I just wish I knew what he (xMM) was feeling/thinking. The last time we spoke he said he would always love me, always miss me, but he had to put me back in that hidden place in his heart in order to get his children back.
They did not call or send a card to him on his 60th birthday, or on Father's Day and I know he is very upset that they are NC with him.
But, for all I know he's back in the saddle and feeding me Bull!
Men who have affairs most of them once they get outta that daze with the OW she wont mean much to him. I've had guys I know do it, had side pieces and when it was all said and done they went back to their girlfriends like it was nothing.
They told me, the side piece was just a piece of ass. She's never gonna take the place of my wifey.
The mentality remains to this day.
This qestion is irrelevant. The more you dwell on the affair the more you keep it alive in your head and wont let it die. Focus on your marriage, the OM is not important.
Why do you care so much about his feelings? No matter how many questions you ask and answers you get, you will never know exactly what is going on in the MM's head unless he is willing to be honest with you. It doesn't seem like you are going to get that answer from him, so my question to you is: How long are you going to put his feelings at the forefront of your life?
Is it that you want him to feel the pain you feel? If so, as long as you feel that way, you are preventing yourself from moving past your pain and being happy. JMO.
__________________
We all make choices, it's called free will.
I just have to share something with you and I hope this makes sense. When I found out about my H's affair, I never wished anything bad for the OW. I know she wished bad for me and held on to that resentment for a long time. Her mean spirited thoughts about me kind of back fired on her in that she became bitter and unable to move on. She never met me, didn't know anything about me, but she wanted my H and if she couldn't have him, she wanted me and him to be miserable. There were days that I actually felt sorry for her, but most of the time, she was a non entity in my life and her efforts and energy were wasted.
You have no idea what's going on in their life. Don't waste your time on trying to second guess how he is feeling. Move on and do what you need to do to be happy yourself.
Last edited by herenow; 30th June 2008 at 10:30 PM.
I know in my head that you are right. I am trying to move past these feelings. But, in my heart - I still hurt. May be the rejection, may be because I have loved him too many years. It has been a month and 5 days since the blow-up, which is not long considering I have loved this man for 27 years.
All I feel I can do right now is get through one day at a time with NC.
Location: Straight North - sharp left turn at Happenstance
Posts: 1,567
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kamikaze
I just wish I knew what he (xMM) was feeling/thinking. The last time we spoke he said he would always love me, always miss me, but he had to put me back in that hidden place in his heart in order to get his children back.
They did not call or send a card to him on his 60th birthday, or on Father's Day and I know he is very upset that they are NC with him.
But, for all I know he's back in the saddle and feeding me Bull!
JMO - but...
If he truly loved(loves) you, he is in a great deal of pain, just as you are.
If he was using you, he is simply glad to out of the situation.
But... you need to get to the place where how and what he feels doesn't matter. You need to move on with your life and leave his life to him. Focus on your future without him in it. Let him focus on his life without you in it.
If something should happen in the future, so be it. But make this break clean so that your future is bright regardless of his circumstances.
Everyone just keep telling me this !!!!!! I THINK it is sinking in! I have another session with my doctor on Monday - with each one I get stronger.
I guess sometimes we as humans have to accept that "some things are better left unsaid as the truth is too painful to hear"
Maybe MM do love their OW, maybe they dont. Only the MM knows the answer to this question.
tHAT SAID, I too want to know WHAT I MEANT TO MY XMM - though i dont beat myself with this question everyday like i used to - the question us OW REALLY need to ask ourselves is " DO WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW ??? " As I said some things are better left unsaid as the truth is WAY too painful to hear rings true in both circumstances.
ALL OW - ask yourself this - this is what i now ask myself
Question 1
Do you REALLY want him to tell you that he USED you for sex?
OW, You may SUSPECT this is true and it kills you, but if your MM CONFIRMS this, are you not only making yourself FEEL SO MUCH worse?
Question 2.
Do you REALLY want him to tell you that he LOVES you, BUT for X, Y, Z reasons he cant continue to be with you?
