My husband and I have been together for 12 years. When we started dating I knew that he had had a past "encounter" with a male and said he considered himself bi. This concerned me but there was never any other indication and our sex life was great. Before we got married I asked him if him being bisexual would ever be an issue for our relationship. He is a very open, communicative and honest person so he assured me that it wouldn't be and that it would always be just us.
Over the years, especially the past two, our sex has not been as stellar but I think that's true for many couples. We work more, we have had medical issues, there's more stress in our daily lives, etc. But besides the sex everything about us has still been absolutely great and we are perceived by our friends as that great couple that is still so in love (we have no kids, btw).
About 3 months ago we had to start improving our communication because we were really going downhill. I thought I was depressed and overworked which kept us from being as physical so I felt completely guilty, but come to find out he is having strong desires to be with a man and is adamant about us having an open relationship now. I feel like I am not enough for him now, which somehow he actually says is not true. Why would he need to be with someone else if I were enough?!?
Anyway, I am not comfortable with this and get so upset just thinking about that being our new situation. He has a 10-day vacation planned with a buddy of his that he hasn't seen in several years but keeps in close touch with. He admitted this weekend that he does want to have sex with this man and hopes that I will allow this for him (I have no idea what his friend's wife thinks of this!). I cannot tell him that I am okay with this. It completely freaks me out. Yes, I have had "fantasies" about being with another man - but that doesn't mean I am going to go out and act on it! Why should he get to?!? He said that if I want to that he is comfortable with it and when he said it it nearly destroyed me. Where is the man that used to protect me from others and now doesn't care if some other man wants to have sex with me?
Please advise me as to what I should do! The trip is in less than 3 weeks and I am supposed to give him my verdict before he leaves. I do not know what he will say if I say "no" but I did ask him a few weeks ago that if I do not allow an open marriage which is more important to him? And he really didn't answer. Part of me really doesn't care if he has this one encounter because I think it might get it out of his system, but the other side of me is so fearful that it will be the opposite and that it will be al that he wants.
Help I am pulling my hair out and crying my eyes out every time I think about this!
You are married. Regardless of his sexual orientation, you are relying on his commitment of monogamy to you. You apparently are not comfortable with the idea of open marriage, preferring one romantic and sexual partner, him. This is your privilege and your preference. His job as your partner is to respect that, as such is part of the "deal" he made when marrying you. If he doesn't, he risks consequences, and, as the offended party, you must decide what those are to be and communicate that to him.
If my wife were to approach me with this I would simply tell her that I desire and expect monogamy and she can stay gone if she goes on a trip with such intentions. I do not speak for you. Only you know your M and your personal code of behavior. I hope you find your truth
Amen Carhill! You have no responcibility to put up with his change is plans. You made a committment and so did he. That's all there is to it. I'm sorry that you are going through this and I wish you well, but there is no gray here. I really hope things work out for you!
I think agreeing with this relationship with your man will be dangerous to your marriage. I truly do.
I truly don't agree that a man can just be Bisexual... I think a man that wants to have sex with men is gay.
I used to work in a flower shop and did event planning for two gay guys and a bunch of there friends always hug around.. We had some pretty candid conversations about their promiscuity and risky lifestyle.
Two of their friends were "gay but married" meaning their wives did not know they had a gay lifestyle. these men too copped to having unprotected oral and anal sex.... and then going home to the wives and having unprotected sex with them.
There parties and events we went to were always interesting to say the least. I went to an rave party I helped them organize and the amount of sex I saw that night made my eyes go blurry.
I am not telling this to scare you, well I take that back. i do want to scare you a bit. HIV still runs rampant through the gay community because of the social lifestyle and unsafe practices. If I were you, I would have concern for his sudden need to branch out and explore this more.
8 of those guys contracted HIV..and another died from complication of Aids... the last guy- the only one to be in a faithul relationship with his partner for 10 years does not have HIV... but his parter does so they only use protection. They all have Hepres/warts. They spoke all about this candidly and freely.
This is not just about him asking you if he can cheat! It's asking you to compromise your own health for the sake of his needs. You WOULD be compromising your health if he begins to do this. Even if you say no, I suggest he could develop into that guy that walks into the closet with jeans in a t-shirt, and walks out in a feather boa and pink short-shorts to go raving. (a little bit of humour- but it's not far off).
There is quite a sub culture of men who coin themselves "gay but married" I met many gay but married guys in that busiess, and they were each as promiscuious as the openly gay guys.
Besides the slap in the face that he wants to cheat, he wants to do it with men. There truly is a risk factor there that can't be overlooked for your sake.
Another thing I learned from talking to these guys as we arranged flowers and events for 3 years is that when they get a taste of thier first gay encounter.... they rarely want to stop or try and control it... it's like being liberated and they all admitted to going overboard with the sex when they first jumped in.
