In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
I'm 43 years old, single and have been totally unable to form any kind of relationship for pretty much my entire life.
I can't get people to talk to me (so much for "it's what's on the inside that counts"). The only thing that I want is to have a girlfriend, and I can't see why it is that should be such a terrible thing for me to ask.
I've tried everything - pubs, bars, social clubs, internet dating. Back in the days before internet dating, I tried the old fashioned "introduction agencies" - all to no avail.
What is it that causes the female of the species to have such a low opinion of me? How do I find the mythical "someone for everyone"? How much longer to I have to "be patient"?
Or is it just time to accept that things are never going to change, that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, and just ensure that isn't far away?
In the end, what's inside counts for a lot. If it wasn't, then Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston would probably still be together. However, getting to know the 'real' you takes time. Most girls (and guys, in the reverse instance) don't want to spend six months getting to know someone to decide whether or not they want to date that person. You need that initial attraction to start things. It's like a fire; you need light kindling to get the flame started, and heavy wood to keep it burning. Sadly, you need both to make it work.
Now, as to why you're not having much success, not knowing anything about you or the events, it could be practically anything. So, let's try and cut the list by half, if not more:
When do most rejections happen? Are they before a date or after?
If they're before...
Where are the majority occurring? Do you try one type of place more than another (i.e. picking up girls in bars)?
How do you dress for the environment? Example: jeans and a concert T may not work well in an upscale martini bar.
What type of chick are you looking for? Bleach blondes with fake tits tend to go for a different type than mousey bookworms.
Do you have a 'stock' approach? What is it? Are you suave, sincere, funny, what?
Do you generally get the same response from girls? What is it? What physical responses do they give?
If they're after...
What is typical Date One? Most people have certain things they like to do on the first date (go for coffee, go to a movie, etc.).
Do you notice any consistent signs that the date isn't going well? If so, what, and when does it occur (within the date)?
What do you talk about on the first date? How much do you reveal about yourself?
Once again, if there's a consistent verbal response, what is it?
Miscellaneous Questions
What do you think is the reason?
Regardless of what women think, how do you view yourself?
What do you like about yourself? What don't you like?
What's the biggest change you'd like to make to yourself, and how much would you want to change it?
__________________
How can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does. - S. Morrissey
Wishing my Brother Rocky a speedy recovery. We'll get you back on the road yet!
- First impressions DO matter.
- Looks aren't everything, but read the point above...
- You gotta show enough interest in the girl but not too much that she'll think you're needy and clingy, or that your world will fall apart if she rejects you.
- Be friendly, but early on you gotta start showing hints that you can take your relationship with the girl to the next level... if you wait too long (which I personally seem to be guilty of) you get thrown into her "friends zone".
- Be yourself but DO show that you have confidence and that you enjoy being who you are.
Easier said than done, I know, but if you act now I think you'll find yourself an attractive mate much sooner. Go out there and break a leg!
What is it that causes the female of the species to have such a low opinion of me? How do I find the mythical "someone for everyone"? How much longer to I have to "be patient"?
Or is it just time to accept that things are never going to change, that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, and just ensure that isn't far away?
Need more information.
I'm a good decade and some younger than you, so I don't know if my advice matters....
Focus on you. your life and your endeavors. when you have free time, soak it up and really enjoy it - if by random chance you see an attractive woman, introduce yourself. Don't even worry whether or not she's interested and just focus on having a great time.
I've noticed that when you're focused on your own areas of interest and life, someone might take an interest and come your way.
Change your center of gravity from girlfriend to something that you do.
__________________
Fall in love again and again and again...
Only "in the end". If people find you physically unattractive, they never find out what's inside, so it counts for nothing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
When do most rejections happen? Are they before a date or after?
Before. Way before. Before I even talk to people.
And I mean that quite literally - not "I talk to them and they reject me", they reject even the concept of talking to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
Where are the majority occurring? Do you try one type of place more than another (i.e. picking up girls in bars)?
I've tried bars (non-starter, for reasons mentioned above), I've tried the online thing (again, non-starter. Option 1 - have a photo, and that puts women off; Option 2 - no photo, and they don't even bother reading emails). As the years wear on, there are fewer and fewer opportunities to meet people of a similar age, and there are also fewer and fewer single women who are interested in meeting a guy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
How do you dress for the environment? Example: jeans and a concert T may not work well in an upscale martini bar.
I'm pretty much a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy - but then, I don't hang out in upscale martini bars.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
What type of chick are you looking for? Bleach blondes with fake tits tend to go for a different type than mousey bookworms.
At this point, a pulse would be nice. I don't "go" for any particular physical type as such.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
Do you have a 'stock' approach? What is it? Are you suave, sincere, funny, what?
In the unlikely event anyone would let me speak to them, I'd probably "use" humour and a little intellect. But it's moot.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
Do you generally get the same response from girls? What is it? What physical responses do they give?
Depends; if they're with friends it's usually pointing and some comment along the lines of "have you seen that freak" and then laughing at me. If they're alone, they usually hit on the nearest guy rather than be anywhere near be (yes, I've actually seen that happen). But either way around, it's studied avoidance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
What is typical Date One? Most people have certain things they like to do on the first date (go for coffee, go to a movie, etc.).
It's been so long since I've managed "date one", that I honestly can't remember. Seriously.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
What do you think is the reason?
Physical appearance; it has to be - if people won't even let me speak to them, what else can it be?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
Regardless of what women think, how do you view yourself?
I'm a smart guy, with a great sense of humour and a good job.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
What do you like about yourself? What don't you like?
