Well, in 16 days it will be one year since he left. I love him absolutely every bit as much as I did the day he walked out, if not more. I'm glad I told him to take a hike when he finally called, but it doesn't mean I miss him or love him any less. I still love him unconditionally, always, for exactly who he is.
I got invited to a friend's birthday party this past week, and I didn't go, because I'm just not able to enjoy meeting new people since he left me. I'm still way too scared to put myself out there since I'm not a musician, and I couldn't trust anyone even if they could be interested in me in spite of that. And then I got invited to go out to dinner and to hear a band with some other good friends who are in town, but I couldn't bring myself to do that either. I simply do not feel attractive, interesting, or cool enough to go out and be around others. He took that away from me. And as such, I have spent the past year turning down all, and I mean ALL, invitations to do social things.
I doubt I will ever be able to meet new people again. All I hear in my head, still, all day every day, is "You're not a musician, you should stay home, you're not good enough to go out and have a social life." And as such, I have stayed home. I've never gone out less in my life than I have in the past year. I go to dance class and rehearsal, and I go out and run my errands as quickly as I can, and other than that I stay home because I'm not a musician.
I wonder if I could ever get back to a place of feeling like I had anything to offer to anyone. Not even as a partner, because of course I know I'm not good enough to actually love, but just as a general acquaintance. I know there will never be love in my life again, because I will never approach or trust anybody, but I would like to be able to go places again someday. I would like to be able to meet people.
My goal for the next year of my life is to go out and do something fun, just once. And to talk to someone new, just once. I haven't done that in a year. But I know I can't do it until I find something about myself that is worthwhile. So that's another goal for the upcoming year: find something good about myself, something interesting, anything at all that might give me the strength to talk to people again. Just one thing. Now I have to see if I can figure out what that thing might be.
Last edited by sedgwick; 30th June 2008 at 3:23 PM.
Well, in 16 days it will be one year since he left. I love him absolutely every bit as much as I did the day he walked out, if not more. I'm glad I told him to take a hike when he finally called, but it doesn't mean I miss him or love him any less. I still love him unconditionally, always, for exactly who he is.
I got invited to a friend's birthday party this past week, and I didn't go, because I'm just not able to enjoy meeting new people since he left me. I'm still way too scared to put myself out there since I'm not a musician, and I couldn't trust anyone even if they could be interested in me in spite of that. And then I got invited to go out to dinner and to hear a band with some other good friends who are in town, but I couldn't bring myself to do that either. I simply do not feel attractive, interesting, or cool enough to go out and be around others. He took that away from me. And as such, I have spent the past year turning down all, and I mean ALL, invitations to do social things.
I doubt I will ever be able to meet new people again. All I hear in my head, still, all day every day, is "You're not a musician, you should stay home, you're not good enough to go out and have a social life." And as such, I have stayed home. I've never gone out less in my life than I have in the past year. I go to dance class and rehearsal, and I go out and run my errands as quickly as I can, and other than that I stay home because I'm not a musician.
I wonder if I could ever get back to a place of feeling like I had anything to offer to anyone. Not even as a partner, because I know, of course, that I am not good enough to actually love, but just as a general acquaintance. I know there will never be love in my life again, because I will never approach or trust anybody, but I would like to be able to go places again someday.
My goal for the next year of my life is to go out and do something fun, just once. And to talk to someone new, just once. I haven't done that in a year. But I know I can't do it until I find something about myself that is worthwhile. So that's another goal for the upcoming year: find something good about myself, something interesting, anything at all that might give me the strength to talk to people again. I have to see if I can figure out what that thing might be.
Hey Sedge
I can understand still working on wanting to be reading to date others, but you should try as much as possible to get out and at least enjoy the company of others (in a non dating way). Im sure people would love ot have you out with them!
It's not healthy for the psyche to avoid interacting with others, and you can end up in a cycle of avoiding any events.
