Alright, so my best friend is away in Vegas right now. Her husband and her always hang out with me, so when her husband showed up after work at my house with a case of beer, I thought nothing of it. I knew his friends were all away, so we are friends, right? He is threatened by his wife's friendship with me because I am one of her only friends outside of their relationship. All of her other friends are through him. I wanted him to be less threatened. I thought that if we hung out a little, then he would realize that I am as much of a friend to him as I am to her. I figured we could hang out as just friends and that he would go on his merry little way. He just needed someone to hang with. I thought I could trust him, and trust his relationship with his wife (mind you I was in their wedding).
The kids went to bed after playing with their adopted "Uncle." We hung out on the porch and drank. We played cards, and we talked about his relationship with his wife. We talked about my relationship with the xMM, and he told me what a pig of a guy he thought the x was. It was all completely benign. It was nice to think that I had a guy friend that didn't want anything more than just talking. I mean we even talked about the fact that he was beginning to think that he wants his own kids FINALLY (mind you this has been an issue because my best friend has wanted them forever). I realized I was getting drunk, so I stopped drinking. I told him it was time for him to get going because he had to be at work in the morning, and then he made a pass at me. This was not one of those little flirtations that could have been misconstrued. This was an overtly sexual pass. I told him to go, and to call me when he got home so I know he made it home alright. When he called, he apologized for his comments, and I pretended that I was too drunk to know what he was talking about. I "didn't remember" the conversation.
Not even for one second did I want to take this guy up on his offer, and I know that he would have regretted it if he had done anything (with anyone, not just me). I somehow just don't want to make this situation worse. I want to pretend that it didn't happen. The only thing about that that bothers me is, what if it hadn't been me? What if it had been someone else that didn't care about his wife as much as I do? He would have slept with someone if they had said yes. That bothers me. I don't feel that I can bring it up to my friend either. What do I tell her? Your husband came onto me while you were away (mind you she knows we were drinking together, and she didn't mind at all). Also, he could just turn it around on me and say that I came onto him. I cannot lose my friend over all of this.
What really gets to me is that I really felt that this was the type of guy that truly loved his wife. This man wouldn't ever cheat, right? He loves my best friend, right? Can I chalk it up to him being drunk, or is there a bigger problem there? Would all men, given the chance, cheat? I guess it just gives me no faith in men whatsoever. I know that I will never place myself alone with him again. I think that is just tempting the devil. I would never do anything, but I don't want to tempt him into making another pass because then I know that I would need to bring it up to his wife.
Is this about me? Am I a magnet for married men? Do they think that because I have slept with a MM in the past, that I will do it again? My morals have not gone out the window because of my past mistakes. If anything, they have gotten stronger. I will never be involved in someone else's marriage again. I will never again be the cause of someone else's marital issues. It just got to me. If anyone has anything to say, that would be great.
Let me work on this a little. I'll bet you are a very attractive woman. Young woman. I'll also wager you are friendly and a little flirty. And you are "needy" right now having just crashed and burned in a relationship.
Am I close?
The Married Men in your life, at least the ones who are immature and have low levels of self control see the above. They see you as "available" and decide to add you to the list of their conquests.
It's not your "fault". You shouldn't have to live like a Nun in a convent. Trouble is, there aren't many men under 30 years old who have the self control to be "just friends" with any woman. I understand there are some here on LS who will deny this, however... in my experiance it's true.
If any of those men had the ability to look farther than six inches in front of them they would see that along with sex, comes the possibility of a lifetime of responsibility.
Oh wait... this is the 21st century. The age of No Fault divorce, morning after pills, walk away wives (and husbands) and no personal responsibility. I forgot, my bad.
Every attractive woman is a "Magnet"... when actions have no consequences.
Am I a magnet for married men? Do they think that because I have slept with a MM in the past, that I will do it again?
