My wife had what I consider to be an EA for over 4 years which ended late last year after I told her I wanted a divorce. She says that she loves me very much, that she wants to stay married to me and that I should forgive her, so at this point I am undecided what to do.
I accidently found out about the EA in 2003 when she left her yahoo email open. I have talked to her about it on two prior occasions (2006 and 2007), and she has insisted that the guy is only a friend and that she would break off all contact with him. Obviously she didn't do this on the two prior occasions.
My problem is that I just can't get over it. At this point I don't have the same feelings for her that I did before this happened. She has pointed out that I cheated on my prior wife, and that I have a dual standard if I refuse to forgive her for what she did, which she insists was not cheating.
She has apologized several times, but for some reason the apologies don't seem sincere. At first she said 'I'm sorry if I hurt you -- then a long pause -- But I didn't do anything wrong.' Then she changed it to 'I'm really sorry that I hurt you'. I guess the 'But I didn't do anything wrong' is implied.
I have to either get over the way I feel or proceed with the divorce. My question is 'How do I get over the way I feel?'
She had an emotional affair with another man for over 4 years and feels she did nothing wrong to her husband? She clearly does not get it. She continues to justify this affair. The fact that she could betray you emotionally for 4 years would another man should make you wonder why you should remain with her. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been so accepting? Her actions indicate a total lack of respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
She claims it wasn't an EA and that he was never more than a friend. I let it go as long as I did because I wanted proof one way or another whether it was an EA or he was just a friend. I never did get it, although I've been to four counselors, discussed the contents of the emails and they all said that it was an EA.
Most of the postings that I read on here make it easy to determine that it was an EA. With her it was unclear. She made arrangements several times to meet him for drinks, and usually he canceled out on her. She sent him revealing pictures. He told her that he was disappointed that she was married and that if she was ever single again he wanted to be first in line. They finally met for drinks at least twice that I know about.
In August of last year he told her he was getting married. She asked why and he said "because you're not available and I have to settle for second best". She said "POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step."
She claims that she was only asking to postpone because as a friend she didn't think getting married was the right thing for him.
Postpone his wedding? for what? Your wife was probably into a EA and seriously tried to make it a PA.
I wonder what would happen if you had a female friend and started hanging out with her more often, go to the movies, call on holidays, show you emotions to?
And just tell your wife: She's just a friend!
Yeah right , friend my ass.
I dont think she loved you, she just settled for you. The thing is what do you want outta this marriage because if this is what it means to be married you dont need to be part of it. and you tell her that!
There's more to the story than you know. I would employ a 180 and live for you.
She claims it wasn't an EA and that he was never more than a friend. I let it go as long as I did because I wanted proof one way or another whether it was an EA or he was just a friend. I never did get it, although I've been to four counselors, discussed the contents of the emails and they all said that it was an EA.
Most of the postings that I read on here make it easy to determine that it was an EA. With her it was unclear. She made arrangements several times to meet him for drinks, and usually he canceled out on her. She sent him revealing pictures. He told her that he was disappointed that she was married and that if she was ever single again he wanted to be first in line. They finally met for drinks at least twice that I know about.
In August of last year he told her he was getting married. She asked why and he said "because you're not available and I have to settle for second best". She said "POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step."
She claims that she was only asking to postpone because as a friend she didn't think getting married was the right thing for him.
Gullible. You will never "get over it". You will never again trust her like you did before discovering the affair. Thats just the way it is. You haven't said how long you have been married, or whether you have children together.
If there are no children my advice is "DON'T POSTPONE, DON'T POSTPONE, DON'T POSTPONE" Just see an attorney, and begin to dissolve the marriage. Life is way to short to continue to live with someone who says they are sorry they hurt you .... BUT.
All of us know that everything after the "BUT" is only there to justify and negate what came before. She isn't sorry about anything besides being caught before she could walk away painlessly with her lover. Chances are good that next time she will be both more careful, and more successful in her endivours.
Sad but true. She's checked out of the marriage, and is waiting for the way to leave that is easiest for her, and which supplies her with the most profit.
She would NEVER, NEVER accept the behavior if the shoe were on the other foot. If your wife learned that you'd told a female friend to postpone her wedding so she could be with you, your wife would have your head.
4 years is a long time to have to deal with this ****. Personally, I wouldn't.
BTW, you shouldn't have to "get over the way you feel."
Your wife is probably trying to convince you of all your shortcomings...jealousy...insecurity...and being controlling, right? This is a BS tactic to justify the affair. She'll do everything that she can to convince you that the problem is on your end, and then she'll tell you that you need to forgive her and forget about the past. What steps is SHE actually taking to repair the marriage?
Your wife is probably trying to convince you of all your shortcomings...jealousy...insecurity...and being controlling, right? This is a BS tactic to justify the affair. She'll do everything that she can to convince you that the problem is on your end, and then she'll tell you that you need to forgive her and forget about the past.
Yes, that's right. She says that I have completely misinterpreted everything and that the guy is just a friend. She doesn't think that what she did was any big deal. She says the trouble is that I'm suffering from depression, that I wasn't happy in my prior marriage and that I'm not happy now, and that I wouldn't be happy if I divorced her.
Quote:
What steps is SHE actually taking to repair the marriage?
Sunday I made the decision that I was leaving her and moving out. After I told her, she went out to her car and came back with a 3 ring binder full of travel plans which she said were a present for my birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise, but she decided to tell me about it early.
Her daughter flys a lot and gave W two roundtrip tickets to anywhere for W's birthday, and so she decided to use them for a trip to Northern CA in October during the week of my birthday.