Oh, I am definitely at the "avoiding any events" stage! In the past year I've gone out MAYBE 10% as much as I used to, and that's just to run errands or go to dance class or perform. There were a couple of things going on in the city this weekend I wanted to attend, but I just couldn't make myself leave the house and take up space in the universe that could be taken up by a musician instead. I'm trying to get to the point where I just feel like I have enough worth to go outside and be around people. I used to really enjoy going out and meeting others, but now I'm too embarrassed to try. That's why my goal for the next year of my life is just to find one thing I want to go out and do, and to go out and do it, even though I'm not a musician. I have to do a book tour next spring and I'm already freaking out about it, because I'm afraid anyone who comes will just be looking at me going, "God, she's just a writer, it's not like she's a musician or anything, how dare she stand up in front of people!" So I have to try to force myself to go out and see that others might not reject me for my career choice the way he did. If I can just work up the nerve to go see a movie or eat in a restaurant or hear a band or something, I know it will go a long way toward getting me ready for the tour. I just have to focus on small steps.
Last edited by sedgwick; 30th June 2008 at 3:34 PM.
Oh, I am definitely at the "avoiding any events" stage! In the past year I've gone out MAYBE 10% as much as I used to, and that's just to run errands or go to dance class or perform. There were a couple of things going on in the city this weekend I wanted to attend, but I just couldn't make myself leave the house and take up space in the universe that could be taken up by a musician instead. I'm trying to get to the point where I just feel like I have enough worth to go outside and be around people. I used to really enjoy going out and meeting others, but now I'm too embarrassed to try. That's why my goal for the next year of my life is just to find one thing I want to go out and do, and to go out and do it, even though I'm not a musician. If I can make myself go out to a movie or to hear a band or something at some point in the next 365 days I will be really proud of myself.
Im very sorry that you are still having this tough a go.
I can understand still working on wanting to be reading to date others, but you should try as much as possible to get out and at least enjoy the company of others (in a non dating way). Im sure people would love ot have you out with them!
It's not healthy for the psyche to avoid interacting with others, and you can end up in a cycle of avoiding any events.
I totally agree.
Sometimes just getting out of the house and hanging out with people is the hardest part of recovering from heartbreak.
__________________
...and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
I just feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone who might be kind enough to speak to me if I went out, and I therefore would rather not bother them. I think I just have to keep on working on developing something about myself that might be interesting to others. But given that I'm not a musician, I'm not sure what that might be. I used to think writing, dance, knitting, crocheting, and shooting film could be of interest, but I no longer believe those things are worth much. I don't have enough faith in myself to try picking up an instrument again, and therein lies the issue.
If I could just find someone who would teach me to play music without laughing at me for not already knowing how, maybe I could start going out again. But I'm too intimidated by musicians to approach them now, even to offer to pay them for lessons. I used to go out and hear music all the time, but I haven't at all in the past year. I miss it, I really do.
I've read a lot of your posts and you come across as a very accomplished, intelligent woman who has achieved a lot in her life.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but in almost every post you mention the fact that you're not a musician and thats the reason he gave to you for breaking up.
Have you ever considered that saying that was just an excuse he used to break up?
I'm a musician myself, and have grown up being around them, but its never effected any relationships.
I've read how you've much you've achieved in your life. Could it possibly be down to the fact that he felt 'less of a man', living in your shadow. You're suceeded with your chosen careerpath, you're an acomplished business woman, you're a published author. He is a struggling musician.
Most men wouldn't admit to feeling inadequate. Its a well known fact most men prefer to be the main earner in a household and can feel inadequate if this isn't the case.
Have you ever considered that he used the 'not a musician' line as a getout clause? An excuse? Rather than admit to his own insecurities or lack of success?
Its a long shot, but it might just be the case? It would explain why he's retreated into himself, and, by his own admission, become reclusive, since you broke up.
Realistically, how many people do you know who have split up because of a difference in careers? Apart from maybe if you're a vegetarian and you partner is a butcher!
I just feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone who might be kind enough to speak to me if I went out, and I therefore would rather not bother them. I think I just have to keep on working on developing something about myself that might be interesting to others. But given that I'm not a musician, I'm not sure what that might be. I used to think writing, dance, knitting, crocheting, and shooting film could be of interest, but I no longer believe those things are worth much. I don't have enough faith in myself to try picking up an instrument again, and therein lies the issue.
If I could just find someone who would teach me to play music without laughing at me for not already knowing how, maybe I could start going out again. But I'm too intimidated by musicians to approach them now, even to offer to pay them for lessons. I used to go out and hear music all the time, but I haven't at all in the past year. I miss it, I really do.
