So the STBXH and I are still living under the same roof. I can NOT, and I repeat, NOT move out right now. I'm about to have a nervous breakdown as it is with going to school 6 days a week and then working 2 or 3 nights on top of that. Then dealing with the furkids, having to study, trying to figure out lunch/dinner/etc (for myself), looking for jobs in my current field of study and going to interviews, and trying to decide if I even want to STAY in this area. So people, the answer, "You need to move out" isn't going to work here. If that's all you have to contribute, thank you - I know. That doesn't help.
ANYWHO...onto the "situation." So STBXH still acts all sweet to me and stuff like he thinks he's going to get a second chance. He calls me pet names and leaves messages on my phone saying he thinks I'm beautiful, etc. So basically he's giving me the attention he SHOULD have been giving me before I filed for divorce. It really is starting to grate on my nerves and push me further away.
I HAVE told him I don't like it and I wish he would stop. He says that he has a right to say/do those things if he wishes. The only reason I haven't been outright RUDE to him is that he has been my best friend for the past 5 years - it is INCREDIBLY difficult to give up THAT part of our relationship. I don't want to lose him as a friend. And if I am outright RUDE to him and tell him to knock it off, he is very black and white, so I could easily lose him as a friend. Basically it's all or nothing.
I wouldn't say he's being pushy, it's more like he thinks if he loves me enough, it'll drive me back into his arms. He just doesn't get it. It's too late. I keep asking him if he realizes we are getting divorced - he says yes. But then he'll talk about things like "our" kids (we don't have any together - he's talking future-tense) and "our" house (again with the future-tense). I just don't know what to do. Am I leading him on by trying to just be his friend and not cutting him off altogether? I didn't want to completely lose this person from my life. But it's getting to the point where I have to decide WTH to do.
It's also in our best interest to be at least a bit amicable with each other because we still have to do taxes together next April because we have a company together. It also makes life easier because he's willing to help me out financially, with the animals, and with covering some of my shifts at work. Do I just keep putting up with the syrupy sweetness to get what I want or is that unfair?
So basically he's giving me the attention he SHOULD have been giving me before I filed for divorce. It really is starting to grate on my nerves and push me further away.
I dunno. Maybe start to change how you respond to whatever he is doing or saying? It's quite likely that he's just looking to push your buttons ~ kind of, any interaction is better than none (in HIS mind.)
So, he goes, "hey, honeybun, you look gorgeous!" And you go, "thanks but that doesn't change the bigger picture."
Something like that. You could even say, "that's lovely to hear, snookums, but it still doesn't change that we're getting divorced." Whatever you feel like saying, really. "That's great...and it is raining in London."
Living with the stbx (or ex) is NOT easy but it can be done -- I know cos I did it for years. Can be done but it sure ain't no picnic!
What helped me was always keeping in mind my own ("selfish") reasons for being there, a really positive mindset, and a HUGE sense of humour about every and all things that go on, inside and outside the house.
MUST be able to laugh at yourself when you do something like: he sneezes and you say out loud, "bless you" and then you think, 'you big freakin' moron freak.' (I seriously used to find myself doing stuff like that, then I'd go in my room and just laff and laff at my own non-productive thought patterns.)
So basically...change how YOU respond to his foolishness -- he likely will get tired of not being able to 'needle' you any more, and stop it. Best of luck.
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"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol
I agree with Ronni, it's not easy but if you think of it as something you are doing for your own benefit, it's a little easier. Don't let the pseudo-romancing get in the way, I believe it's just game playing, just testing your responses. I've been living with my ex-husband for 2.5 years and we went through the whole divorce process without a hitch, the only problem has been selling the house, so right now it's financially beneficial to live together until I can buy my own place. I am sure it's harder for you, since you have the business issues,etc. Try to maintain your own space in the home, avoid interactions unless necessary and remember why you are divorcing, write it down and look at it daily, because it is very hard not to fall back into old patterns of behavior.