Likes: See above. Dislikes: My skin
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlaze
What's the biggest change you'd like to make to yourself, and how much would you want to change it?
I'd like to change my skin - and I'd give literally anything to do that.
- First impressions DO matter.
- Looks aren't everything, but read the point above...
- You gotta show enough interest in the girl but not too much that she'll think you're needy and clingy, or that your world will fall apart if she rejects you.
- Be friendly, but early on you gotta start showing hints that you can take your relationship with the girl to the next level... if you wait too long (which I personally seem to be guilty of) you get thrown into her "friends zone".
- Be yourself but DO show that you have confidence and that you enjoy being who you are.
Easier said than done, I know, but if you act now I think you'll find yourself an attractive mate much sooner. Go out there and break a leg!
All true - but sadly kind of misses the point. I can't even get someone to talk to me. This isn't hyperbole; this isn't wining - it's a statement of fact.
You sound like a decent fellow, but mate, you gotsa sort out your self esteem issues, you gotta take more pride in yourself. You gotta make changes, instead of sitting there in self pitty mode.
You lack self esteem by your post and this massive red flag for anyone, I should know, I was you once, son (you're about twenty years odd years older than me). You need take more pride in yourself, you need to be comfortable in your skin. You need to work on you, you need to fix your faults and fine tune your strengths.
Try changing your style of clothing, try getting a new hairstyle, try new hobbies, get out there and meet new people, but more importantly women and hone your communication skills with me. Start off with simple conversations with women, until you gain the confidence and self esteem needed to carry onto the next stage.
Sitting on your backside hasn't worked and it won't work. With a confident streak a man can turn from an average catch to a better catch. Like you, I am working on my confidence.
It takes time, but it needs to be done, it's time to break free and make the vital changes, but first work on yourself, make yourself appealing, use your knowledge, life experience and age well and you, sir can attract women, at least twenty years your junior and senior, if you likes em' old.
JP's right on the money. It's time for a re-do. Do you have any female friends that you trust? If so, invite her over for a beer or some wine. A little booze is likely to reduce her niceness and increase more honest, blatant answers. For once, this is a good thing.
You need her for a project. Men always complain that women are trying to change us, and now you're going to ask her to do just that.
Step 1: Body.
Ask her what it is about your body that turns women off. She may be harsh. Hopefully she will be, anyway. You're fat, you're scrawny, whatever. Whatever she says, don't take it personally. Remember: you asked for it. Whatever she says is wrong, write it down. Then make a plan to fix it. Trim down, bulk up, whatever.
Stage two: Attire.
This is the part that many women love. Get out your credit card and take her shopping...for you. You drive, she directs. She picks the store and the two of you get some new outfits for you. You're getting a new body; a new look should go with it, at least on a part-time basis.
Stage three: Vibe. She may need another two trusted girlfriends to help out here. Pick a joint you like going to where women frequent (bars, bookstores, wherever). If it's a bar, she'll need the friends so that she can focus on you and not spend all evening fending off guys (after all, she's here on business, not pleasure!). Have her go in ahead of you and get comfy. You come in a few minutes later (so no girls see you two coming in together and thinking she's your girlfriend), and act like you normally would. Ask her to watch how you act, how you move, how you talk to girls and what signals you're inadvertently sending out (as girls can pick up on 5,000,000 signals that we never knew of or intended to send).
No problem with my selfesteem - it's the esteem others hold me in.
At leas I see the irony in someone half my age calling me "son"...
I'm comfortable in it. it's others that aren't comfortable around it.
Sadly, there's no "fix" for my skin. I've seen some of the best dermatologists on the planet - and they'll tell you the same thing.
You're clearly telling tales, because you portray yourself as someone with self esteem issues, you seem like someone who isn't comfortable in his own skin and you seem quite happy to do nothing to change your situation and until you do that, no one can help you out.
Ask yourself this, if you haven't had a relationship for most of your adult then isn't it time you changed that? You blame women for your situation, but it's not women that you should blame.
Develop friends with women, get to understand them better and then work on forging more intimate relations with them. That's all the advice, I can offer, but ultimately something is broken and it needs fixing.
You're clearly telling tales, because you portray yourself as someone with self esteem issues, you seem like someone who isn't comfortable in his own skin and you seem quite happy to do nothing to change your situation and until you do that, no one can help you out.
Please take the time to read my words before hurling that kind of criticism.
If I have low self-esteem (which I dispute - I honestly have no idea where you get that idea from), it's because people like you ignore every word of what I'm saying and then put me down because they can't be bothered to listen.
I suggest you look up psoriasis, and then consider what it's like to have a severe case which quite literally covers your face and hands (i.e. the places where you can't hide it). People are frightened of it, because they don't know what it is. People are - quite literally - terrified of catching something if they get near me. Yes, *I* know it's not contagious, but most people don't. And there's no way for me to educate them otherwise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JP77
Ask yourself this, if you haven't had a relationship for most of your adult then isn't it time you changed that?
Seriously - if you've got a cure for my skin condition, I'd really like to hear about it. So would a LOT of other people. HOW do i change it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JP77
You blame women for your situation, but it's not women that you should blame.
I've said it repeatedly, and it doesn't seem to get through; women won't even talk to me. LITERALLY.
It's not that I talk to them, and then they get bored and wander off - the conversation never happens. So why do I blame women? Because they judge me based SOLELY on my appearance; my skin. No other factor involved. Please explain to me how I can find someone without ever even speaking to them?
But how can you ever possibly understand. Must be nice to live in your cotton-candy world.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
