Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
I have been with my girlfriend for nearly three years and we are now engaged. We have a wonderful, loving relationship. I know she loves me more than anything in this world, as I do her. My concern is about her past relationships. The fact that she has been open with me about them (in the beginning) is commendable, but there have been a few little details that I don't believe she needed to share with me.
She had an on and off again 4-year relationship when she was younger, but eventually broke it off because she knew it wasn't right for her. She then went abroad, met up with a man, and kept a travel diary, including intimate details of their time together. And when I asked her if she had ever had a one-night stand, she admitted that she had, with an old friend from University. I find myself becoming angry with her for writing such things and for the decision she made to share the most intimate act with someone for only one night....even if it was a friend.
This started my concern about her value system, namely having sex versus making love with someone you care about. To my knowledge, this is the extent of her "sexual" past, although I know there are other people she has dated.
She has recently moved in with me, which involved her leaving her home city, friends, family and a good job. She has secured a new job, and we're happily involved in planning our wedding, and I do know that she has certainly made a huge sacrifice for our relationship. However, during the process of unpacking, I stumbled across the said travel diary and read some of the details, which was very hard for me because I instantly had a "visual". She said she'd forgotten about the travel diary, didn't realise it was with her many books and said she'd never even read it. I explained that I did not want these things in "our home" because I wanted to build our own memories and leave the past behind, so she threw out the travel diary. A few days later, when we were finishing off her unpacking, I found a photo album featuring, among other things, pictures of she and her first boyfriend -- and this after I had explained how I didn't want any of this stuff in our home. She felt very bad and said she'd forgotten about this album as well and that her friend must have packed it without mentioning it to her. She agreed, even encouraged me, to destroy all the pictures, which I did. I burned them. She also told me that they mean nothing, are insignificant and that she wants to move on to the next chapter of our lives.
Am I over-reacting about these things, and about the fact that she said she just forgot them? I am the last person to pass judgment on past mistakes and I am completely willing to leave it behind. It's just that these things keep surfacing and that's what makes me uncomfortable. If there was nothing concrete to be found, I wouldn't have a problem. I'm looking for honest feedback here. Thanks.
She is the great girl she is BECAUSE of her past, not in spite of it. She probably learned a lot from those experiences, sexual or not, which molded her into the girl you now love.
I dont think its fair of you to ask her to deleat her past like that. Im sure you also have a past, and Im sure you wouldnt want her to be telling you to erase everything you lived before you met her. Come on now.
I think you need to relax and let bygones be bygones. Forget about them and be thankful she is so understanding that she didnt have a hissy fit when you ask her to throw away her memories like that.
Most people keep mementos of their pasts, including pictures and diaries, and would never under any circumstances get rid of them. They hold no power except as a history of a life.
That she got rid of her diary when YOU found it amongst a pile of books, and YOU snooped into her private diary and read her private thoughts that she wrote long before you were around should tell you how much she values you. I would have been angry that you read my private diary without asking, and I would never destroy something that reminded me of who I was back then, my younger days.
As for photos, I would never get rid of those either. What for? Those were photos of her, too. Pictures of her life, a snapshot in time. She's moved on.
Don't you have any memories? Don't you have ex-girlfriends? Do you love your fiancee any less because those exes existed in your life? Weren't those relationships part of your life's journey that brought you to where you are now, able to love and appreciate your fiancee?
I think you should be grateful you have a woman in your life who will cater to your retroactive jealousy, and will destroy all tangible evidence of her life that makes you jealous.
Will you try and erase the memories in her mind, too? If so, do it by being a loving, caring, husband, not a jealous one.
She's committed to you now, isn't she? You have a past too, I'm sure. When she originally told you about her past, why didn't it bother you at that point, but bothers you so much now? By throwing out the diary, and allowing you to burn her old photos, it seems she's making a huge gesture for you. If she were tied to them emotionally at all, that would be very difficult for her and she'd probably get defensive rather than immediately apologizing.
It sounds like you have a wonderful thing going here, examine why her past bothers you so much, but don't let it become a problem in this wonderful time in your life! But if it is going to be a problem, find a way to deal with it so you don't begin to resent her for things she's done before she even met you!
I think it's cool that she allowed you to destroy them. So don't worry about anything.
