In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
This is my first post here, and I am seeking advice... I have never had a romantic relationship in my life. I am tring to change this, but I am having no luck at all. I seek advice from friends, family, books, and the internet, but to no avail. I generally suffer from some self-esteem issues, as well as having to deal with a serious obesity problem for most of my adult life (I have lost 260 lbs). The few women I have attempted to ask out have either blown me off or flat out rejected, and I now have a lot of personal resentment towards these women (they are co-workers). And while part of me wants a meaningful relationship with someone, the other part of me just wants to get laid, to make up for lost time/opportunites from when I was over 3 bills. The people I usually lament to are getting sick and tired of me... Well I'm sick and tired of this situation, and I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life alone. Does anyone have any answers that can help?
You are strong enough and had the discipline to do that, so I'm sure if you're willing to work on your other problem, you`re gonna succeed!
Maybe you wanna check out doubleyourdating.com, that's what helped me.
(But stay away from the "pickup-community", most of them are freaks..
Oh, and stay away from your coworkers. It's usually way to much trouble.
Good luck!
Yes, don't date coworkers and don't let them see your resentment. The worst thing you can do is lose your job over this and make your work day a drag. Keep up the good work on losing the weight and don't lose sight of your dream. Some day it will come and hopefully soon
You are strong enough and had the discipline to do that, so I'm sure if you're willing to work on your other problem, you`re gonna succeed!
Maybe you wanna check out doubleyourdating.com, that's what helped me.
(But stay away from the "pickup-community", most of them are freaks..
Oh, and stay away from your coworkers. It's usually way to much trouble.
Good luck!
Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions. Unfortunately, I haven't found much that I can relate to when it comes to info on the internet... It all seems to be based on how many women one can approach in a single night. I've always been the guy on the sidelines, too afraid to be uninhibited because of what I think others may think of me. I'm too concerned about seeking approval and acceptance to just be myself. The only thing I could even remotly call a romantic relationship was when I was 14, and I broke it off after getting all kinds of grief from 'friends' because the girl I was seeing was not attractive. Now everyone is telling me that my standards are too high and my expectations are unrealistic.
Another issue is that, while I am generally a nice and empathetic person, I feel that I don't quite relate to other people very well. As an example, I was one of the 20% of people that Eharmony turns away because they don't want to risk matching someone to my personality type. I'm very introverted and my mind often wanders in the course of small talk with others. And I'm not comfortable with physical contact with others, outside of the standard quick hug... Often when a woman will reach out to touch my hand or arm, I reflexively draw away. Needless to say, I don't initiate contact myself. I know that is not normal behavior.
One other thing...One of the women I asked out had told me a few weeks earlier that she would never want to date me because I was the kind of guy she knew that she could 'walk all over'. Yet 2 weeks after hearing this I tried to ask her out anyway (you don't have to guess what her responce was)! Can some one please tell me what I am doing wrong, and how to correct it before I lose all hope?
Well, I went out with a bunch of co-workers on Friday, tried to approach as many attractive women as I could... And was shot down hard each and every time. What's worse, one of my co-workers who is somewhat similar in personality (he is about 10 years youngerthan me) was getting numbers right and left from all kinds of hot women. I'm getting more and more discouraged as I even write this. Again... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!
Well, I went out with a bunch of co-workers on Friday, tried to approach as many attractive women as I could... And was shot down hard each and every time. What's worse, one of my co-workers who is somewhat similar in personality (he is about 10 years youngerthan me) was getting numbers right and left from all kinds of hot women. I'm getting more and more discouraged as I even write this. Again... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!
Look at the results in terms of "This didn't work, let's try something different" rather than taking it to heart.
I will be very honest with you.. you lost 260 lbs.. my gawd how much do you weigh now?
It could be your personality.. maybe you come across as being 'too nice' too sweet, and it gets on the women's nerves..
Maybe you should ask a good friend, one you can trust.. maybe it's the way you dress.. could be your general appearance.. could be a case of bad breath and you don't know it..
Bad breath is a huge turn off for me.. and I know a great looking guy, smart, etc.. but MY-MY his breath.. it stinks.. it's insane... but I'm not close enough to tell him.. plus he has a girlfriend...
__________________ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
This is my first post here, and I am seeking advice... I have never had a romantic relationship in my life. I am tring to change this, but I am having no luck at all. I seek advice from friends, family, books, and the internet, but to no avail. I generally suffer from some self-esteem issues, as well as having to deal with a serious obesity problem for most of my adult life (I have lost 260 lbs). The few women I have attempted to ask out have either blown me off or flat out rejected, and I now have a lot of personal resentment towards these women (they are co-workers). And while part of me wants a meaningful relationship with someone, the other part of me just wants to get laid, to make up for lost time/opportunites from when I was over 3 bills. The people I usually lament to are getting sick and tired of me... Well I'm sick and tired of this situation, and I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life alone. Does anyone have any answers that can help?
Matt,
Its best to date women outside of work so you can focus on your job/career.
As far as women are concerned, don't be concerned. Focus on yourself - you just lost over 200 lbs and now you need to change the overweight personality into a sleek new one - go to church, join a sports club or find some activity that you can use to invest in your own personal growth and you'll meet the ladies.
__________________
Dance like no ones watching, love like you've never been hurt.