Unfortunately, yes. That is how men think. Once you've, uh, "proven" yourself in a certain role in their minds, you're stuck with it. In their minds. But I hope you realize that what's in their minds has no bearing on your present reality, or anything to do with who you really are... or where you want to go with your life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistresswchildren
My morals have not gone out the window because of my past mistakes. If anything, they have gotten stronger. I will never be involved in someone else's marriage again. I will never again be the cause of someone else's marital issues. It just got to me.
That's great, but the men don't know that.
I'm glad you didn't do anything with him. And I'm really glad he apologized. I think you both want to forget it ever happened. I just hope this doesn't blow up in your GF's face.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Yup, I'm glad nothing happened between you both too. I'd forget the whole thing (honestly, I don't think that's easy to do) and I don't think spending time alone with him would work for me the next time!
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Accept the past as past, without denying it or discarding it - Morrie Schwartz
I think he may have had this agenda planned out when he "showed up" with enough beer to ensure that you got inebriated and your inhibitions were lowered. On the surface, he may have considered you an easy mark because of your past relationship with a MM but, deep down I believe his attempt at forging a sexual liason with you would have accomplished his goal of "divide & conquer" to limit your relationship with his wife. If he is in fact insecure about how close you are to his relationship then successfully pulling this stunt off would have kept you in his back pocket to create unspoken strife and tension between you and his wife and an eventual drifting apart of your friendship with her.
Be very careful around this guy in the future.
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"I put my Gucci watch on, synchronize the time, and let's rock....LET'S ROCK"!
Unfortunately, yes. That is how men think. Once you've, uh, "proven" yourself in a certain role in their minds, you're stuck with it. In their minds. But I hope you realize that what's in their minds has no bearing on your present reality, or anything to do with who you really are... or where you want to go with your life.
These were my thoughts too. Some people are simple creatures with one track minds. He knows you as The Mistress and that is that.
I would advise you to forget it happened, for now anyway.
I would also assume you are his closest female friend. If you spend a lot of time with a person of the opposite sex, and it becomes a very close relationship, its very natural to develop feelings for that person. For this guy, I bet you are his "other" wife. The one that is just like his wife, but without all the pressures and work that comes from his real wife.
It happens. It happened to me, with my H best friend. We spent a ton of time together as the three of us, and he developed "feelings" for me. Its not me he liked, it was the fact that I was really the only woman he was close to, could be himself with. Thats what he liked.
Your friend's husband was lonely, tipsy and made a pass. I bet he is Horrified at what he did. Ignore it, make sure you don't spend time alone with him and distance yourself a little. If he does it again, TELL HER. If he doesn't leave it alone.
Yes, maybe they assume you are available to be with married men because in the past you were. Well, now you get to prove their assumptions wrong.
Don't worry about it, you will come to see that you can only control you, not their opinions of you, and pretty soon one will start to match the other! I deal with this at work too, people assuming incorrectly that I'm easy because they assume correctly that I was with xMM. You know what I think about that? If the shoe doesn't fit anymore, don't wear it, and sooner or later they'll realize they had you figured for the wrong size of shoe.
And even if they don't ever realize that, oh well, all that matters MWC is that you are a wonderful person who has learned and grown from your past mistakes. YOU know you are no longer a person who settles for less than you deserve or who does the wrong things because you are too weak to change. You know you are strong and you have changed and that's why you should love yourself and say boo to the haters or those who think they can use you. You know no one can use you anymore, you are your own awesome person!
Best wishes to you MWC, your recent posts have been so down on yourself and I understand, I was there too, but it gets better. ((hugs MWC))
PS This guy's a jerk who wants to be a cheating MM-- great aspirations!-- I'm glad you recognized that and stayed away from him. See how strong and wise you are?!?! Good for you.
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"The unexamined life is not worth living."
~Socrates
These were my thoughts too. Some people are simple creatures with one track minds. He knows you as The Mistress and that is that.
I would advise you to forget it happened, for now anyway.
