or sees you? Also, be honest with yourself about any hidden motives on your part. You say you've been feeling down lately, and if you look to him to "fix" that, it could end up making you feel worse.

Good luck!

To answer your questions:

First off, I have absolutely no contact with him, as anything I said eventually something would get blown out of proportion. It's been about 2 months since I last had any email contact with him.

1) I am nervous about catching up with old friends, it's a small circle of people with a long history. I have fun with them but at the same time they are HS friends with him and I feel as if I am the loser really even if I have known them since 1998.

2) I actually have no issues meeting up with my ex. My worries stem more from how volatile he is. As in I feel like I walk on egg shells at times and all I can do if we have contact is being "happy" and celebrate him. He's has the potential to be a great guy but he (assuming from his old breakup with another girl) is very messy/emotional after breakups. I believe he feels better blaming me for the reason we don't talk and that I am "crazy".
PS: Personal note, I went through some therapy for an eating disorder that I have always struggled with after my years in a particular sport. He blew me off through all of that and told me basically to "get my **** together" when I was falling apart. We all have flaws, but I am very ashamed he got to see a very tough time in my life.

3) I know I will not find answers and I'm not sure I would want them. The answers are clear and have been, this was his issue not mine and like any relationship his choices hurt me. Someday after much healing, many many many months or years from now, I would hope a platonic relationship could happen. It's awkward knowing him for so long and having he same friends but everyone knowing that there is such animosity between us. His friend (my old, old ex) even said "that **** is between you guys, you gotta figure it out".

4) Being down lately has to do with my job. It's been bad for over a year and we have lost tons of people. It's a bad environment and while I am/have been looking for a new & suitable position to move into it hasn't happened yet. The job is stressful and I come home bummed. I don't look to him for anything, I've been through worse and he wasn't there... Don't expect it now either.

Maybe you are right, I have tried from all angles. Its not even that I want to get it bad, I just wish for peace and no obvious hate. It's been nearly a year, this crap should have ended but that's why we don't talk b/c somehow no matter what I said he'd blow up on me.

Then again do you ever question whether you only see it "your" way? I guess I am the type to always forgive and also blame myself.

Thanks for your response. Where are you moving to?