Okay guys.. I am in serious need of advice here. I haven't been on LS in a while!!
I have been going out with my new bf for about 2 months now. We have technically been "dating" for 5 months. He is an amazing guy and I have not found someone who is a more suited match for myself until I met him. He just told me tonight that he applied for a year-long teach abroad program in Japan starting this August. This leaves us exactly 1 MONTH of time left to spend together. I am completely devastated. I cannot imagine living here without him. It also creates a huge problem: Can we do a LDR? What has been your experience with new relationships and LDR's? Ours is very new, and I am afraid that it won't be able to withstand a huge separation such as this.
I am also wondering, when he is away, should we remain friends, cut things off completely, or remain committed? I am very unfamiliar with this whole situation because my previous BF's were in college so they were always around. I never had the long-distance worry. I can't bear the thought of losing this guy. I really feel that he is special and I will fight to keep him in my life. I don't want to hold him back from a unique study abroad experience like this, but I want to maintain a relationship. How can I do this?? Any advice appreciated!
LDRs are very hard. They take some trust, some luck, and some effort. But they are possible. I dated my wife for nearly a year before we were able to be together full time.
If he is that special to you, I would suggest that you at least give the commitmet a try. You might have to specifiy that either of you gets an easy out if you can't handle it, but you don't want to skip trying. This assumes he is willing to try as well.
A big thing that helped me get through it is that I kept in regular contact with my wife. We had web cams, we talked on the phone, and we talked online pretty regularly. Certainly there wasn't always time and we didn't put our lives completely on hold just to talk all night, but we did talk whenever we had the chance. It made it more bearable for me.
Also, please try to keep things in perspective. One of the biggest problems by far in a LDR is that there is a fear the other person will meet someone else. This can doom you in no time even if there is nothing to the fear. People will go out with friends, that doesn't mean they are getting hit on. People will talk to folks of the other gender, that doesn't mean they are falling for them. Try not to let your fear get the best of you.
I wish you luck and hope you'll keep us updated with your choice and how it works out!
If I wasn't in one, I would never choose to be in a LDR. They are hard! Commincation is a MUST!!! Trust me... it's gotta come from both sides... not just one or the other doing all the work. Ask him where he stands on this issue... see if he's commited to being in a LDR with you. Some LDR's do work! Communication is all you got in an LDR - just make sure to keep good contact with one another. Establish the limits each of you is willing to set, and with good talks, emails, im's... it should work if each of you is commited to the relationship. Take Care!
Ashbash, I’m in somewhat of a similar position as you. My boyfriend and I spent 4 lovely months together, only to be separated by 4 more (2 down as of now!), the newness and the LDR- I know what you may be going through. I’m all the way in Asia while my dearest love is in North America. .. It is somewhat downright hard at times, but we are both making the best of the situation and our love gives us the strength to go on.
You can do an LDR if that is both want you consciously want. If you do really care for each other then I have no doubt that with ALOT of trust/communication/honesty you will make it through. I know many naysayers have their views that LDRs are impossible or more likely to lead to breakups etc but love can definitely become stronger like they say “absence makes the heart grown fonder”
With the technology we have now its impossible NOT to say in touch daily either with IM/email/international calling cards/texting/webcam etc.
Have a long and good heart-to-heart with him about what it is you two want to do.
A year really isn't that long. It seems like it at first, but if there is commitment and communication, you'll get through it. That being said, what is his primary reason for applying for this program? What is he getting out of it, other than the experience? That's kind of a yellow flag to me.
A year really isn't that long. It seems like it at first, but if there is commitment and communication, you'll get through it.
I agree that a year isn't that long. How does he feel? Do you both want to stay together? Can you be alone physically for that long? Is there any chance you can visit in that time?
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"I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so ****ty. And he'd say, "that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." That's the way romance is... Usually, that's the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too."
Thank you for your encouragement and optimism, Saffronblu. Karyyk- He has a Master's degree in Astronomy and he's having a really tough time finding a job- especially in our difficult economy right now. Astronomy is a very specialized field and there's not a huge demand for astronomers, especially those without Phd's. That's one of the main reasons for his applying to the Japan teaching program- It would be a job, but he would also get the cultural experience as well.
I can understand his rationale for doing it, but it's still eating me up inside, especially because this is a new relationship and I don't want distance to prevent it from blossoming. We had a conversation about this the other day. He basically told me that he thinks what we have is special, and he doesn't want it to end. He said that Japan is just one of his options. He is not 100% set on it yet. He has other leads for jobs in other areas of the US, as well. For example, he applied to a fairly promising job in NYC. If he does go to Japan, then I guess we will talk about long-distance options.... I'm not sure.
I think if you 2 really have strong feelings for eachother and stuff then you can at least try a LDR. If you decide to be in a LDR relationship then i would say the main things to remember is trust, communication and effort. You definatly need to talk about your feelings and thoughts together to stay strong. Also the time you have togeth take loads of pics and have great days out n stuff so you can look back on them all and smile and think of wot u have to look forward to!
I hope everything works out for you two and keep us posted
So, I have another question for you all: When I tell my close friends about the situation with my guy, they tend to say, "There are other fish in the sea. If he goes away, then it wasn't meant to be." Do you agree with this? Lots of people seem to think that if your S.O. decides to go abroad, or take a job far away, etc. that it "wasn't meant to be." Or, do you think that it was meant to be, but their decision made the most sense at that point in their lives and you've got to work around it? I'm still wondering about this.
I think that if someone leaves, they should ALWAYS know they are putting your R in jeopardy. My ex left a year ago for a job, and we broke up after TEN MONTHS of an LDR. One month before she was to come home. I wasted a lot of energy on that, and will NEVER do an LDR again.
Prepare for a lot of pain if you're going to do it.
As far as "meant to be," that is a concept invented by Hollywood and perpetuated by idiots who leave their lives to "fate," instead of being proactive and realizing that all life is, is a product of individual choices.
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You've got to admit it's getting better. It's getting better, all the time. - The Beatles
I am in your bf position. i am heading to China for a year of study in 42 days. My gf is starting to really cling. Every day she gets more anxious that something is going to happen. I will forget about her without being able to see her every day. I will find myself a "chinese girl", or I would get bored of her if she isnt around.
I can do nothing more than tell her not to worry and trust me. I have no idea if it will work. But I can honestly tell you I am not worried. I bought her a webcam and put skype on her computer. I can see and talk to her. I believe that she will be there when I get back, that she will wait. I believe that I will not say 'screw-it' halfway through the year. Other than that there is not much to do.
I trust her, she trust me. I don't worry because I have faith in her, and I believe in her. so i have nothing to be anxious about. Look at yourself, ask yourself how you feel about him. Will you wait, can you wait, do you WANT to wait? If so then you have your answer.
'let tommorow worry about itself, today has enough trouble's of it's own.' -jesus. Spend your time now enjoying the time with him, do those cute things to cherish. read a book in the park together, go on a picnic, just sleep in each other's arms. Don't spend your time worrying, you have no reason to. Just have a little faith and a 20$ webcam-yay skype.
Chatfouz- Your response was exactly what I needed right now. I'm feeling really anxious about my BF going abroad.. I think about it every single day and I feel really sad.... It's really helpful to hear your perspective, since you are in the same position as my BF.
Yes, Skype is a great invention. I hope that we can put it to good use. If my BF goes into the Peace Corps, however, I'm not sure if he'll be in a country where computer access will be available. All I can do is cross my fingers.. oh yeah, and like you said, enjoy every minute that I have with him until he leaves. ***
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