I think what you have on your hands is a gay male that loves and cares for you...but is still gay and cannot ignore that anymore.
I think if I were you I'd remain friends with him for the sake of the children and let your gay man go.
I hope my advice wasn't too scary. And I hope you can come to some sort of resolution together that doesn't involve putting your personal health at risk. I just think accepting this proposal is a bad option for you that will only leave to heartache.
See if that link works- it has lots of info, stats, and forums about HIV risks. I know about it because everytime it comes up for me to take my test (i just did)... I start going on the forum and skimming the symtoms- ultimately freaking myself out. You can also ask other members (lots of the gay men) what they think of your situation!
Hope this helps you come to a decision. PM me if the address doesn't connect you to the link.
D
Well, he has thrown down the gauntlet it seems, and is no longer denying who he really is.
It comes down to a very simple choice.
Either you stay with him and allow him his homosexual affairs, or you divorce.
FWIW, I had a "thing" with someone last year who was bi. He lives his life as a straight guy, but he is only able to maintain relationships with women for months at a time before his need for a man is too overwhelming, and he breaks up with the woman to have a man. Then, he goes through a period of self-loathing for doing so. It's a vicious, horrible cycle.
I'm not excusing his behaviors, as you entered this marriage thinking you were married to someone straight. I would feel very betrayed by him wanting to pursue men. But, by the same token, I think you need to realize that his being bi is as much a part of him, as your straightness is for you. It just depends how much you are willing to accept, and no one can answer that but you.
__________________ "I'm looking California and feeling Minnesota..."
OP, I forgot to ask....do you know this "buddy"? Is he openly gay? Is he the "past "encounter" with a male"?
Though it's not really relevant, IMO, one contact of a homosexual nature by an otherwise hetero male or female does not make them "gay" or "bi". Many contacts, either with the same person or multiple partners? Sure, good chance.
The overriding reality here is your H's monogamous commitment to you. He exposes you to psychological trauma as well as physical disease if he has sex with others, no matter what their gender. I hope you find your voice here, I really do
JB, IYE, is it inherently more difficult for a bi- or homosexual person to be monogamous? For a bi-, there are more persons of interest, since both sexes are attractive, but does that reality overwhelm the person's moral code, presuming monogamy is their chosen path? Does the role of male testosterone become important when determining gender-specific propensities? I find this dynamic fascinating.
Last edited by carhill; 25th June 2008 at 11:45 PM.
I think agreeing with this relationship with your man will be dangerous to your marriage. I truly do.
I truly don't agree that a man can just be Bisexual... I think a man that wants to have sex with men is gay.D
do you feel the same applies to women who are bi- that theyre really lesbian? i only ask because im bi, but prefer men. my bf knows this and wouldnt deny my need to see other women as long as he knows beforehand.
its not impossible that a man can like both sexes, ive dated a few.. it seems like if a man is attracted to both sexes hes labeled gay, but its more acceptable to see a woman who is bi and wouldnt be labeled as being lesbian, or looked down upon.
I think the OP made her first mistake by thinking his bisexuality *phase* would end once they married and nothing more would come from it, now she finds hersself in this predicament. a persons desires for both sexes does not end once you enter a marriage or LTR.
now several years into the marriage he wants what he had to put on the backburner to appease the op.
if your not comfortable with an open marriage nows the time to let him know. but i also wonder if your response is no wether this may cause some resentment/friction down the line from his end.
This is a difficult situation. That being said, all the usual cavets about monogamy should apply. If your husband wants to have sex with another person he needs to take steps to end the marriage first, unless of course you are willing to "share". Read D-lish's comments carefully.
The biggest problem here seems to stem from the fact that you willingly married a part time homosexual. That's a decision that seems to be coming home now with problems you should have been able to foresee.
It comes down to Value, and respect. Not value as in "family values" which is just a political buzz, it's about the value your H puts on you and your relationship. Respect fits in there too. The fact that your H doesen't respect the marriage enough to be faithful, or to end it also speeks volumes.
[quote=trubella;1718946]I think the OP made her first mistake by thinking his bisexuality *phase* would end once they married and nothing more would come from it, now she finds hersself in this predicament. [quote]
Oh, I really don't think that's fair, Tru.
She knew about this before they were married, but she also challenged him on it BEFORE marriage, and he assured her that he would be a faithful heterosexual.
I am sure he went into it with the best of intentions, but ultimately, how long can anyone deny who they really are? But I don't think the poster made a mistake...