Thanks, guys. What's interesting is that he doesn't use those pet names directly to me. It's like he knows if he did, I would say something right back that he wouldn't like. But he says it on voice messages on my cell and also on text messages. It's getting annoying.
But it does help that I'm away from home so dang much because of school and work. I hardly ever see him. We have separate rooms on separate floors of the house. I will admit, however, that when I just want to relax and watch TV, I watch it in the living room. Knowing full well that he'll come sit on the other end of the couch and end up rubbing my feet. It's pretty much the only time I really let him touch me, so I know he eats it up. I'm just not a big believer in TV in the bedroom, so the only TV I have is in the living room.
Thankfully, however, like I said - I hardly see the guy. I go to bed pretty early because I have to get up early. So I think I see him for MAYBE a total of 4-5 hours per week.
I'll just keep putting up with it, I guess. It's only the messages, so it's not like I have the urge to smack him when he says it. I just delete them. I was kind of hoping there was some way to get him to quit it.
OP, you are such a peach! I'm sure that if any future suitors you might have.. would run like scalded cats if they could read your post.
Wouldn't it be more human to find yourself a small apartment, and wait out the divorce by yourself, making a few minor financial sacrifices to reclaim your humanity?
Rather a quick, brutal death, than torture by a thousand cuts.
Agree that TV in the marital bedroom ain't necessarily the best thing, but in non-conventional situations one must sometimes adapt .
I'd consider the possibility that you're actually encouraging those annoying texts and voice messages by accepting his foot rubs -- might be the time where you sacrifice one to find peace with the other.
Unfortunately it's easier to make self-changes than get others to stop or start their own changes...but yes, that would make life a lot easier sometimes, huh? Best of luck.
OP, you are such a peach! I'm sure that if any future suitors you might have.. would run like scalded cats if they could read your post.
Wouldn't it be more human to find yourself a small apartment, and wait out the divorce by yourself, making a few minor financial sacrifices to reclaim your humanity?
Rather a quick, brutal death, than torture by a thousand cuts.
*snicker* Good thing that the idea of a romantic relationship of any sort makes me sick to my stomach, huh? The thought of being with ANYBODY in that capacity right now actually turns me off in the worst way. It sounds like a tremendous waste of time.
Obviously you didn't pay attention - moving out is not an option right now. I go to school for about 50 hours a week if not more some weeks, then I work about 36 hours on top of that, I also have at least 1 test per week (last week it was 2) that I have to study for. In addition, where the heck am I supposed to get the money for deposits and up-front cash for a place right now? Any shifts that STBXH works for me - he gets the money for. I don't have any extra money. I make enough to cover MY personal bills, he helps out with the joint stuff like utilities and rent. If he was not doing so, I could not afford to BE in school right now. I'd like to know how I could go about finding a small apartment where I would be paying less than the half I am paying right now for the bigger place? The area I live in has one of the healthiest economies of the United States right now. Apartments are actually pretty rare in this area, truth be told. Most recently I saw a studio advertised for $900...I'm paying $800 right now for my half of a 3-bedroom, 2 1/2 bath duplex.
Ronni - I hear what you're saying. I'll strongly consider the possibility of putting a TV in my room despite how much I hate that. I think you may be right. And your suggestion was far more helpful. Thanks.
*snicker* Good thing that the idea of a romantic relationship of any sort makes me sick to my stomach, huh? The thought of being with ANYBODY in that capacity right now actually turns me off in the worst way. It sounds like a tremendous waste of time.
Obviously you didn't pay attention - moving out is not an option right now. I go to school for about 50 hours a week if not more some weeks, then I work about 36 hours on top of that, I also have at least 1 test per week (last week it was 2) that I have to study for. In addition, where the heck am I supposed to get the money for deposits and up-front cash for a place right now? Any shifts that STBXH works for me - he gets the money for. I don't have any extra money. I make enough to cover MY personal bills, he helps out with the joint stuff like utilities and rent. If he was not doing so, I could not afford to BE in school right now. I'd like to know how I could go about finding a small apartment where I would be paying less than the half I am paying right now for the bigger place? The area I live in has one of the healthiest economies of the United States right now. Apartments are actually pretty rare in this area, truth be told. Most recently I saw a studio advertised for $900...I'm paying $800 right now for my half of a 3-bedroom, 2 1/2 bath duplex.