I was one of the 20% of people that Eharmony turns away because they don't want to risk matching someone to my personality type.
I'm very introverted and my mind often wanders in the course of small talk with others. And I'm not comfortable with physical contact with others, outside of the standard quick hug... Often when a woman will reach out to touch my hand or arm, I reflexively draw away. Needless to say, I don't initiate contact myself. I know that is not normal behavior.
Matt - I am not sure what this first part means. What is e-harmony insinuating about your personality? I didn't think they turned anyone away! What did the tell you about your personality that would make you a high risk?
Secondly - please don't gloss over the second part of your posting about how your mind wanders and you not being comfortable with physical touch. You are right that this is not normal behavior. But, no one here (including me) is qualified to diagnose why you are exhibiting these traits. But, until you work down to the core of this, all of the rest of the dating babble is irrelevant.
Would you consider therapy to uncover these roots?
__________________ "He's what you call man pretty."
maybe you come across as being 'too nice' too sweet, and it gets on the women's nerves..
F***ed if I change that... Let them get unnerved.
__________________ The administration has given Lunar Sonata excess unjustified infractions and warnings. Lunar Sonata dismisses himself from this oversensitive forum and wishes the best for people like Teacher's Pet and everyone else he's tried to help since registering. Goodbye.
I currently weigh 240 (I'm 6'2"), and have been consistently at that weight for about 18 months. I started my weight loss program in October, 2005.
Yes, I almost certainly come off as too nice, which I'm sure probably makes me look weak and pliable to others. As I said earlier, I'm usually so concerned with gaining acceptance/approval of others, probably because I was not accepted or approved when I was obese.
Matt - I am not sure what this first part means. What is e-harmony insinuating about your personality? I didn't think they turned anyone away! What did the tell you about your personality that would make you a high risk?
Secondly - please don't gloss over the second part of your posting about how your mind wanders and you not being comfortable with physical touch. You are right that this is not normal behavior. But, no one here (including me) is qualified to diagnose why you are exhibiting these traits. But, until you work down to the core of this, all of the rest of the dating babble is irrelevant.
Would you consider therapy to uncover these roots?
I have considered seeking therapy or councilling for my self-confidence and anxiety issues. I also think it's safe to say that my mental self image has not caught up with my new physical self. I think my discomfort in this type of situation comes from my umfamiliarity with dealing with someone at that level, and what general physical contact means (or doesn't mean), and my fear of being misuderstood or crossing an 'inappropriate line'.
Now having said that, I have been told by others that I'm not that bad looking, and shouldn't be have problems drawing interest from women. But I don't sense any kind of feeling of attraction or interest for me from anyone that I meet, whether I try to initiate something or not. I feel I'm percieved as someone who is just 'there', part of the scenery, and not having anything of substance or interest to offer. So what am I missing or not seeing here?
I currently weigh 240 (I'm 6'2"), and have been consistently at that weight for about 18 months. I started my weight loss program in October, 2005.
Yes, I almost certainly come off as too nice, which I'm sure probably makes me look weak and pliable to others. As I said earlier, I'm usually so concerned with gaining acceptance/approval of others, probably because I was not accepted or approved when I was obese.
Now at that weight, 240 and being 6'2" you are perfect IMO. I hate long slim guys.. now you need to build your self confidence.. DO NOT be too nice.. let others do some 'work' don't overdo anything.. just saying.
I don't mean to be rude or ignorant.. but you need to be independant... try to accept the 'new you' and this 'new you' is amazing..
I have considered seeking therapy or councilling for my self-confidence and anxiety issues. I also think it's safe to say that my mental self image has not caught up with my new physical self. I think my discomfort in this type of situation comes from my umfamiliarity with dealing with someone at that level, and what general physical contact means (or doesn't mean), and my fear of being misuderstood or crossing an 'inappropriate line'.
Now having said that, I have been told by others that I'm not that bad looking, and shouldn't be have problems drawing interest from women. But I don't sense any kind of feeling of attraction or interest for me from anyone that I meet, whether I try to initiate something or not. I feel I'm percieved as someone who is just 'there', part of the scenery, and not having anything of substance or interest to offer. So what am I missing or not seeing here?
Matt - I can fully appreciate you having a chasm to bridge between your "heavy" personality, and your new shape. That rightfully would cause anyone some serious anxiety. Nothing wrong with seeking someone to discuss with this.
I was more concerned about your comments about flinching from touch. Do you think this is related? To retract like that isn't normal, as you said, and goes beyond not knowing how to read a situation.
Matt - I can fully appreciate you having a chasm to bridge between your "heavy" personality, and your new shape. That rightfully would cause anyone some serious anxiety. Nothing wrong with seeking someone to discuss with this.
I was more concerned about your comments about flinching from touch. Do you think this is related? To retract like that isn't normal, as you said, and goes beyond not knowing how to read a situation.
What do you think?
I don't know whether my issues with physical contact have to do with my total inexperience (I mean who would want to touch a sweating fat guy), or if it's something more deep seated... I tend to think that it may be the former, and my problem stems from just not knowing how to react or reciprocate. I would like to find someone to be intimate with, it's just that my lack of confidence and tendency to over-analyse everything (esp. when it comes to interacting with other people) always seems to get in the way.
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