Sedge - is the drive to become a musician something YOU really want? Or this just trying to become something that your ex wanted?
I know for sure he wasn't intimidated by me -- he's an extremely talented musician who makes his living playing and recording. Yeah, I'm a dancer/writer/knitter/filmmaker, but none of those things were good enough for him. He needed a fiddle player and I guess it took him a year with me to figure that out. Which means he spent a year going to my readings and my dance performances and watching me knit things for him, and even all that stuff added up over a year's time wasn't enough to hold his interest or convince him I had any talent.
The worst part is that he has an ex who was also just a writer but he was really in love with her and sad when she dumped him. As far as I know she's not published, but the only thing I can come up with is that she was a better writer than I am and therefore he was able to love her even though she didn't play music. I mean, I don't know what else it could be.
I did and do want to play music, and was taking lessons when we met. But then I got into a dance company and had to choose, and I selfishly chose dance. I regret not having spoken with him about this now, of course. I feel as though my choosing to give up music lessons in order to be in this company was very disrespectful of him and what he loves, and I am ashamed of myself for not having talked it over with him first. I should have found a way to do both, but then I sold my book and it was just out of the question. I barely have time to write and dance and finish my knitting commissions as it is. But still, I know that's not an excuse.
I haven't even opened my banjo case since he left. I would love to try playing again but I'm way too intimidated now. I just feel like playing music must be so much harder and more impressive than all the stuff I do that I'm scared to even try. I used to feel a lot of joy when I heard and moved to live music, like I had a right to be there, like musicians might enjoy our presence as much as we enjoy theirs. But now I know that's not the case, and it makes me feel embarrassed. I mean, as a dancer, I used to get so much out of being around musicians, and it sucks knowing that they don't get inspired by the collaboration like we do and are basically just doing us a favor being there. I used to feel like there was this whole world of sharing and learning to be done between dancers and musicians, and it makes me sad knowing that's not the case on their end. So now I know I should just leave them alone with their music and stop thinking I have something to offer, which makes me really sad, because I for one think dance is really intricate and complicated and beautiful -- just like music. But I guess musicians don't see it that way.
I used to have this silly fantasy of practicing together -- of him wanting a half-naked bellydancer slithering around his bass. I thought it would be so cool if we could really feed each other's art and teach each other something. I wish musicians could want that.
Last edited by sedgwick; 30th June 2008 at 4:23 PM.
I know for sure he wasn't intimidated by me -- he's an extremely talented musician who makes his living playing and recording. Yeah, I'm a dancer/writer/knitter/filmmaker, but none of those things were good enough for him. He needed a fiddle player and I guess it took him a year with me to figure that out. Which means he spent a year going to my readings and my dance performances and watching me knit things for him, and even all that stuff added up over a year's time wasn't enough to hold his interest or convince him I had any talent.
The worst part is that he has an ex who was also just a writer but he was really in love with her and sad when she dumped him. As far as I know she's not published, but the only thing I can come up with is that she was a better writer than I am and therefore he was able to love her even though she didn't play music. I mean, I don't know what else it could be.
I did and do want to play music, and was taking lessons when we met. But then I got into a dance company and had to choose, and I selfishly chose dance. I regret not having spoken with him about this now, of course. I feel as though my choosing to give up music lessons in order to be in this company was very disrespectful of him and what he loves, and I am ashamed of myself for not having talked it over with him first. I should have found a way to do both, but then I sold my book and it was just out of the question. I barely have time to write and dance and finish my knitting commissions as it is. But still, I know that's not an excuse.
I haven't even opened my banjo case since he left. I would love to try playing again but I'm way too intimidated now. I just feel like playing music must be so much harder and more impressive than all the stuff I do that I'm scared to even try.
Get the case open and get that instrument out (the banjo that is! lol)
You have NO REASON to feel that choosing dance was disrespectful to him. Goodness, if anything, he should've praised you for persuing your interest in dance and supported you in doing so. Please don't put yourself down.
As far as the previous girlfriend is concerned, who's to say whether or not she was a better writer? It has nothing to do with whether you're published or not.