I've done both of these but not at the same time. I had an open marriage for 5 years and later lived with and was engaged to a man who told me he was bisexual but when things got more serious assured me that he actually wasn't and would only ever want to be with me. In the end I did not believe him and ended that relationship (he never gave me reason to not believe him but I tend to jealousy and knew I could not handle worries about 100% of the population in the long run) The open marriage was a disaster for me because I did not genuinely want it but went along and spent all of my time agonizing over who he was f88king and participating in revenge f**king myself. Ugly ugly ugly.
You don't sound like you want ANY part of this. I don't blame you. Yes the health risks are there and that is a huge deterrent by itself. But - consider that he told you that his bisexuality would not be an issue in the marriage and now it is. So, how can you believe that you can trust in any boundaries at all long term?
And he told you that you were "enough". I agree with you, how can he say that in one breath and ask to have this affair with a man in the next? I wonder if what he means by enough is that he's good with keeping you as a long term friend and roommate and is not looking to move out or detach from what he values in your relationship and wants to keep the sexual relationship as well. Hmmmmm.....
It is true that only you can decide what you can accept and live with but be honest with him and yourself about it. You don't seem to be ready to accept what has been put before you now. Imagine when the next plateau hits and things get even crazier.
If it were me, and especially with no kids involved, I would tell him that I appreciate his honesty (because I think you should be glad of that) and hope that he appreciates yours but that his has come later than it should have...this is not the kind of relationship that you want or signed up for and that you want no part of it now.
I know that 12 years is a long time, that is how long I have been married and this is a real shock and blow to the life you thought you were leading.
But, I agree that this is not something that he is going to "get out of his system" and come back to you refreshed and recommitted.
The fact that he is "comfortable" with you also having an affair indicates to me that his sexual interest in you has largely dissipated...or at least is buried way beneath his lust for a man. That is not to say you could never get it back, but...when and for how long?
Do you really want to wait around for him to sort out his desires and live your life according to his sexual whims? He is not trying to "give" you something by saying you can do the same...he is trying to even the score or assuage any guilt on his own part. He is so caught up in doing what he wants to do that, at least right now, he just doesn't care what you do other than validate him by giving him permission to chuck the vows and indulge his fantasies.
She knew about this before they were married, but she also challenged him on it BEFORE marriage, and he assured her that he would be a faithful heterosexual.
I am sure he went into it with the best of intentions, but ultimately, how long can anyone deny who they really are? But I don't think the poster made a mistake...
he probably told her what she wanted to hear in the beginning, thinking he could play the str8 role to keep the peace. the desire for same sex doesnt stop.
i would never tell my SO if we were to marry that i can be the happy hetero and suppress my urges for women. thats pretty much impossible. he'd have to accept thats apart of who i am. and it seems this guy had to suppress it for all these years until now.
to the op you are caught in a complicated situation, if you deny him- he could either respect your wishes or act on his urges anyway.
each comes with consequences.
What's the difference between suppressing the sexual urge for a person of the same gender and suppressing the sexual urge for a person of a different gender?
I'm a straight male, married and meet a woman whom I find attractive and discover it's mutual. Why would it be any different for me to "suppress" my urges than it would be if I were bisexual and that person were a man? My commitment is still to my wife, regardless of whom (including gender as a determiner) I might be attracted to.
I'm interested in the psychology here, not "right and wrong".
JB, IYE, is it inherently more difficult for a bi- or homosexual person to be monogamous? For a bi-, there are more persons of interest, since both sexes are attractive, but does that reality overwhelm the person's moral code, presuming monogamy is their chosen path? Does the role of male testosterone become important when determining gender-specific propensities? I find this dynamic fascinating.
I know this question was directed to JB, and IYE, but I had to respond. It is no more difficult for a person who is bi to be monogamous. Just look at all the straight men and women who cheat and/or ask for open relationships. There's always attractive out there to look at and lust after and for that matter, most of us aren't attracted to everything we see. I'm certainly not attracted to every man I see
I've known both bi men and women. Some of them were promiscouis and were attracted a wide range of people. Some were more reserved. The stereotype that bi people are either loose or confused is just silly, imo.
its not impossible that a man can like both sexes, ive dated a few.. it seems like if a man is attracted to both sexes hes labeled gay, but its more acceptable to see a woman who is bi and wouldnt be labeled as being lesbian, or looked down upon. ..
This is a double standard that has been around a long time. I think some of it has to do with the "lesbian fantasy" that many men have. I think men are more accepting of a bi or lesbian women because they have a fantasy that this opens things up to a 3-way with one man and two women. I've know bi women who wanted nothing to do with a 3-way and were fine bieng with just one partner. I know there are bi women who would go for the 3-way thing, just saying that it is not all, or most, bi women.
As for the men, of course they can be bi. It makes no sense that women can be capable of bieng attracted to both women and men, but men can't. I do know that many gay men will call themselves bi because it is safer for them that way.
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