AGAIN if MM CONFIRMS this, are you not only making yourself FEEL SO MUCH worse?
BEING AN OW IS A LOOSE/LOOSE SITUATION,
WE AINT NEVER GONNA WIN
Trust me - I KNOW that we want reasons, explanations, rationalisations, validations of our worth in the MM's life, but sometimes we have to ACCEPT that the reasons, explanations, rationalisations, validations etc may not actually be helpful and it's actually best to keep moving on, let sleeping dogs lie and not open up a fresh can of worms to torture ourselves further.
We got caught up in a destructive situation, now lets get out of it and be healthy and happy as life is too short not too.
BEING AN OW IS A LOOSE/LOOSE SITUATION,
WE AINT NEVER GONNA WIN
Trust me - I KNOW that we want reasons, explanations, rationalisations, validations of our worth in the MM's life, but sometimes we have to ACCEPT that the reasons, explanations, rationalisations, validations etc may not actually be helpful and it's actually best to keep moving on, let sleeping dogs lie and not open up a fresh can of worms to torture ourselves further.
We got caught up in a destructive situation, now lets get out of it and be healthy and happy as life is too short not too.
Totally agree with the above statement. When people get into an A they hurt everyone not just the W or H. (but all of you already know this)
The reality is this.... How many OW end up with MM after Dday???? Not many... so there is really no gold at the end of the rainbow. Stop lying to yourself and see the A for what it is.
I just wish I knew what he (xMM) was feeling/thinking. The last time we spoke he said he would always love me, always miss me, but he had to put me back in that hidden place in his heart in order to get his children back.
They did not call or send a card to him on his 60th birthday, or on Father's Day and I know he is very upset that they are NC with him.
So they disowned their father for screwing around on their mother? Doesn't surprise me.
I have a friend who, to this day more than 15 years ago, will not speak or has seen his mother because of what she did to his dad.
So they disowned their father for screwing around on their mother? Doesn't surprise me.
I have a friend who, to this day more than 15 years ago, will not speak or has seen his mother because of what she did to his dad.
I think that is very sad. I can see this happening if there were real physical or emotional abuse but not just because one of the OS fell in love with someone else - after having a terrible marriage for many years.
I wanted my father to leave my mother. She was a terrible person, made his life a living hell, then he died at 60 years old not having taken 1 single vacation his entire life. Life is just too short to live it this way.
I wanted my father to leave my mother. She was a terrible person, made his life a living hell, then he died at 60 years old not having taken 1 single vacation his entire life. Life is just too short to live it this way.
I can't tell you how many similar stories I've heard. Men staying their entire lives in bad marriages because of some misguided sense of duty - and not always with an OW on the scene. I have a couple of colleagues doing it even now.
I can't tell you how many similar stories I've heard. Men staying their entire lives in bad marriages because of some misguided sense of duty - and not always with an OW on the scene. I have a couple of colleagues doing it even now.
A man who really wanted to leave the marriage for himself and his own self peservation would.
A man who really wanted to leave the marriage for himself and his own self peservation would.
Spend a bit of time on the Marriage and Lifetime Partnerships forum and you'll see that that that, sadly, isn't always the case. Threads like Lanky / LankyGuy's illustrate how difficult it is for someone who's trapped to extricate themselves, even when they know it's the sensible thing to do. (And no there's no OW involved in that one, either.)
Spend a bit of time on the Marriage and Lifetime Partnerships forum and you'll see that that that, sadly, isn't always the case. Threads like Lanky / LankyGuy's illustrate how difficult it is for someone who's trapped to extricate themselves, even when they know it's the sensible thing to do. (And no there's no OW involved in that one, either.)
Thank you for the tip about the other thread. I will read there also. Tomorrow is the 4th - and I plan to have fun this weekend, NC with xMM, and really try to distract myself. Then on Monday I have a session with my doctor. I feel better today. Starting to rebuild my self-esteem. It is my life Da** it - and I am going to take it back.
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