Ronni - I hear what you're saying. I'll strongly consider the possibility of putting a TV in my room despite how much I hate that. I think you may be right. And your suggestion was far more helpful. Thanks.
I paid attention. I just don't agree. You say relocating is not "an option". If your still married to him husband decides that he's fed up, he can go to court and MAKE YOU MOVE OUT, or move out himself leaving you holding the bag. You are full of all the things you "cant do" or are unwilling to do because they will cause you hardship.
How much hardship are you foisting on your Hustand? He loves you and is willing to be the responsible party.. but that could end literally at any time.
You better hope that one of his friends or reletives who has gone through an unwanted divorce doesen't tell him what HIS OPTIONS are, because if that happens, you may be looking into the price of a box under the bridge.
School and 3.5 baths are secondary to basic shelter. You are leaving the marriage. You do not deserve the level of comfort your husband is providing. And... you think that's just fine.
LSD - He doesn't have any close friends or family. That's his choice. He most recently signed away rights to his children. The man is alienating himself from EVERYBODY.
And yeah, I think it's "okay," because we talked about it BEFORE I went into school. We made a verbal agreement. It is the only reason I decided to go into school rather than move out first. I understand I am not legally protected, but I'm lost as to why I should feel guilty.
In addition, nobody OWNS the duplex - we are renting. Both of our names are on the lease, so I'm confused where either of us would have grounds to force the other out. He's more than welcome to walk out on me - I don't care.
I paid for the schooling myself - that's $2,500 that would be down the drain, not to mention the past month and a half of my life that if I chose to throw it away, I'd have to redo it again. That's just pure stupidity.
I would not say it is not an option at all - I would say it is not a smart option. It would cause hardship for more than just me, LSD. We would then have to face selling off most of our furniture, he'd have to also find somewhere else to live because he can't afford to stay there by himself, we'd both have to come up with deposits out of thin air to pay for our separate new places, we'd separately have to pay our own moving costs, etc and so on and so forth. So me staying in the house isn't just doing ME a favor financially - it is also helping him out.
I would also like to point out something I mentioned in another post. When I am not in school and am working all of the shifts myself, I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN HE DOES. I'm insulted by your insinuation that I'm getting some kind of financial benefit by being with him. Please. You don't even understand half of the situation. I am able to independently support myself, thank you very much. At the current time, however, he and I both agreed that it would be better FINANCIALLY to just stay put until I at least finish school.
I'm grateful that at least he sounds like a better person than you are. You have most recently judged me without knowing the full background of the marriage, told me he might kill me if I start to date, and insinuated that I am financially taking advantage of him. I would just like to point out that I hardly think somebody stalking another individual across state lines is the best person to be giving relationship advice.
I'm grateful that at least he sounds like a better person than you are. You have most recently judged me without knowing the full background of the marriage, told me he might kill me if I start to date, and insinuated that I am financially taking advantage of him. I would just like to point out that I hardly think somebody stalking another individual across state lines is the best person to be giving relationship advice.
Well there you go. Not suprised that now you are attacking me. I am not sorry I didn't go searching for your previous posts looking for your backstory.. generally it's your responsibility to let us poor inferior males (and posters in general) know if you have other threads yo uwould like us to read.
I am also positive your H is a better man than me, as I wouldn't put up with your behavior, btdt, it's a no win situation. As for your "stalker" comment, not so. I OWN my home outright, I live in it comfortably. I volunteer at the senior center, work and support myself reasonably well, have my degree's, and a life to be proud of in my rear view mirror, including two adult children. I do not live a covert life. I'm in the local phone book, have a local license, insurance, vehicle registration and business licence. Heck, I seldom leave the house after dark! I live where I want to live. I am very happy with my choices. 8 years after my divorce I needed a change of scenery too!
