[EMBeee]

My LD bf keeps telling me that he doesn't want me to be his "rebound"... what is a rebound exactly? I know what it is but what exactly?

I know it means a relationship right away after a break-up, but does that mean they go back to the one they just broke up with? Does it mean they go onto a different person? Does it mean that they used you to get better and no longer need you once they are better? I just need some insights here...

He keeps telling me that he cares so much about me and I'm too good of a person to hurt and he doesn't want to ruin the "special" thing we have and that he doesn't want me to be "the" rebound... I'm lost...

So my perception is that he would rather be with someone else who he would treat as his rebound - not me?

BTW... I do have my guard up full force now ever since our awkward conversation the other night, just in case you're wondering and to tell you the honest truth... I haven't felt happier in 10 years! Very odd, but true!

[Nevermind]

It's when they use you to get over their own hurt. Some do without knowing it, but once the pain is healed and they are feeling good again, the attraction fades away.

If he is saying this to you, it's not unlikely that he knows he has been using you. Either because he really cares about you (my guess) or because he is not even ready for a rebound.

The reasonable thing to do is take it as a warning and leave him alone until he knows his own feelings, then he can try again.

Glad your feeling better, btw.

[torranceshipman]

I think he is trying to say that he thinks the absolute world of you and thinks you are a special person, but that he now realises that this was a rebound, ie a nice way of dealing with the hurt of the previous breakup.

I bet he REALLY hates the idea of hurting you, whatever the reason for his behaviour, he obviously cares about you a lot, but maybe not in a truly romantic way.

I'd say you want space for a few weeks....this'll clear your head and give him a chance to see what he's missing, and then you'll both have the chance to work out what you want more clearly.

[HisLove]

I think a rebound relationship is a new relationship immediately after (or even during the ending of a previous one) a significant partnership.

People don't always know that is what they are involved in until some time has passed and some healing and clarity is achieved after the ending of the significant partnership.

Myself, I have involved a man in a relationship before I was honestly ready to be in it. What I mean is that he was the rebound relationship for me. There were times he would say to me that I wasn't ready and I would swear up and down that I loved him and knew how I felt etc. It was true at the time, I'm not the sort of person to emotionally trick or deceive somebody.

One day, and it was about 6 months into the relationship, I finally stopped running (from myself as it were)...and had to admit that I was a mess and needed to be by myself and not drag anybody along for the ride. I broke it off. As I said, I'm not one to deceive anyone. I've ended many relationships in a bid to be emotionally honest to myself and others. I do not cling to relationships rather than be alone.

I feel awful about it. I didn't do it intentionally. What I have learned is that you need AT LEAST a year, probably two, learning who you are again as a single person, before getting emotionally involved with another person. It may even take longer for the person who was the partner who was left in the significant long-term relationship as they have to deal with abandonment and loss - if you are person ending the relationship you have often processed a lot of the feelings and are somewhat in control of what you do. Throw into the mix property settlements and maybe children and there's a big mess to untangle even if it's something that is ultimately good for you. The ties that bind are difficult to sever. Habits and familiarity are very seductive.

If I were you, I would take him at his word. Say thank you, and tell him to call you in 3 months to see how things are travelling. If you are meant to be together, taking a hiatus for 12 weeks won't hurt. If neither of you are sure at that point, take another 12 weeks.

Good luck to you.

edited to add - I have often heard people talking about a book called Surviving your Boyfriend's Divorce (or something like that) and they have found it very helpful. Maybe it could give you some insight into what he is going through.

[Ronni_W]

Originally Posted by EMBeee

My LD bf keeps telling me that he doesn't want me to be his "rebound"... what is a rebound exactly? I know what it is but what exactly?

I think it's one of those terms that's open to subjective interpretation. I tend to go with what Nevermind said: It's when they use you to get over their own hurt. The 'rebound' becomes their therapy.
It could also be where people use it to deny their hurt feelings. Kind of, "Well, I'm dating so I must be fine and totally over my ex...right?"

I would ask your LD b/f exactly what he means, when he uses the term. What are his specific fears? What is making him think that he could be in a rebound? What parts of his prior relationship are still causing him anxiety, distress or pain?

Possibly if he really starts to look deeper than just the word, he'll find he has nothing to worry about...or he'll find out which aspects of the old he still needs to resolve/heal.

I was convinced that my current relationship was a (deliberate) rebound -- I guess after 10 ten years I had better start re-evaluating that belief . Now, that is in HUGE part due to the amazing support, patience, understanding and commitment of my amazing b/f. (If it really is a rebound for him, you will likely need to also embody those types of traits.)

But...feel free to share with your LD b/f that rebounds CAN and sometimes DO work out. Best of luck.