Um, NO. What you did was controlling and irrational. So she had a past of people she dated and slept with..I'm sure you did too. Your retroactive jealousy is rediculous, as she is not with those people anymore, she is with YOU. She wants to spend the rest of her life with YOU, so let it go. I'm surprised your fiance let you control the situation like that and burn her things..I would never stand for that kind of thing.
I think it's cool that she allowed you to destroy them. So don't worry about anything.
Yeah. I think she's very nice; she understood how you feel and allowed you to do that. No need to keep pictures of her past around if they don't mean anything to her. You love your fiance which is why you feel the way you do, nothing ridiculous about that.
Um, NO. What you did was controlling and irrational. So she had a past of people she dated and slept with..I'm sure you did too. Your retroactive jealousy is rediculous, as she is not with those people anymore, she is with YOU. She wants to spend the rest of her life with YOU, so let it go. I'm surprised your fiance let you control the situation like that and burn her things..I would never stand for that kind of thing.
Yes.
I agree with everyone else. You are definitely overreacting. This controlling/dominating stuff seems sort of obsessive and creepy, as well. Poor girl.
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You are definitely controlling and I agree with other posters that your behaviour is a total overreaction. This poor girl agrees to marry you, leaves her friends and family to relocate to you, and you get all crazy over the fact she (shock!) had a personal life before you. Get over yourself man, you're being ridiculous and your behaviour is not normal. In fact, learn to appreciate the great girl you have.
Whats the betting that your controlling behaviour will cause real problems down the line....
Um, NO. What you did was controlling and irrational. So she had a past of people she dated and slept with..I'm sure you did too. Your retroactive jealousy is rediculous, as she is not with those people anymore, she is with YOU. She wants to spend the rest of her life with YOU, so let it go. I'm surprised your fiance let you control the situation like that and burn her things..I would never stand for that kind of thing.
Get over it and enjoy your life with her.
Ummm, No. Nothing wrong with not wanting sexual diaries of past loves and sexual photos of your fiance in your home.
His fiancee had no problem getting rid of them.
You're the one on here who posted tons of problems you have with your boyfriend including that he roughhouses you in bed and you put up with it, etc. etc. etc. so stick to drug counseling.
I believe you are seriously overreacting. I would have been furious if my boyfriend/fiance went through my personal things without my permission and to top it off get upset about things that had happened in my past.
The fact that she was willing to throw them away shows that she values your feelings, you shouldnt be upset.
I agree with the other posters, everyone has a past, even you, and you are asking her to completely erase it for you. Her past is what made who she is today. You really shouldnt have read her things, its not like she put them out there for you to see them so now you are just going to have to get over it and move on. You really dont have a right to take it out on her.
I know how it must feel, but its something you are just going to have to overcome if you are going to be married to this girl
Ummm, No. Nothing wrong with not wanting sexual diaries of past loves and sexual photos of your fiance in your home.
His fiancee had no problem getting rid of them.
You're the one on here who posted tons of problems you have with your boyfriend including that he roughhouses you in bed and you put up with it, etc. etc. etc. so stick to drug counseling.
Wow, bitter much?
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 30th June 2008 at 10:47 AM..
Honestly I dont think YOU have any right BURNING anything of hers. In fact, it just shows your controlling nature. Wouldn't it mean more IF SHE is the one who burned those momentos. There is no guarantee that your relationship will even last and for you to destroy all her past memories is not right. Would you want her future husband doing that to all the stuff you two had together? I agree that she should have NOT HAD THOSE THINGS IN your new home, BUT it's obvious she didn't want to get rid of those things and shouldn't have to completely destroy them either.
Gee what did you think? She was a virgin or had no boyfriends before you?
Ummm her past is irrelevant- who cares? You are getting married. Why should it matter what she did 4 years ago? We were all young, naive & stupid at one point in time.
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"Laughter is the best medicine."~Patch Adams
I think you were overreacting. A person's past is a part of them, but it's also just that- the past. It's over. Who she was back then isn't necessarily the person she is now. It was sort of a stop along the road to being the gf that you're getting married to. That being said, she threw out the diary and got rid of the photos. Try and put them out of your mind. She did her part. And if you can't do yours, then I suggest taking a long look at yourself and try to figure out why it's bothering you so much, and why you can't let it go, because I guarantee that tendency is something that will surface again.
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