OP,I can't tell you what to do(I would tell my friend), but maybe you should consider not hanging out with M male friends if their partners aren't around. I am not saying that you would go there again, but they do know your past and they may try to take advantage of it. Even tell a few lies to make themselves look better with the good old boy's group.
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Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
Yes, maybe they assume you are available to be with married men because in the past you were. Well, now you get to prove their assumptions wrong.
Don't worry about it, you will come to see that you can only control you, not their opinions of you, and pretty soon one will start to match the other! I deal with this at work too, people assuming incorrectly that I'm easy because they assume correctly that I was with xMM. You know what I think about that? If the shoe doesn't fit anymore, don't wear it, and sooner or later they'll realize they had you figured for the wrong size of shoe.
I love the shoe analogy! Brilliant Nadia.
Mistress, you'll need to put up your guard a bit while you learn even more about yourself and others.
Just b/c my good friends husbands don't have the need to drop over w/o their wives, a small red flag would have gone up with the CASE of beer, so I would have proceeded with "guard up" mentality. I don't know the entire conversation, but there may have been hints and points that you really weren't saavy to then, but maybe in retrospect give you an "aha."
I told you that you will start to be able to pick the liars, cheats out easier and easier, but it will take time. Whether this was a one time drunken moment for him, or if he would take the opportunity with someone remains to be seen, but don't mistake him, or ever 10 more if they cross your path as representative of all men.
There are definitely many men who would cheat no doubt about that. But there are good guys too...have no clue on the numbers, but their actions and character will define them.
There's a married guy in my class and it's downright obnoxious how he comes on to one of the classmates that's known to be a mistress. She's younger so she thinks it's a feather in her cap! Although he is overly fliratatious with all the women in the class...making comments about how he can see panties and can't concentrate on a test if he sees a g-string...you know mature crap like that Yet he's married w/2 kids at home...sickening but they are everywhere. Please don't loose your faith in all men just b/c you have to weed through them...you'll get it in time, you're already making the right moves. STOP being so damn hard on yourself!
Just so you all know, him showing up with beer was not odd. We all drink all the time together. Not a big deal (at least in my mind it wasn't). I'm chalking it up to a mistake on his part. He did immediately apologize, so it probably was a drunken moment. While I will avoid being alone with him ever again, if he ever makes a pass at me like that again, it will be time for me and my best friend to have that dreaded conversation. It will suck, but I will not allow anyone to treat me that way again. One mistake does not mean that I will "spread my legs" for anything with a pulse. I feel disrespected, but hopefully it was simply the alcohol talking. I am sure that if it happens again, then it was intentional.
Don't take this the wrong way, but something for you to think about.
Him showing up with beer isn't unusual...I get that.
But, you know that alchohol is a definite enabler for people to make horrible choices. If you drink often with this guy, that might be another "reason" (read, excuse) for him to try what he did.
Blunt and honest question...how often do you drink, and do you think you might have an alchohol problem?
I am NOT saying this is all your fault...not at all. But I'm curious how much of a factor alchohol has impacted your decision making processes.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
The drinking is one. Past history as an OW is another. His feelings about your friendship with his W is another. And all are interconnected IMO.
He may not like your friendship with his W because he either had designs on sleeping with you or he doesn't like the fact that you were an OW and had the man's children.
If he had designs of sleeping with you himself, the drinking with you frequently served as a method of bonding in a non-threatening way.
And the past history as an OW with a MM's children is what it is.
While I know that you want to forget it, you won't and you can't. He apologized to cover his behind with his W. But when she finds out she will likely limit her time with you and him in the same room together anyway. The fact that you haven't told her what happened yet will also create a window for him to work on distrust from her to you.
None of this bodes well for you. But these thoughts are just my opinion and assessment of the situation, nothing more.
__________________ Don't flag me, 'cause I'm honest...
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
" --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
Yet he's married w/2 kids at home...sickening but they are everywhere. Please don't loose your faith in all men just b/c you have to weed through them...you'll get it in time, you're already making the right moves.
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