I'm really thinking that I can't handle any more of her indecisiveness. I need answers. I need to know that the way I feel isn't something being taken for granted.
If she can't decide on whether she wants to work on our marriage or get a divorce, I'm at the point where I can make the only decision that I can. I just wonder how I should talk to her about it, since it was her decision to move out and separate.
I want to make this work, at the same time, why bother with someone who doesn't care.
Think about both options, but preface them with , "Well, I could....."
and see which one feels more logical.
It will probably hit you as a gut feeling, the one you feel most inclined to follow......
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
I want to make this work, at the same time, why bother with someone who doesn't care.
I think you are starting to see the light! Don't bother asking the questions you think you need answers too... You will only get lies and half-truths. She has an agenda to get out of the relationship, otherwise she would be right at your side telling you she loved you, making the relationship work.
Just tonight, after being separated for little better than a yr., I had this uncontrollable urge to call her and tell her to shiite or get off the pot. I didn't know how I was going to broach the subject, but I called anyway, after 6 mos. of NC.
To my surprise, she hadn't moved on it yet, and after the initial 60 sec. of awkwardness, she asked if thats what I wanted. I said,(not in a mean way, but more of an indifferance), since when does what I want, have to do w/ it?
Afterwards, we had a pleasant conversation, for almost an hour. I ended the convo. after I brought up the options again, and said she'll have to take time off work to get it started. She asked if I was in a hurry, and I said, no, I just wanted to know, cause I'm sick of looking for it in the mail. She said I'm in no hurry either cause I'm not getting married, so I'll try and have it done this summer.(I told her I wasn't paying for it in the beginning of the call).
I won't read into her non-action, for the very simple fact of what cta7978 stated. "otherwise she would be right at your side telling you she loved you, making the relationship work."
I don't know what my point is, but good luck to you.
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IF WIVES WERE GOOD, GOD WOULD HAVE ONE.
------- Old Russian Proverb --------
I'm almost there dead. Almost. Not sure why I feel hesitation. She's gone. I'm emotionally spent. I don't even look forward to seeing her anymore. Wow.
I don't even look forward to seeing her anymore. Wow.
bingo theres your answer!
If she's gone and/or comming back and forth (if so) it's a waste of your time. Like you said your "emotionally spent", she may want to get back together but may be scared?
what happened? was it infidelity? emotional and/or physical abuse? fiancial troubles..? there are so many reasons why and to pin point and see the cause of the destruction of your marriage is a key essential to learn how to move on and grow.
Good luck to you and I really hope you both part in a civilized and if possible friendly manner.
Keep us posted.
__________________ Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful.-Bishop Jeremy Taylor
Don't be the one to file for a divorce - let your STBXW do it.
Remember your daughter... You do not want to have to explain to her later in life that you broke up the family and filed for a divorce because her mother was indecisive.
Trial separation, nothing legal. We went to a lawyer and it was the exact same process and cost of a divorce, except after all the paperwork, you're still married.
We agreed on terms for custody. She gets the daughter 4 days, I get 3 days a week. Lately, we've been spending so much time together that I see my daughter daily. We've been trying to work things out, but for the most part it's her just saying and doing whatever she wants with me listening and trying to be understanding. She vents about the problems of the marriage, problems with me, how she feels frequently. I've yet to really get into my issues with the marriage for the sake of building up, pulling her back from her decision to divorce.
This strategy of complete giving is hard. I'm starting to see that my heart can not just give and give and give. I need someone who will appreciate me and my love. Even if I have my faults, problems, issues.
NY is a fault state - if you can't prove fault, the opt out is a legal separation - 12 month separation with all of the divorce terms spelled out. After 12 months either party can get a divorce with a piece of paper and not need other spouses' approval. The legal separation is still a legal document
Trial separation - is just living apart with out paperwork- nothing formal
Anyway - you have decent terms for custody.
As far as the hard work - who said marriage isn't hard work ... Giving giving giving and not expecting anything in return... Hopefully the other spouse is doing the same thing. Right now she is not... maybe she will in time... just do your best in an effort to save your marriage... if she leaves after you do all of that, you will at least know you did your best.
Currently I am in the NC phase - I am so upset that I do not want to hear her voice or see her - soon I will try to get back to the civility stage.
She's going to IC today to talk and sort out what she wants. She sent me a text message last night saying goodnight. I seriously did not want to text her back. I feel like any conversation we have is about making her feel better about our relationship. That sickens me.
I think I need space now to sort out how I feel. What's wrong with me. If she asked to move back in today, I'd say no. I like how I've become on my own. I enjoy how much I've changed for the better. I am a better person without her.
I've wondered this while married and now I think it's true. She holds me down and I'm sick of her treating me like a friend, like a liability. I've loved her for her dependency, openness, dedication to me, and the physical chemistry. I'm starting to wonder if any of that was real enough. I'm surprised and confused.
I don't see what is missing - friendship, intimacy, dedication... Seems great
Or is it that you prefer the excitment of the swinging bachelor lifestyle ?
I would prefer to be married, see my daughter each day, go to dinner, have a regular predictible lifestyle... with a little fun thrown in.
To be honest, I'm not sure anymore. I know when I'm out and about, I'm having fun, not worrying about anything. I'm in my natural state, meeting people, doing my thing. I feel good about myself. I feel confident and alive and free.
When I attempt to work on my marriage I feel sad, hurt, angry, and unloved. I feel like my wife wants to hurt me and make me pay for not being there.
Ok, well she just called me up. She finished her IC session and she feels a lot better. She said the counselor says that there is some hope for us. I think the main thing I got from our conversation together was a sense of relief from my wife. She sounds like she feels better about everything. I just listened. I'm not as bitter as when I started this post. I feel more calm and understanding, once again.
I'm not giving up, but I just can't handle a full week of contact and the pressure of bottling up my feelings, needs, love for the sake of her happiness. That's killing me and my love for her. I want to be there so she can heal, but damn, it's hard.
Ok so now what? 3 days and very minimal contact. Only regarding her counseling session and a few texts from her saying goodnight and one asking if "are you still awake?".
What the hell? Does she not know that talking to me as a friend is running my emotions through the ringer? I honestly do not feel up to agreeing that her feelings about our marriage are valid. I need time to just relax and regroup.
I'm annoyed. She made this decision because she was unhappy. How is that my fault!?
I'm pissed off that she keeps telling me she wants to work on it and then proceeds to tell me she doesn't feel anything for me.
I'm confused because every time we spend some time apart(1 week) she comes over and we get physical. What is she doing?! I have a feeling this weekend, we are going to get physical again and I'm just going to be left holding the emotional baggage.
Are we working on this damn marriage or what? If so, you need to move your ass back in here and work on it with me. I need to be able to communicate exactly what's on my mind. You need to feel free to communicate exactly what's on your mind. We need to be able to find peace together and happiness from our relationship. Love is a god damn choice, not some fairy tale feeling!!
Finally, if we moved and we were at a location where you could meet people and have family around, I have no doubt that you would miss me and love me again. It's not me that's the problem here, it's you. You blame me for all the damn problems in our marriage, when you didn't say a word to me. You just went on autopilot and blamed my gaming and lack of attention as the source of all our problems.
Screw that, I'm not the problem. You're the problem.
...............
Ahhhh..better. Ok now I can actually be civil and understanding. Let's hope when we meet today, I'm not a total prick. Thanks! :P
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