The trip is all planned out. The flight has been scheduled, the daughter has paid for the first night's motel, and they have planned the trip to a T. W has always wanted to go to Northern CA, and it seemed to mean so much to her that I told her I would go.
This is a tough one.. From what you have been writing, it all COULD be true (what she says). I mean, I know me and my sense of humor.. I could very well have these types of conversations and mean nothing by it. Doesnt mean I don't like the person, that they aren't a true, really good friend, that hell, I may be even attracted to in some way. It doesnt mean that some of the kidding around doesnt cross a line or 2. But it wouldnt mean that I was having an affair, that I didnt have a wife, that I didnt have as much "fun" with my wife either, in that way. The "Postpone it" thing could mean anything. No, not easy for you to read, I am sure. But unless I am missing something, you have no solid proof of anything. And trust me, I know what it's like to "wonder" what the hell is what..
Hang in there
Yes, that's right. She says that I have completely misinterpreted everything and that the guy is just a friend. She doesn't think that what she did was any big deal. She says the trouble is that I'm suffering from depression, that I wasn't happy in my prior marriage and that I'm not happy now, and that I wouldn't be happy if I divorced her.
Sunday I made the decision that I was leaving her and moving out. After I told her, she went out to her car and came back with a 3 ring binder full of travel plans which she said were a present for my birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise, but she decided to tell me about it early.
Her daughter flys a lot and gave W two roundtrip tickets to anywhere for W's birthday, and so she decided to use them for a trip to Northern CA in October during the week of my birthday.
The trip is all planned out. The flight has been scheduled, the daughter has paid for the first night's motel, and they have planned the trip to a T. W has always wanted to go to Northern CA, and it seemed to mean so much to her that I told her I would go.
Bull**** it's all manipulation. She knew you would leave that's why she pulled that stunt with you. If she aint commited to rebuilding the marriage? then what is there to talk about? She's being manipulative. you wont be happy if you divorce me? WTF? your not the one who's having the affair!
God you need to divorce her and be done with it. Dont go on the vacation with her, and start seeing a lawyer about your rights. Be serious about it.
If she doesnt give up this damaging friendship it's a wrap. You dont need the disrespect. and the gaslighting needs to end! she sounds like a complete bitch!
My wife had what I consider to be an EA for over 4 years which ended late last year after I told her I wanted a divorce. She says that she loves me very much, that she wants to stay married to me and that I should forgive her, so at this point I am undecided what to do.
I accidently found out about the EA in 2003 when she left her yahoo email open. I have talked to her about it on two prior occasions (2006 and 2007), and she has insisted that the guy is only a friend and that she would break off all contact with him. Obviously she didn't do this on the two prior occasions.
My problem is that I just can't get over it. At this point I don't have the same feelings for her that I did before this happened. She has pointed out that I cheated on my prior wife, and that I have a dual standard if I refuse to forgive her for what she did, which she insists was not cheating.
She has apologized several times, but for some reason the apologies don't seem sincere. At first she said 'I'm sorry if I hurt you -- then a long pause -- But I didn't do anything wrong.' Then she changed it to 'I'm really sorry that I hurt you'. I guess the 'But I didn't do anything wrong' is implied.
I have to either get over the way I feel or proceed with the divorce. My question is 'How do I get over the way I feel?'
Thanks.
I haven't read through the rest of the thread yet - but this phrase (bolded) struck me - it's all her isn't it ? She thinks you SHOULD forgive her ? Excuse me ?
Tell her this is no longer about HER but about how YOU feel and what decision YOU will be comfortable with - what a selfish witch - oh and inform her that what happened in your past R has little if nothing to do with you and her.
Bad enough when a partner uses a prior experience in their own R to justify their behaviour, but this is beyond belief to use what occurred in a past R to justify her actions in this one.
__________________
Life is too short.......period
Last edited by Lookingforward; 1st July 2008 at 6:25 PM.
Yes, that's right. She says that I have completely misinterpreted everything and that the guy is just a friend. She doesn't think that what she did was any big deal. She says the trouble is that I'm suffering from depression, that I wasn't happy in my prior marriage and that I'm not happy now, and that I wouldn't be happy if I divorced her.
Sunday I made the decision that I was leaving her and moving out. After I told her, she went out to her car and came back with a 3 ring binder full of travel plans which she said were a present for my birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise, but she decided to tell me about it early.
Her daughter flys a lot and gave W two roundtrip tickets to anywhere for W's birthday, and so she decided to use them for a trip to Northern CA in October during the week of my birthday.
The trip is all planned out. The flight has been scheduled, the daughter has paid for the first night's motel, and they have planned the trip to a T. W has always wanted to go to Northern CA, and it seemed to mean so much to her that I told her I would go.
Hmmm...so where does the 'friend' live ? Hope it's not northern CA
She tells this man to postpone his wedding and she will proceed to the next step with him? She claims that she did nothing wrong and he is just a friend?......Oh Please. The comment that she will proceed to the next step with him if only he postpones his wedding clearly implied she was now willing to screw him. I am sorry but there is no other way to interpret this. She is quite the manipulator. Enough is enough!
She tells this man to postpone his wedding and she will proceed to the next step with him? She claims that she did nothing wrong and he is just a friend?......Oh Please. The comment that she will proceed to the next step with him if only he postpones his wedding clearly implied she was now willing to screw him. I am sorry but there is no other way to interpret this. She is quite the manipulator. Enough is enough!
yep, that's one red flag that's waving wildly.........
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