But... so be it. I'm happy for you, and for your husband. I'm sure he will be better for the whole experiance eventually. I'm also sure you will learn from your experiances.
Good Luck and gawd bless.. It's gonna get worse before it gets better. You'll need all the strength you can muster.
Didn't feel I was attacking you, merely stating a fact.
My "behavior." Wow. Shows how little you DO know about the situation. I have put up with so much crap in this marriage, it's incredible. It doesn't justify crapping back, but I don't feel I'm doing anything wrong aside from the thing I said about watching TV with him - I admit that's not all that fair. Situation to be shortly remedied.
I am so confused on the behavior thing. Seriously. We talked before I went into school. That was AFTER we had filed. We both agreed it would benefit the both of us to just stay. Neither of us is getting the upper hand in this situation. But anyway - judge neither of us unless you know both of us. He is no angel, that's for dang sure. If you need verification, the guy had cybersex with a girl that WAS one of my best friends before that occurred. And I was still stupid enough to give him a chance after that. So yeah, I guess I'm just the embodiment of any woman that has ever done you wrong.
I haven't done anything wrong, here. I was the one that filed for divorce - he could have left the house. He chose not to. I have made it clear time and time again that I'm not going to change my mind and he said he doesn't want me to. Ours would actually be one of the most amicable divorces you have ever seen in your life because neither one of us is looking for revenge on the other person.
Didn't feel I was attacking you, merely stating a fact.
My "behavior." Wow. Shows how little you DO know about the situation. I have put up with so much crap in this marriage, it's incredible. It doesn't justify crapping back, but I don't feel I'm doing anything wrong aside from the thing I said about watching TV with him - I admit that's not all that fair. Situation to be shortly remedied.
I am so confused on the behavior thing. Seriously. We talked before I went into school. That was AFTER we had filed. We both agreed it would benefit the both of us to just stay. Neither of us is getting the upper hand in this situation. But anyway - judge neither of us unless you know both of us. He is no angel, that's for dang sure. If you need verification, the guy had cybersex with a girl that WAS one of my best friends before that occurred. And I was still stupid enough to give him a chance after that. So yeah, I guess I'm just the embodiment of any woman that has ever done you wrong.
I haven't done anything wrong, here. I was the one that filed for divorce - he could have left the house. He chose not to. I have made it clear time and time again that I'm not going to change my mind and he said he doesn't want me to. Ours would actually be one of the most amicable divorces you have ever seen in your life because neither one of us is looking for revenge on the other person.
I'm sure you made "verbal" agreements concerning your school, and other aspects of your life. I'm equally sure you made a "verbal agreement" when you spoke your wedding vows. IMO both have equal validity.
You can do what you want. It's the 21st Century, actions no longer are gaurenteed to have consequences. Again, Good Luck.
IMHO, LSD isn't so much "attacking you" (for lack of a better phrase ~ so much as he is the"Walk-A-Way" wife syndrone that has become so prevalent over the course of the last fifty to seventy years.
LSD and I are Marines, he former, and I retired. When we "sign on" Marines are generally in it come "Hell, high-water, or damnation!"
By God!
It use to be that being a "good and faithful, duitiful man with a decent job was enough for most women? Not anymore. Its women that have "screwed the pooch" when it comes to marriage!
Men today constantly hear from women, "I need more! and I want more! Your best isn't good enough! More! More! More! Its never enough?
Me? I'm a Spartian, and I don't mean that in jest! I eat once a day, happy and content if its just a can of beenie and wiennies, or some rice or ramen! I could live in a cave, it wouldn't matter to me.
Most Western women couldn't make it a day without modern luxuaries such as bathrooms, carpeting, and showers.
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I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
Soulsearch - Your situation sounds ideal. No acrimony despite living in the same house whilst going through divorce. You also have no children, so you don't have to have any post-divorce contact. Financially, you will both struggle by the sound of it, but you will both find your feet eventually, people always do.
One comment I want to make. There appears to be a hint of anger in what you say. Is it mainly because your H had cybersex with your friend or are there other issues? Sorry, I didn't read your other posts.
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