Individualism and freedom to choose are two things that humans have that animals don't. You don't have to fit in with someone elses plans in life, or make your decisions to 'please' them. Far from it. One of the major benefits of being in a loving relationship is that you have support from your partner in whatever you choose.
Please read your post again. You're trying to reason that you didn't take the music option, as choosing dance meant you did something disrespectful to him, yet don't give any credence to the fact you evidently preferred the dance path and are obviously good at it.
Can I just ask one question? Was the previous girlfriend you mention a musician too?
Nope, she was just a writer. That's why I can't figure out how come it wasn't okay with him that I'm a writer too -- and the only thing I can come up with is that she must have just been a way, way better writer, and her writing has a worth mine doesn't.
His two gfs before her were fiddle players. One he broke up with because she wasn't a good enough fiddle player and the other dumped him because he made her feel like she wasn't a good enough fiddle player. He never wanted to play with her because there was always someone better and it hurt her so she broke up with him, and then he was all devastated she ended it.
Justine, as a musician, do you see any worth in dance, or is it just something you view as a secondary art form, something to be done by those who can't play music?
Nope, she was just a writer. That's why I can't figure out how come it wasn't okay with him that I'm a writer too -- and the only thing I can come up with is that she must have just been a way, way better writer, and her writing has a worth mine doesn't.
His two gfs before her were fiddle players. One he broke up with because she wasn't a good enough fiddle player and the other dumped him because he made her feel like she wasn't a good enough fiddle player. He never wanted to play with her because there was always someone better and it hurt her so she broke up with him, and then he was all devastated she ended it.
Justine, as a musician, do you see any worth in dance, or is it just something you view as a secondary art form, something to be done by those who can't play music?
To be completely honest - I'd love to be able to dance! Its another art form (one that I can only do whenever I've had a few drinks!) Music, art, dance - they're all creative forms of expressing yourself. They're all connected.
Dance isn't a poor runner up. Its a very expressive artform and you should be proud of yourself at being able to do it. (I wish I could!)
There is no point at all comparing the two. Its like comparing red and white wine. Some people will prefer red, some white. Whose to say one is better than the other?
The point I was trying to make to you in earlier posts, and one that maybe is confirmed by the fact the girl who made a big impact on him, had no musical interests at all, is that he used the 'not a musician' line as an excuse. You put yourself down a whole lot. Please realise your own self-worth. So many people will live their whole lives and not have done what you have. Give yourself credit - you've certainly earned it.
You're still grieving the loss of this guy, but theres a good chance its not because of the reason he gave you - putting the owness on you. If the history with his girlfriends are anything to go by, he seems to use this musician line as his 'get out of jail card' to end a relationship. From his point of view, its far easier to use a line (and even believe it) that for him to face the real reasons why things aren't working out.
Sedge, I have noticed something about you ... When someone puts you down (on LS) you defend yourself furiously and let them know every positive thing about you, and there are lots of positive things about you, yet you really put yourself down.
You know deep inside just how cool you really are you just need to work out how to trust in those feelings!
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"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself." - Anais Nin (1903-1977)
I'm usually just a lurker trying to make sense of my own break up but I when I have to chime in, I just have to! Sedgwick, girlfriend! There is whole world out there that does not care one whit about whether you are a musician or not....really, no kidding, I mean it! These are the true caring normal people who look to the person, not the occupation. I know you are still carrying the torch but the flame is out and all you are holding is a burnt out piece of wood that does you nothing but weigh you down.
You live on the lower east side, right? I am down there alot - on 8th by the Park. It is a happening place with so much to do and lots of energy. Go out and be the person that you are. Go to the Hari Krishna tree, listen to whoever is playing music there and think about yourself and your place in this world. Every minute you do not make the most of, you lose. And why? And what for? For some jerk who minimized you for the most stupid reason of all - you are not a musician??? Well what the hell was he, a brain surgeon? At least there is universal value to that, they save lives!! Come on, you are a bright gal, get back in touch with your value.
Don't allow any more of your hours to be wasted. This life is yours, reclaim it.
I'm being a bit tough here but damn, it hurts me to see you disrespect yourself so much because of a man who is not worth it. You need to begin respecting yourself. You have plenty of reasons to, the dance, the book, and I don't even know you, but I will bet there are a thousand other reasons that make you wonderful.
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