[BlueWolf]

so my wife and i had recently gotten off this "break" she imposed awhile back. i recently asked her what had prompted her to end the "break" and all should could say was "i dont know" i coaxed a little more asking if she had found answers to her questions about us and our relationship and guess what she said? "i dont know" then clammed up and refused to talk. she's still flirting with the idea of an open marriage but insists that she's a prude and is fat ugly and boring (always telling me this)and says that its selfish of her to want to keep me all to herself. and yet she gets paranoid that i'm out dating other women. (she ended the break the day after she found a facebook profile of mine that i never use, accusing me of trying to hook up online. also recently found a ring i bought her that said i love you on it and thought some other woman had given it to me) i got this nagging feeling that she is hiding something from me that is tearing her up and would rather me become bored and disinterested and leave her than tell me whats going on. on the other hand it seems like shes trying to sweep whatever had happened under the rug and is hoping i'll forget about it and not bring it up anymore. her lack of communication with me about the whole thing is pushing me away. i'm so fricking exhausted.

[inloveandhurt]

Tell her you've already tried to be way more accomodating than any reasonable person would be, and that she needs to be clearcut with you about what she wants. She is trying to have things both ways; enjoying her infidelity while keeping you on a chain. A relationship cannot work like that. I think you have to be a little more assertive in demanding an explanation so you can make a decision.I feel that she seriously lacks the consideration a caring partner should have.

[Ronni_W]

Originally Posted by BlueWolf

i got this nagging feeling that she is hiding something from me that is tearing her up

(((hug))) Yes, it does sound exhausting.
Have you expressed your 'nagging feeling' to her, from a perspective of being concerned and wanting to help her feel better about whatever it is?

Do you "argue" with her self-perception by telling her that, in your eyes, she is forever beautiful, enchanting and exciting? Are you still physically attracted to her? - does she know that without any doubt in her mind?

In my "previous life", there was a time I felt the same way about myself as your wife does...and I suggested something of an open marriage, too.
NOT because it was what I truly wanted ~ it was simply a reflection of my negative self-image...and my super-dysfunctional way of trying to cope.

Back then, part of me genuinely felt that I was "cheating" him out of having "good" sex with a sexy, attractive wife. The 'open marriage' thing was a warped way of trying to compensate for my own perceived ugliness, lack and inadequacy.
(Of course, at the time it all made terrific sense to me, and seemed perfectly reasonable and sane...I remember being very surprised that he did not want to have sex with "gorgeous" women .)

[Abomination]

I'm sure you meant "lack of adequacy."

I'll let it slide this time...

- A

[Ronni_W]

No...in my mind, I was lacking AND inadequate

[BlueWolf]

thanks ronni, i hadnt thought of it that way before. that definitely changes my perspective. yes i am still very much physically attracted to her. she KNOWS this, and yes she does know that in my eyes she is forever beautiful and exciting to me. it hurts me that she even considers having an open marriage. not to sound or be selfish, but i dont want to "share" her with anybody, just like i dont wanna "share" myself with anybody but her.

whats with women saying they want a good guy that treats them well, but they get that guy and just take him for granted? i know they dont want to be with a jerk but it seems they want a guy who'll only treat them good some of the time.

it seems like men arent allowed to have needs and arent allowed to display their affectionate emotions, otherwise they come off as "wusses".

WTF?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Originally Posted by BlueWolf

whats with women saying they want a good guy that treats them well, but they get that guy and just take him for granted? i know they dont want to be with a jerk but it seems they want a guy who'll only treat them good some of the time.

it seems like men arent allowed to have needs and arent allowed to display their affectionate emotions, otherwise they come off as "wusses".

WTF?

That's pretty much life. Being a pushover is what a wuss is. Don't be that.

It sounds like you have a nagging suspicion that she has or is cheating. Is that correct?

[Ronni_W]

Originally Posted by BlueWolf

yes i am still very much physically attracted to her. she KNOWS this, and yes she does know that in my eyes she is forever beautiful and exciting to me.

Well, that is a very positive thing, that you have expressed that to her.
On the other side, if one FEELS ugly and deficient, those feelings will of course override every single piece of fact and reason.

Yes, it is exhausting to have to repeat something like this over and over -- and still appear to not be believed.
Yes, it hurts when someone you love suggests that varied and sundry sexual partners sounds like a good idea.

I suspect that your wife is no less exhausted and in no less pain than you are...just over different aspects of the self as an individual and as a partner.

At the end of the day, though, you are not responsible for her high self-esteem and positive self-image. You are doing all you can, by letting her know that you find her appealing and are not interested in sharing either her body, or yours.

Have you suggested that she try individual counseling? Or is there someone whom you know she trusts 100%, who may be able to suggest that to her in a kind and loving way...that is, without starting WWIII?

whats with women saying they want a good guy that treats them well, but they get that guy and just take him for granted?
it seems like men arent allowed to have needs and arent allowed to display their affectionate emotions, otherwise they come off as "wusses".
WTF?

Uh...okay, a fair enough emotional response to the situation. But it also does kinda point to anger and resentment that is steadily building -- possibly some individual counseling on your part might not be such a bad idea, either, to cope with that as well as find out if there are other ways that you can support your wife in getting back her confidence.

It's tough. Being on either side sucks, equally just differently. Her side is about realizing what her "solution" is doing to you. Your side is about accepting that, in seeking her solutions, she is not trying to hurt you -- she is trying to make herself feel better about the whole darned (emotional) mess in which she finds herself.
At least, that is my interpretation, based on what you've posted and my own experience -- I could be totally way off -- she is the ONLY one who knows for sure.

I do hope you'll both be able to work this out, in ways that are mutually enriching.